i'd appreciate any comments or suggestions that people have

i'm still mostly on vacation, so i'll get to email in a week or so.  in the meantime, i finished a draft of this story:

today was pretty much the most horrible day ever

so this is going to be TMI, so i'm going to put it behind a break.  still, i know some of the people who follow here are into some of that stuff, so i'll include some details.

the short version for everyone is that i was sick today, and felt terrible, and couldn't watch tv or surf the net (usual sammy saturday). unfortunately, i also didn't get the pre-vacation stuff i wanted done either. maybe tomorrow (i feel way better now).

however, one result of not being able to soak my brain in other people's stuff is that i had to soak it in my own stuff.  as a result of this, i now have a really nice three-ish part story based on this dream i had.  now i just need to find the time to write it, and get it down so other people can read it and see where i take it.  since the dream was so short, that's really only the first little bit of the story. ;)

today was weird

i've been trying hard to keep with things. drinking less. eating better. taking my drugs when i'm supposed to.

and i'm not sure if i'm actually getting better, and i'm just not used to it, or if things are starting to work, and the drugs are pushing things way too far.  i wonder this because i spent most of the day in a weird hyperactive state. i don't think it was like proper mania or anything, but after feeling so crap for so long, it was weird to be in a different place, you know?

so anyway, that's kind of an update about how i'm doing.

also, if you're here, you probably should go check out these two deviatnart artists. they're making totally cool stuff.

i hate panic attack induced insomnia

it totes sucks

one more

so

i have all these fetishes

socks
humiliation
bondage
super strict straitjacket bondage
being treated as a pet
being treated as a toilet
being treated as an animal
and then eaten


what if these are just an aspect of the craziness in my brain? what if they aren't real, but just something my brain dreamed up to make it feel complete, and now the celexa is breaking them down into normal things?


anyone?


how does anyone know what's real?

maybe i should do an update

vacation: super helpful at reducing stress and making me less unhappy.
puppy petted during vacation: a large part of that.
increased dose of celexa: made me crazy the first two days, but i'm over that and feeling better most days.
alcohol: cutting back a lot, so i'm not drunk every night.
xanax: magic power pills that take the panic attacks and wipe them away.
libido: better, but still way depressed relative to what it has been in the past (except maybe while i'm asleep?)

so yeah, i feel better than i have for a long time, but i just don't have much of a drive to be posting too much here right now.  i'm trying to get my brain sorted out a bit, and i really think the drugs are helping normalize things so i only have to deal with the fundamental problems, not the stress and anxiety and bullshit that they cascade into.

thanks for sticking with my crazy ass.

i just had to share this dream i had last night:

i wake up, and i'm in a hospital room, or a hotel room or something like that.  i "know" somehow that "they" put me here, and that i'm supposed to stay.  i get off the bed, which has the sheets pulled back, and stand up.  i'm naked.  i walk to the door, and it opens into like a reception area.  the room i came out of is to my left, and i'm in an open area with lots of other doors along the left and right walls.  in front of me is a reception desk, and there's a hallway to the left of the desk that's part of the same wall my door is on (if that makes sense).

i know i have to go pee, so i walk towards the hallway, as there's a bathroom there (i know that somehow).  i pass the reception desk and there's an asian girl who weighs more than me sitting there in a pink nurse outfit (or pink something outfit).  i tell her i need to pee, and continue past, and down a little ramp as the hallway decends a bit.

i go through the bathroom door, and there are no dividers, it's just all open.  while i'm peeing, i see that there's a loading dock further in the bathroom with people working packing boxes and loading them up (like, there's no walls or anything.  it's like the toilets are just in a loading dock area. weirder still, i somehow knew that i was on the 31st floor, so that makes even less sense), and there are overalls in a pile there as well, so i can get dressed and escape out the loading dock and get away from "them."

while i'm thinking this, i flash back to the reception desk where the asian girl is telling her supervisor, who's white and like 40ish that i had to go pee, and that i'm in the bathroom.  the supervisor is angry, and storms down the hallway after me.

she bursts in to the bathroom, and drags me away, holding my left arm in her right.  she starts talking about how "i'm not allowed to get away" and "we have plans for you."  then, she uses her left hand to unzip her jumpsuit (maybe that's what the other girl was wearing, too?), and pushes my hand into it and down, and i feel her pubic hair and the moistness below that.

she takes me back too the room, and pushes me in, and dumps a pile of rope on the bed.  there are at least six coils all tied neatly, and in lots of different colors.  "maybe i just need to tie you down, first." she says (or something like that).  i respond with, "ok, but let me go to the bathroom first." i go through the bathroom door in the bedroom (i don't know why i didn't use that one before. i was trying to escape?)....

and then i wake up.

and have to go pee really badly.

hah! fast updates!

the doctor called this afternoon, and suggested we up the antidepressant dose, and tack on a xanax prescription for when i freak the fuck out.

so, let's see if that takes, i guess.  today was kind of a waste for me, where i called in sick to work, and stayed in bed until 3, and periodically pulled the covers up over my head in the hope that would make me less panicked.

turns out it's really too hot to do that for a long time when you don't have a/c.

but i'm way calmer than i was yesterday, and hopefully more drugs will help.  i'm taking a vaca this next week too, to visit my friend, so i think that'll help me get my mind unstress-tangled.

sorry it's a long time

so yeah

sammy

oh, that's me

ok, let's get to this

for like the past three weeks, i've been having like crazy panic attacks, and i just sent a message to my doctor, seeing if i could switch to something else.  it feels like what used to be suicidal thoughts is now channeled into horrible panic attacks, and i'm tired of feeling like my heart is going to burst out of my chest.

and for some reason, talking with like target people, or the grocery store people? that's super easy, i'm fluid and chatty like fuck

but if someone asks me a real question, or talks to me for realsies, or emails?  that's panic attack.

so

super sorry.

hopefully i can get the meds sorted out, and not be so afraid of shit.  but for now, i'm pretty much fucked up.

super sorry, yo?

blah long time?

i feel weird about these posts. it's like "look at sammy, she isn't dead!" and that's not really what i'm going for. it's more, "yay, i didn't kill myself!"

and that sounds super emo. sorry.

basically i've been muddling along.  my therapist seemed in a big holding pattern last time i went, and was all, "let's talk about random shit instead of the things you feel."  i think that means i need to open up more, but that's hard to do, you know?

and my brain drugs are making me feel super weird.  i keep seeing thing,s and getting random panic attacks and things.  maybe this isn't the drug for me?


anyway, sorry for being crazy still

Anonymous said...

"that some good news for the most part Sammy ! keep working at it and am sure you will find the solution that is right for you."

yeah, i think so too.  i'm scheduled to talk to the therapist again this week, but last time, we kind of hit on some stuff that maybe should have been obvious to me.  he was all, "did you ever think that you might have a self esteem issue?"

and i was all, "no, that seems silly, of course i don't"

then we went over various things and childhood shit and wow, yeah, i guess maybe i do

then i got home, and thought, "damn, maybe feeling like i want to be someone's toilet, or tied up in a bitchsuit and treated as a pet should have been a tip-off, huh?"  then i kind of felt dumb for a bit.


mind you, it's not that that stuff doesn't still totally turn me on, because it does.  i'll post more once i start feeling better enough, and get some libido back.


dIRTBAG72 said...

"Great news :) Eventually I'm sure you can be both healthier and enjoy making this blog! You don't need to be crazy to be a pervert you know, just a bit weird ;)"

lol, yeah, i know.  i think that no matter what, the weird is totally going to stick around with me.

feeling less crazy

another update, yeah?

i've been sticking with the meds, and pretty much as advertised, they've helped significantly.  i don't feel quite as hopeless in my everyday life, and since they make me sleepy, i go to sleep earlier and drink less and even though i wake up super tired, i'm getting up at a normal time most days.

so it seems to be making me less crazy after all.

i'm not saying i'm all cured or anything, because i still kind of think about suicide every day.  it really is a big change though.  instead of before, where it kind of seemed like the only way out of this all, it's a lot less persistent. it's more of a suggestion, like "hey, wouldn't that left arm look way cooler all cut up and bleedy?"

and that's WAY easier to ignore, if you've never had to deal with it.

unfortunately, the side effects are totally shit.  the fatigue i mentioned above, i'm always thirsty, my eyes feel like fcuking sandpaper most days because they're dry too, certain private areas are also moisture challengended, but that's largely due to the fact that my libido is basically zero since i've been taking this stuff.

which, yeah, that sucks, but without the desire, it doesn't feel like much of a loss? does that make sense?

so anyway, woo chemistry for making my  brain less suck.  less woo for the fact that i know this isn't really a great solution, and it'd be better to train my brain to be less meh about everything. i guess that's what therapy is for?

woo drugs?

so i talked with my regular doctor today, and she was all, "whoa, I got this mail from your therapist, and apparently you're crazy!?"

"oh, yeah...sorry."

"he says you want to try drugs to see if that helps?"

"yeah...cause, you know.......yeah."

"ok, let's hook you up right now, and get this going, because they maybe take time to get going, and omg I never realized you had suicidal thoughts"

"i try to hide them"

"but anyway, let's get the drug bus going! Yay!"

"yay?"

so now i'm taking drugs.  everyone (therapist, doctor, pharmacist, internet) all claimed that "oh, you should watch out for drowsiness, because that's super common." doctor and therapist both claimed that that was a good thing, as it'd help me sleep better.

but now it's almost two, and i kind of can't make my eyes stay shut.

anyway, i was looking online for side effects, and found this page: http://www.join-the-fun.com/celexa-side-effects.html. i'm pretty sure they're not real doctors, they're just anti-drug people.  whatever. the thing i like is that they list the frequent side effects of this drug.  Including:

"mouth"

HOLY SHIT! i'm going to have to deal with having "mouth"?

yes, i know they meant dry mouth, duh.  still. sometimes when everything kind of feels like shit, little stupid things like this make me smile and feel a bit better.

then again, that might just be me having a mouth.

i hate being crazy

blah.

if you got an email from me and were all, "wtf, this was from two months ago," sorry, i was going through email and realzied i hadn't responded to a lot of them.

i'm really looking forward to this dr appointment this week.  i pretty much spent today in bed crying at random things on tv. fucking bob ross and his stupid show. he's all calm and collected as he paints, and i'm sitting there using my sheet to soak up the tears as they roll down my face.

i just want this to go away. i hate crying at random times for stupid reasons like, "that's a nice tree he painted," and "that house is ugly, hgtv," and "why haven't i eaten in 36 hours?"  i can't watch anything with a real story now, because i either hate the characters for socializing, or i pity them for being just like me. i just want my brain to stop fighting me.

:(

so, just so you know, being crazy isn't really that fun

yesterday i went to my new doctor appointment, and after listening to a boring dvd about the difference between psychiatrists and psychologists (and, ignore all that, because i'm getting a social worker instead), i finally got to talk.

and really, for like the first time in months, i kind of had the feeling that someone actually gave a fuck about me, and wanted to try to make my brain not want to kill me.

which, when you think about it, is probably a good thing.

there were some things i'm not sure he picked up on, but we talked for an hour and a half, and i could get a lot of the shit that weighs down on me off my chest, and he didn't care that we were probably only supposed to talk for an hour or any crap like that.

so, maybe, possibly, i've found someone who can make me not hate myself so much, and we can try to work through all this shit and make me a functional human being again.  that'd be great, because dealing with the side effects of feeling worthless and suicidal is kind of terrible.

i have two new appointments made, and he wants to keep that up, so we always have a month of sessions planned out. he also told me that if i freak him out too much, he's calling the cops and locking me in the room until they arrive to take me to the hospital. i guess that's good, because it pretty much means that if he thinks i'm too close to killing myself, he's going to take over and force me into a stricter "stop being crazy" treatment.  again, probably a good thing.

thanks again for dealing with my shit, everyone. thanks to danny for remembering my birthday, although i'm not big into the astrology stuff, thanks anyway. it's good to know that someone is out there remembering me and wishing i could fight my demons and get my brain right. thanks a lot. Really.

thanks to joe for being a douche. shall we quote your email, dick-face?:

"u are so hot what u need is to be with a man who is as filthy and crazy as you are
then you wont feel depressed and like there is something wrong with you.
get to know me. im real and into shit and piss and peversions as much as you are"

yes, thanks.  i'm sure that all i really need is a "man" to fuck me into sanity. that's wonderful help. maybe after that, you can stab me until this cough goes away? that seems to me to about the same level of therapy.

as for james, simone, miguel, lee, and mr. anonymous who all left supportive comments: thanks a lot. i really want to try to get better. it's people like you who come here and see the perverted shit i post and still think, "hey, this girl needs help. let's try to get her back on her feet so she feels good about herself, and then she can do whatever she wants." that's a great improvement over the people who just want me to suck it up, post porn so they can jack off, and if that makes me want to die, who cares, because i'm just some replaceable slut. i hope you have the bestest lives ever. you're really the best people i've met on this journey. i hope i can sort my shit out so we can all masturbate to super perverted shit again, like in the old days.

so, what's up with sammy?

i've mostly felt bad about that last post. it seemed way too dramatic, even for me.

so what's happened:

i went to the therapist, who told me that if i didn't have a suicide plan, i wasn't serious about it. i then went home, and came up with a foolproof suicide plan that would ensure that if i chose to, i'd be dead before anyone could stop me.

i cancelled future appointments with that therapist, and tried to find a new one (because, clearly, prompting suicide plans makes you the worst counselor ever).

my best friend ever told me she's pregnant, and that makes me regret not having a normal life where such things can happen to me. i can't wait for that baby though, because she totally would be a great mom.

i still want to kill myself pretty much everyday, but i haven't, and i'm trying hard to live a more positive life, at least until i can talk with a therapist that is good at their job. i kind of wish that i could be committed for a few weeks, and live in a nice structured environment for a bit, and see how that works for me.

and no, not just because that might involve some bondage. :-P i seriously think it might help.


for everyone who's been supportive, thanks a lot. i'm sorry i'm such a psycho bitch. i wish i could be all better and have my mind stop trying to convince me to kill myself, but until that happens, i just have to work with what i have.

crap

somebody reviewed my story, and basically pointed out that instead of sending my corrected copy, i sent in the one with all the errors still in it. :(

i think i just did the edits on blogger, which means i don't have a copy of the corrected version anymore. i guess i just have to do it all over again. :(

another dumb story

but this one's written by me!

A High School Story

sorry to be boring with another story,

but after re-reading some of the stories from one of my favorite authors (Sarah Cheer), i clicked on her favorites.  that was where i found this story:

A Tale of a Tail

cool story

Chat Room Escapades to Die for

i think it really starts getting interesting in chapter 2. :)

ok

i submitted my "high school" story to bdsmlibrary.  i'll post a link once it shows up.

and sorry for not posting more stuff, my brain has been all junk for the past few weeks.

i know no one reads this as much as the old one,

but you should all go check out Christopher's blog: A Fetish Leathercrafters Journal. it's great to read, because you get to see someone who's actually making the cool leather bondage gear that i love so much.

jerks

so yeah. i'm done with jerks. don't be a jerk.

if we talk about how cool it would be to do kinky stuff, do this little quiz:

1. is sammy tied up under my feet right now?
2. is sammy sucking my cock right this instant?
3. did i hide sammy away somewhere no-one would ever look for her?

if you didn't answer yes at least once, please keep in mind the 3000+ miles between us, and keep your jerk in order, ok?

trying again

blogger deleted my old blog, so i think i'm going to try again. i discovered that one topic i had on the old one might have been again the rules, so i'll be avoiding that in the future.  hopefully people will find my blog again. i just wish i had a copy of all my old posts. :(