sanity is over rated

i should know.  i looked over the opposition, took my pills, and looked at what that brought me.

i'm not complaining about my sanity.  it's reassuring to not freak out about minor upsets.  it's good to not see a dead animal and need to take a day off to recuperate.  it's nice to go out in public and not feel so much like an absolute freak.

i mean, i still mumble things to myself, and count on my fingers in a way that can't be reassuring to other people.

but feeling like this.

with what i think is what people know as "normal" in my hands.

it's weird and difficult and challenging.

when you know no one else sees what you see, and know that what makes you panic might  not exist, it's easy to draw away and accept that you're in a fantasy realm.

but when you crash down to the real world, and have to deal with trash, and the leaves you tracked in on your shoes, and "laundry".

shit turns out to be real.



so, a check-in on things:

1. my favorite forum turns out to be moderated by racists, so i guess it's not my favorite anymore?
2. i feel like i should write more, but i've been getting home at like 8pm.  
1. not hating your work means you have less time for porn.
2. this feels like it should be a positive?
3. nice that the country understands useless insanity now.  would have even nicer 24 months ago, but i guess i have to live with the repercussions of anti-democratic fascist jurists being placed by corrupt fascists.
4. or, you know, walls and shakespeare and such. 
1. just a suggestion.

here. my music. wake me up.

i hope that's the song i want it to be.

i hope it has the anxiety and shame and hatred i feel everyday.

i made a god out of blood. it was probably a mistake.  sorry everybody.  i am bad at decisions, and i think i fucked this up.

so. drunk. listening to 80s music. but:

did people in the 80s really just assume that we'd have a world war and kill everyone, so "no use planning stuff!"?

like, a lot of these songs are all "but then war, and we all die, so whatever."

is that why we have all this climate change shit? "yes, we're killing everything, but before we get there, we'll have actually literally killed everything.  so it's not like it matters or anything."

wow.  i never realized how much i hated my parent's generation.

also, if you're a republican, unfollow me, and then light yourself on fire.  for being a fucking jerkass.

i know i'm a baby, baby

this is going to be the all-time champion of "seriously, no one fucking cares, sammy, just shut up"

ok.  toothbrushes.

a while ago, i was grumpy that my toothbrush sucked, and i was like, "tell me how i can get like a dentist toothbrush," and Mr. Christopher was all, "sonic care is pretty cool and clean-y" and then i looked it up and those are like a bajillion dollars and the replacement heads are like $10 a pop.

so, i continued on, using my shitty toothbrush that i hated everyday and silently wished would just die.

or.

inanimate objects can't die.  so.  um.  explode.  but like, where it doesn't break my bathroom mirror.  i'm already not getting my apartment deposit back.  "sorry, my toothbrush exploded," is just going to sound like a lame excuse.

but then:  i went to longs, and was like, "fuck it, let's get a fancy toothbrush."  and i looked, and saw this like $20 thing from somebody name brand.  oral-b or tooth-police or i-made-up-my-second-name-so-why-did-i-think-i-had-a-third.  but there was a cvs version next to it for like $11.

cvs is what long's is called everywhere else.  they bought long's a few years ago, but since everyone here has been going to long's since forever, they keep all the stores here long's.

also, this was for two toothbrushes.

that's important on the cost-benefit analysis thing.

so previously, i'd brush my teeth in the morning because i'm not like an actual monster.  but this new vibrating super brush.

that's also important.  this is some vibrating super brush shit.  not like "wtf is up with this toothbrush that makes it $5.50?"  it has a left and a right side, and they strapped them both to a vibrator, so you push the button, and it's like you're masturbating your teeth.

and it's wonderful.

now i'm doing the whole "brush at night too, gross-face" and thinking about how i can justify just always having this purple vibrating stick in my mouth all the time.


yes, in case you were wondering, i'm feeling a bit weird today.  but my teeth are super clean.

also you can bold-italic-underline text.

huh.

ever get super drunk, make a blog post, realize the next day you made a blog post, make it "draft", get super drunk again, and then read it and realize it's just fucking perfect?

so you repost that shit because wow, yesterday drunk sammy, you're just fucking killing it here.

just like, wow.

this was totally a point where sammy passed out and annie took over.  i shouldn't personify my mental illness like this.  but whoa.  i love you annie.

wow.

so much love.

that was fun.

it's always great to have tears running down your face in the movie theater.

even more so when you have to suppress a sob because you know it'll  be loud and obvious if you don't.  then a quick walk back to my car and a drive home, firmly holding together a frown to keep everything in.

then some regret that you got the medium soda, because theater medium is huge, even if it's still too small for being $5.75, because now you super have to pee when you get home.

finally, there's the point where you realize you need to wipe now, because a new sob is coming, and you probably shouldn't bawl on the toilet.

crawl into bed, hug body pillow, stuff kleenex at face, cry for ten minutes straight.


i guess what i'm saying is that if you can (it's not in a really wide release, and never will), you should go see "when marnie was there."

wow it's super late, how drunk are you, sammy?

not enough?  or not normal drunk?  turns out if i don't take sleepy pills, i don't get sufficiently sleepy.

which means i'm in that weird place between "not drunk enough to be incoherent" and "too panicked to say anything".

"somewhere in that zone"

part of it is that i have a day off tomorrow, because hawaii is great, and we had a king, and he did a bunch of stuff, and so now i get a thursday off.

not friday though.  so back to work for a totally productive day on friday.  hawaii doesn't slide holidays around.


since i'm so wonderful at writing stuff, and totally not waiting a year to write things i've planned out, i'm thinking about doing a new story.

but like, not really porn.

just romance, i guess.  also maybe horror.  i have a weird brain, and nothing can ever be not not wonderful if not also tragic.

the idea would be to actually plan an entire story from start to finish, and then start writing, instead of my random incremental stuff.  i have not done much of that planning at all, so i'll have to put some effort into not being stupid about this.

so, you know, we'll all see how it goes.  maybe i write more, and people read it and like it.

maybe i don't.

i really just wanted the first frame, where elsa is doing a shruggy pose, but google image search only had this, which has words.  and is also a gif, so it's way more positive and empowering than i was hoping for.  mostly just that one shrug, ok?

update-y stuff

i'm going to try super hard to get "o1" finished and out this weekend.  i was going to write more tonight, but then i didn't, so that's how things work. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

but i want it to be done and released because i'm taking vacation time next weekend for labor day, and i'm flying to visit my friend in san francisco.

she was super pushy about getting me to visit, so i think it's going to be talking through her problems a lot.  i continue to think that she probably doesn't have any really major problems, although she does have a lazy husband.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i just realized that in my head, i've been calling the double-next chapter "The Exhibition: The NOUN: The DIFFERENT-NOUN THAT-FIRST-NOUN".  maybe "The Exhibition: The NOUN (DIFFERENT-NOUN THAT-FIRST-NOUN)"  "The Exhibition: NOUN 2"

noun is a weird word.  noun.  naaaaooooooowwwwwwwwwwwnnnnn.

now it just sounds like i'm some sort of weird lion.

noun* it just sounds like.

ok, rambled enough for today.  time to drink more and try to wake up tomorrow to fulfill this promise-post. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i like shruggy emoji.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

do people get annoyed at random daily posts?

like, "fucking sammy.  talking about shit to farm sympathy to her shitty behavior.  jerk."

because that's how it feels, so if you feel like that too, just do a comment with some random word.  post anonymously.  no animals.   like "brick" or "tortilla".  not "puppy" or "kinkajou".  thanks.

buy a book, google chrome.  kinkajou is totally a real word.  as is google.

what was my point today?

i completely forgot the point.  here's a few things i probably wanted the point to be:

i wanted to write today, but i didn't,  because i felt too tired.  waking up early sucks.

so i did some tumblr stuff instead.  that's easier and way way more mindless.

i did plan out some of o2 in the shower this morning.  i think i have the main details done, and a lot of the character motivation.  i need to get it down so i don't forget, but the themes are easy.

i hate writing "and then did the same to the MONKEY on the other side."  this technical shit is hard to make not suck.  "annie PIROUETTES sammy's left CARBOXYLIC until it PURPLES like a TENEMENT" those are all apparently real words, so i'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.  if anyone reads o1 and sees some obvious fix to this stuff, let me know.  i just write what makes sense, and then feel bad about how lame it sounds.


if you were here right now, and said the magic words of "i don't hate you, sammy," i'd probably give you an awkward hug

awkward because i don't hug much, and double awkward because getting hugged by naked people is kind of super weird.

sorry.

EDIT STARTS NOW:

politics.

i was going to warn everyone that i'll probably talk about politics tomorrow.  so.  you know, if you might be against my particular politics, maybe go fuck yourself and go away.  and if you are cool with my political shit, you can ignore if i'm too weird?  i'm pretty sure those are the only groups.  fuckers who should diaf, and people who we might disagree on details, but we probably agree on the big picture stuff.

so tomorrow.  probably a brambly politics thing.  you might be able to guess the details or triggers or whatever.  but, hey, you can see me be all dumb tomorrow.

poop.

fucking fuck.

i went to two grocery stores this weekend, and both times "pop-tarts" were on my list.  both times, i returned home without pop-tarts.  is raspberry a new flavor, or am i just dumb?  i'm leaning to "dumb," but i don't remember ever seeing them before.

i was also going to write today, but got distracted looking at shoes and dresses online with my friend.  so.

i don't know why this part is so so long.  it's all bondage description, i guess.  so if you like boring details on things that it would be great if i could draw, are you in for a fun time!

if not, the next part is a lot of dialogue and moral judgement.  which is also fun. :-/

just had a craving for a pop-tart, and remembered i'd fucked that up again, and wanted to share.  sorry!

hi. i'm drunk. are you drunk? i'm a lot drunk.

and i should be at work tomorrow.  but it's like 4am right now.  i woke up yesterday at 6am.  dear brain, why are you such a jerk?

so i may just call in tomorrow, "cough cough.  i am sick.  i don't think i can make it in today.  cough cough."

translation:  "cough cough"  humans make this sound, so i'm imitating it to make you think i have the sick.
translation: "i am sick" in the brain.  my brain is so full of corrupt, gross shit, you don't even want to know"
translation: "i don't think i can make it in today." that fucking bitch has ducked out for weeks.  i want a day to sit on my couch and watch shitty daytime tv.  i know we have a schedule, i know we have vendors to vet.  i want to sit down and watch shitty daytime tv while my brain tries to cope with keeping my eyes focused correctly on a single point."
translation: "cough cough" fuck you.  fuck her.  fuck everybody.  i want a day off. :(

it'd cost like $3500

i saw a thing about travel, and it was a big trip, and i started thinking about what the biggest trip would be.

"other side of the world.  duh."

but that has a special name.  antipodes.  and it turns out that hawaii is apparently kind of special, because we fall directly on africa in that measure.

so, scrolling down.  Ghazi, Botswana.  ok.  so, is Botswana a cool place?  "According to Transparency International, Botswana is the least corrupt country in Africa and ranks close to Portugal and South Korea.[18]"  huh.  so you're telling me that there's a place i could go, find the exact opposite place on the planet from my apartment, and it's not super corrupt?  what?

ok, let's look closer, because this can't be true.  "The High Court in Johannesburg has described Botswana as a "pariah state not synchronized with the majority of African countries that have either abandoned or are refusing to implement the death penalty". "  ok, but to be fair, oklahoma jus tdecided that smothering people with nitrogen is totes ok, because they "got people to kill, and they got to get killed" (paraphrase).

so yeah.  a not-awful place i could go for super trivial reasons.  and they speak english.  what

do they have cool things to look at?

apparently ghazi is where they raise cattle.  ok.  so wear boots when i try to find my anti-apartment. got it.

travel advisory: USA: "Batswana living in the USA and those traveling to the US are urged to be more cautious in their travels to some areas within the US as safety is of a major concern."  lolololololololol! no matter what, Botswana.  you and i are friends now.  forever friends. <3

ok, here's the important part:  animals i could potentially see if i went there.  like, literally all of the 'animals that don't live here' animals.  they don't have tigers or bears, but that is all the other animals.  also gemsbok.  you're playing antelopes now, ok?

so $3500 + how ever much it costs to go see animals.  you should advertise more, Botswana.  "hey, we have all the cool animals, and we're not run by horrible dictators.  we're super cool."





also i wrote the notes for "office".  assuming my brain doesn't crap out for six months again, it'll be out in less than six months.

:)

that moment

when you choose the "z" word to end your big story, and then think "ha ha, such lighthearted nonsense!" and then your brain collates stuff together and you go "oh.  yeah.  that.  plus that other shit.  fuck.  that's just fucking awful.  christ.  i hope no one kills themselves."

RELAX! I"M ONLY AT "O" AT THE BEST!

WORST!

EITHER!

IT"S STILL DEPRESSING WHEN I GET ThERE!

SORRY!

The Exhibition: Illness

The Exhibition: Illness
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-exhibition-illness.html

i want nachos

"sammy, you said you'd get off your lazy ass and finish the next part!"

yes, i did.  i spell checked, allowed "cabby" to be correct, i guess.  said, "no, i'll fucking die before i let you convert 'hoodie' to anything else," and then deleted the bit about jalapenos, because i decided it wasn't relevant.

but i need to do the read through, the "wait, does that make sense?" bit, and i know there are like three points i want to change and add some extra dialogue.  but i have to have the mood to do that.  it's really close now, but i want it to not suck.  and, trust me, when you have this all-consuming feeling that everything you do sucks, that's super hard.  sorry.

anyway

nachos.

like a lot want nachos.  i should probably keep a stockpile of doritos and shredded cheese, so i an knock out 2am fake nachos whenever i get the urge.  maybe extra salsa and queso.  because everything should have good salsa and queso.  i think maybe i just want chips and cheese and spicy.

sorry.

post

crazy crazy crazy.

hate my life.

more crazy, followed by additional crazy.

probably should stop drinking so so much.

different crazy, on a completely different topic.

sad realization about my life, and the haze i've lived it through.

tear-soaked comment about how sad i am about homeless people.  because seriously, the fact that we have homeless people today is a fucking atrocity, and if i could, i'd murder people with money to make that not the case.

um....random communist-bent diatribe in support of the homeless?


sorry.


a lot of sorries.

which isn't a word, apparently.


sorry.

UPDATE!

you can buy chicken nuggets (for a limited time) at the price of 25¢ per nugget, in sets of ten.

i understand that the price is significantly less on the mainland.

anyone else get that "last days of the world" apocalypse feeling, where you kind of don't care what you say or do, because this is all going up in flames tomorrow?

well

not tomorrow.

march 23, i guess, because google has no sense of style.

"He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass."

i mean, it's right fucking there.  "let's close shit up in march, when should we do it?"

"we could do an allegory to julius-"

"MARCH 23! THAT IS BEST DATE EVER!"

"ok, march 23.  let's do that."


so...

what should we talk about, knowing that less than thirty days from now, all this will be wiped out forever.  condemned to the dust?

"are you out of vodka, sammy?"

yes.  totally out of vodka.  no gin, no vodka, no jack.  is jack a valid liquor?  i have no whiskey now, not even the jack daniels.  i like this taste in my tea.  i should buy more of the jack daniels to put into tea to drink whilst pretending i'm totally not the alcoholic i was a few months ago.

SPOILER!

i'm totally the same alocoholic.  i'm just better at not posting drunken rants.

"oh, but what's this you're doing?"

whatever.  fuck you.  like, seriously.  take something, and go fuck yourself with it, in whichever hole is appropriate.  like i ever cared about you.  you're just some jerks on the internet, trying to coax me into sending me nudes.  i'm gross now, dumbasses.  i'm all fat and i don't shave much, and it's all just gross on top of gross.  want nudes?  want to puke?

ok, that's a bit harsh.  i should not treat the end of the world quite so harshly.  i mean, it's not like people are going to die or anything.  we're just going to have blogs that are read by no one, and no one will ever care about people named sammy.

which, honestly, is probably the best thing.  i'm a bad person, and i do dumb things.  i'm not someone you should look up to.  i'm the warning you should have seen in high school:

"Here we see a decadent woman.  She's lost her sense of control.  Now, all she can think about is her own carnal desires."

whatever.

i saw a thing today that was like, "the horrors of communist lesbian bondage."

my thought: "OMG: HOW CAN I GET THAT?"

i mean, you're going to tie me up, force me to be super friendly with cool chicks, and then, when we're done, we're going to topple the patriarchal bourgeoisie so we can eat waffles and mac&cheese forever?

how...

how is this not a thing i can do right now?