fucking christ, people

wake up, check mail, flood of annoying bullshit.

dude who keeps pestering me to "blackmail" him somehow?  check.  dude, i don't care about you, and i'm not sure "reads my shitty porn blog" is something i can blackmail you with.  i'd have to find your friends and family, and research shit, and fuck it.  i have neither the time nor the motivation to set up the stupidest hobby in the world.  

another random marketing jerk wanting me to promote a product on my blog?  check.  these i just don't understand.  if i want to get people interested in my shitty "screen capture software" ('P.S. Don't change text in the link. It should be "Screen Capture Software"', fuck you jenny.  fuck you and fuck your capital letters.), i'd probably find someone who had ever in their life mentioned screen capture software.  and if i do put in the link, i get a free copy?  woo!  according to the review i found, "I think that it is just a Russian scam."  but just imagine all the things i could do with "screen capture software".  i could put up videos of me typing out my next story, only to end the video with me deleting everything because i don't like it.  wouldn't that be fun?

another notice from that one twitter bot that keeps following and unfollowing me so they can follow me again?  check.  this seems like if they added a feature to my fridge that would have it periodically beep sadly until i went over and pet it.  you're not a real person, so stop being so needy.

huh. well that sucks.

so sirjeff of ponygirl fame is closing up.

i guess it isn't so crazy.  i mean, i've been reading his page since before i could honestly click the "enter" link.

it was a big thing on my journey to the weirdo i am today.  "huh.  you can pretend people are animals."

not that horses were big with me.  i knew a girl who once got detention because she kept drawing horses all the time.  like, "fuck this test, i'm going to draw a sweet ass pony!" kind of all the time.

i didn't understand that.  ponies are stupid ugly things, not like cute lap-pets.

dogs, cats, bunnies, small other things that you can put on your lap and pretend are just different kinds of rats.

those were my things, but i didn't really get the whatever until seeing the ponies.

that prepped me for the day i saw Mr Veterinarian's works, and it all kind of clicked together.

ramble ramble ramble, i'm just saying that i'm sad that this bit of my early kink is retiring.

:(

dear my doctor,

sorry, but these antipsychotics aren't really having the "ton of bricks" response you promised.  i'm still awake, and wishing i could snuggle up with sleep for a fun night of not having nightmares.  maybe i should take more?

love
sammy

date follow up

well, i thought it went ok, but then i didn't hear anything from her for a week.  so i sent an email asking what the deal was, and suggesting maybe getting lunch this weekend.  turns out she went playing with someone else last weekend and now is "not looking for a long term relationship right now."

so, that kind of sucks, because i don't really want to play with someone who i don't trust, and i'm not going to trust someone who isn't able to let me know them and feel comfortable.

i guess all i can do is just say, "fuck," and go feel bad about it.  it's a good thing my brain was all manic today, otherwise i think i'd be super depressed right now.

:-/

update a half hour later...

so what if i'm just too paranoid and broken to date someone?  what if i always come off as too weird and crazy, and people all assume they can find someone else without all the baggage?  i mean, i know everyone was all, "i'm your friend, sammy" on my last freak out post, but i really don't have anyone here that i do anything with.  i basically hide at home because it's too scary and painful to go out and try to meet people.  and now, when i push out from that boundary and see if i can find someone, i get pushed back, and rejected.  i just want to have a friend i can go do things with, is that too much to ask for?  i want to be able to talk with someone who doesn't reject me immediately, and who knows that i'm fragile and broken, but doesn't care because they like me.

i don't want to live my life like this anymore, and that's why i feel suicidal all the time, even with the drugs they've prescribed for me.  why can't things just be easy? why do i always feel like i'm fighting with everyone i meet?

ok, i'm going to go cry and watch videos of puppies on youtube until i go to sleep.  thanks for dealing with me, internet people.

update a day later:

we chatted for a bit, and it sounds like we'd really get along great.  but she's maybe moving back to the mainland soonish, and doesn't want to get attached.  which sucks, but isn't a direct rejection of me.  so it hurts some, but it feels a lot better.

also, i probably should not freak out all the time about everything.  stupid broken-ass brain. :-/

my brain sucks

panic attacks before a day off? how does that even make any sense?

:(

one thing i've decided i'm going to do soonish (maybe starting tomorrow?) is to go over various things that turn me on and talk about why i think they do that.  it's like an explanation of why i like all the stuff i've been posting for the past year or whatever.

i hope people enjoy them, and respond with their own thoughts about the topics.

i'm lazy

i plan to get a new post out soonish, but i've been too lazy to get anything out.

i appreciate everyone's comments on the new story, and plan on responding personally when my brain isn't sucky.

and that gave me a thought:  so, maybe, if i get five comments with things to write about, i'll put together a new story with those five things.  i don't want this to be like a threat or something, but i kind of feel like writing something, but don't have any good ideas right now.  so maybe if someone else prompted me, i could get something new together for you to read?  if you don't want to comment, you can just email me (clicky on my face to the right, i guess) and i'll accept that too.

i mean, what do you want to read? i think i'm messed up enough to write something everyone can enjoy.
:)

so, just so you know, being crazy isn't really that fun

yesterday i went to my new doctor appointment, and after listening to a boring dvd about the difference between psychiatrists and psychologists (and, ignore all that, because i'm getting a social worker instead), i finally got to talk.

and really, for like the first time in months, i kind of had the feeling that someone actually gave a fuck about me, and wanted to try to make my brain not want to kill me.

which, when you think about it, is probably a good thing.

there were some things i'm not sure he picked up on, but we talked for an hour and a half, and i could get a lot of the shit that weighs down on me off my chest, and he didn't care that we were probably only supposed to talk for an hour or any crap like that.

so, maybe, possibly, i've found someone who can make me not hate myself so much, and we can try to work through all this shit and make me a functional human being again.  that'd be great, because dealing with the side effects of feeling worthless and suicidal is kind of terrible.

i have two new appointments made, and he wants to keep that up, so we always have a month of sessions planned out. he also told me that if i freak him out too much, he's calling the cops and locking me in the room until they arrive to take me to the hospital. i guess that's good, because it pretty much means that if he thinks i'm too close to killing myself, he's going to take over and force me into a stricter "stop being crazy" treatment.  again, probably a good thing.

thanks again for dealing with my shit, everyone. thanks to danny for remembering my birthday, although i'm not big into the astrology stuff, thanks anyway. it's good to know that someone is out there remembering me and wishing i could fight my demons and get my brain right. thanks a lot. Really.

thanks to joe for being a douche. shall we quote your email, dick-face?:

"u are so hot what u need is to be with a man who is as filthy and crazy as you are
then you wont feel depressed and like there is something wrong with you.
get to know me. im real and into shit and piss and peversions as much as you are"

yes, thanks.  i'm sure that all i really need is a "man" to fuck me into sanity. that's wonderful help. maybe after that, you can stab me until this cough goes away? that seems to me to about the same level of therapy.

as for james, simone, miguel, lee, and mr. anonymous who all left supportive comments: thanks a lot. i really want to try to get better. it's people like you who come here and see the perverted shit i post and still think, "hey, this girl needs help. let's try to get her back on her feet so she feels good about herself, and then she can do whatever she wants." that's a great improvement over the people who just want me to suck it up, post porn so they can jack off, and if that makes me want to die, who cares, because i'm just some replaceable slut. i hope you have the bestest lives ever. you're really the best people i've met on this journey. i hope i can sort my shit out so we can all masturbate to super perverted shit again, like in the old days.

crap

somebody reviewed my story, and basically pointed out that instead of sending my corrected copy, i sent in the one with all the errors still in it. :(

i think i just did the edits on blogger, which means i don't have a copy of the corrected version anymore. i guess i just have to do it all over again. :(

jerks

so yeah. i'm done with jerks. don't be a jerk.

if we talk about how cool it would be to do kinky stuff, do this little quiz:

1. is sammy tied up under my feet right now?
2. is sammy sucking my cock right this instant?
3. did i hide sammy away somewhere no-one would ever look for her?

if you didn't answer yes at least once, please keep in mind the 3000+ miles between us, and keep your jerk in order, ok?