i fucking hate everything

most of the time, i can just ignore the fact that i'm going to die alone.  it's not really a big deal most of the time.

but then sometimes i remember that, and wonder how everyone else found people and got married and all that shit.

so i looked up some 'how do you date when you're an adult', and one of the suggestions some asshole came up with was 'i asked 20 of my friends to set me up with a friend.'

who the fuck has 20 friends that they can ask that kind of thing?  is that a thing people do?  people have enough friends that they can choose "only 20" of them for something like this?




i probably need to go back to therapy or try new drugs or something, b/c i'm probably more suicidal than i'm willing to admit.

i'm thinking maybe i should try dating again

i'm not getting younger, and i can feel myself getting older.

did you know that joints actually are shitty?  it's true.

not super happy about the middle age acne either, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

any advice?  i guess tinder is the thing now?  can i just post a few pics and a "hey, i'm weird and crazy, but i'd like to not die alone" or is that weird and crazy?

and how do you be like "i'd like to have an intimate partner to share my life and triumphs with, but if you'd be ok with me just hiding under a blanket for a a few hours a day, that'd really be wonderful."

so yeah.  hedgehog's dilemma and all that.





i wish we just had government mandated triads to belong to.  stupid anti-collectivists forcing us into a socially divisive capitalist nightmare.

sanity is over rated

i should know.  i looked over the opposition, took my pills, and looked at what that brought me.

i'm not complaining about my sanity.  it's reassuring to not freak out about minor upsets.  it's good to not see a dead animal and need to take a day off to recuperate.  it's nice to go out in public and not feel so much like an absolute freak.

i mean, i still mumble things to myself, and count on my fingers in a way that can't be reassuring to other people.

but feeling like this.

with what i think is what people know as "normal" in my hands.

it's weird and difficult and challenging.

when you know no one else sees what you see, and know that what makes you panic might  not exist, it's easy to draw away and accept that you're in a fantasy realm.

but when you crash down to the real world, and have to deal with trash, and the leaves you tracked in on your shoes, and "laundry".

shit turns out to be real.



so, a check-in on things:

1. my favorite forum turns out to be moderated by racists, so i guess it's not my favorite anymore?
2. i feel like i should write more, but i've been getting home at like 8pm.  
1. not hating your work means you have less time for porn.
2. this feels like it should be a positive?
3. nice that the country understands useless insanity now.  would have even nicer 24 months ago, but i guess i have to live with the repercussions of anti-democratic fascist jurists being placed by corrupt fascists.
4. or, you know, walls and shakespeare and such. 
1. just a suggestion.

voting notes.

also future stuff.

The Exhibition: Voting

The Exhibition: Voting
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-exhibition-voting.html

dream thing

i'm visiting someone, or travelling, or something?

but it's bedtime, and there are like three other people, but they're all mummified, or in sleep sacks, and they're quietly moaning and stuff.  i have an air mattress instead, and i lie down.

a few minutes later, i start to freak out, and for the first time ever, i'm pretty sure i had a panic attack while sleeping.  in the dream, i sit on the floor, and dig my fingers into the carpet, and just hold on as everything goes dark from tunnel vision.  i'm struggling to get my breathing to calm down, but nothing seems to help.

a tall lady who bound everyone else comes over and sits next to me.  she doesn't touch me, but she just talks to me in a soft voice that she's there, and that i'm safe, and nothing bad is going to happen.  i want to ask her to tie me up too, so that i don't have to make any decisions, but i'm just too scared to do anything but claw at the floor.

then i woke up and hugged a pillow until my heart stopped pounding so hard.

but touch my tears, with your lips

touch my world, with your fingertips,


...


forever is our today.

who wants to live forever?

Ad infinitum

wow

sitting here, listening to music i remember from college.

CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT

turns out some things keep triggering when you don't expect them to.

i didn't.  i really want to, but i didn't.

i have a new dream shit story coming soon, probably.  unless i don't.  it's super gross, and i kind of hate it, but it's the me that's here now, so i should cope as much as i can.

i woke up from a dream this morning.

i was laughing while running a dull knife up and down my arm.  “it can’t do anything!  it's not even sharp!"  i looked down at the blade, and noticed it was weirdly pink.  i then looked at my arm, and saw that it was mauled beyond recognition.  "ha.  gross.  people are probably going to notice that."

then i woke up.

oh no, don't say it's true.

please?

i got back from travel.  i'm super tired and exhausted, and just really want to go to sleep.

but then i check my twitter, and i see the news.


i'm going to listen to some more music for a bit, and then go to sleep, and hope that this is all just a nightmare, and i'll awake to happier tidings.

:(

the news just said that a monk seal just died on laysan island.  i probably would have completely ignored it, but the name of the island jumped out at me.

i should read the latest chapter.