Monday, January 18, 2016

i need to do an update thing

i'm 57 pages back on pixiv.  fucking forever back there.  i'm going to be delayed until like june.

ok, not june, but 57 fucking pages.  there's a lot of porn i need to consume before i'm up-to-date.

i did the therapy.  i'm not super optimistic.  it turns out "that seems like junky behavior" might actually be junky behavior.  she was all "i don't think you need drugs, but if we do drugs, it'd probably be the antidepressants that made masturbating so hard."  wonderful.

and she was kind of dismissive of my concerns.  not cool.  i'm beginning to think i got the best ever therapist first, and have been dealing with reject morons ever since.

so, i have three more dates scheduled.  maybe i'll stick to them, maybe i'll message her and suggest she go fuck herself.  i've spent a lot of showers wasting water thinking about how shit that session was.

i sucked at writing.  i was going to write a bunch, and then didn't.  no reason.  just didn't.  key has a new thing out.  it's a review, not a new story, but is like, "go read a book," and i have to be all "i have lots of books i haven't read!" because i'm shit at reading books.

"being shit" seems to be my new catchphrase for 2016.  sorry about that.

"so, hey, sammy.  got any thoughts on how to do 2016 better?"

sure.


  1. tell you to listen to music i like more.  not everyone is dead yet, so there's good stuff out there.
  2. finis some of the stories i aven't.
  3. determine why h doesn't always sow up.
  4. probablye should do 2 on my new laptop.
  5. tis one seems junk.
  6. try not to die.  "duh, that's easy." ha ha, live with this brain for a week, jerkington.
  7. "not all presidents can be insults."  fine, president fucksavelt.  douche quincy fuck-you.  james k wank.


Sunday, January 10, 2016

oh no, don't say it's true.

please?

i got back from travel.  i'm super tired and exhausted, and just really want to go to sleep.

but then i check my twitter, and i see the news.


i'm going to listen to some more music for a bit, and then go to sleep, and hope that this is all just a nightmare, and i'll awake to happier tidings.

Friday, December 18, 2015

so i responded to a date request.

"sorry, i'm kind of out of town until mid january.  so maybe we can pick things up then?"

"or, chat a bit online?  idk.  whatever."

i am best at dating.  my dating is 100% effective.




i hope therapy makes me not so <this> all the time.
:(

Sunday, December 13, 2015

i’m guessing the answer is “i don’t actually care enough to comment on this, because you’re just a commodity store of a particular kind of curated porn.”

(this is me cross posting manually from tumblr.  where i have more followers.  this is not a shame thing about blogger.  i love all my people equally.  also brokenly.  let's get to the text.)

so, hey, hi.  i’m sammy.  i try to keep a constant steady stream of porn coming out on my blog because of reasons.  some fraction of you enjoy that, and so we work together in a symbiotic way.


except, more recently, i’ve been pushing things into the queue, and keeping the queue posting rate hourly so that the queue fills and fills.
it turns out there is more than 24 good porn posted to tumble everyday.

part of the reason is that i’m going on vacation for new years.  and don’t want to blog porn on christmas.  that’s just rude
the problem, of course, is that i’m a small fraction of the “porn jerks” on tumblr, so you’ve probably seen it before my queue gets around to it.  sorry.
so that’s kind of the main theme.  my blog is going to be delayed on new things for the holidays so i can kind of try to keep a constant stream of stuff going when i can’t actively add to it.
don’t worry, i think i can add new stuff if it’s super new and cool, but whatever.

so, what’s the point of this rant, here, sammy?


i’m going to start therapy in january.  this is therapy for me to try to get less anxious about everything, and in turn, try to make my constant depression not a thing i have to deal with.  my brain is just in an awful place, and if you look at what i post, you’ll get some of the picture.
not all of it, because you can’t see me crying when i see certain posts.  this is getting worse, and is a large part of why i’m going back to therapy;.

“wait, are you trying to be all ‘oh, microtransgressions via porn are injuring my psyche?’ you dumb cunt?”

a) no, b) stop following me you jackass, and c) things set me off in weird ways.  i saw a dog unlock a deadbolt to let his owners into their house and i cried for five minutes.  i watched a round of wheel of fortune and cried for half an hour.  wheel of fortune.  my brain is all off in this place where being told that ketchup is red might set it off in a grand despair.  this doesn’t make sense, this is stupid, this is why i’m going to therapy soon.  



here’s what i hope happens:
1) I stop hating myself so much, about everything, all the time.

2) I stop hating you and every other person on the planet for no good reason.

3) I can finish stories i’ve written that i can’t focus enough to get to the end of.
4) I can keep posting on tumblr the cute/gross/snug posts i enjoy.

5) I don’t end up killing myself quickly (jumping from lanai) or slowly (all alcohol all day).
6) I can learn how safe/stable/honest relationships work.



so.  let’s see what happens in the new year.  i’ll likely be out of contact a lot until then, but hopefully we all make it.






Friday, December 11, 2015

so i guess i'm going to try therapy again.

the panic attacks and intrusive thoughts got really too far up for me to ignore them.  so i took a very old ambien and called up the brain doctor receptionist to get me scheduled for next year.

"you general practitioner can give you all kinds of useful brain drugs.  have you talked to her about that?"

no?  that's an option?  "i would like more ambien, please.  also all the xanax.  please?"  doesn't that make me look like some sort of junky?

i mean, not that i'm super sober sammy all the time anyway.  just.  can you just ask for powerful mind altering drugs?

and if so, why don't we let everyone have these?  if i go from suicidally off to calm and normal after taking a pill, why is that something we prevent other people from having?

ok, sure, you're going to bring up the old opium cough syrup that made my mind explode in sinus clearing rapture.

how is that opium spawned peace any better than the peace i try to steal from alcohol?

this is a mess, and a good reason to not share blogs with therapists.

who will probably tell me unhappy things when I see her next year.

let's all cross our fingers that i can break through some shit and not be such a fucking waste all the time.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

ugh

worked from home today.  figure out that i made a mistake more than a year ago, so now i have to fix junk for something that was supposed to be finished by the end of the year.

then i noticed that the sun had gone down.  part of the reason for working from home was that i would have time to call the mental health doctor people, and get an appointment set up.  great job, me.  fucked that up.

and then i'm brushing my teeth to go to bed, and a massive panic attack hits.  all about the shit i would have to admit if i was really serious about getting better, and how i'm not really sure i can do that, so what's even the point if i'm not really going to get better?

and that led to me coughing snot out of throat until i could push the panic down enough so that it's constant drone of "you're going to suffocate like this, and they'll find you in your filthy apartment!" wasn't so loud and then drink enough water to stop coughing.

did you know if you have really angry coughs that you can't really control, you eventually get bits of blood?

or maybe i just brushed something weird and the blood from from my gums.  both are pretty terrifying, when you think about it (and have underlying pre-established fear about everything and everyone).


except terrorists, funnily enough, because i may be crazy, but at least i'm not a republican.


here's to hoping 2016 works better for me.