Tuesday, August 26, 2014

can't sleep, clown will eat me

so i'm back from vacation.  going on vacation where you go see friends and family and do all sorts of not your regular stuff is great.  you can be all "oh, i don't care what we have for dinner, i'm super flexible," because like, you don't have to slog out to the store to buy hard-ass cali rolls from safeway, because you got home and didn't have anything to eat in your fridge.

ok, that got super depressing way faster than i planned.

anyway, vacation was good, i enjoyed not having to think everyday, and i enjoyed playing with all the cute toddlers that i'm apparently never going to make.

there's the depression again.  sorry.

but seriously, little kids are great.  they're all like "mama, snack?"  and when she says no, they come to you, and are like "whatever, you're a fucking grown up, right?  snack?"  and then you sneak a few chips, because you're not like a monster, right?

but now i'm back going to work, and i could feel my body tense up this morning when i woke up, knowing i had to go back to the same shit as usual.  the good thing?  i went on vacation when the stuff i was working on wasn't finished.  so my boss took it over.  "this is way harder than i thought it would be." fucking THANK YOU.  i've been trying to get that point across for months now.


so, here's how things are right now:

  1. i hate not having vacation all the time.
  2. why do my parents get that channel, but i don't?  my condo is switching cable stuff next month, so i guess i'll get digital cable for free or something, but i'll have missed this whole marathon thing  by then.
  3. i still need to finish that story.  i hoped i could write it on vacation.  i had too many ovary-feels to do that.
  4. if i could convince myself that i'd be sane all the time, it'd be great to have my own family with babies and stuff.  as it is, i'm pretty sure making a baby and then dealing with it and my everyday crazy would be bad for everyone involved.
  5. did everyone see that Mr. Veterinarian has a new picture?  well, a few pictures, but only one is drawn.  the comment says it's old, but who really cares?  Mr. Veterinarian.  doing art.  for everyone to go look at and enjoy.
  6. i saw all the stuff in my news stuff, so i guess everyone else did too about the robin williams stuff.  stuff.  but like, i really think we should all just accept that at some point, people just can't deal with living anymore.  yes, it's sad, but making some one live a life they're not happy with day after day just doesn't seem like it's the right thing to do.  like locking a puppy in a tiny cage and never letting it out.
  7. no, i'm not as suicidal as i have been in the past, i'm just regular sad.  so stop being a worrier.

Monday, August 4, 2014

i mean, why can't anything go well for me?

remember when i took prescription drugs and then left my freezer wide open?

now my kitchen smells like hot rotten garbage.  i've tried all the febreeze, and i bought a smelly air freshener, and i tried to dump bleach under my fridge, but it's just stinky hot rotten garbage smell everywhere.

and i go on vacation this week, and i still hate work, and i hate travelling because it makes me super stressed out, and now i'm going to go away, and come back to my whole apartment smelling like hot rotten garbage.

because it's supposed to be a tropical storm this week, i guess, so i'll have to close all my windows and things.

i can't even figure out where the smell is coming from.  "under the fridge" is my best guess, but i can't figure out how to clean that.  do i really have to like hire people to come in to move my fridge so i can clean the stinky shit up from under it?

this is why i hate shit.  it's just too hard to get up, live a life, and do stuff everyday.  i don't want to live with garbage smell.  why do we even have garbage smells?  why don't companies make "oh, you have shitty garbage smell under your fridge.  buy our 'unsmell the shitty smell from under your fridge' product"?

i bet it's because they're jerks.  companies pretty much universally seem to be jerks.  right, oceanic?  right, google?  right...some other company i'm angry at today.  stink smell company.  why do you even exist, stink smell company?

Saturday, August 2, 2014

yay for scheduling weird posts

so.  panic attacks.

that's basically been my week.  my bosses all "DO THINGS TO BE DONE!" while i'm like "I CAN'T!"

all day.

because i'm doing vacation next week, so it's all...not going to work and stuff.

but, because i have to set up everything so other people can do my work while i'm gone, i'ts totally all panic attacks.  which is totally wonderful.

except not.

i will totally get part two of spa treatment out soonish.

i seriously don't understand people who are like "here are nine parts, it's totes cool!"

no it isn't.  i spend hours on this shit, and it takes another "the hours" to edit it to not suck so much!

"Nicole blushed bright red, leaving Mona to laugh to herself as she reversed the girls' positions"

that's a sentence! unless i change it later to be less lame.  that's kind of sucky, right?  i really need to work on dialogue.  that's where characters come to life."


i'm going to sleep now, i'll try harder tomorrow, i hope you have a great saturday, kisses and loves,


Friday, August 1, 2014

how is Lughnasadh even a word?

let alone a holiday?

sorry, someone said shit 9-6 months ago, and i can't back down from a wikipedia fight.




because if i listen to a song twice and it calms me down both times, i can't not share it, right?

i really don't care what you say.  it makes me smile, it makes me feel less shit, it makes me happy.

hopefully it does the same for you.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

sorry, everybody

i'm going to do a sad poor-sammy post again.

but i don't have people to vent to in real life, so i put my sad angry feelings here, and that helps somewhat.

i've been re-trying my ambien the last few days to see if they help me sleep better.

turns out that led to me getting a popsicle at whatever-am, falling asleep with it on my face in bed, and leaving the freezer door open.

so i had a fun morning throwing out everything in my freezer and cleaning up all the icky juice shit it all left behind.

and then i go to work, and it's just explosion of shit after explosion of shit.  i just don't even want to deal with it anymore.

which leads to cutting thoughts.

because everything leads to cutting thoughts now-a-days.

and that's when i sit back, and look at some cute animal pictures, and try to not cry all night long.

because i'm afraid that if i start crying, i'll start bleeding again.

i hate this life.  more than i've hated anything ever.  i hate that i break down like this, and i hate that i have to dump it out for people to see to keep me from hurting myself.  this isn't right, this isn't cool, and the fact that this is the best way for me to deal with things is just horrible.

i really don't post these looking for sympathy or shit like that.  i just don't have another way to vent any of my anger.  i could tell the jerk in my office to "go the fuck home, because if you cough every ten seconds, you're probably sick, fuckhead!" but then my boss would have to deal with hr issues, and i shouldn't dump my issues on others.  i could tell my other boss to stop being so stupid, but he's dealing with a kid, and so sometimes he's dumb because he went home early.

basically, i could yell at people, but that wouldn't do anyone any good, so i get this build up of angry yells, and they don't have a target i'm willing to point them at, so they start eating up into me.

so i get more sads than usual, and then i have a cry out with you.

sorry that you have to listen to my crazy rambles and rants, when a lot of you just wish i'd finish the next part of that story.  i'm trying.  it's about half done?  i really like the ending of this one, so i wish i could just get to it and show you all.  i'm tempted to put up a "here's the outline" thing, but then it'd be lots of spoilers, and you'd get bored when the real story didn't live up to your expectations from the outline.


i hate being such a failure and having everyone think i'm so great when i'm not.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

wtf, 1950s

so...the "bull dyke" cuddled up against her and gave her kisses?

we're not the cause of problems.  it's just making everyone feel happy if they want to.

and i can't imagine that happened on the floor.  "are you ok?  let's more to the bed, maybe?  it's softer, and the table isn't in the way.  come on, we'll have more fun there."

this is just liek how ole white dudes imagined how lesbians acted.