Monday, November 24, 2014

a bunch of sammy thoughts, so feel free to skip this one and wait for new porn

or, even better: you can look at lots of porn if you click to my tumblr.  that's largely where i'm looking at my porn now, because it's like a never ending river of porn that you can wade into, and let the porn wash over and around you.

thought 1: if you're afraid to go to work everyday, you should probably quit.  if you turn that fear into a motivator to use a gun to shoot people just because they don't listen to you, you should go to jail.  if you shoot people who actually are listening to you, you should double go to jail.  most people aren't criminals, so it doesn't make sense to assume they all are.  especially if that assumption is just because they're not the same race as you.  i'm glad i live someplace where the cops don't seem to be awful people most of the time.  it'd be great if they'd learn that homeless people are still people, but at least in those cases they still seem to just harass them into moving.  nobody ends up dead.

thought 2: remember last month when we had a hurricane, and i realized that homeless people are still people, and i could do more to help them than "nothing"?  i saw the newspaper guy over the weekend, and was able to get my window down and give him that $10 i had saved for him.  i'll admit that his hand touched mine when i handed him the money, and i held that hand all weird until i could get home and wash it clean.  i'm admitting that because i do the same thing when the cashier at safeway touches me handing me the receipt, when i have to touch the gas pump, and even when my doctor is like "yay! let's shake hands because that's fun!"  my brain is weird, and i don't like touching people because that makes me uncomfortable.

thought 3: on the doctor subject, i went back to the doctors to see if my knees actually suck, or if they're just grumpy for some reason.  it seems like the answer is "grumpy," with the suggestion that "diet and exercise can help things like this."  thanks for calling me fat, doctor knees.  in any case, i had to do more vampire tests, and they did another liver test since it was junky last time.  switching to tea instead of vodka at bedtime worked, i guess.  i should probably stick with tea to be healthy.  lame.

thought 4: i leave for a vacation tomorrow, so probably nothing much here for the next week.  also probably not much on that tumblr i mentioned once the queue dries up.  so basically no porn from me.  i think i used this before, but if you see news of a plane crash to or from honolulu and i don't ever post again, then i was on that plane and ker-sploded.  sorry i never finished those stories!


Friday, November 21, 2014

yay! more impending depression!

i probably should have realized when writing stopped being fun that it was probably a sign of a depression attack.  that's not the right word, but whatever.  things have been ok-ish all week, and then today it just seemed like nothing was right, and everything was junky, and nothing was good.

i think a large chunk of this is holiday related stuff.  i hate the holidays, and i probably always will.  stupid consumerism, stupid fake caring about people that get ignored every other stupid day of the year, stupid telling people that you like them for one day, so here's a gift everyone feels obligated to give.  grump.

i do like christmas tree smell, and some of the music.  my apartment lobby always gets a tree, and i sometimes sit there and smell it for as long as i can before i feel awkward sitting reading junk mail.

but anyway, holidays always make me super aware of my social anxiety, so i'm doing the smart thing, and flying to visit friends for thanskgiving.  wait, that's not the right word.  in any case, it will hopefully not be too bad, and i'll get to see people that i can mostly deal with in real life.

until i get back, and then maybe even until new years, i'm probably just going to be lazy, and not try to get new stuff written.  i'm pretty sure if i tried to force the next part, i'd just end up hating it.

probably not nearly as much as i hate this brain roller coaster, though.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

this was going to be combined with that museum thing from earlier, but i didn't, so now it's a different thing.

first thing:  drinking tea to go to sleep is not the same as drinking vodka.  first difference: you don't cough as much drinking tea.  second difference: all the teas taste different, even when you restrict yourself to variations of green tea with honey.  third difference: i don't get snacky hungry as much at night.  fourth difference: i wake up at the time when the sun is like "Hey!  Let's be friends!"  no, sun.  i don't want to be your friend, because it's like ass oclock in the morning.  fifth difference: i may be a bit grumpier than before.  sixth difference: not drinking for 11 days feels pretty much the same as not drinking for 1 day.  or drinking for 11 days.  i guess i'm saying this one isn't much of a difference.

second thing: i'm a bit burned out on writing.  i've tried to work on three different stories, and i've put together about one sentence total.  i think i'm just going to take a break and try again after thanksgiving.  one main issue is that i just don't know where i want to go with "exhibition."  do i want to do more romantic stuff?  do i want to skip that and push back to weird torture-y bondage stuff?  can i figure out a way to mush them together and do both?  all the other big multipart stories i read seem like they have a plan and an running theme that they're working towards.  i just slap my fingers at the keyboard and churn out whatever my brain comes up with that day, without any concern about how to tie it to the future.

third thing: i think if someone sends me two emails in 24 hours, the second of which is "you didn't respond, so i'm going to say the same things again, pointing out how you didn't respond the first time," i'm either going to ignore that person forever, or i'll wait for the inevitable third email and then point out that i thought they were kind of a creeper way back at the first email, but i wanted to be polite and not bring that up.  also, if you're that guy, i'm totally talking about you right now.

my local museum is cooler than your local museum.

because my local museum is having a show titled "modern love: 20th century japanese erotic art".  that picture is totally one from their webpage.

it looks like it opens this weekend, and runs until mid-march, so i have lots of time to stop by.  that also gives me lots of time to spread when i decide to visit out, so i don't have to worry about someone seeing me there and being all, "hey, aren't you sammy from the internet?"


so the people who send story feedback and seem interesting never respond.

the ones who are like, "hey, i'm your internet bf now," never stop responding.

and has anyone in the history of ever ever been impressed with "you should google me"?  no.  the answer is no.

grumble.  now i remember why i started drinking.

Friday, November 14, 2014

i hate writing story teasers

i'm trying to get things submitted to stories online, but i have to put together descriptions, and i hate everything i put in there.

"it's a story.  i think it's good.  i'd tell you more, but that'd ruin the story, i think.  it probably has something to do with the word in the title.  just saying."


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Exhibition: Food

The Exhibition: Food

read "food" first.

you know the drill by now

random days off are great.

because it's like a free sunday, except instead of going to sleep knowing you have to wake up on a crappy monday, it's an indifferent wednesday.  yay!

story stuff: i looked into stories online, and sent in my test story to see if i could figure out how it works.  it's way more complicated than the other ones, with a lot of extra clicks and what not.  i screwed up the first time, and submitted it as a "continuing" instead of "one part" story.  one cool thing that i'll have to play with is that it looks like i can define a series for "exhibition," and then submit the parts as stories in that series.  that might make it easier to organize things into the right order there.

i'm also mostly done with "food."  i need to decide on the ending i want, and do my proof on that.  if i'm less lazy than usual, it'll be up this evening.  i have one more part in my head, but that's likely to be the end of "exhibition" until i think up new things.  that will give me a chance to try to get more done one "spa treatment," which i've ignored for like four months now.

finally, it looks like bdsmlibrary updated again, although not with the stuff i sent them in august.  the forum says they had "hackers" and "blah blah bullshit i don't care about," but that they're fixing that and trying to get things up and running again.  i'm going to hold off on sending stuff to them until they get a few more regular updates going, i think.

depressing stuff:  it turns out that stopping drinking isn't lots of fun.  the biggest problem is that i've apparently forgotten how to go to sleep.  i drink my tea, i watch my youtube videos, i feel the "ok, it's sleepy time, i guess," and then i curl up and nothing happens.  for like two to three hours.  not a lot of fun.

then, as a double bonus, when i do get to sleep, i have nightmares again.  yay.  nothing more fun than making friends with people, and then watching them all fall to their deaths at the same time.  so that makes it hard to stay asleep when i do get there.  which also is not a lot of fun.

however, other than "sleeping sucks now," this doesn't seem like that hard of a thing to do.  so, maybe sammy isn't really an alcoholic, just a habitual drunk.  yay?  plus, maybe i'll lose weight or something?  whatever.  sorry for getting weird.



Sunday, November 9, 2014

so maybe sitting around all day looking at porn isn't the most productive thing

like forever ago, i posted this thing, which is by sumomo dou.

and then today i read all the stuff that's in english, and some of the stuff that isn't.

this is a good one, without as much of the weirder grosser stuff that shows up a lot.