Saturday, July 4, 2015

dudes i'm cool with fucking.

  1. david bowie.
  2. freddie murcury, with all that would entail, and all the facts about that.  yes.
  3. eddie vedder.
  4. dumbledore.
  5. ian mckellan.
  6. joe biden.

Friday, July 3, 2015

morning porn dream

we're in the garage.  on the couch.  in the garage.  that is there.

but we met on the plane.  "i'm going around the world."

"i'm going home."

"can i visit?"


we're there, on the couch, i'm closer to the house, she's toward the street.

"i don't even know you're name."

"samantha, you surely do?"


"katja" she says, the german accent explicit to my ear.

"katja."  i repeat.  remembering something from somewhere.

she sits up, twists, falls down.

i'm buried under her, and i feel her arms wrap around my body, pulling me closer.  "what was that?"

the garage door slides down.  the guy who does...stuff?  rests a bike under the door to prop it open a few feet from the floor.  "something's happened."

a bunch of cats flood into the garage.

katja slinks up onto a perch next to the couch, back arched against the gunshots we're aware of outside.

i gasp, and feel her paw at my face from behind me.


and then i wake up, worried about my dear katja.  i hope we share a dream again, as i think we've done in the past.

Thursday, July 2, 2015


sorry for being dumb.  a lot of sorries on that front.

sorry if i send a drunk email that is super weird and super out of the blue.  not sure if it was a drunk email?  here's the flow chart:

  1. did you get an email from me?
    1. it was a drunk email.  probably should throw it away.
"no, but sammy, it's all ok, you're not dumb!"

yes i am.  i am super dumb, and i paste over my insecurities with a lot of alcohol.  which is stupid, because you can't fucking paste shit with alcohol.  

"hey, let's stick these things together!"  
"great idea! let's use a liquid that actively resists sticky shit!"  

i wish i could try harder than i do, but trying hard is hard, and failing at something hard doesn't hurt any less than failing at something simple.  it's way easier to be like "hey, let's drink less" and then fuck that up.  you get that feeling in your brain telling you how "gorss" you are, and that you're such a "dumb bich".

ha ha ha, anxiety!  you've fallen into my trap of "get anxiety so fucking drunk she pees herself, because it's super hard to make me feel bad when you've got wet underwear"!

but not really, because anxiety is still me, and when anxiety is all "gots to pee," i make sure we both get there in time.  mostly because i have no clue how you fix a pee soaked bed.

so, what i think i'm saying is "i'm drunk again, as usual" and "i'm sorry that i've pulled you in to my crazy world."  i am going to try super hard to get stories out this long weekend.  i might fuck it up and fail, but i am going to try.

Monday, June 29, 2015



i did carmilla.

and this new one.

i was all "fuck all this shit.  fuck it all.  this shit? fuck it!" until chapter 11.  out of like 38 or something.  i hope they figure out how much they're fucking it up.

but i'm kind of getting it, so i'm not so so hard "fuck it" as i was.  i'm going to go watch episodes 12-38+, so i might totally change this around, but right now, i'm giving it a weak "go see this".

if you care.

if not, i'm going to give you a super sweaty hug!


Sunday, June 28, 2015

omg i am dying

there won't be any stories up in the near future.  it is fucking a billion degrees, and doing anything more than "sweating to death" is too much effort.  you said the trades would be back last week, kanoe.  there were no trades.  today you're like, "whoops!  honolulu didn't have a record, but the other islands did!"  make the sky suck less, kanoe.

i'm also thinking (once it cools down and i can catch up some) that i should start making story "traps."  the idea is that once i have the outline finished, i schedule that as a blog post for a year in the future.  then, if i slack off and don't write the story in that year, the outline just goes up and i admit that i'm bad at this.  i think that provides a bit more incentive to actually sit my butt down and write some.

which i would have today during the hours of nothing to do that i spent dying from the heat.  i'm going to blame the heat for why this morning's dream stories were all horror when i intentionally went back to snooze expecting sexy-fun dreams.

and i was dumb on friday night and logged in to a dating site i haven't used in years, and immediately got a message that i've been ignoring.  i should really have a pre-written "i'm sorry that i'm terrible at being a human being" note to send when that happens.

six early morning half asleep horror dreams

"nightmares" i guess is the word.  then two links.

1.  "61:12"

i'm leaving a meeting at work, and turn the corner in the hallway, only to be stopped by someone from high school.  i haven't seen her since then.  "they're having sex!" she maniacally cackles at me.


she points down at a pile of three pink throw pillows next to the wall.  "they're having sex!"

i wander away, and try to find my office.  i open a door, and inside is a brightly decorated place, with all sorts of plants and photos and filled in calendars.  "whoops, wrong office," i think to myself.  "good thing no one was naked inside."  i go down a few more doors, and open my office.  it's completely empty except for my desk and a cardboard box.  it's a drab grey color, and it seems to suck all the color out of everything.  i go in and sit down.

i wake up with a start, realizing that i must have fallen asleep at work.  i look around, but the office door is closed, so no one would have seen me sleeping.  i look at the clock, and it tells me it's 61:12 o'clock.  i get up to look at it, and i see outside the window that the sky is the color of fire, and everything else is a ashy grey color.

2.  "eyes"

i'm at home, watching stuff on youtube.  my laptop screen flashes, and then goes black.  i jab at the keyboard to make it come back, and it shows like three different half illuminated scenes all at once.  the video i was watching, words typing, and some other video.  they're overlaid and mixed together, like it's trying to display all of them at the same time.  i close and open the screen to make it reset, and it eventually switches back to the youtube video.  but it's all wrong.  the tv show or whatever it's from doesn't work right.  characters stop mid sentence and turn to look at me.  it then switches to a different scene, but they all degenerate the same way.

3.  "eyes 2"

i've just gotten out of the shower, and i'm using the one towel that's just slightly smaller than my other towels, so it's hard to pull around and keep closed.  but i'm also at work, and two people from another department have stopped by.  "we need you to do this thing for us," they start.  it doesn't matter that they're not my boss, and that i have no idea how to do what they want because it's not something i know how to do, they keep insisting that i have to do this for them.  while i'm trying very hard to not be completely naked at work.

more people stop by, and set up a conference around my desk.  at least while i'm sitting, i only need to keep one side totally covered.  there are like seven other people talking, and i kind of fade back, letting them all shout over each other about this project they want me to do.  i look up, and they're all staring at me.  not talking, not doing anything else, just staring.  they way they're doing it, it's no longer like they're seven people, but just one mind with seven appendages.

this is the point where i realize that i know it's a dream, and that i can do things.  i'm the thing they're attached to.  i make them all flail their heads around and gibber.  i look away and look back, and they're staring again, but they have no eyes.  i look away and look back, and all their faces are scrambled.  a mouth is added to replace an eye.  eyes replace noses.  but due to some reason, the eyes are identical, as are the mouths.  i can only replace things if everything is the same across all of the people.

4. "car"

i have some friends at my house.  we're going to go somewhere.  i'm going to drive, but my car is filled with trash.  "give me a minute, and i'll clear this out."  i start throwing empty water bottles and fast food napkins into a trash bag, but things don't seem to get better.  by the time i have the front seat done, it's been like an hour of work.  no one else seems to be helping, so i try to see what they've been doing.

i get out of the car, and there is a table and chairs set up in the parking space next to mine.  "where did that come from?"

"your trunk"

"i don't have that.  put that back, because my neighbor might come home and get angry that she can't park in her space."  i start to work on the back seat, but they keep taking more furniture out of my trunk, cluttering up the entire garage.  i walk around, and one of the friends is closing the trunk lid.  "stop that!  i want to see inside!"  she stares at me while she closes the trunk, but before it shuts, i see that there's just a black nothing inside it.

5.  "return flight"

i'm coming home after visiting friends, and i'm trying to check in at the airport.  but there aren't any regular check in lines, just a maze like room filled with different machines.  there are workers standing around, but none of them are helping people find a machine or anything.  they're all labeled like "only for GZYP!"  and "MMM users!"  none of that makes any sense.  i finally stop at one labeled "for YM" and try to check in.  i fumble for a card, and it beeps, and shows my name.  the screen turns on, but it's facing the ceiling, so it's at a weird angle for me.  i see it's hinged, so i pull it up so i can see it better.  however, instead of just being flat, it's showing me like a 3d projection of the plane, with my seat highlighted.  as i move the screen, everything overlaps because they just rotate with the screen.  "it's for taller people," i say to myself.

i keep trying to check in, and i notice that the plane is too short.  those tiny planes don't fly to hawaii.  i click on something, and it shows that i'm flying from san francisco to oakland, then to boston, london, and tokyo.  i start to panic, because it's like all the places i've ever looked at to fly to are in this one ticket.  i look around to see who i can talk to to change it so i can just go home, but no one seems to care.  my breathing speeds up, and i can feel the panic attack hit.

i slump over the machine, and look up to see a group of people walk up to an old lady.  "let us help you get this all sorted out," they say to her.  i wave wildly at them, struggling to not choke as my panicked breathing flutters in and out.  one of the workers looks over at me, frowns, and then continues to ignore me.

6. "ghosts"

i've somehow got some gunk on my fingers, and need to wash it off.  i walk to the "bathroom" in the apartment building (that isn't mine, and i'm not sure what it is).  i see someone who helps me get the door open, and i walk in and turn on the light.  it's not a real bathroom, but a long hallway that turns to the right.  in the corner, there's a sink though.  i walk down to the sink, and glance down past the corner, seeing two or three people going into their rooms.

i wash my hands, keeping my back to the wall because something feels weird.  i look back down the hallway, and there are now clearly two people going into their room.  one is a very old man, and he walks in a halting stumble.  just as he gets to the door, the woman further down the hallway glides to her door.  i look over to get some paper towels, and i look back the way i came.  a short pregnant lady is walking towards me, then turns, and goes to her room.

i look back behind me, and the old man and woman have reset, and are returning to their rooms again.  i start to walk back to the doorway, pausing slightly to avoid the pregnant woman, and then dashing past as she reaches her door.


maybe not the best, or even properly scary if you don't have the half-asleep brain state, but since they all piled up this morning, i felt i either had to write them down or proper wake up to flush them out of my head.  i'd forgotten the car one until i started writing, and went back to add that back in.

anyway, link 1.  i think i've linked to this before, but hopefully everyone is reading the sunstone stuff at deviant art.  it's really good stuff.  bondage, sex, realistically misunderstood feelings and relationship stuff.  this one was particularly funny to me.

link 2.  i saw it this morning and it made me giggle, so i'm sharing it here for you too.  i hope pswkua does more short story stuff.

Friday, June 26, 2015

i'll probably have more to say about it later, but

today was a good day.

yesterday was good too, when they said that just because of a typo, millions of people won't get kicked off their insurance.  reading the news, it sounded like a lot of people were angry, because they wanted people to suffer.

but hearing today that they also decided that just because some people are stupid, doesn't mean everyone doesn't deserve to be treated the same.  like, first off, duh.  but to have it set into the law that no matter where you go in the country, you get to be treated the same.  i'm crying now, but it's a good cry.

on the radio driving home, they had people arguing that "now gay people are going to be discriminating against the people who didn't want them to get married!  they're the bad guys now!  religion!"  what?



if i (suddenly got sufficiently less crazy to form a proper relationship, find someone who didn't mind the remaining crazy, and decided that i) wanted to get married, i'm not going to go into like, "snake-handling speaking-in-tongues it's-your-own-fault-you-were-raped" church, and be all, "hah!  i got you now, intolerant jerks!  you've got to marry me now!  rules! laws!  boom!  where's your god now?"

like, in what world do people do that?

i'd probably skip the church thing, or we'd find one that was cool with the whole thing.  why would you want to do something like that with jerks around?

see, that's why this has been dumb since the beginning.  it's never been "gay people against religion."  it's just that so many people think that if everyone is treated the same, somehow they don't win as many religion points or whatever.  "i can only do my religion if i make sure you know that i don't like you in the most public way possible."  right.  great.  go be awful someplace else.

anyway, i'm going to get drunk and try not to cry anymore tonight.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

remember when i bought underwear and toilet paper?

i think something's weird with the toilet paper.  like they changed it to be softer or something.  more on that when i sit down and compare the new stuff against the last roll of the old stuff.


but this post is about different stuff.


me, watching cashier scan things, and swiping my card to pay, since target is one of those places you can just swipe, and then it sorts itself out without shitting itself at the end.  you know how that works, Longs?  no.  no you fucking don't.  jerk: ""

cashier: "oh these are great, i love how they're just the right size for a meal"

me, looking at the hot pockets i'm buying: ""

cashier: "or, like you can have a quick lunch before you head out!"

me, remembering when i waited for the frozen aisle to clear so i could hastily grab two boxes of hot pockets and stuff them in my cart when no one could see me: ""

cashier: "sometimes, i like to have them for a snack in the afternoon, when i'm feeling a bit peckish!"

me, trying not to think about how i'm totally eating two of them for dinner, because i kind of just want a bunch of fat and enough protein that i don't feel hungry when i go to bed: ""

people next in line: "wow that girl is buying just like underwear, toilet paper, hot pockets, and vodka.  she totally has her life in order."

no, not really on that last part, but the rest is pretty much all true.  i have never not felt weird buying hot pockets, and i have never had anyone call me out like i was buying some sort of super fancy green "health juice".

it was super weird.