huh

 so

it turns out that "maybe i should drain out some blood from my arms, and see if that helps" 

is called "suicidal ideation."

i wish i had friends.  or loved ones.  or could love a one, if it came down to it.

i wake up just wanting hugs, and then curl up to have nightmares of being murdered by grabby zombies.

i hate this.  i just want what i see other people having.  someone to share a life with.  someone who doesn't turn into grabby zombies.

dream thing

i'm visiting someone, or travelling, or something?

but it's bedtime, and there are like three other people, but they're all mummified, or in sleep sacks, and they're quietly moaning and stuff.  i have an air mattress instead, and i lie down.

a few minutes later, i start to freak out, and for the first time ever, i'm pretty sure i had a panic attack while sleeping.  in the dream, i sit on the floor, and dig my fingers into the carpet, and just hold on as everything goes dark from tunnel vision.  i'm struggling to get my breathing to calm down, but nothing seems to help.

a tall lady who bound everyone else comes over and sits next to me.  she doesn't touch me, but she just talks to me in a soft voice that she's there, and that i'm safe, and nothing bad is going to happen.  i want to ask her to tie me up too, so that i don't have to make any decisions, but i'm just too scared to do anything but claw at the floor.

then i woke up and hugged a pillow until my heart stopped pounding so hard.

i don't even know

It could only be death incarnate.

She looked at the thing, as her groceries clattered to the ground.  It turned to face her, and all she could do was run.  She dashed to the door, fumbling for her keys.  They slipped from her fingers, jangling as they hit the concrete.  She spun around, watching it approach slowly.

It didn't walk right, her mind tried to make sense of it's slow deliberate steps, picking each foot up higher than necessary, almost a strut.  It towered above her, casting spindly shadows of appendages.  Then it spoke.

"You are frightened," the voices said calmly.  There were dozens of individual tones, some male, some female.  "I.  I have frightened you."  It seemed confused by this.

She curled up into a ball, wishing the thing would kill her quickly, and not drag it out.  She found herself in it's shadow as it stood above her.  There were soft feather like touches on her body as it seemed to be inspecting her.  "I did not intend this," the voices whispered.  "I only desired to see things."

She squeezed as tight as possible and sobbed.  After nearly a minute, she opened her eyes to find herself alone, with her groceries sitting in the grass.

i woke up from a dream this morning.

i was laughing while running a dull knife up and down my arm.  “it can’t do anything!  it's not even sharp!"  i looked down at the blade, and noticed it was weirdly pink.  i then looked at my arm, and saw that it was mauled beyond recognition.  "ha.  gross.  people are probably going to notice that."

then i woke up.

does anyone know about this?

i had a spam message, and when i clicked, it was unlike my usual spam messages.  it's for some story page "peach club".  has anyone heard of it before?  is it actually spam, or is it a proper decent story site?

it's a bit odd that they say stuff like "You write great erotica, and we need great erotica to get this community off the ground."

also stuff like "As I said, it's 100% free to post your work to the site."  i mean, duh.  who would pay to post stuff?

so. remember how i'm still going crazy, but no one i see in real life notices anything?

guess who's getting a promotion at work?

like "we really appreciate everything you've been doing, sammy, so i'm trying to push through a good raise, and you'll have to do all the paperwork and stuff, but since i'm the one who makes the decision, i think you've got a pretty good chance."

so this is the point where i think i just shrug my shoulders, and accept that the entire world is fucking crazy, and i'm just one of the few people who can see the kuroko shuffling shit around.

i don't know.  yesterday i was planning on if i could just eat fried chicken until that killed me.  maybe i should eat a salad tomorrow?