so

not been going very well, has it?

just in case it wasn't 100% clear: if you hate trans people, you can fuck off.  i hate you, i will hate you forever, i hope you explode in a cloud of bees.

if you voted for this fascist idiot, you can also fuck off and explode in bees, etc, etc.

blah, blah, hands waving, you can figure out the rest of the details.

restarted another antidepressant, because the world has been pretty depressant lately.  also started to realize that i've apparently missed a lot of weird interactions just because i'm so incredibly aromantic that it just never occurred to me that someone was being creepy.

still have stories, but getting them out of the brain has always been hard, but it's increasingly hard as i get older.  depression is part of it, but i was depressed in high school, and that was one of my peak outputs.  no you cannot read those.

anyway now i can log in again like it was in the old days, so maybe i'll be more vocal.

oh no, don't say it's true.

please?

i got back from travel.  i'm super tired and exhausted, and just really want to go to sleep.

but then i check my twitter, and i see the news.


i'm going to listen to some more music for a bit, and then go to sleep, and hope that this is all just a nightmare, and i'll awake to happier tidings.

this is going to be a dumb post.

i went to foodland today, because i needed body wash and water.  i didn't buy water, because i forgot that that was on the list entirely.  i checked a bunch of other things that i didn't need to buy, but not water.

this isn't about that.

last time i went to foodland, they had cinnamon raisin breadsticks at the checkout impulse buy section.  along with boxes of cereal for some reason.  i got some, and they were really good, and so they were gone in like a day.

so this time, i track down the cinnamon raisin breadsticks to their home with all the other breads, and specifically get some.  fine, impulse buy section, you got me.  but i assume i've outsmarted it.

today, what's sitting in the impulse buy section?  slabs of cornbread in those plastic cake slice thingies.  who impulse buys cornbread?


so now my tummy is rumbling, and i'm about to eat this slab of cornbread that i cut into more manageable sticks, and i'm kind of worried what the impulse buy section will have next time.

"oh, pop-tarts!"

"i haven't had pop-tarts in a long time.  i'd kind of forgotten about them," said checkout dude.

"yeah.  huh," replied sammy, realizing suddenly that her shopping list was nothing but junk food, vodka, and grocery store sushi.

"did you see they make carmel combos now?  those are a bit weird," he continues, as she tries hard to find something to add to the belt to fix the situation.

"get some reese's cups!" shouts her brain, and she grabs them from the candy rack and puts the package on top of the sushi.

"yeah, i saw those, but yeah...weird," sammy stumbles out as she faces the fact that adding candy doesn't fix the junk food balance on display.

==

this has been a barely fictionalized version of the horror that happened this evening.

dear drunk sammy from last night,

are you doing well?  i hope you're having a great evening.

just wanted to let you know that i received your gift.  "one bite of chocolate cookie, mushed in a ziplock bag, and then rolled over in the night so that it's all melted and crushed" was right where you left it, underneath the pillow.

maybe in the future, you can leave more than a single bite, or, alternatively, just eat the whole cookie and be done with it.  just suggestions for you to mull over.

anyway, i need to get to sleep at some point, so i'll let you get on with being in the past.

love,
right now sammy who kind of wanted to eat that whole cookie herself

This message contains feedback for:

This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

1) how did the cheerleader and naked girl deal with their urine over the twelve hours.
2) how about a further vacuum bag exhibition where sammy is diorothy of the wizard of oz with her dress swirled (from the tornado) and also in the bag is a male whose body is sprayed tan to look like Toto and there is a ring around his genitals and left leg lifted as if urinating into a hollow plastic tree


um, how am i supposed to respond if you don't give me a way to contact you?  so here are the answers:

1) not peeing for 12 hours isn't super hard.  haven't you gone to sleep and slept a really long time?  besides, i checked, and they are only in the bags for like ten hours.  that's two easier.

2) no.  there are many reasons why, but the answer is no.  write your own stories if you have ideas.  that will always be better than trying to make someone else write the story you want to read.  also: isn't toto grey?  that's not a spray-tan-able color, is it?  so so many reasons why "no".

ugh

i'm supposed to be putting together a stupid presentation for work, because i didn't finish it last week.

instead i just spent like two hours reading comics by the guy who did nana to kaoru.  not the actual chapters of that that i haven't read yet ("you're supposed to be working, and you're like 8 chapters behind") so instead i read 25 volumes of other stories.

and the one i was kind of enjoying ends, and they're not together anymore, and now i'm grumpy due to not having a satisfying happy ending.  :(

i know it probably all works out in the end, and the comic ends with them happy and everything's wonderful, and that i have to be patient because someone has to get the japanese version, translate it, stick in the english words instead of the japanese words, and then upload it somewhere so i can read it, and that's not automatic, but i'm still grumpy.

grump.

wow it's super late, how drunk are you, sammy?

not enough?  or not normal drunk?  turns out if i don't take sleepy pills, i don't get sufficiently sleepy.

which means i'm in that weird place between "not drunk enough to be incoherent" and "too panicked to say anything".

"somewhere in that zone"

part of it is that i have a day off tomorrow, because hawaii is great, and we had a king, and he did a bunch of stuff, and so now i get a thursday off.

not friday though.  so back to work for a totally productive day on friday.  hawaii doesn't slide holidays around.


since i'm so wonderful at writing stuff, and totally not waiting a year to write things i've planned out, i'm thinking about doing a new story.

but like, not really porn.

just romance, i guess.  also maybe horror.  i have a weird brain, and nothing can ever be not not wonderful if not also tragic.

the idea would be to actually plan an entire story from start to finish, and then start writing, instead of my random incremental stuff.  i have not done much of that planning at all, so i'll have to put some effort into not being stupid about this.

so, you know, we'll all see how it goes.  maybe i write more, and people read it and like it.

maybe i don't.

i really just wanted the first frame, where elsa is doing a shruggy pose, but google image search only had this, which has words.  and is also a gif, so it's way more positive and empowering than i was hoping for.  mostly just that one shrug, ok?

red panda

little fuzzy bear
i want to give you some hugs
you are just so cute.

"You cannot modify more than 50 entries at once."

oh come on, you stupid thing.  first you're all "In the coming weeks, we'll no longer allow blogs that contain sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video. We'll still allow nudity presented in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts, or  where there are other substantial benefits to the public from not taking  action on the content."

so instead of eating dinner, i'm looking through old posts to find which ones have images and video that aren't ok now, and then setting them to draft so you don't delete everything like you did last time.

but i can't change more than 50 at once?  then why even have an option to see 100 posts at a time, blogger?  why is that a possibility if i can't actually do anything?

i think i have everything set to draft mode now, so hopefully i won't have my second blog deleted.  i also had to take down Mr. Sador's art that i've been using as a title thing.  however, i don't know how to change the title text, so it's hidden in the background color.  crap.

i'm guessing my videos are ok, since they're all youtube embeds.  is youtube legal, blogger?

if anyone sees something that looks like i should probably get rid of it, put a comment on it, and i'll fix it that way.

i can't quite figure out if fiction is now illegal too.  i'm going to assume it's ok, as long as there aren't images.  that's what hte email says.  still, everyone should probably remember my tumblr, just in case this all disappears.  i don't want to switch to there completely, because i really don't like the tumblr editor thingy.


so yeah.  thanks for taking an already shitty monday, and making it even shittier, blogger.
:(

i think i'm sick or getting sick

i've been shivery and either too cold or too hot all day.  my tummy is all grumpy, and i threw up lunch.

i think if i feel like this tomorrow morning, i'm just going to call in sick and go eat soup.  grumble.

i guess then i'd have time to sit down and actually write the next chapter instead of outlining a new one.  like i did for a bit this evening before i got distracted and stopped.

a bunch of sammy thoughts, so feel free to skip this one and wait for new porn

or, even better: you can look at lots of porn if you click to my tumblr.  that's largely where i'm looking at my porn now, because it's like a never ending river of porn that you can wade into, and let the porn wash over and around you.

thought 1: if you're afraid to go to work everyday, you should probably quit.  if you turn that fear into a motivator to use a gun to shoot people just because they don't listen to you, you should go to jail.  if you shoot people who actually are listening to you, you should double go to jail.  most people aren't criminals, so it doesn't make sense to assume they all are.  especially if that assumption is just because they're not the same race as you.  i'm glad i live someplace where the cops don't seem to be awful people most of the time.  it'd be great if they'd learn that homeless people are still people, but at least in those cases they still seem to just harass them into moving.  nobody ends up dead.

thought 2: remember last month when we had a hurricane, and i realized that homeless people are still people, and i could do more to help them than "nothing"?  i saw the newspaper guy over the weekend, and was able to get my window down and give him that $10 i had saved for him.  i'll admit that his hand touched mine when i handed him the money, and i held that hand all weird until i could get home and wash it clean.  i'm admitting that because i do the same thing when the cashier at safeway touches me handing me the receipt, when i have to touch the gas pump, and even when my doctor is like "yay! let's shake hands because that's fun!"  my brain is weird, and i don't like touching people because that makes me uncomfortable.

thought 3: on the doctor subject, i went back to the doctors to see if my knees actually suck, or if they're just grumpy for some reason.  it seems like the answer is "grumpy," with the suggestion that "diet and exercise can help things like this."  thanks for calling me fat, doctor knees.  in any case, i had to do more vampire tests, and they did another liver test since it was junky last time.  switching to tea instead of vodka at bedtime worked, i guess.  i should probably stick with tea to be healthy.  lame.

thought 4: i leave for a vacation tomorrow, so probably nothing much here for the next week.  also probably not much on that tumblr i mentioned once the queue dries up.  so basically no porn from me.  i think i used this before, but if you see news of a plane crash to or from honolulu and i don't ever post again, then i was on that plane and ker-sploded.  sorry i never finished those stories!

:)

random days off are great.

because it's like a free sunday, except instead of going to sleep knowing you have to wake up on a crappy monday, it's an indifferent wednesday.  yay!

story stuff: i looked into stories online, and sent in my test story to see if i could figure out how it works.  it's way more complicated than the other ones, with a lot of extra clicks and what not.  i screwed up the first time, and submitted it as a "continuing" instead of "one part" story.  one cool thing that i'll have to play with is that it looks like i can define a series for "exhibition," and then submit the parts as stories in that series.  that might make it easier to organize things into the right order there.

i'm also mostly done with "food."  i need to decide on the ending i want, and do my proof on that.  if i'm less lazy than usual, it'll be up this evening.  i have one more part in my head, but that's likely to be the end of "exhibition" until i think up new things.  that will give me a chance to try to get more done one "spa treatment," which i've ignored for like four months now.

finally, it looks like bdsmlibrary updated again, although not with the stuff i sent them in august.  the forum says they had "hackers" and "blah blah bullshit i don't care about," but that they're fixing that and trying to get things up and running again.  i'm going to hold off on sending stuff to them until they get a few more regular updates going, i think.

depressing stuff:  it turns out that stopping drinking isn't lots of fun.  the biggest problem is that i've apparently forgotten how to go to sleep.  i drink my tea, i watch my youtube videos, i feel the "ok, it's sleepy time, i guess," and then i curl up and nothing happens.  for like two to three hours.  not a lot of fun.

then, as a double bonus, when i do get to sleep, i have nightmares again.  yay.  nothing more fun than making friends with people, and then watching them all fall to their deaths at the same time.  so that makes it hard to stay asleep when i do get there.  which also is not a lot of fun.

however, other than "sleeping sucks now," this doesn't seem like that hard of a thing to do.  so, maybe sammy isn't really an alcoholic, just a habitual drunk.  yay?  plus, maybe i'll lose weight or something?  whatever.  sorry for getting weird.

again.

still.

blah.

i already have a new chapter almost ready to go.  i want to edit it first, and do my usual fixes to make my first drafts not sound do dumb.  second drafts.  whatever.

it's almost halloween themed, in that it's not at all halloween themed, but i kill somebody in the story.  so.  suspenseful.

lastly, the news email magazine thing that i get in the email told me that the hawaii film festival is coming up, so i clicked on it, and looked around to see what's playing.  um,  "The Torture Club":

Yuzuki Muto has been accepted to the prestigious private girls’ high school, St. Anesty Academy, that she never dreamed of attending. One spring day — with cherry blossoms in full bloom — she attends the entrance ceremony with high hopes and expectations… only soon to find herself getting “escorted” by two students to a basement room used by the school-approved Torture Club, where they practice and master the art of torture. With her hands and feet bound together, Yuzuki is coerced to join the club. Suddenly another Torture Club member appears, Aoi Funaki, a stunningly beautiful upperclassman who Yuzuki fell in love with at first sight on the day of her entrance exam. As Yuzuki’s rigorous training begins, her affections for Aoi grow ever stronger, despite the hard and fast “no romance” rule in the Torture Club.

thanks, japan. i kind of really want to see this, but i also kind of really don't want to see it in a movie theater with a giant bunch of strangers.  especially since it wouldn't be over until like 11pm, and if i remember correctly, dole cannery has a kind of creepy parking garage.  super stranger danger.

hopefully they'll do a dvd release for it, i guess.

i'm unhappy, i'm going to tell you why, and you're going to tell me that it's dumb to be angry at something 142 years old.

i saw a thing about vampires this week, and remembered there was a story "Carmilla" that sounded interesting.  so i read it.

first half of the story: super gay.  this may in fact be the most gay thing i've ever read, and i've read my own stories.  carmilla and laura are totally getting married, and it's wonderful.  sure, you know she's a vampire, because duh, she's obviously a vampire, but whatever.  everybody has something wrong with them.

second half of the story: some other dude comes in and retells the first part of the story from when carmilla totally visited him and his daughter fell in love with her.  but he knows how it works out, and let's just say his daughter didn't make it through all "alive" and stuff.  fine.  it's kind of boring reading the short version of the story we totally just read, though.

third...last part of the story: bing bang boom, the dudes kill carmilla in her grave, and don't tell laura anything, so even though she's the narrator of the whole thing, she let's us know at the end that she had to read this in the official like "vampire police" report.

but it's a massive shame that after building up a great beginning, with a nice style and vague impending doom thing, it ends all "and then we killed her and went out and had tacos to celebrate."  it's just ruined.

plus, there's carmilla's "mom," who's all "i'm super mysterious, but when i return to pick up my daughter in three weeks, you'll totally remember who i am."  but SHE NEVER COMES BACK!  just gone.  you killed carmilla, so now you don't get to know who she is.

and it's stupid.   because my "oh, i bet this is the twist" is so much better than just "LOL< NOPE!"

we get the most introduction to the mom in the other dude's story, and he relates that carmilla is actually related to his dead wife.  so make the mom his stupid dead wife!  she's wearing a mask when they meet at a party, and she's all "we know each other well, and i know all these details about you, blah blah blah."

so, years ago, when his wife died, she didn't really die, she was just killed by carmilla.  she came back, found her descendant, vampire-ized her, and then they went off to run this "babysit my vampire-daughter-who's-really-my-super-great-aunt-or-something" scheme.  then, the reveal when she comes back and uncovers her face and is all, "IN YOUR FACE, LIVING DUDES!" would be so. perfect.

plus, it'd be closer to actual horror than "visiting guests might turn your daughter into a lesbian.  or suck out her life.  one or the other, and since this is 1872, we're kind of scared of both."

socialism with sammy

i've mentioned before that i think the government should give you a family when you grow up, and that they should give you mac and cheese as a food program.

next idea:

cookie bus.

you know how a regular bus comes on schedule, and picks people up at designated bus stops?

cookie bus is similar: regular schedule, designated cookie bus stops.

but you don't get on, you just get cookies.

chocolate chip, oatmeal, peanut butter, snickerdoodles.  all the cookies.  because it's a bus, and you can keep lots of cookies in a bus.

"one of each please!"

cookie bus is the best idea.

dear marcel b,

let's assume you're not just some rando crazy dude.

at which point in my "hi, my name's sammy, i'm a perv, and i live in hawaii.  my parents are of mixed hawaiian and japanese descent, and because my Bachan didn't speak much if any english, i kind of have a passing knowledge of japanese.  mostly things about how delicious her food was.  So So delicious."

anyway, if you thought that meant "totally fluent in...dutch? i guess?" you thought wrong.  i guess i could copy-paste into google and see what you said, but, like... why?

so, then you get this blog post, all to yourself.  where i kind of call you out for being kind of oblivious that not everyone is like you, and you might need to tune things a bit.

and yeah, i know, i'm an american, and we kind of shit all over the world for dumb reasons, so "shut up, bitch, stupid cunt bitch." (first, not anything marcel said for other people, but totally something i've heard before).

let's just everyone admit we're not perfect, right?  let's all just click on that link for Bachan, and listen to that song, and realize how horrible we are in real life to people who probably would be our friends if we'd just let them.  how much we could fix things if we just stopped shutting people out as being different.

ok, fine, i clicked the video so i could link it, and now i'm crying again, and it really has nothing to do with marcel, or anyone.  just a kind of permanent sadness about the world in general, and how much we could all fix shit, if we'd just work together for once in our stupid miserable lives.

and now i'm crying again, and this is totally your fault, marcel.  i could be blissfully un-observant of modern society but now i'm not, and it's because you made me think about things i hate to think about.


i'm going to go cry now, everybody.

thanks for being cool.

except you.  marcel.

<angry face>