why am i crying if i'm not sad?

so i'm not really sad, everything is still generally going ok for me, especially compared to how things were before.

but i was listening to crap on youtube, linked to this, and tears.  like all over tears.  :-/

so about a month ago, my bachan died.  she was really old, and she'd been having strokes for a few years, and even though whenever i visited, she was mostly the same as she'd been when i was little, i could tell that she was super thin, and no matter what, it was clear that sometimes there was a fog that would pass through her mind.  you just have to wait through it, and wait for her to return.

then she had another really bad one, and never woke up again.

it's sad, but in some ways, she'd had a full life, and it can't last forever.  i know she wasn't really happy once her health was in decline, so it's less of a loss and all, and i have a thousand other ways to console myself that death isn't something to be feared or hated.

but still.

anyway, i just wanted to get some thoughts down somewhere, and now i need to go blow my nose.