dear old dude at the checkout lane,

yeah, i saw how you tried to use your papa john's club card as your grocery club card.  that told me you eat shitty pizza made by that jack ass's company.  that told me a lot about you right there.

"you must like that tea.  is it any good?"  wow.  you're like sherlock fucking holmes here.  i'm buying six bottles of tea.  what made you think that i like it?  is it the six of them sitting there, all together, with me buying it?

and no, it's shitty tea.  that's why i buy it.  because if i'm going to drink something, and drink six of them, i'm going to get something that sucks.  because that's super smart.

"yeah" is what i said.  "meh.  i'm trying to drink tea now instead of vodka so i am less likely to wake up in a puddle of bloody vomit someday.  not that i'm super into not dying, just that if you wake up in a puddle of bloody vomit, you're probably going to have to clean it up, and that's going to suck.  so yeah.  i'm buying six bottles of tea now, because that seems healthier to me" is what i meant.

i thought we had some sort of rule that you're not allowed to talk to people in the checkout lane about what they're buying.  so that means if someone's buying a bunch of toilet paper, you don't say something like, "oh, planning on taking a shit today?"  or if someone's buying the stereotypical condoms and long vegetables, they can just look embarrassed quietly without any weird conversations.

i saw what you were buying guy.  there was nothing for that cheese to go with.  were you planning on working on your night cheese, old dude?

"Because only squares eat square pizza, and only fags eat dicks, so your both."

point 1) i've had square pizza, and although it's usually breadier than the triangle-arc style, i never felt weird about it.

point 2) i'm pretty sure girls eat dicks too, otherwise getting a blowjob would be some sort of magic that people wouldn't know about.  "did you know you could come if someone sucks on it?  how does that even happen."

point 3) your.  sigh.  even if this guy is like 12, he should know homophones.  please, everyone, make sure people know about homophones.

also have this, which i just don't even.

important update!

i've decided i'm going to do twitter again.

but only when i want to eat pizza.

so go follow the twitter.

if you're really concerned when someone from the internet thinks about pizza.

i am serious about this.

100% pizza, whatever% of the time.