date follow up

well, i thought it went ok, but then i didn't hear anything from her for a week.  so i sent an email asking what the deal was, and suggesting maybe getting lunch this weekend.  turns out she went playing with someone else last weekend and now is "not looking for a long term relationship right now."

so, that kind of sucks, because i don't really want to play with someone who i don't trust, and i'm not going to trust someone who isn't able to let me know them and feel comfortable.

i guess all i can do is just say, "fuck," and go feel bad about it.  it's a good thing my brain was all manic today, otherwise i think i'd be super depressed right now.

:-/

update a half hour later...

so what if i'm just too paranoid and broken to date someone?  what if i always come off as too weird and crazy, and people all assume they can find someone else without all the baggage?  i mean, i know everyone was all, "i'm your friend, sammy" on my last freak out post, but i really don't have anyone here that i do anything with.  i basically hide at home because it's too scary and painful to go out and try to meet people.  and now, when i push out from that boundary and see if i can find someone, i get pushed back, and rejected.  i just want to have a friend i can go do things with, is that too much to ask for?  i want to be able to talk with someone who doesn't reject me immediately, and who knows that i'm fragile and broken, but doesn't care because they like me.

i don't want to live my life like this anymore, and that's why i feel suicidal all the time, even with the drugs they've prescribed for me.  why can't things just be easy? why do i always feel like i'm fighting with everyone i meet?

ok, i'm going to go cry and watch videos of puppies on youtube until i go to sleep.  thanks for dealing with me, internet people.

update a day later:

we chatted for a bit, and it sounds like we'd really get along great.  but she's maybe moving back to the mainland soonish, and doesn't want to get attached.  which sucks, but isn't a direct rejection of me.  so it hurts some, but it feels a lot better.

also, i probably should not freak out all the time about everything.  stupid broken-ass brain. :-/