or, even better: you can look at lots of porn if you click to my tumblr. that's largely where i'm looking at my porn now, because it's like a never ending river of porn that you can wade into, and let the porn wash over and around you.
thought 1: if you're afraid to go to work everyday, you should probably quit. if you turn that fear into a motivator to use a gun to shoot people just because they don't listen to you, you should go to jail. if you shoot people who actually are listening to you, you should double go to jail. most people aren't criminals, so it doesn't make sense to assume they all are. especially if that assumption is just because they're not the same race as you. i'm glad i live someplace where the cops don't seem to be awful people most of the time. it'd be great if they'd learn that homeless people are still people, but at least in those cases they still seem to just harass them into moving. nobody ends up dead.
thought 2: remember last month when we had a hurricane, and i realized that homeless people are still people, and i could do more to help them than "nothing"? i saw the newspaper guy over the weekend, and was able to get my window down and give him that $10 i had saved for him. i'll admit that his hand touched mine when i handed him the money, and i held that hand all weird until i could get home and wash it clean. i'm admitting that because i do the same thing when the cashier at safeway touches me handing me the receipt, when i have to touch the gas pump, and even when my doctor is like "yay! let's shake hands because that's fun!" my brain is weird, and i don't like touching people because that makes me uncomfortable.
thought 3: on the doctor subject, i went back to the doctors to see if my knees actually suck, or if they're just grumpy for some reason. it seems like the answer is "grumpy," with the suggestion that "diet and exercise can help things like this." thanks for calling me fat, doctor knees. in any case, i had to do more vampire tests, and they did another liver test since it was junky last time. switching to tea instead of vodka at bedtime worked, i guess. i should probably stick with tea to be healthy. lame.
thought 4: i leave for a vacation tomorrow, so probably nothing much here for the next week. also probably not much on that tumblr i mentioned once the queue dries up. so basically no porn from me. i think i used this before, but if you see news of a plane crash to or from honolulu and i don't ever post again, then i was on that plane and ker-sploded. sorry i never finished those stories!
:)
Monday, November 24, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
yay! more impending depression!
i probably should have realized when writing stopped being fun that it was probably a sign of a depression attack. that's not the right word, but whatever. things have been ok-ish all week, and then today it just seemed like nothing was right, and everything was junky, and nothing was good.
i think a large chunk of this is holiday related stuff. i hate the holidays, and i probably always will. stupid consumerism, stupid fake caring about people that get ignored every other stupid day of the year, stupid telling people that you like them for one day, so here's a gift everyone feels obligated to give. grump.
i do like christmas tree smell, and some of the music. my apartment lobby always gets a tree, and i sometimes sit there and smell it for as long as i can before i feel awkward sitting reading junk mail.
but anyway, holidays always make me super aware of my social anxiety, so i'm doing the smart thing, and flying to visit friends for thanskgiving. wait, that's not the right word. in any case, it will hopefully not be too bad, and i'll get to see people that i can mostly deal with in real life.
until i get back, and then maybe even until new years, i'm probably just going to be lazy, and not try to get new stuff written. i'm pretty sure if i tried to force the next part, i'd just end up hating it.
probably not nearly as much as i hate this brain roller coaster, though.
i think a large chunk of this is holiday related stuff. i hate the holidays, and i probably always will. stupid consumerism, stupid fake caring about people that get ignored every other stupid day of the year, stupid telling people that you like them for one day, so here's a gift everyone feels obligated to give. grump.
i do like christmas tree smell, and some of the music. my apartment lobby always gets a tree, and i sometimes sit there and smell it for as long as i can before i feel awkward sitting reading junk mail.
but anyway, holidays always make me super aware of my social anxiety, so i'm doing the smart thing, and flying to visit friends for thanskgiving. wait, that's not the right word. in any case, it will hopefully not be too bad, and i'll get to see people that i can mostly deal with in real life.
until i get back, and then maybe even until new years, i'm probably just going to be lazy, and not try to get new stuff written. i'm pretty sure if i tried to force the next part, i'd just end up hating it.
probably not nearly as much as i hate this brain roller coaster, though.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
this was going to be combined with that museum thing from earlier, but i didn't, so now it's a different thing.
first thing: drinking tea to go to sleep is not the same as drinking vodka. first difference: you don't cough as much drinking tea. second difference: all the teas taste different, even when you restrict yourself to variations of green tea with honey. third difference: i don't get snacky hungry as much at night. fourth difference: i wake up at the time when the sun is like "Hey! Let's be friends!" no, sun. i don't want to be your friend, because it's like ass oclock in the morning. fifth difference: i may be a bit grumpier than before. sixth difference: not drinking for 11 days feels pretty much the same as not drinking for 1 day. or drinking for 11 days. i guess i'm saying this one isn't much of a difference.
second thing: i'm a bit burned out on writing. i've tried to work on three different stories, and i've put together about one sentence total. i think i'm just going to take a break and try again after thanksgiving. one main issue is that i just don't know where i want to go with "exhibition." do i want to do more romantic stuff? do i want to skip that and push back to weird torture-y bondage stuff? can i figure out a way to mush them together and do both? all the other big multipart stories i read seem like they have a plan and an running theme that they're working towards. i just slap my fingers at the keyboard and churn out whatever my brain comes up with that day, without any concern about how to tie it to the future.
third thing: i think if someone sends me two emails in 24 hours, the second of which is "you didn't respond, so i'm going to say the same things again, pointing out how you didn't respond the first time," i'm either going to ignore that person forever, or i'll wait for the inevitable third email and then point out that i thought they were kind of a creeper way back at the first email, but i wanted to be polite and not bring that up. also, if you're that guy, i'm totally talking about you right now.
second thing: i'm a bit burned out on writing. i've tried to work on three different stories, and i've put together about one sentence total. i think i'm just going to take a break and try again after thanksgiving. one main issue is that i just don't know where i want to go with "exhibition." do i want to do more romantic stuff? do i want to skip that and push back to weird torture-y bondage stuff? can i figure out a way to mush them together and do both? all the other big multipart stories i read seem like they have a plan and an running theme that they're working towards. i just slap my fingers at the keyboard and churn out whatever my brain comes up with that day, without any concern about how to tie it to the future.
third thing: i think if someone sends me two emails in 24 hours, the second of which is "you didn't respond, so i'm going to say the same things again, pointing out how you didn't respond the first time," i'm either going to ignore that person forever, or i'll wait for the inevitable third email and then point out that i thought they were kind of a creeper way back at the first email, but i wanted to be polite and not bring that up. also, if you're that guy, i'm totally talking about you right now.
my local museum is cooler than your local museum.
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it looks like it opens this weekend, and runs until mid-march, so i have lots of time to stop by. that also gives me lots of time to spread when i decide to visit out, so i don't have to worry about someone seeing me there and being all, "hey, aren't you sammy from the internet?"
ugh.
so the people who send story feedback and seem interesting never respond.
the ones who are like, "hey, i'm your internet bf now," never stop responding.
and has anyone in the history of ever ever been impressed with "you should google me"? no. the answer is no.
grumble. now i remember why i started drinking.
the ones who are like, "hey, i'm your internet bf now," never stop responding.
and has anyone in the history of ever ever been impressed with "you should google me"? no. the answer is no.
grumble. now i remember why i started drinking.
Friday, November 14, 2014
i hate writing story teasers
i'm trying to get things submitted to stories online, but i have to put together descriptions, and i hate everything i put in there.
"it's a story. i think it's good. i'd tell you more, but that'd ruin the story, i think. it probably has something to do with the word in the title. just saying."
:-/
"it's a story. i think it's good. i'd tell you more, but that'd ruin the story, i think. it probably has something to do with the word in the title. just saying."
:-/
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
The Exhibition: Food
The Exhibition: Food
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-exhibition-food.html
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-exhibition-food.html
random days off are great.
because it's like a free sunday, except instead of going to sleep knowing you have to wake up on a crappy monday, it's an indifferent wednesday. yay!
story stuff: i looked into stories online, and sent in my test story to see if i could figure out how it works. it's way more complicated than the other ones, with a lot of extra clicks and what not. i screwed up the first time, and submitted it as a "continuing" instead of "one part" story. one cool thing that i'll have to play with is that it looks like i can define a series for "exhibition," and then submit the parts as stories in that series. that might make it easier to organize things into the right order there.
i'm also mostly done with "food." i need to decide on the ending i want, and do my proof on that. if i'm less lazy than usual, it'll be up this evening. i have one more part in my head, but that's likely to be the end of "exhibition" until i think up new things. that will give me a chance to try to get more done one "spa treatment," which i've ignored for like four months now.
finally, it looks like bdsmlibrary updated again, although not with the stuff i sent them in august. the forum says they had "hackers" and "blah blah bullshit i don't care about," but that they're fixing that and trying to get things up and running again. i'm going to hold off on sending stuff to them until they get a few more regular updates going, i think.
depressing stuff: it turns out that stopping drinking isn't lots of fun. the biggest problem is that i've apparently forgotten how to go to sleep. i drink my tea, i watch my youtube videos, i feel the "ok, it's sleepy time, i guess," and then i curl up and nothing happens. for like two to three hours. not a lot of fun.
then, as a double bonus, when i do get to sleep, i have nightmares again. yay. nothing more fun than making friends with people, and then watching them all fall to their deaths at the same time. so that makes it hard to stay asleep when i do get there. which also is not a lot of fun.
however, other than "sleeping sucks now," this doesn't seem like that hard of a thing to do. so, maybe sammy isn't really an alcoholic, just a habitual drunk. yay? plus, maybe i'll lose weight or something? whatever. sorry for getting weird.
again.
still.
story stuff: i looked into stories online, and sent in my test story to see if i could figure out how it works. it's way more complicated than the other ones, with a lot of extra clicks and what not. i screwed up the first time, and submitted it as a "continuing" instead of "one part" story. one cool thing that i'll have to play with is that it looks like i can define a series for "exhibition," and then submit the parts as stories in that series. that might make it easier to organize things into the right order there.
i'm also mostly done with "food." i need to decide on the ending i want, and do my proof on that. if i'm less lazy than usual, it'll be up this evening. i have one more part in my head, but that's likely to be the end of "exhibition" until i think up new things. that will give me a chance to try to get more done one "spa treatment," which i've ignored for like four months now.
finally, it looks like bdsmlibrary updated again, although not with the stuff i sent them in august. the forum says they had "hackers" and "blah blah bullshit i don't care about," but that they're fixing that and trying to get things up and running again. i'm going to hold off on sending stuff to them until they get a few more regular updates going, i think.
depressing stuff: it turns out that stopping drinking isn't lots of fun. the biggest problem is that i've apparently forgotten how to go to sleep. i drink my tea, i watch my youtube videos, i feel the "ok, it's sleepy time, i guess," and then i curl up and nothing happens. for like two to three hours. not a lot of fun.
then, as a double bonus, when i do get to sleep, i have nightmares again. yay. nothing more fun than making friends with people, and then watching them all fall to their deaths at the same time. so that makes it hard to stay asleep when i do get there. which also is not a lot of fun.
however, other than "sleeping sucks now," this doesn't seem like that hard of a thing to do. so, maybe sammy isn't really an alcoholic, just a habitual drunk. yay? plus, maybe i'll lose weight or something? whatever. sorry for getting weird.
again.
still.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
so maybe sitting around all day looking at porn isn't the most productive thing
like forever ago, i posted this thing, which is by sumomo dou.
and then today i read all the stuff that's in english, and some of the stuff that isn't.
this is a good one, without as much of the weirder grosser stuff that shows up a lot.
and then today i read all the stuff that's in english, and some of the stuff that isn't.
this is a good one, without as much of the weirder grosser stuff that shows up a lot.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
The Exhibition: Glass
The Exhibition: Glass
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-exhibition-glass.html
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-exhibition-glass.html
well. huh. shit.
so i had a doctor appointment today.
and like always, the doctor was all, "let's steal your blood for funsies!"
and medicine. whatever. doctors are bad vampires.
and then she called me up. "so, your labs are back. did you know you have shitty liver function?"
"no?"
"so...if you drink, maybe don't drink for three weeks, and we'll check it again?"
"yeah...sure...no drinking. sure. ok."
to be honest, my life is basically a never ending cycle of "wake up because your phone told you to stop sleeping", "go to work and struggle against a non-stop avalanche of horrible tasks", "go home, and try to not starve yourself to death, you fucking fattie," and then "drink yourself to sleep while you watch stupid youtube videos."
i slot in "read the porn to masturbate to, and write porn for other people to masturbate to" when i can.
so.
this sucks.
i'm trying to think of things to drink while i watch youtube videos, because i don't think i can just not drink and watch youtube videos. tea? is that a thing? does anyone think that would work?
"oh, sammy! i didn't know your brain was still fucked up and you were still drinking a lot to cover up a lot of anxiety that doesn't often surface when you hide behind double locked doors!"
we all knew. don't pretend, ok?
and like always, the doctor was all, "let's steal your blood for funsies!"
and medicine. whatever. doctors are bad vampires.
and then she called me up. "so, your labs are back. did you know you have shitty liver function?"
"no?"
"so...if you drink, maybe don't drink for three weeks, and we'll check it again?"
"yeah...sure...no drinking. sure. ok."
to be honest, my life is basically a never ending cycle of "wake up because your phone told you to stop sleeping", "go to work and struggle against a non-stop avalanche of horrible tasks", "go home, and try to not starve yourself to death, you fucking fattie," and then "drink yourself to sleep while you watch stupid youtube videos."
i slot in "read the porn to masturbate to, and write porn for other people to masturbate to" when i can.
so.
this sucks.
i'm trying to think of things to drink while i watch youtube videos, because i don't think i can just not drink and watch youtube videos. tea? is that a thing? does anyone think that would work?
"oh, sammy! i didn't know your brain was still fucked up and you were still drinking a lot to cover up a lot of anxiety that doesn't often surface when you hide behind double locked doors!"
we all knew. don't pretend, ok?
Thursday, November 6, 2014
OMG!
they're all named after islands!
i have no clue why this is important, and everyone is reading this and is all "WTF?" but i don't care, because this suddenly hit me.
everyone except one, i think.
they're all islands.
fucking...
how did i not notice that until now?
i'm now more scared that i want to give everyone in a fictional story hugs now.
my brain is grumpy today
just. all the grumps.
i hate these days. i hate when i let external shit fuck with me to the point where i hate everything.
like people with loud cars, or stereos, or mopeds. just this "whump whump whump" or "bzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzt" all evening. i don't know why that's such a hard trigger, but it is. i just hear this angry growl, and want to not hear it anymore.
today was a day i needed to cry. i sat down, readied myself for the crying, and then turned the channel and watched a show about sloths.
did you know they only go down to the ground to poop? imagine being all, "well, the ground is so down there...i'll just keep this poop for tomorrow, i guess." sloths are kind of cool when you learn more about them.
but yeah. i wish i could channel the tears when i want them. i think that would help me fight stress more than i do now.
i just want a good ugly cry. :(
i hate these days. i hate when i let external shit fuck with me to the point where i hate everything.
like people with loud cars, or stereos, or mopeds. just this "whump whump whump" or "bzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzt" all evening. i don't know why that's such a hard trigger, but it is. i just hear this angry growl, and want to not hear it anymore.
today was a day i needed to cry. i sat down, readied myself for the crying, and then turned the channel and watched a show about sloths.
did you know they only go down to the ground to poop? imagine being all, "well, the ground is so down there...i'll just keep this poop for tomorrow, i guess." sloths are kind of cool when you learn more about them.
but yeah. i wish i could channel the tears when i want them. i think that would help me fight stress more than i do now.
i just want a good ugly cry. :(
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
no new story today
i got about a paragraph written after trying all day.
part of it is that i'm just so unhappy that so much of the country is dumb and voted for bully jerks.
hawaii didn't. i think everyone i voted for is winning. so, at least i get to live in one of the few places that doesn't suck.
:(
part of it is that i'm just so unhappy that so much of the country is dumb and voted for bully jerks.
hawaii didn't. i think everyone i voted for is winning. so, at least i get to live in one of the few places that doesn't suck.
:(
hey, everybody!
so i think i'm pretty close to getting "glass" finally finished. the main text is about 80% done, and so i hope i can finish it tomorrow, and then do my re-read/re-write tomorrow evening, and get it out to everyone.
which will be great, because then i can finally submit everything to literotica, and have everyone there tell me how much i suck at writing.
honestly, that's not a big part of things. i suspect anyone who responds on literotica is only doing so because they read the whole thing, and liked it, and all that.
does anyone know what's up with bdsmlibrary? it seems like more people read that (based on my view counts), but it updates like it's drunk and stoned, and possibly serving 5-10 in the state jail. i'm really looking for other places to post if people know of them.
and tomorrow's a vacation day for me, because hawaii is probably cooler than your state. sorry. we're just generally not run by morons.
final note: i really feel my depression acting up again. i spent more of today wishing i could stab myself than usual. i don't know why, i don't understand the reasons, i just know what the feelings are. i'll fight back as much as i can, but i just wanted everyone to know that i might be lame with email for a bit.
sorry. i can tell i careen back and forth between crazy depressed and crazy manic. i think i've dealt with enough that the first isn't so suicidal anymore. i wish the second wasn't so draining that i could do that for a bit without immediately dropping into a puddle that only wants blankets and pillows.
thanks again to everyone who comments for being super cool and being ok with me sometimes just freaking out. i do what i can when i can, and you understanding when i can't post is great. this is why i love each of you in our own special way.
which will be great, because then i can finally submit everything to literotica, and have everyone there tell me how much i suck at writing.
honestly, that's not a big part of things. i suspect anyone who responds on literotica is only doing so because they read the whole thing, and liked it, and all that.
does anyone know what's up with bdsmlibrary? it seems like more people read that (based on my view counts), but it updates like it's drunk and stoned, and possibly serving 5-10 in the state jail. i'm really looking for other places to post if people know of them.
and tomorrow's a vacation day for me, because hawaii is probably cooler than your state. sorry. we're just generally not run by morons.
final note: i really feel my depression acting up again. i spent more of today wishing i could stab myself than usual. i don't know why, i don't understand the reasons, i just know what the feelings are. i'll fight back as much as i can, but i just wanted everyone to know that i might be lame with email for a bit.
sorry. i can tell i careen back and forth between crazy depressed and crazy manic. i think i've dealt with enough that the first isn't so suicidal anymore. i wish the second wasn't so draining that i could do that for a bit without immediately dropping into a puddle that only wants blankets and pillows.
thanks again to everyone who comments for being super cool and being ok with me sometimes just freaking out. i do what i can when i can, and you understanding when i can't post is great. this is why i love each of you in our own special way.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
maybe you disagree, but whatever, it's my blog.
elections are this week. so you should probably go vote.
however, if you're thinking, "yes, sammy, i agree. i'm voting republican!" then, ok, see?
you can go fuck yourself, right? which party has spent years being all "if we let gay people marry, then everyone will get divorces to go get gay married instead of having babies"? i mean, that doesn't even make sense, but that's what they've been saying.
so. hey. if you vote for republicans (at all, in any race, anywhere), then you're dumb, and i don't want to be friends with you. stop reading my blog, and go away forever, ok?
if you are voting for democrats this year, then good news! hawaii makes election day a holiday, so i'll have an extra day to write more stuff! woo! more fun porn for kinky progressives! :)
however, if you're thinking, "yes, sammy, i agree. i'm voting republican!" then, ok, see?
you can go fuck yourself, right? which party has spent years being all "if we let gay people marry, then everyone will get divorces to go get gay married instead of having babies"? i mean, that doesn't even make sense, but that's what they've been saying.
so. hey. if you vote for republicans (at all, in any race, anywhere), then you're dumb, and i don't want to be friends with you. stop reading my blog, and go away forever, ok?
if you are voting for democrats this year, then good news! hawaii makes election day a holiday, so i'll have an extra day to write more stuff! woo! more fun porn for kinky progressives! :)
Saturday, November 1, 2014
question:
do people have to do address typing things to post comments here? i don't, but i own the thing, so maybe i'm special?
do other people have to do that, though?
and i finally have an outline i like for "glass" done. i'm going to try to get it out this weekend, and then submit glass/exercise/hanging to literotica.
then we'll do food. that's chronologically last in the series, and does a big change to things.
i'm concerned i might break things at that point, but we'll see what my brain comes up with. i keep thinking about "ice" as the next story, but other than the title, i'm kind of stuck. "no, ouch." "no, dumb." "no, gross."
what else starts with i?
igloo.
we'll see.
do other people have to do that, though?
and i finally have an outline i like for "glass" done. i'm going to try to get it out this weekend, and then submit glass/exercise/hanging to literotica.
then we'll do food. that's chronologically last in the series, and does a big change to things.
i'm concerned i might break things at that point, but we'll see what my brain comes up with. i keep thinking about "ice" as the next story, but other than the title, i'm kind of stuck. "no, ouch." "no, dumb." "no, gross."
what else starts with i?
igloo.
dear sammy,
this is why we're not friends a lot of the time.
love,
sammy
we'll see.
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