ha ha

so

things are going pretty well.  my new job is better than the old one, my new boss is super cool, my coworkers are cool too, my new apartment is way bigger and way nicer than my old one, things are generally all better.

it's colder.  i don't like the cold so much.

but i'm starting to realize that i'm still super lonely, and starting to think that that's how it'll be forever.  i don't know that there's an easy way to meet people who are into messed up stuff, and i don't know that i could meet someone who isn't.

so i'm kind of in this place that i feel like i should be more depressed than i am.  i suspect the issue is that i'm taking so many drugs now, my brain can't be depressed.  i don't know.

i'm rambling, but it's late, and i need to get up early tomorrow.

i definitely don't like getting up early.

i should just design all clothes

did you know about thumbholes?

i've owned like two hoodies.  ever.  until moving, and now i have like five.

but only a few have thumbholes.  they're like gloves, but where i just tuck in the fingers when they get cold.  and i can be sure my hoodie is wrapped around like a hug on me.

so, if i could design all the clothes:

thumbholes for all long sleeves.

pockets on fucking everything.

i probably should say "and it's all cotton," but to be fair, over the past few years, i've converted to spandex and polyester.  yes, i know i'm wrapped up in plastic like a tray of hamburger, but i like that squeeze, and i like the smoothness.

"what even is this, sammy?"

this is what you get when i drink once a week instead of constantly.

i get a lot of crazy dreams that disturb me.





i have a few story thoughts.  it's weird when your brain is clear to come up with what i did in the past.

can people comment?  if you get a "comment rejected" or "comments not allowed" message, send me an email, and i'll try to sort it out.  i have a vague idea someone did that before, but i can't find it.

ugh

so i moved.

and i know basically nobody here, so it's similar to before i moved, except there i just alienated everyone i knew.

but i thought, "oh, hey, let's try the online dating stuff again, see how that works out."

i filled in all the junk, answered a bunch of questions, and selected the "i'm not an asshole, i'm ok with most people, as long as they're not jerks."

and then looked at the first batch of matches.  #3 on the list, with a 97% match rating: my boss.

i did the totally grown up thing, and deleted my account.  why can't things just be easy?  i guess it's nice to know that i'm not the absolute only one left in the office who doesn't have any kind of family, but still.

ugh.  between this and the constant fact that i have to be afraid of fascists completely destroying the government, i kind of wish i were still crazy.

sanity is over rated

i should know.  i looked over the opposition, took my pills, and looked at what that brought me.

i'm not complaining about my sanity.  it's reassuring to not freak out about minor upsets.  it's good to not see a dead animal and need to take a day off to recuperate.  it's nice to go out in public and not feel so much like an absolute freak.

i mean, i still mumble things to myself, and count on my fingers in a way that can't be reassuring to other people.

but feeling like this.

with what i think is what people know as "normal" in my hands.

it's weird and difficult and challenging.

when you know no one else sees what you see, and know that what makes you panic might  not exist, it's easy to draw away and accept that you're in a fantasy realm.

but when you crash down to the real world, and have to deal with trash, and the leaves you tracked in on your shoes, and "laundry".

shit turns out to be real.



so, a check-in on things:

1. my favorite forum turns out to be moderated by racists, so i guess it's not my favorite anymore?
2. i feel like i should write more, but i've been getting home at like 8pm.  
1. not hating your work means you have less time for porn.
2. this feels like it should be a positive?
3. nice that the country understands useless insanity now.  would have even nicer 24 months ago, but i guess i have to live with the repercussions of anti-democratic fascist jurists being placed by corrupt fascists.
4. or, you know, walls and shakespeare and such. 
1. just a suggestion.

Rachael notes

sorry i spoiled a story that's pretty old.

The Exhibition: Rachael

The Exhibition: Rachael
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-exhibition-rachael.html

hey

so.

started antidepressants again.  this time they seem to be doing a way better job than previously.  it's nice not wanting to kill myself everyday.  it's like a whole new world that's probably what other people live all the time.

so that's nice.

i also applied and was accepted for a new job.  that means i'm going to be moving to the mainland.  which is kind of super stressful and all that, but i don't like my current job, and this is a big opportunity.

i don't think i'm going to be advertising the area code i'm moving to, so don't bother with that.  it's a big change by itself, and i'd prefer not to have to worry about random people stalking me because of my porn account.

that said, i might start writing again.  the antidepressants make masturbating a struggle, but they clear my brain of a lot of the unpleasantness.  i have one story outlined, and a second vaguely sorted, and a third idea that could be clearer, but is better than i've been in a year.

no promises.  the world still sucks, there are still fascists out there that hate me, and people could be kinder but aren't.  we'll see if i feel comfortable with this.

so, hey.  here's a 2017 update before the new year.  wasn't this a shitball of a year?

fucking hope next year is better.

voting notes.

also future stuff.

The Exhibition: Voting

The Exhibition: Voting
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-exhibition-voting.html

ugh

i wonder if other people just get random thoughts like this.

"hey.  it's been a while.  maybe cutting your arm a lot hurts less now?  i bet it'd be fun to lick that blood up before it stains the sheets.  it's like a party!"

pretty much out of nowhere.

thanks, brain.  thanks for being sucky about everything.

thanks for fucking up everything, all the time, every day.  Good fucking job.

it updated

http://www.mangaeden.com/en/en-manga/happy-negative-marriage/17/1/

because i enjoy crying, i guess.

dream thing

i'm visiting someone, or travelling, or something?

but it's bedtime, and there are like three other people, but they're all mummified, or in sleep sacks, and they're quietly moaning and stuff.  i have an air mattress instead, and i lie down.

a few minutes later, i start to freak out, and for the first time ever, i'm pretty sure i had a panic attack while sleeping.  in the dream, i sit on the floor, and dig my fingers into the carpet, and just hold on as everything goes dark from tunnel vision.  i'm struggling to get my breathing to calm down, but nothing seems to help.

a tall lady who bound everyone else comes over and sits next to me.  she doesn't touch me, but she just talks to me in a soft voice that she's there, and that i'm safe, and nothing bad is going to happen.  i want to ask her to tie me up too, so that i don't have to make any decisions, but i'm just too scared to do anything but claw at the floor.

then i woke up and hugged a pillow until my heart stopped pounding so hard.

i mean

i'm thinking seriously about calling my dad and asking if this is a dumb thing to do.

my dad.

"sammy, you've never talked about your dad before!"

exactly.

omg.  wtf am i doing?

i am bad with intimate relationships, and i am equally bad at choosing healthy ways to connect with people.  also jobs.  i'm kind of a fuck up.  sorry!

super early on this, but

i may be moving.  to someplace else.  maybe.  with a different job.  possibly.

so that might make me even worse about posting.  or writing.  or all of this, really.  since.  "new job."

potentially.

just wanted to say something about it, because i'm kind of freaking out a bit at the idea.

and, because i'm wonderful, i outlined a new story i won't write for three years, because i'm awful at completing things.

allegedly.

recycling notes

not much, really

The Exhibition: Recycling

The Exhibition: Recycling
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2016/06/the-exhibition-recycling.html

but touch my tears, with your lips

touch my world, with your fingertips,


...


forever is our today.

who wants to live forever?

Ad infinitum

so that's why i had a chrome new tab thingy about "commoditized"

np

oh, well, i just fucked up my soundtrack.

so, next time, click the "new post" link in a new tab, i guess.

or don't post so much music on the blog, dummy.  i mean, i guess some people are into hard angry metal, but since 90% of the time i don't listen to that, maybe don't tie on that.

but seriously, if i could kill the king of deceit, i'd do it in a moment.  fucking regicide all over this shit.

"sammy, is there a point today, or should i just expect this to disappear tomorrow?"

yes.  probably.  here are the highlights for this long weekend:

1. i have a long weekend.  you probably don't.  you probably didn't get to have to have a king either.  like, in the far off past.  when kings were kool, and not just a singularly embodied tyranny.
2. did i tell that one guy to go fuck himself?  i think so?  if you're that dude, posting all the comments about shit randomly, being all up in my junk, stop it.  just stop.  no.  bad dude.  be better.
3. i am bad at writing.  i'm going to try this weekend.  no promises.  it was much harder before tumblr.  you had to earn your porn, or something.  tumblr is just all "here's the porn for today.  dug deep in the porn mine, so we've got all these enemas.  just enemas for days.  why?"  because everything eventually is commoditized, and porn has hit that tipping point.
4. "wait, so what does that mean for your porn writing?" eventually, you'll find a better porn that more closely aligns to your personal kinks.  in the limit of t->infinity, there will be infinitely many porn writers with the same set of kinks as you have, so you'll be fulfilled at zero cost, due to the glut of appropriate kink.

oh, i'm un-drafting old posts that i don't feel so embarrassed by.

fyi.