question?

i get lots of random social flirting/dating shit.  i was thinking about making a post-thingy (like the new story thing that's permanently over on the left) that's just the most weird/awkward/shitty part of that stuff.

is that bitchy?  like, i'm trying to shame people?

i mean, yes.  i am trying to shame people.  shame them into being at least somewhat creative or like "not a dick" or something.

but is this going too far?  i read a tumblr that does okcupid things, and those are bad, and i get similar bad things.  but is it just rude to do things like that?

so maybe i'll do a week here.  put a comment that says "shitty" or "no, you're cool, sammy."  and based on the like one of you that responds, i'll do that or not.


honestly, a lot of these are just awful.  just.   no.  stop.  no.  go...someplace where people aren't, ok?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

talking to people online!


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i hate it!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

huh. that was weird

The Tales of Gnosis College.

i found an image on motherless, i looked for the author/artist names on google, and found that.  i was not expecting porn on internet archive.  i guess the guy put it there?

i'm not even going to try to explain what's going on.  it's not really "good," but it's definitely "interesting."

read volume 2 if you want a quick look.  it's really the most porn-y of them all, with a minimum of the weird crazy backstory stuff that doesn't really work for me.  and definitely stick through it to chapter 5 towards the end for the story that made me read the other parts that come after (they're not as good).

i'm going to tag things i saw, and you'll just have to accept that i don't have tags for all the weird stuff.

Spa Treatment: Part 1

this is part one of like five, i think.  it's all outlined, but this is the only one with words so far.  i'll probably wait to submit it to story sites until it's done, but plan to do the individual chapters here for people who read stuff here.

this isn't related to the exhibition series at all, sorry.

Spa Treatment

i am bad at things

talking to people, responding to emails, accepting people who think i'm not utter shit.

sorry about that.

i'm going to try to get through all my emails and comments i haven't responded to yet.  if you don't get a response and think you should have, mail me again and i'll try to do so.  i really wasn't expecting "exhibition" to take off so much that people would be writing me nice email about how much they liked it.  i like you!  thanks!

but there are so so many of you, and when i have to chat, i tend to listen to the voice in my head who says, "hey!  let's hide under the blanket forever!  no one can find you there! yay!"

that voice is a jerk, and i know that, but that blanket is pretty sweet, right?

anyway, just a note from me about how i want to chat, but can't chat due to reasons, so i'm sorry i'm bad at things.

not dead

although i was jammed up in a plane for like a thousand hours today.  and then i fell asleep for another thousand.  because travel sucks.

also, it turns out the east coast is super hot and humid and they don't have trades.  basically: summer there sucks.

so....how are things going with you?  i'm kind of ok, i guess.  my boss is off on vacation for a week, and a lot of other people at work went with "fuck it, i'm touring the country" too.  probably will be a lazy week at work for me.

i need to get a story guide posted soon, because i saw that there were a bunch of comments about stories.  "exhibition" is done, everyone.  at least as far as i can tell right now.  "spa treatment" is next, but it's going slowly for some reason.

anyway, just a "my plane didn't crash" thing.

me. in social situations. or like, the fucking safeway. all the time, basically.

huh. that's a new one.

Dissociation.

i'm kind of thinking i had an episode or something like that today.  i was talking online with my friend from across the country, and suddenly thought of telling her about this other friend who was saying absolute nonsense.

and i sat there thinking about it, and when i couldn't come up with the other name to bring up, i realized that i was kind of out of it.

and then i realized that i'd somehow split her into two people in my head, and that i was about to tell her about the crazy shit she'd just done.

this doesn't seem like the best thing to have happen.  hopefully work will stop punching me in the tummy every damn day soon, and i'll be able to go try therapy again.

but first, i get to fly across the ocean, and then the rest of the country next week for a big work conference thing that i don't really want to go to, but my boss didn't give me a choice.

so if there's a plane crash in the news, and i suddenly stop posting forever, then i'm dead now, because i had to go to this conference i didn't even want to go to, but it's too bad, because it killed me.

dead.

but, hey!  good news!

work finally stopped punching me in the tummy.  every damn day.

:-/

hard limits

things i will never ever be into:

1. bugs.  no bugs.  ever.  ick.
2. eyes.  don't touch eyes.  do you wear contacts?  no.  stop.  wrong.  ick.  you put them on your eyes.  you see from there.  and you put something on it.  whoa.
3. finger nails.  all nails really.  don't try to put things under them, or whatever.  never do that.  that's just wrong too.  gah.
4. teeth.  i have teeth, they're not great, but they're mine.  i use them for chewing on stuff.  why would anyone want to read about teeth and horrible things done to them?  no.  stop it.  chomp!

sorry, just a "my brain has to put this out there now" kind of thing.  these are just forever nos. 

i know i like lots of fucked up shit that no one else likes, but there's some stuff that's just an instant turn off.  like brick wall kind of turn off.

does anyone else?

get this super panic feeling that just shows up for no reason, and you just have to coast through it, because you can't just get xanax to have forever unless you agree to sit down and do therapy again?

like

everything gets all tunnel vision, and you have the shaky arm stuff, and you just sit and stare blankly, hoping that your heart will just stop and kill you before you have to deal with people who will totally notice how off you are?

and then people show up, and start talking, and you turn your brilliant gaze at them, and they look like they're in this oval frame of shining light, but you have to strain to hear them, because you have those bees in your ears?

and then they go away, and you sit for an hour trying to remember what you said, and trying to figure out if your arm was really shaking as much as you think it was, because if it was, there's really no way anyone who isn't blind could have missed that shit, right?

and then you look at your work computer, and realize you have so much to do before the deadline, but you can't get that into you head, especially with this shining frame and difficulty getting the mouse to stay still.


sorry.

just

so much panic being pushed into my tiny brain.  i really wish i had more xanax.  is that me being a druggie?

do i even care at this point?

:-/

i stumbled across this author

and read the "Sow Primer" series, and i will probably have to go read some more of his stuff.

do other people

have this thing, where they google something, and then realize that wasn't what they intended to google, but it's too late now, you've learned about (like) ancient greece, and now you can't remember what you were going to google at all?

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The Exhibition: Breakfast

i don't know that i'm going to continue much more.  i just had to put a finish on things.

i did this as kind of stream-of-consciousness, which i usually don't do.  i like outlines, and detailed plot flows.  however, this has been kicking around my head for a few weeks, and that kind of smooths out the rough bits too.  and, since i'm trying to write a new story series (six parts or so?), i just wanted to get this out and done.

it's an epilogue.  or a segue.  we'll see how it goes.

it's boring, and not sexy, and not really super kinky.  it's words mostly.  and eggs and bacon.  it's breakfast.  but i had to get it out.

Breakfast.

in which sammy learns about other people who were probably lesbians, or at least bi, and i've known their work for like fucking forever.

Dusty Springfield.

i never knew who did that song, and then it popped up randomly, and i looked at it, and huh.

or that one.

or, that other one, but i guess dianne warwick did it first?  whatever.  that's not what i remember from listening in my grandparents' car.

this is apparently my life now.


freaking out about random shit from like sixty years ago, while i stay up later than i should before that stupid telecon with the east coast?

wah.

so yeah

i just tested

and if i send email from me, i totally get it on the other end, despite my email telling me it failed.

so, if i sent you like 99 messages, super sorry.

if i sent you zero messages, i'll try to get on that tomorrow.  i'm just too tired to bother with it right now.

stupid mail.

my email is all broken

i can get and read email (i think), but i can't send anything, or at least i don't see that i've sent things correctly.

which sucks, because i have like four emails i need to respond to, and i can't, and it sucks, and poop.

double poop.

holy shit

did you know they have pillow cases with pockets for the pillow?  like, you put the pillow in, then you pull the pocket over, and the pillow stays in the case because of the pocket.

i just discovered my new sheets did that.  that's brilliant.   why isn't this on all pillows?  i hate waking up with my face on just pillow.  this like locks them in.


anyway.

new story idea (because of something someone said), so i'm plotting it out.  i'm thinking of doing a super short update to "exhibition," and so maybe that'll get a sequel at some point?

work sucks, life sucks, feeling slightly less crazy than usual.  go me.

just.

pillow case pockets.

wonderful.

"your blog"

i've had a number of emails recently that were all "your blog."  is this the default?  really?


so, if people read this and care:

can you change it to like:  "your blog,  but we're totally cool, don't freak out."

because i do all the time, ok?

so

 be polite!

i liked this story

Andrea and the Changing Friendship.

i didn't read the earlier two parts, so i'll need to go back and do that.

it's a good story.

i want to brag about people i know who are artists.

first, Mr Veterinarian. he's totally on some kind of hiatus now, but i'm sure he'll be back one day to post even more cooler pictures than he's already done.  and that reminds me, i owe him a story at some point.

second, Mr Sador.  he's been super cool with me stealing his wonderful image for my header, and although he's kind of often too harsh for me (i like arms!), he's really a great guy.

Mr Christopher, who mostly doesn't do art anymore, but makes beautiful leather to put on people to make them into art.  i dare you to read his blog and not wish he'd make something, and put it on you so you can't escape.

Mr Hazy Cosmic Joe, who i know told me his real name on email, but i can't remember it now, so i'm going with the deviant art thing, and yes, i get that this is a really shitty "i know this person, but i needed one more, and we've done email before, so it's nearly like we're friends, just be cool about it, ok?"   this was seriously one of my very first experiences with bondage stuff, and if you like crazy sammy today, it's probably because of this stuff.

dear italy,

i didn't forget my login to my blog.

so you're just trying to steal it from me somehow.  because you're a jerk, i guess.  stop being a jerk, you jerk.

i'm just doing my thing here, and not being mean to anyone, and you're all "let's try and steal sammy's blog.  because we're bored, maybe."


stop it, don't do that, go get a real hobby.  pet some cats or something.


fucking jerks.

first point:

i should avoid powerful narcotics, because they make me be all fucking crazy and shit.  i'm less sick now, and whoa.  thanks for helping me be fucking crazy, drugs.  omg.  those drugs.

omg.

i guess vicodin is a good anti-cough thing?  but i took it and everything was like...well...awesome.  imagine the world as a firework that makes you look at it like it's gold.  that is what vicodin cough syrup is like.  and yes.  my life is awful.  and i wish i had a prescription for it forever.  because the real world sucks, all right?


fuck you, the real world.

anyway, I'll ignore you from here, so good luck all!

because watch it, ok?

i liked it.  maybe you like it too.  it's cute.  are you cute?  be cute and watch it, ok?

this should have been a full post

so i guess literotica published this one, and my first comment was:

'Pointless drivel. The reader was tortured more than the "pet"'

i really hope literotica keeps that one. i want everyone to be able to read that, and see what kind of jerk this "anonymous" is. i mean, what kind of name is that, anyway?

really, i wish i knew who that was so i could fuck with them. send them pictures of my arm bleeding all over. "i did this because i know what a joke the universe is. do you think your anger at me makes any difference in the cosmic nothingness we'll all return to?"

today was a good day, because i'm totally sick, and that means i can stay home from work tomorrow and watch tv in my pjs on the couch. and eat pizza. i am as close to invincible tonight as can exist in this world.

also, i've taken a powerful narcotic anti-cough medicine. i may also be invincible because i'm Isis, mother of Horus.

that's...you type it out, and it suddenly seems less likely. so, probably just the drugs now.

this should have been a full post.

hey, whoa? i'm not coughing anymore!

cool!

The Exhibition: The Candle

i finally was able to get this all edited and sufficient that i'm calling it done.

sorry it took so long.

socialism with sammy

i've mentioned before that i think the government should give you a family when you grow up, and that they should give you mac and cheese as a food program.

next idea:

cookie bus.

you know how a regular bus comes on schedule, and picks people up at designated bus stops?

cookie bus is similar: regular schedule, designated cookie bus stops.

but you don't get on, you just get cookies.

chocolate chip, oatmeal, peanut butter, snickerdoodles.  all the cookies.  because it's a bus, and you can keep lots of cookies in a bus.

"one of each please!"

cookie bus is the best idea.

i live in a tiny world of the internet

but, i assume everyone knows Mrs. KC, and all her stuff, and all her pictures?

maybe not?  she had a webpage years ago, and i would go there every friday or so, and check out what had been posted new, and download and horde the pics.

but probably some sort of dickery, and she shut everything down, and it was sad,  but i'd saved a bunch, so i could perv out whenever i wanted "english lady who does leather and stuff, but like all the way, right?"

and then she came back on tumblr, but now maybe she's going away again?

i'm not telling people what to do, but if you have a tumblr, go look at her stuff, and if you like it, do the...like-it? stuff? (i am still bad at knowing how to tumbl.)  it's good stuff.  i like it.  maybe you will too?

anyway, this is just a random "sammy drank too much, and doesn't have much to say, but kind of wants to push that last rant down a bit" kind of post.

oh, that pixiv thing!

also, one late night reminder

no matter what, no matter who we get around us at the end.

we all die alone.  no one else can go down that path with us.

in the end, we'll brave that path untraveled, and no-one will ever be able to help.  and when they reach that path, no one will help them.



this is just how reality is, so it's not worth getting upset over, but...it's worth keeping in mind for that time, right?

dear marcel b,

let's assume you're not just some rando crazy dude.

at which point in my "hi, my name's sammy, i'm a perv, and i live in hawaii.  my parents are of mixed hawaiian and japanese descent, and because my Bachan didn't speak much if any english, i kind of have a passing knowledge of japanese.  mostly things about how delicious her food was.  So So delicious."

anyway, if you thought that meant "totally fluent in...dutch? i guess?" you thought wrong.  i guess i could copy-paste into google and see what you said, but, like... why?

so, then you get this blog post, all to yourself.  where i kind of call you out for being kind of oblivious that not everyone is like you, and you might need to tune things a bit.

and yeah, i know, i'm an american, and we kind of shit all over the world for dumb reasons, so "shut up, bitch, stupid cunt bitch." (first, not anything marcel said for other people, but totally something i've heard before).

let's just everyone admit we're not perfect, right?  let's all just click on that link for Bachan, and listen to that song, and realize how horrible we are in real life to people who probably would be our friends if we'd just let them.  how much we could fix things if we just stopped shutting people out as being different.

ok, fine, i clicked the video so i could link it, and now i'm crying again, and it really has nothing to do with marcel, or anyone.  just a kind of permanent sadness about the world in general, and how much we could all fix shit, if we'd just work together for once in our stupid miserable lives.

and now i'm crying again, and this is totally your fault, marcel.  i could be blissfully un-observant of modern society but now i'm not, and it's because you made me think about things i hate to think about.


i'm going to go cry now, everybody.

thanks for being cool.

except you.  marcel.

<angry face>

new idea

everybody gets mac and cheese.

like, we get the government together, and set up mac-and-cheeseries everywhere across the country.

it's totally free.   you want mac and cheese?  free mac and cheese for you.

and it's good stuff, with like proper cheese, not some shitty powdered stuff.

maybe there's free chicken to go with it.  whatever.  protein is good.

but like, this is a new food program to ensure no one is ever hungry.

and that no one is ever without delicious mac and cheese to eat.  whenever they want.

like right now.

i really want some mac and cheese.

:(

stuff

i saw this news story today, and was kind of surprised.  i was like "holy crap!  i've seen her in something, like an insex video or something!  i remember her crying!"  if that article is right, it sounds like she should win her lawsuit, because that doesn't sound at all cool.  also, it's a shame to hear that she was abused.  it seems like that's a lead in to weird stuff for a lot of people.


then i went and tried to find out where i remembered her, but didn't find anything, but i did find this series which i really liked (the gallery is sorted wrong, so you have to read backwards).  strapped into a big steel frame thingy fully clothed, given an enema (piss enema?), forced to release into her clothes, then strip down and clean it up with her filthy clothes, rinsed off, second enema (i really thought she would end up bathing in the tub she released in), really cool bolted collar and frame chair, boring spanking stuff (sure, ok, it's insex, they do more pain that i really like), then the girl who's been locked in the cage in the background the whole time is hogtied, suspended, and forced onto the first girl's face, so she has to eat her out.  really nice theme, although they could have skipped the spanking and doubled on the filth.

i'm also doing a sequel to the last story, mostly because i had the main idea, and then this secondary theme popped into my head, and it was just too good to not do.  i'd probably have more written by now, but the stupid winds have been from the wrong way all weekend and week, and so it's muggy and unpleasant in my apartment, so writing stuff just gets sticky and not fun.  anyway, just a note.  there might be another after that, because this other idea is kind of cool too, but it won't fit into this one, so it has to go somewhere.

so yeah.

stuff.

i thought this was a good story

Rolling in to Trouble
by Druid5

it's a bit scattered, and maybe could have had some more development on things, but as a series of scenes and scenarios, it's pretty good.

yes, i know, "don't do that", "it's not worth it"

but seriously, i just got a big push, and you have no idea how freeing a good cutting can feel.  you get the pain, and then you can feel the blood rush out, and there's an adrenaline shock that makes it all go away.

until tomorrow, where you're left with that wide gash on your arm, so you try that sweater and the appropriate skirt.

but then people are like, that doesn't match, right?

and it doesn't, but since when have you been noticing my fashion decisions?

and then it totally gets around. "i think sammy's cutting again" and now all the fun is drained out of it

because it's not me rebelling against things now.  it's just me satisfying my co-workers depressive fantasies about me.

which isn't fair.

i should be allowed to be cruel to myself without this scrutiny.  you jerks.

side note: thanks, you jerks, for being the safety net on this.  i'm not kidding about how much i wanted to cut, but you diverted me away.  thanks a super lot.

i was going to post this earlier

i woke up this morning, because i felt something tap on my bed.

"oh, it's little kimchi, my friend's dog"

"wait, no, i'm not on the mainland, i'm at home! who's fucking on my bed!?"

then i felt a spoony-cuddle like my last..um...girlfriend, we'll call her... did.

"HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE, BITCH!"

then my eyes opened, but they didn't open correctly, so my left eye saw my blanket and sheets, and the right was wonky looking up at the wall.

this was when i realized i was having some sort of sleep paralysis thing.

turns out, that isn't super reassuring.  "ok, don't panic, it's all fine.  you just can't move, and you're kind of have to deal with whatever hallucinations your brain can come up with.  but, just keep in mind:  it's all totally fake and not real."

so that's how i woke up this morning, and peed the bed a bit, and then had to change sheets and go back to  bed for another two hours because who wakes up at 5 am?

and really, the panic between "cute puppy!" and "OMG THAT BITCH IS IN YOUR ROOM!" is something i'd like to not deal with again, brain, thanks.

whoaa

have you ever hd a dream, where you wake up, and push everything away, and sit pushed against the wall while your heart stomps in your chest for like forever?

ok, it was only like five minutes maybe

but holy what the fuck?

ok

i'm pretty sure it's time to go puke, because i feel sick right now.

but

i'll come back and sort out details


waking up unhappy and weird is usual

waking up panicked and crying is a totally new thing.

so, what i remember is standing on magic island (it's not in waikiki, but it's close to it.  it's across from the mall).

and there were a few other people:  my best friend (who hasn't talked to me in a couple weeks), someone from the internet (who i kind of only vaguely know enough to picture), and my boss.

but like, the ocean was gone, and just fire and sand.

and no matter what you think of hawaii, it's pretty clear when the world is fucked, right?

so we're all standing there, and bits fall off, and everyone else dies, and i'm left standing there alone on a fragment of sidewalk jutting over the edge of the (not) ocean.  i turn around, and see the rest of the island in various states of "fire" and "blowing up because of fire".

that part of me i know that's still there.  that lives there deep inside, and shouts whenever i get sad, and makes me feel more sad when i hear it shout back?  i heard her again.

"fuck this shit, let's do it."

then i jumped out, over the "i'm pretty sure magic island isn't that deep there" not-ocean.



and there's a smile on face, but



i wake to all this adrenaline making me think i'm going to explode.

ok

i'm pretty sure it's time to go puke, because i feel sick right now.

but

i'll come back and sort out details

you know what's not super fun?

having your brain shout "oh, hey! you know what's fun?  let's take a knife, and slice random parts of our body! 

"we could do arms, or, like, you wear pants to work, right?  so legs then... 

"that tummy is kind of chunky, maybe give it a pass or two!  wheee! fun!"

thanks, brain.  you're a jerk and a jackass.  thanks for shouting that at me while i'm trying to go to sleep.

i mean, seriously.  go fuck yourself.

sigh.

so this is me talking about it instead of doing it.  because i have enough scars, i think.

don't bother commenting or stuff, this is a post for me, not for you.  also: i just learned how to turn off comments for a post.  so.  :-P

so, you should probably follow on the tumblr

because i reblogged like a bajillion things today that you'll probably appreciate, and get off on, and all that.

since, i guess we all just reblog shit on tumblr now.

and, because of that, i've decided that i'm not going to be super sorry that i post weird brain freak out shit here.  it'll be weird brain freak outs and my own fiction.  and i'll try to get the fiction someplace else too, so if you just want sammy's long stuff, you can go to literotica.  or, if you just want to never read anything ever, you'll go to bdsmlibrary.

because they suck at posting things (is the joke).

so yeah.  that's the new situation as of now.  i can boop some new porns for people to see, and then i can rant here about being treated like shit by fucking stranger jackasses who can't be bothered to fucking act like you would if you found a kitten.

i mean seriously.  what the fuck, dude?  i respond and you immediately call me a whore?  was i just someone for you to shout at because you don't like the rest of your life?  at least warn me that i'm suddenly responsible for your unhappy situation so i can figure that shit-fuckery out.

hey

i'm chatting at you.

why aren't you sending me pictures?

you should be cooler, because you like scat.

are those pics coming?

shut up, i'm telling you how cool i am.  i'm super cool.

now you're being a bitch by telling me how much i'm not being nice.  why are you such a fucking bitch?

my dick is huge.  you'd choke on it all night long.

where are those pics?

why do you think you can chat at me?  shut up you stupid cunt!  bitches like you should be raped to sleep!

this bunny

omg

"it means a lot to her"

i wish i could have pets, so i could have a bunny.

omg.

bunnies.

porn tomorrow maybe.  today?  me just freaking out over this super cute bunny being cute all over the place.

pa-too.

dealss with it.

i really really wish

you could have someone

maybe they're assigned to you

so you could flail around like usual

but if you get to be
like
um

thirty-ish

you just get told

"nope, you're part of this family now"

and then you'd probably be their bitch, right?  this cunt assigned to you to take care of?  not  a lot of love there.

but, you get this person.

and that person gets to be owned, and hopefully loved,

such that they don't have to cry themselves to sleep every night, and wish they could fight this social anxiety demon that is always poking their eyes.

a locked cage is better than a comfy bed, right?  as long as you know in the morning someone who loves you will let you out.  i live with the triumph of a comfy bed.  knowing i'll wake up to despair and sorrow.

sorry for the lameness tonight.  just.  i hate life, and being lonely, and sucking at dealing with people.  not your problem, i know, but if i don't share, then this all builds up inside.  follow the tumblr.  it's all me reblogging pics and stuff.  so.  that's there if you just want porn.  i'm trying to come up with a new porn story, but my brain can't get anything organized.  yes, sure, there's that candle one.  but it's kind of shitty, so i'm hoping for another one.

anyway

have a good sunday, ok?

love sammy

frozen

i mean...amazon is sending me the blue ray and the dvd in the mail right now.

but it's still playing at my theater?

i really want to go, with my own copy, and sit through it again in the theater.

sorry, this is just me ranting about how i want to throw money at something because it tickled me in the way i wanted.

but seriously, if you haven't seen it, go go see it.

so here's where you just resign yourself to accepting what i'm going to post, because it's best for everyone, ok?

really, i don't like miley that much, but. .... just give it a try?

basically

i wanted a way to say "here are things i do, so you know, ok?"

that's why i added the new box.  it's not really a marketing thing.  people who do advertising suck.  (unless you do advertising, then you're totally an integral part of the economic system, ok?)

but yeah, i don't ever want to do ads, because marketing sucks.

;)

The Exhibition: Part 4

Finally.  I hope you like this final chapter.

something different

so i took an ambien, and that kind of just mellows me out instead of proper driving me to sleep.

so i wrote a story for an idea that just popped into my head.

It's called "murdrer" because i was sloppy when i typed it.  it starts out in my pre-writing points, but then it degenerated into mostly dialogue, and by the end it was basically all regular.  it's not about kinky stuff, it's about murder.  think of like a sherlock holmes/downton abbey setting.  all that stuff.

and it's ok if you don't like it/think it's confusing/don't care about it.  Totally fine.  i wrote it to get the idea out of my head, and i felt like sharing, but didn't feel like doing the rewrites and replans that i usually try to do.

anyway

murdrer

fancy club
side of the bar, group talking about forming a murder club. hunt down riff raff in the alleys.  easy as pie.  joking around

professor character overhears, sits down among them.  "overheard you last week, chums.  seems like you're getting into a messy business, I'd say."

"So what?" gets defensive, professor is calming and settles them down.

"Just a bit of advice.  With the right planning and insight, you can see a scenario where just the tiniest puff of breath can power your mechanations to their unstoppable end.  Mechanations that play out invisibly to all, providing no clues as to what that grim end will be.

take for instance a point at that ball you threw last Saturday.  I was browsing your very excellent display of Indian jewelry when one tiara caught my eye.  I mentioned it to your wife, and pointed out that one of the stones, the...ruby on the left edge if I'm not mistaken, seemed to have slight occlusion I'd not noticed in the past.  I mention it to your wife, and suggested that she take it to her jeweler, and have him take a look.

the next day a had a cable from her telling me that the entire item was fake.  Someone had planted a amazing forgery that was absolutely worthless.  My reply back was fairly simple, just a note about how the full piece wasn't worth that substantial of your fortune, but would easily fund a small apartment or something in one of the lower parts of town for a year or so.  Perhaps this forgery was chosen to silently pay for something outside of the accounting?

I went along on my day, assured that I had given all the advice that I felt I could.  And now gentlemen, I suggest we finish our drinks now, before the constabulary arrive to arrest young Mr. Billiam.  

"Arrest?"

Five to one odds on it, if you'd be willing to take it.  If your wife were dumber, I'd have let those odds drop, but I think I know her well enough.

Well enough for what?

Well, someone replaced that tiara and had a wonderful facsimile produced to hide the theft.  That discounts the servants, who would simply have taken it and run off.  So someone of our status then.  You're a reasonably upright man, and so you probably don't invite thieves to your parties, and in any case, none of those boys would filch something so small.  This makes the under-board accounting theory best, making you the prime culprit.

Next, if you did do that, it would easily cover the costs of a, let-us-say "young female companion" in a decent if discrete manner.  That could lead to scandal, and certainly your wife would take it hardest.  Faced with these conclusions, it'd be quite likely that she'd rather end it permanently, rather than cope with what the papers would say about her day after day.

Poison would be the most likely, I suspect.  Someplace out-of-the-way so she's not disturbed, the music room, perhaps?  Then, a servant walks in, sees the results of the deed, and raises all the house.  The authorities are there in a flash, and a full search of the house is taken to look for evidence.  I'm sure that that hall closet by the rear door that the staff always insists needs to be kept locked will be burst open as well.

I have far less faith in your intelligence that I did in your wife, Sir.  You've

 been describing this hypothetical club for a few weeks, but your details changed last week.  More precise, if you will.  Yes, far less intelligent, but the thrill got to you, didn't it?  Are they ears?  Fingers?  The papers don't put much detail in the murder of the poor, but even the worst detective will be able to identify your totems in that closet.  The servants will sell you out as well, repeating your own words that "no one opens that cabinet" and "Mr. Billiam has the only key."

So, checking my watch puts us at 4:35, and me with an empty drink.  I would call for another, but I suspect those footfalls on the stairway suggest that 5:1 was the correct odds for this wager.

Billiam looked over with a face full of crushing defeat.  "Why?"

"Because you thought that your murder game was fun and flawless.  You imagined yourself some new Ripper, terrorizing the city for years.  In reality, you chose a game that although it can be played in an alley with a knife, it can be played far more effective with two simple sentences.

"Before they take you off for trial and speedy execution, as I suspect this will be my final meeting with you on this earth, I do want to inform you that that tiara was a fake when it was sold to you.  I've known since I met you that you were a fool, and seeing that tiara on my first visit to one of your parties solidified that fact.

listen to this now, ok?

i saw the man who fell to earth a few years ago in the theater, "because i've heard of this guy before."

i'm still pretty sure that i'm a lesbian, because when i get turned on, it's about that kind of stuff, right?

but seeing David Bowie doing stuff?  and even recent stuff, where's he's old and whatever?  yes.  please.

sorry, was just listening to stuff, and this popped up, and i just had to share.

so hey

i've been down lately

like way down.  i'm hoping it's just job stress.  my boss has been all "do this stuff! i know it's impossible, and you probably should be like five people, but you can do it all by yourself, because you're smart, so it needs to be done like, tuesday"

but like, no?  ok?  you want me to do something that's super hard to figure out, and you don't let me have any help, and i have to do it on a deadline so you can look good to your boss?  man, fuck you.

except i can't say that, because duh.  jobs.  fucking jobs.

anyway, a few weeks ago, somebody on (i think) motherless chat sent me this video.  it's been kind of cool to listen to, because it's kind of relaxing and all that.  i think the dude was trying to make a "stray"/"puppygirl" pun, because he was kind of all "did you catch that?"  yes, dude.  i caught that.  you're like 20% clever.

so, kind of a creeper, but pretty decent taste in relaxing music.





in any case...i'm concerned i need to go back to the therapist again.  there's a lot of brain stuff i can't really cope with most days.  kind of a constant drum of "no one will ever really love you, so if that's not happening, why bother dealing with 50 years of loneliness?"  thanks, brain.  i feed you yummy pizza, and you're all "let's be a dick to sammy, just for funsies."

so, you know.  hey.  i don't want to spawn a lot of "we love you, sammy," comments.  i know you're all cool like that.  and i know this is just how things sometimes go.  it's all hard sometimes, for everbody.  it's just...today was hard.  this week has been hard.  this month?  guess what?  hard.

sigh.

so i'll dry my eyes now, i guess.  tomorrow is a new day.  we'll see how it goes.

saying stuff

so today i went to go see frozen again.  it's still totally wonderful, and you should still go see it.  again.  this was time number two, plus maybe another one if you count all the downloaded stuff.

and yesterday, i did go see "the wind rises," which isn't as good, i think, but is so beautiful and wonderful, and sad there towards the end, but it ends kind of, more even so sadly?

it's good, though, so maybe go try to see it. it's good, and if you don't like it, email me your address, and how much you paid, and i'll send you that money back by mail.  really.  just go try it, and see if you don't love the love, and the ambition, and the everything.

but, if you haven't, go see frozen first.  because elsa is totally cute.

like

she's now how cute is defined. sorry.  Deal with it.

movies?

i was going to go see the new miyazaki movie tomorrow, because he makes cool cartoons, right?  and it's finally opening at my local theater.

but then i saw that they're still showing frozen, and that movie was so super cool.

i kind of want to see that too, and do a double cartoon movie day of it all.

this has nothing to do with anything, it's just that sometimes i need to say stuff, and this is my best say stuff place, i guess.

i need to share

i just went out to my lanai to look at the stars and be all "girl who goes to look out at the city and stars instead of just going to sleep."

i'm pretty sure i just saw a girl in the building next door put on a sheet like a cape or some wings, or maybe she's a ghost now? and then fuck her husband/bf/random dude.

she had lots of dramatic swoops and swirls.

it probably looked cool, lying on the bed with her sitting up above you.

have a good night, cape or wings or ghost girl. have a good night.
:)

The Exhibition: Part 3

this was supposed to be the end.  it just kept going on though, so i decided to make another break, so now it's 4 parts.  i'm pretty sure that's the end though.  

i still don't know if that'll be the end-end.  maybe do more stories with the characters?  maybe just add part 5,6,99?  we'll see.

anyway, part 3:

i don't have time to read these tonight

but if figured i'd share, so if other people are interested.  again, i haven't read any of them (other than the first one), so i don't know if they're good yet.  they just looked interesting, and i started clicking them into new tabs, and now there are so many tabs open, and i need to get to bed soonish.  so if you read them, and really liked one or really hated one, let me know, and i'll read that one too.

it's like a book club.

• pets
• Life of Dog
• Volunteer Breeding
• K9
• Seeing Eye Dog
• Girl Hunt
• The Law Of A Strange Land
• CAGE.2
• the Collection Gallery
• Sex Education
• enema/scat
• Brainwashing Process
• Brainwashing Process 2
• Cute Toys
• Kichikuno Ori Gallery
• Haisetsu -Enema-
• real/manga combo, but also scat based?
• Hitoduma eros vol. 4 
• Hitoduma eros vol. 8
• hitoduma eros vol.5
• hitoduma eros vol.9
• Hitoduma eros vol. 2
• Hitoduma eros vol. 6
• momoyama jirou

The Exhibition: Part 2

so i wrote more.

random blargle

hopefully people liked that last story.  if you didn't, then too bad, because i think i have two sequels in my head.  it just kind of flows easily, unlike a lot of other stories i've tried to restart and finish, so that's how it goes.

while i was planning the next part, i remembered another writer, who kind of covers a lot of the same kind of themes, although not really in the same way i was going to do it.  in any case, this Blair Brek archive has a bunch (all?) of her stories so you can read them.

finally, i saw this news story today, about this lady in california who had a bunch of plastic surgery and is now doing hypnotherapy to be more like a bimbo.  which i guess fits in with the themes in a lot of those Blair Brek stories.  it's kind of a shame, because i really think she was prettier before the surgery.  anyway, it's kind of weird to see someone actually doing what i've read about in stories.

The Exhibition

i had today off, so i decided to turn the story idea i've been mulling for a few months into a proper thing.  all the concepts here are super cliche and all that, but it's the story i think about when i wake up early, but don't ahve to get out of bed, and so i can just stay in bed and cuddle up.

i also pulled thoughts from a few pixiv artists:
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=41684341
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=31147825

and cocoasoft videos:
http://www.talaat.net/index.php?route=product/product&path=80_82&product_id=88
http://www.talaat.net/index.php?route=product/product&path=72_84&product_id=184

so you know...that's where i stole things from.

let me know if you have any comments or thoughts.  i don't know if i'm going to do a sequel or not.  i have some more ideas, but maybe it's just better to let this stand on its own?

anyway, i put it below the cut

Hey! Let's be all crazy, right?

so i guess that last thing did work? i saw this "embed pixivs into stuff" code on a thing, and thought i'd try it.  i can see it, so i assume everyone else can?  or is it like secret hidden if you don't have a pixiv account that lets you see the r-18 stuff?  anyone out there want to comment and tell me?  mostly i feel bad posting pixiv stuff that don't tell you how to find the cool other stuff that artist made, so i want to fix that, and this fixes that, right?

second thing:

as i was driving home from work tonight, i hit on this great idea: valentine's day sucks, but i love this frozen movie because omg it's great, so maybe i should spend valentine's day going to the sing-a-long version of it, and just belt out my love for that song i posted, because it's been in my head since i saw the movie, and the cold never bothered me anyway.

but, i guess it's not going to be in my favorite theater, or, maybe like any theater here on valentines?

so should i go to one this weekend, and make a fool of myself stomping and gesturing during that one song, and then on valentines do my standard "eat chocolate and steaks and potatoes and wish i had a lover to hug my crazy out"?

and yes

i totally am hoping i'll go to the sing a long, sing a long, and have some cute girl come up after and kiss my forehead and say "you can be my elsa anyday you dumb poopyface".  shut up, i get to have whatever fantasy i want on my blog, and you can go fuck yourself if you disagree.  ya jerk.

:-P
\

also

you know what?

I just did tags

I'm not sorry at all.  nope.  no sorry available.  sorry for that (not sorry, there is no sorry here).  I'm all grown up.  And watching disney movies.  so.  shut up.  and fuck you. :-P

this is totally off topic, but go with it, ok?

last weekend, after various internet things prompted me, i went to go see Frozen, by Disney.  have you seen it?  ok.  so, stop now, and go out and see it, because that shit is fucking perfect.  name a disney movie.  No, that sucks, you're wrong, Frozen is better.  Want some proof?

if you didn't love that, go away and never look at me again.  that's a kind of freedom and beauty i can only wish i could channel.

a) she's beautiful
b) she's ok with who she is
c) she doesn't care what you think about that.

you got a problem?

does anyone think?

that krampus guy is kind of cool


what with the beatings and all?

oh

maybe not, i guess

i'm bad at this

i feel really bad that i haven't posted anything recently, or put up some porn for people, or whatever.

but...


i think my brain isn't broken anymore?

like, i look at the regular porn i subscribe to, and i get aroused, and my hand takes a little trip (you know), and things work out, and then i go to sleep, and wake up early the next day ready to do math to things that i'm paid to math at.


so i'm super super sorry i've been lazy a lot recently

and i do have dream things i'd like to post

but maybe i should just admit that i'm on hiatus, and that my brain isn't up to the blogging thing now.

that makes me kind of sad, because a lot of you were super helpful, and calm, and caring, and made me feel better when i posted things.   Mr. Christopher of the Leather Crafter stuff, you're totally up on the list.

Mr. Veterinarian, who i said i would sent pictures to (but never ended up doing), you're totally there too.



if you sent me stuff, and were offended that i didn't respond, please don't be angry.  my brain works differently now, and i think it's for the best of everyone.




ok, deep breath.

"sammy, will you never post again?"

no, that'd be silly.  i just want to let everyone know that i'm admitting that i'm a failure at bloging, so let's just let it be a random thing, ok?

"but, but...i lovve you!"

no you don't.  stop sending me those emails.



so, let's all be kinks, and be cool, ok?

OK!

one little thing

"Masochist Dog Enjoys Being Walked Around On Leash While Naked"

i saw this during work today, and had to be careful to keep my giggles under control. :)

also, weird dream thing from this morning:

i'm at work, and it's just like a never ending stream of things to do.  eventually, i have a chance for a break, and so i go over to a futon, and curl up to take a nap.  however, a bunch of people come in to get me to do things, or check things, or whatever, and with a angry growl, i roll over, and fall off the futon.

but i don't hit the floor quite right, and realize that my head has fallen onto someone's lap.  it's cradled gently between two smooth pale thighs, and i look up, and see a naked redhead staring down.

all the work people kind of get quiet, and then (my brain) makes a terrible "carpet/drapes" joke because my hair is in her crotch.

then i wake up, and even i go "dude, wtf?"  i think i've been working too hard recently. :-/

not dead

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry!

a) i've had lots of work crap that has totally eaten up a lot of what was free time.

b) i've sorted out a lot of brain issues that were fucking with me.  yay less fucked up brain!

c)  so

like a lot of things.  assorted public rape things.  that fucked up dude in cleveland.  a variety of things that sound great in my half-awake fantasies, but when they show up on the news, it's totally less cool.

i think that's a lot of why i've been hesitant to post.  like, my brain isn't so fucked up, and i read news stories, and i don't want people to go through the shit in the news

even if it is like 99% the same as the shit i dream up in the late night.

i guess i'm caught in the middle of reality and fantasy, and not sure how to get out.  i do have three (maybe four) dream things that i want to post, but this hesitancy is stopping me.

just

like


so people know, and shit.

i am increasingly bad at posting

but i have three dream stories i want to get up this weekend.

"street"

"party"

"bed"

i hope you'll enjoy them.
:)

i feel dumb

i browsed on craigslist, all "what's going on"

and someone was like "let's chat about medical fetishes!"

and i'm all "yay! let's do that!"

but then it turns out they're totally a scammer trying to steal my money.

:(

cause, like, you know

medical fetish is kind of an odd thing to try to scam on, right?  i mean, how many people are all like "woo! enemas and catheters and straitjackets!"

so, now i feel dumb, but whatevers, because i totally had dirty thoughts to thinking about that stuff. :-P

and i have a dream thing to write up, and i hope people like it, because apparently dirty thoughts + um...like three times on sunday, maybe? = wonderful dream things that just appear fully formed.

thanks, that part of my brain that kinks out even when i'm asleep!
:)

grumblr

date went badly.  she was like if you took a sammy, and then added another sammy.  i don't mean to be rude or something, and i know i need to lose some weight to be healthy again, but she was way way way too fat.  we had sushi, and then departed, and i feel bad ignoring her messages, but that just isn't cool, ok?

seriously

feels all the bads there. :(

second thing:

i totally intend to move my google readers tumblers to tumblr this weekend.  so then i can reblog stuff you might like, and subscribe, or whatever tumblr calls it.

why can't technology just stick around so sad crazy girls can do the sad crazy thing?

:-/

two things

1. tomorrow i have a date with a girl, and we'll see if sammy can handle being with someone in public.  i'm kind of hesitant, but either i can deal with people, or i hide at home, under a blanket forevers, right?

2. i did the tumblr thing, but i feel kind of bad.  i follow lots of tumblrs on google reader, but it's going away, so maybe i should just do tumblr instead, and people can follow there, and i can save this for my random crazy rants?  anyone have any thoughts about this?  tumblr follows would be easier, as i think i can just clicky reblog stuff and you can see it and be all "yeah, I like that, sammy!"?

3. it's http://sammy808.tumblr.com/ because that's where it is.


suggest what you think is easiest/best/whatever, and i'll try to do that.  is tumblring best, or do you like the blogger stuff?  i don't know limits/restrictions either.

internal monologue

"whoa, someone messaged me on that dating thing."

"yeah, but you're messed up and weird, and it'll never work out."

"but if we just avoid everyone, what's the damn point of having a dating thing?"

"because maybe someone would send us a message."

"SOMEONE DID SEND A MESSAGE!"

"yeah, but it was probably a mistake.  she doesn't know you're really fucked up."

"but i clearly said, 'i'm kind of fucked up.'"

"everyone says that, she probably thought you were like 'oh, i forget my umbrella on rainy days.''

"that's fucking crazy"

"no, you're fucking crazy."

sometimes my brain is a jerk.

sometimes i just have to say stuff, and shoot it out into the world, and i don't really expect a response.

i should post images at some point

so last time i mentioned that my hard drive with all my stuff crashed.  it turns out that sammy is better at backing things up than she thought. :)

i discovered a "misc videos" folder on my usb drive in the folder that had the handful of videos i knew i had backed up.  this new folder has the entire set of things i had on that disk.  i guess i didn't copy things correctly, so instead of going into the video folder, they went into a new one?

whatever.  things aren't as bad as i feared.


and then this morning i had another weird dream thing.  it took place in my apartment, but it wasn't my apartment.  the best description would be like a temple, like a mayan thing or something.  i say that because at the end of the hall, there was a really long staircase/pyramid thing going down to the street.

in any case, i'm there with (who i guess is) my Mistress.  She's leading me on a leash, as i walk on my hands and knees.  my hands are covered in mitts, but i can still bend my fingers.  my legs are covered in latex stockings, although they have steel inserts in the feet.  the inserts hold my feet so that they're pointed, but since i'm crawling, this isn't really a problem.

She brings me down to the end of the hall, and we're at the top of the staircase.  i see some ballet boots and shoes, and pick up the shoes and look up at my Mistress.  She responds with a "fine, you can wear them, but it's not like it's going to make a difference." i realize that's because the steel insert does the same thing, but i don't care, and slide the shoes on my feet.  i can't lace them up, since i can't use my fingers.

we start down the stairs, and i can see that there's a group assembling at the bottom.  i'm not sure what's going on, but with the calm tug of the leash, i know that things will be ok.

and then i wake up in a fairly happy mood.

because i have to wake up early tomorrow, so making a blog post at 12:30 is totally a good idea

for like the second time in a year, the hard drive with all my porn movies died.  last time, i was able to convince it to live long enough so i could copy most of it off to a new one, but this time, it looks like it's all dead.

fuck.

the scat stuff, the bondage stuff, the stuff that involves puppies that are so very cute.

gone, i think.

:(

and since the place that i used to get torrents from to get things is gone, i'm probably screwed on a lot of that.  i still have some stuff i wrote to dvds, but i'll have to find those again, since i mistakenly thought "oh, just buy a big hard drive, and put it all there, it'll be ok."

stupid computers

stupid shitty computers that suck at keeping my porn in a place where i can see it whenever i want to.

grumble.

i guess tomorrow i'm going to best buy to get another big hard drive, and i'll save anything new there, and then it'll break, and i'll be without things i thought i'd have forevers.

here's a crappy dream thing:

i had a dream last night that i was going on a trip, and so i zipped up a dog into my suitcase.  not a small dog, mind you.  like german shepherd big.

wtf?

here's the dream thing from friday night (it's better)

i'm at work, but it's not like real work.  it's some idealized "you're at work now, sammy" kind of place.  there's this new girl, or maybe she's not new, but she definitely doesn't actually work at the work i work at.

we're having some sort of meeting, but there aren't enough seats.  she tucks her legs up onto the couch (because that makes sense) and suggests i sit on the floor in front of her, so at least i have something to rest against.

she's taken off her shoes, and her legs are covered in wonderful grey cable knit tights.  they're super thick and bulky, but super cute.

we're having this meeting, and after some time, she stretches out, and wraps her right leg around my neck, pulling me close.  she tucks that foot under herself, and then lets the other one slide down my body.  i'm pretty sure legs aren't that long, but i feel her teasing at my pants, sliding in under my underwear.

it's the next day, and because in my dreams, i'm apparently in high school, i put a note on her desk that's like a valentine with a "do you like me, yes/no" thing on it.

jump forward to the end of the day, and my desk has two tiny envelopes and a book that i loaned out (to the new girl? i guess?).  the envelopes are thick, like they're overstuffed with stuff.  

i pick them up, and rush home, intending to read the notes there.

and then i wake up.

because there's this part of my brain that says share

go watch this video:

it's super cute, and not really super kinky, but kind of so, so like... something...

things to watch out for:

rolled up sock.  like she's wearing the sock, but all the top bit is rolled into a ring.  i totally did that when i was little, and said, "i'm robin", from batman, right?  i had a pair of green socks that i did that with a lot.  maybe that's a sign this sock thing is genetic?

panda hat.  no reason.  just a super cute panda hat.

can't sleep and OMGOMGOMG!

did you see Mr. Veterinarian's last piece of art?

it maybe stars a certain kinky sammy!

OMG!

i can't believe that he would really want to draw someone like me....i need to make sure he has good references for next time.


and maybe sort out a proper story for that picture....

i would love to be in that suit...to have that nose snuffling my snufflables... :-P

today was an unhappy day

i mean, having someone else fuck up my car totally sucks.  i think it's all ok, but being there going "you're fucking up my car!" is not a fun way to spend an evening.

ok

breathe.

happy thoughts

here's the "clean" version of the half-dream/half-daydream i've been having after waking up too early for my alarm:


i'm awake, but i have help.

first, they wrap me in like linen bandages.  legs individually, torso, maybe a bit of extra fun around the breasts, then down my arms, individually again, folding my hands into loose fists.

mummy sammy!

next, the leather.  they scoot me into leather pants, which somehow don't bunch up the linen?  dream magic is cool.  anyway, they end in foot-mittens.  or...i guess they're just leather tights? next up is the straight jacket.  arms in position, wrap around my tummy, locked in place.  also locked to the pants.

there's a bit of a hood, but nothing too harsh.

finally, a sleepsuit kind of over-thing.  it's a single piece that covers me from toe to head, compressing my legs together and holding my arms tightly to my torso.  there are appropriate holes where needed, but tightly covers me, and holds the leather second layer in place.  there are rings at my head and at my feet, and i know they're so i can be suspending in whatever position necessary.


and, unlike usually, this is where i wrap up in my sheets and pillows, and usually go back to sleep all happy and warm feeling.  :)

happy thoughts!

yeah, i removed some posts

they didn't seem appropriate, even if i do support my thoughts in them.


but anyway

here's a dream thing

i'm in a city, but not my city.  i go "home", but an ex is there.  she's all super bitchy and angry and stuff, and talks about all the people in my life she's had sex with to spite me.  somehow that devolves into us in bed. kissing.  like whoa kissing.  the kind of kissing that makes you half wake up, and snuggle up to some blankets and pillows, you know?

and then everything is all better again?

but she has kids now, so i take them to the grocery store.  one of them (a boy?) wants some candy, but only in cherry.  cherry's out, so i give him strawberry, and lie that it's totally cherry.  little kids are dumb, so he believes me.  yay?

somehow i walk home, but now my ex is like a 1970s sterotypical exploitation movie black girl, with afro and everything.  she tried to kill herself, but the kids are there (but way younger).

so this.

this is way beyond anything i know how to rationalize.  the ex thing, ok. i get that.  the everything else though....

dear brain, stop being dumb, love, sammy!

another dream

i'm... suburbs?

anyway, his daughter is a lesbian, and is rebelling against him.  he's upset about this, and i seem to be the target of his anger.  maybe it's because he thinks i'm turning her?  she's too young, it's not ok to do that.  maybe it's just anxiety about my own family here?

days pass.  it's all ok.

i'm thirsty now, so i look down in the garden.

there's a fairy, and she's got a catheter so i can drink from her.

because this is my dream, and in my dream, you can totally suck the piss from a tiny pixie.

but then i see this device.  it talks to me in japanese, and i can just piece together the words.  it tells me that it's available for just 19.99! it's a bargain!

so i get infomercials in my dreams now?


 but it's a feeder for when you're on  vacation, but don't want your pet to die.

it tells me that it accepts urine as a source.

i bend down and confrim that licking the sensor causes it to leak some liquid.  i note how this could work to humiliate people

especially since it talks in Japanese to tell me that it knows i'm a pervert.


then

as always


wake p

arrrgh!

argh!


blah!

arrrrhgghghghghth!


asdflkajsd;lfkjas;ldkgja;lsjga;ls!


argh!

blarrrrrrghthghghghahtaltkhal;kghf;lakdf;lakdshf!


GRARRRARRTTH!

(sorry, just had to shout at things.  shouting over.  feel betters. i will porn it up soon as i can, thanks for sticking around. :-P)

wah wah wah!

i know i have emails i need to respond to

i know i have new Mr. Anonymous-es to convert to understanding that i don't care who you really are, i just want you to converse in the comments like everyone else.  we're all accepted here, you know?

i have so much work stuff that i feel drown-y sometimes.  then i take a nap and everything seems way way better


and then

those naps

there's this totally kinky thing i've been thinking, during the quiet happy time where you wake up, but the alarm is all "you've got 20 minutes, bitch," and so you sit and wonder, and think happy things, and snuggle all warm and happy, and everything is right with the world?

then that fucking beeper beeps all over the place telling you to wake up and go work and earn money and make The Man happy.

:-/

but during that quiet happy time, i've come up with a quiet happy story, and i need to get it down, and i'm hopeing to do it this week.


thanks for sticking around!

another late night sammy confidence booster post

i had 27 people visit me on okcupid.  but like, all of them were 51% matches.  that's like saying "you're terrible, sammy, so here are some terrible people you won't like to date.  enjoy being miserable"

and that's why i avoid my online dating shit.  i set it up, and then let it roam free, because i'm sure no one will ever love me the right way.

"oh, sammy, that's not true!"

you're nice, and that's nice, but we both know that i'm damaged, right?  you'll do everything i ask, but when i ask you to do something new, you'll be stunned, and i'll be hurt, and the drama will overcome everyone.

if you know someone who might be depressed or whatever, realize that this is totally how they see things.  because i do exactly that.  the more you get close to me, the more i push away.

hedgehog dilemma.

anyone know a fix?

dream story thing

i bend over, and clip my collar to a ring on the floor with one of those snappy-close key chain things (that let you clip your keys to things).  i start drinking out of the bowl on the floor, and then a minute later, someone reaches down and unclips me.

"hey, what are you doing, i'm not a slave!" i say.

"the moment you bound yourself to the floor, you were a slave.  those are the rules," she replies.


then i woke up.

so..this is my "random notes" from dream stuff

train

sally (supposed to), kelly (friendly), dawn (friend)
vac girl

mysterious church
dormatory/hospital
open room
release girl
bath, pee
reseal her
catch train back
sally sad

--------------------------------------

hrm...

so here was how this was supposed to be. i'm on a train to london (nevermind i don't live anywhere close to there, that's just how it is).  i talk with some people (sally,kelly, dawn), but we end up in a weird church.  it's like a theater, but all stone and empty.  we wander some more, and up in the hospital. we find this girl, who's trapped in a vacuum bed like thing.  we let her out, and she takes a bath with us, and then she says "i need to pee" and does so, and i drink it all down.

but, she is in the hospital, right? so we can't leave her like this, so we put her back in her bag, and seal her back up.  i then all normal like get back to the train, and sally, who i was supposed to be dating? or going out with? or something? she's all upset that i spent my time with the vacuum girl, and i guess kelly and dawn?  i remember kind of a 'hey, let's spend more time together" kind of thing with kelly, but this is where things broke down, and i woke up all "whoa...i'd totally love to smother in that vacuum girl's pussy".

ok?

MR. VETERINARIAN!

He has new stuff!

go look!

poke around, because i just linked to one, and i think he has like three new ones now!

thank you for making new things, Mr. Veterinarian!  i love everything you do!

:D

OMG GO CLICKY NOW!

gah

i just declined two different girls on two different date sites.  i am the worst at valentines day ever.

i wish someone would show up and be like "hey sammy, let's go be cool together."

that would make this whole thing much simpler.

also: dear social anxiety, it'd be great if you'd just kill yourself and be gone, ok?  THX SAMMY!

girl on left

totally me because i had the same reaction when i saw this picture

also: om nom black pantyhose ;)

wah

do you know hannah hart?

she's this youtube lesbian who's going around places soon, but probably not hawaii. :(

but, i'm catching up on her youtube stuff for her tour, and she's totally who i want to meet

like...you know "meet"?

everyone's with me here, right?

anyway, i totes have a story that came up last night, i just need to make the words for it.  i hope you enjoy it, although it's not a lot of bondage or sex or stuff...just like a thought?

a thought that made me snooze my alarm for twenty minutes until i could get off and whatnot.

huh

i only just now learned about dorothy parker.

am i the only one to think she's super really cute?

why am i crying if i'm not sad?

so i'm not really sad, everything is still generally going ok for me, especially compared to how things were before.

but i was listening to crap on youtube, linked to this, and tears.  like all over tears.  :-/

so about a month ago, my bachan died.  she was really old, and she'd been having strokes for a few years, and even though whenever i visited, she was mostly the same as she'd been when i was little, i could tell that she was super thin, and no matter what, it was clear that sometimes there was a fog that would pass through her mind.  you just have to wait through it, and wait for her to return.

then she had another really bad one, and never woke up again.

it's sad, but in some ways, she'd had a full life, and it can't last forever.  i know she wasn't really happy once her health was in decline, so it's less of a loss and all, and i have a thousand other ways to console myself that death isn't something to be feared or hated.

but still.

anyway, i just wanted to get some thoughts down somewhere, and now i need to go blow my nose.

i ate a lot of ham today

it was tasty ham, but not the traditional turkey.

dunno why, just thought people would be interested.

if you've posted a comment, i totally intend to reply, i've just been lazy.  or ham-filled.  is that an excuse?

i also have stuff i want to post, but organizing and posting....blah....maybe being less crazy all the time is really impacting my kinks.  still, i'd totes trade less crazy for just about anything.

thanks for sticking with me and super loves to everybody!

just to say hi, i guess

super busy at work, with like piles of crap to do all the time, and they all need to be done like yesterday, and why is it taking so long, sammy, you can do better.

and sadness, because sadness is always there with me.

and new therapist, because old therapist is quitting to take care of family.  new therapist sounds like parody of soviet ambassador.  he also quotes new agey crap to me like it's deep, and gave me a summary of voltaire's candide that i think was largely made up, based on what wikipedia tells me it's about.  not a good start, so i'm thinking about cancelling and trying to find someone new.

because i don't want to be told that i'm lonely because i don't relax around people.  i know i don't relax around people, i told you that.  i don't like having to deal with lots of people all at once like in person.  it's just...too...how do you make everyone like you?  and then you don't, and you look dumb, and you know they talked about it later.  if only someone cared about the things you do do well, enough to note that you're not just always the awkward one sipping coffee and eating a cookie and hoping no one comes over to chat.

how is breathing differently going to fix that, new therapist?  i can't do your instant relaxation/trance/hypnosis crap in the middle of a party.  i'll pass out and they'll call an ambulance.  that wouldn't be super awkward to deal with. at. all.  "let's not invite sammy this time.  she kind of freaked out and we had to call 911 and all."

super helpful, dr russia.

at least the anti depressant i'm still on keeps most of the worst things down.  my suicide level is still at like 0, which is at least comforting.  i kind of feel like the drugs are a little voice in my head saying, "whoa, calm down there.  let's just not worry about that, and it'll work out ok."

problem is, the bitch says the same thing to like "let's do dishes" and "that's a lot of garbage, maybe we should take that out."

so sometimes i feel like one of those crazy hoarder people.  wow, that would suck.

and sometimes i read stories or see people and make up my own story about them, and terrify myself.  like the old guy at the grocery store who had his wallet on a chain, and some snack bars, and a fanny pack with his money, and a plastic bag of change, and some listerine.  my story for him was that he realized one day that he was losing it.  like major losing it, and in those last few days/weeks/months of sentience, set up a system for himself that ensured he'd not lose his wallet, and keep all his important stuff strapped to him, so when the madness took hold, he would be prepared because his not-crazy self had set him up to deal with the world.

and then i went home and cried for like an hour.  how is that not the saddest story ever?  someone so alone that when their mind goes, they're the only one that can fight back against the madness and the world?  worse: what if that's my own fate, since i have so much trouble connecting with people?  am i going to be driving a robocart around safeway in a few decades, money and keys taped to places that i instinctively know, because that's where they always were ("i'll set up a routine so things are in place, so if i lose it, the routine will help keep things going as long as i can follow the plan").

it's halloween today, i guess.  give me your vampires and witches and zombies any day of the week.  the fear of living alone forever until my mind fades to the point where i'm barely aware of my situation, and have to rely on either my previous self to have protected me, or random strangers being paid $8.75 an hour to make sure i don't shit myself or walk into the street.  which is scarier to you?

my vag

this was just so....

i had to share.

it's unrelated to most everything, but stilll, seemed shareable
:)

go read this!

sunstone

he uploaded pdf files of all the comics in order so it's easy to read!
:)

story time

mostly because i'm sick of remembering a story, and then losing the link and having to search for random terms until i find it again.  so, anyway, here are a bunch of stories i can never remember the titles of, but like a bunch and wanted to share.  also some other stories i found today that looked good, but i maybe haven't read all the way through.

My Life as a Dog.  i think this is one of the first petplay stories i ever read, and even though it's sadly unfinished, it still turns me on.  the description of being treated as an animal while everyone else is still human is great.

The Stables. kind of a neat little willing transformation story i found.  again, humiliation is kind of a big part of the mood.

High Heeled Hell.  this is a messier, more violent story, but when i first read it years ago, it really turned me on in the same way that dolcett's images do.

Cannibal 4H. same thing with this one.  messy and violent, but with something that really tweaks my mind.

Jasmine's Lament. a bit of violence in this one, but mostly a wonderful story of selfbondage/pony training that gets out of hand.  i like the idea of selfbondage that is so strict, it's impossible to get out, and basically makes you a slave to your idea.

Sister Victoria's Secret.  a cop goes undercover to stop criminals.  she has to pretend her partner is her mom to fool them.  a story i read once, and then lost (today's post is partially prompted by this one).

Debbie Visits a Spanish Mental Hospital. i remember reading this before, and liking it, but i don't remember any details right now.  i guess i need to read it again.

Nurse Joy in Trouble.  another that i read around the same time as the previous one.  joy is trapped in an abandoned psych ward by other nurses, and is bound and humiliated.  fun times. ;)


Kim's Tail.  ex-wives go to collect their inheritance on a tropical island, and get enslaved by automated training cells and turned into pony/puppy/pet girls.  another story i can never remember the title of.

ok, so this is silly

i woke up early this morning for some reason, and turned on the tv.  the olympics were on like every channel, so i chose one and kind of half watched, half dozed.  i think it was archery or something, and then it ended, and then they switched to women's soccer (maybe i changed the channel, it was early and i was sleepy :-P).

i watched enough to notice that the team from Cameroon had really bright yellow socks, and then this story kind of popped into my head all at once.  again, it's silly and not super sexy (as in, there's no sex in it), but i had to get it all down.  check the labels to see if you think you'd be interested before clicking through.

Olympic Volunteer

kind of a sammy update

so i've kind of sorted out the battery of drugs that i need to take each day, and i discovered saturday that skipping them isn't that good of an idea.  by the end of the day, i was cranky and whiny and had the suicide thoughts bouncing around again.  sunday was better, as i took my pills again and sorted stuff out in my brain, and today (monday) has been just peachy.

i guess that's rule #1, don't take a day off. ever. because you'll notice and be all hidey and bitchy.

a lot of the panic stuff has subsided, and i have to go on work trips next month that i'm sure would have sent old me into panicky messes.  i have my regular drugs to keep me sane, and my special drugs to keep me from overwhelming myself.


as much as i post here, i "post" less in real life, it seems.  i can kind of feel myself becoming more distant from other people, which kind of makes this loneliness feeling aggravated.

i'm not posting this to get like, "oh, you're pretty sammy, you can make friends and be not lonely!" comments.  i'm lonely because having to deal with people in a like "real" aspect still terrifies me.  i thought about putting up a okcupid profile, but then had to calm down from a panic attack about "what if someone contacts me?"

these are dumb things to worry about, but it doesn't mean that i can just kick them out of my head.  i may have linked to this comic series before, but i'm doing it again.  my current drugs keep the suicidal thought suppressed, but a lot of the anxiety and worry and insecurities still pop through.

my best friend has a new baby that is like 100000 cutes crammed into a tiny body.  i look at her, and can do what is apparently a better job at baby-management than most people my friends know.  but, still, deep inside, i have this feeling that i will never make one of these, because i'll never find someone who gets me enough that we could get to that level.

anyway, enough rambling.  i'll try to get more porn out more regularly, but i'm not guaranteeing anything.

thanks for sticking with crazy sammy ;)