haha! i'm garbage!

first up: wow.  good job, me, not pulling out edit notes when you told me you were going to do that!  great, that one person has been like, "uh, sammy, probably a mistake?"

so, hey:

all you

want to edit?  mostly it's "that's not a word, sammy" and "who is this 'captain jerkbutt' character?" and "jfc, is this supposed to have text, or am i just supposed to accept [this comment in square brackets] junk."  this is a serious request for people who can read and note obvious errors quickly.

i can do this too, but i take drugs now, and although they make it so i can re-read things, they also make it super frustrating to wait for a calm me to arrive and reread.

so, hey, anyone interested?

second: whoops, i guess i need to add porn to chapter 3, because my outline just fucked up and put in a bunch of socialist organizing.

this isn't an editable thing, just a warning that it's going to be way left-er than you might expect.

conform or fuck off.  i seriously don't give a fuck which you do.

third: this might end up being less sexy.  when i follow the intentions and drives out, they don't end up quite as sexy as i would like.

i mean, there's lots of predictive "whoa!  this is going to get super HHHOOOTTT!!!"

but, maybe not?

is that a problem?  if i bill myself as a pornographer, but instead deliver manifestos, does that detract from my pornography?

or do i just allow that people who can't accept egalitarian porn are really just assholes?

sanity is over rated

i should know.  i looked over the opposition, took my pills, and looked at what that brought me.

i'm not complaining about my sanity.  it's reassuring to not freak out about minor upsets.  it's good to not see a dead animal and need to take a day off to recuperate.  it's nice to go out in public and not feel so much like an absolute freak.

i mean, i still mumble things to myself, and count on my fingers in a way that can't be reassuring to other people.

but feeling like this.

with what i think is what people know as "normal" in my hands.

it's weird and difficult and challenging.

when you know no one else sees what you see, and know that what makes you panic might  not exist, it's easy to draw away and accept that you're in a fantasy realm.

but when you crash down to the real world, and have to deal with trash, and the leaves you tracked in on your shoes, and "laundry".

shit turns out to be real.



so, a check-in on things:

1. my favorite forum turns out to be moderated by racists, so i guess it's not my favorite anymore?
2. i feel like i should write more, but i've been getting home at like 8pm.  
1. not hating your work means you have less time for porn.
2. this feels like it should be a positive?
3. nice that the country understands useless insanity now.  would have even nicer 24 months ago, but i guess i have to live with the repercussions of anti-democratic fascist jurists being placed by corrupt fascists.
4. or, you know, walls and shakespeare and such. 
1. just a suggestion.

hey

so.

started antidepressants again.  this time they seem to be doing a way better job than previously.  it's nice not wanting to kill myself everyday.  it's like a whole new world that's probably what other people live all the time.

so that's nice.

i also applied and was accepted for a new job.  that means i'm going to be moving to the mainland.  which is kind of super stressful and all that, but i don't like my current job, and this is a big opportunity.

i don't think i'm going to be advertising the area code i'm moving to, so don't bother with that.  it's a big change by itself, and i'd prefer not to have to worry about random people stalking me because of my porn account.

that said, i might start writing again.  the antidepressants make masturbating a struggle, but they clear my brain of a lot of the unpleasantness.  i have one story outlined, and a second vaguely sorted, and a third idea that could be clearer, but is better than i've been in a year.

no promises.  the world still sucks, there are still fascists out there that hate me, and people could be kinder but aren't.  we'll see if i feel comfortable with this.

so, hey.  here's a 2017 update before the new year.  wasn't this a shitball of a year?

fucking hope next year is better.

sorry.

i don't even remember what it was all about, i just remember it started with me feeling dumb because of anxiety.  so now it's gone, and if you left the comment, sorry but i didn't read that either, i just marked the email as read.  i just had to have the whole thing go away to stop the "you said something stupid" anxiety.

which is kind of always here, and i know it makes me super needy and whiny.  i hate that about me, too.  it sucks have a voice constantly telling me that i'm not good at anything, and that anything good that i do is just an accident, or that it's shit too, i'm just too dumb to realize it.  it double sucks when that voice is your voice, or at least similar enough to the voice you use when you sing along in the car.  out of key.

and i ramble a lot.  i think it's to try and redirect the conversation to stupid crap that doesn't mean anything so i don't have to feel stressed about it.

one issue is that i'm going on vacation, and that's always super stressful for me.  you know, like how it isn't for normal people who can look forward to doing something that's not the same day-to-day shit.

and now i'm sad because the japanese travel show i watch just showed a dead bird.  this show is from 1995 or something, sammy.  that bird was going to be dead by now anyway.  :(  it was a pretty green bird.  mejiro?

anyway, i took the time to schedule a therapy appointment, since not trying therapy clearly isn't working.  so, hopefully i'll be better in july.  because that's when you get an appointment now, i guess.  thanks, obama.  like a serious thanks, though, for helping people get health care so they can get therapy if they need it.

So. How you doing?

me?  oh, what?

how am i doing?

pffst.

whatever.

you know.  "feeling like cutting"

as you do, right?

lol!

yay!



ok, but seriously, yeah.  that's how i'm feeling tonight.  which is kind of a shitty shit storm of shit cakes.

but here's a thing that i've come to the conclusion on:

i think me writing stories is a proxy for therapy.

i'm not at all saying it's a good proxy, or that i shouldn't go back to therapy.  i'm just saying that my brain has apparently decided it can work some shit out if i make really perverted fiction.

so.  like.  three cheers for my brain being that kinky, i guess.

here's the theory:

it's all about Exhibition.  Annie represents the me i put out day-to-day.  She's the "fuck all this shit, we have to earn the money so we don't starve to death" bit of my brain.  you never see her, because she's the me i try not to put here.  Sammy is the me that i am here.  the fucked up moron that pretty much just wants someone to tell her she's fine the way she is, and sometimes pet her head and reassure her she's not the fuck up she's scared of being.

basically, i think i write stories so the part of my brain that's confident can tell the other part that's scared about everything that it's not so bad, and it'll be ok.

but, maybe that scared bit has to obey the confident part all the time always, because that's the part that is distilling sheer panic into action.  i suspect this is why i've had three ideas for Annie crying in the past few days.  i think that part of my brain is really panicking and over-worked, and it just wants someone to hug it back.  i'm sorry, Annie-brain.  i'll try to support you better!


so.  yeah.  the psychological things you come up with when you write porn, and then try to figure out why porn story A is so much easier to write than porn story B.


i will get back to spa treatment, although i'm thinking i may break it up into parts 2a and 2b.  Exhibition: B was half the size of what i expect spa 2 to be, and i think that may be why it's taking so long.  write something until it's done, get it out, then move on to later bits.  i can submit only "full" parts to the story sites when i'm happy with them, but i can do smaller bits on the blog faster.  then, it's less of a burden to edit, and it can get out, and it's not like a three hour thing to prrofread.


also:  here's the secret about the title:

holy shit

did you know they have pillow cases with pockets for the pillow?  like, you put the pillow in, then you pull the pocket over, and the pillow stays in the case because of the pocket.

i just discovered my new sheets did that.  that's brilliant.   why isn't this on all pillows?  i hate waking up with my face on just pillow.  this like locks them in.


anyway.

new story idea (because of something someone said), so i'm plotting it out.  i'm thinking of doing a super short update to "exhibition," and so maybe that'll get a sequel at some point?

work sucks, life sucks, feeling slightly less crazy than usual.  go me.

just.

pillow case pockets.

wonderful.

kind of a sammy update

so i've kind of sorted out the battery of drugs that i need to take each day, and i discovered saturday that skipping them isn't that good of an idea.  by the end of the day, i was cranky and whiny and had the suicide thoughts bouncing around again.  sunday was better, as i took my pills again and sorted stuff out in my brain, and today (monday) has been just peachy.

i guess that's rule #1, don't take a day off. ever. because you'll notice and be all hidey and bitchy.

a lot of the panic stuff has subsided, and i have to go on work trips next month that i'm sure would have sent old me into panicky messes.  i have my regular drugs to keep me sane, and my special drugs to keep me from overwhelming myself.


as much as i post here, i "post" less in real life, it seems.  i can kind of feel myself becoming more distant from other people, which kind of makes this loneliness feeling aggravated.

i'm not posting this to get like, "oh, you're pretty sammy, you can make friends and be not lonely!" comments.  i'm lonely because having to deal with people in a like "real" aspect still terrifies me.  i thought about putting up a okcupid profile, but then had to calm down from a panic attack about "what if someone contacts me?"

these are dumb things to worry about, but it doesn't mean that i can just kick them out of my head.  i may have linked to this comic series before, but i'm doing it again.  my current drugs keep the suicidal thought suppressed, but a lot of the anxiety and worry and insecurities still pop through.

my best friend has a new baby that is like 100000 cutes crammed into a tiny body.  i look at her, and can do what is apparently a better job at baby-management than most people my friends know.  but, still, deep inside, i have this feeling that i will never make one of these, because i'll never find someone who gets me enough that we could get to that level.

anyway, enough rambling.  i'll try to get more porn out more regularly, but i'm not guaranteeing anything.

thanks for sticking with crazy sammy ;)

i'm annoyed by this cycle more than you are

the past two or three weeks have been kind of horrible in my head.  when i started on the new drugs, things seemed better. that kind of degenerated into staying in bed all day and calling in sick and constantly thinking about killing myself.  i went back to the psychiatrist, and after describing things, she told me to back down on the dosage, because apparently they "activate" me.  i would have thought that was a good thing, but i guess not.  basically, i overloaded that bit of my brain, and it reacted by coming up with compulsive thoughts of suicide.

so, i backed off like she said, and picked up the prescription she gave me for another-another drug (this time paxil).  i'm supposed to switch to that one if i feel like things aren't working.  she also suggested that if the suicidal thoughts kept on, i might need a "mild antipsychotic. Not that I think you're psychotic or anything, it's just that sometimes those work better on these specific thoughts."

the good side of things is that i don't have the headaches and other side effects i was getting with the celexa, and my panic attacks seem to have resolved as well.  that happened when i switched to the zoloft, which was a welcome change.  the suicidal stuff kind of made that a bittersweet victory, though.  now i'm feeling better than i have been, so i figured it was time to come back to reality a bit.

well, not reality, i guess.  my blog.  it's almost like reality, just a little bit weirder, maybe.

:) <--actual smile like i have on my face right now.


so, hopefully this will stick around a bit longer, and i won't get frustrated with myself and hide away again.  i can't guarantee that, though, since i've had short bouts of feeling good in the past.  i really want to say thanks to everyone who's left a comment or sent an email or anything.  i'm going to try to get comments responded to tonight, and do emails tomorrow, but if i miss you for some reason, just know that i'm really thankful for all the kind words.

drugs

i'm not sure if it's the changeover in my drugs, or my brain fixing itself, or what exactly.  things seem a bit better today.  here's some update stuff

1. i still haven't heard anything from date girl.  i'm kind of getting the impression that she's not going to contact me again.  that's sucky, but i'm still taking a "whatever, bitch," view on it.  like it's her fault that she didn't want to do more stuff with me.  that's a good thing, i think.
2. sleeping sucks, and remeron is totally not the best drug for me for that.  i tried again last night, and didn't get out of bed until like 2, and had really messed up dreams.  they were not nightmare dreams, though, so that's a plus. :)  i took more for tonight, so we'll see what happens.  i'm too afraid to take it on a work day, because i need to get up earlier than 2 for that.  however, being tired at work is kind of the problem i want to fix.
3. my new drug is zoloft, which seems to have basically the same indications as my old celexa.  i'm switching between them, so my dose of both is half what it was or will be.  i'm noticing a generally better attitude than before, but i kind of had the same thing when i started celexa.  maybe it's all just a placebo effect?
4. my libido seems to be less depressed this past week than it has been for like the past six months.  i'm going to try to get some porn stuffs up in the next post.  i don't think i'll have a theme, just random stuff i found that i want to share.
5. i just want to thank everyone again who's stopped by!

today was weird

i've been trying hard to keep with things. drinking less. eating better. taking my drugs when i'm supposed to.

and i'm not sure if i'm actually getting better, and i'm just not used to it, or if things are starting to work, and the drugs are pushing things way too far.  i wonder this because i spent most of the day in a weird hyperactive state. i don't think it was like proper mania or anything, but after feeling so crap for so long, it was weird to be in a different place, you know?

so anyway, that's kind of an update about how i'm doing.

also, if you're here, you probably should go check out these two deviatnart artists. they're making totally cool stuff.

one more

so

i have all these fetishes

socks
humiliation
bondage
super strict straitjacket bondage
being treated as a pet
being treated as a toilet
being treated as an animal
and then eaten


what if these are just an aspect of the craziness in my brain? what if they aren't real, but just something my brain dreamed up to make it feel complete, and now the celexa is breaking them down into normal things?


anyone?


how does anyone know what's real?

maybe i should do an update

vacation: super helpful at reducing stress and making me less unhappy.
puppy petted during vacation: a large part of that.
increased dose of celexa: made me crazy the first two days, but i'm over that and feeling better most days.
alcohol: cutting back a lot, so i'm not drunk every night.
xanax: magic power pills that take the panic attacks and wipe them away.
libido: better, but still way depressed relative to what it has been in the past (except maybe while i'm asleep?)

so yeah, i feel better than i have for a long time, but i just don't have much of a drive to be posting too much here right now.  i'm trying to get my brain sorted out a bit, and i really think the drugs are helping normalize things so i only have to deal with the fundamental problems, not the stress and anxiety and bullshit that they cascade into.

thanks for sticking with my crazy ass.

Anonymous said...

"that some good news for the most part Sammy ! keep working at it and am sure you will find the solution that is right for you."

yeah, i think so too.  i'm scheduled to talk to the therapist again this week, but last time, we kind of hit on some stuff that maybe should have been obvious to me.  he was all, "did you ever think that you might have a self esteem issue?"

and i was all, "no, that seems silly, of course i don't"

then we went over various things and childhood shit and wow, yeah, i guess maybe i do

then i got home, and thought, "damn, maybe feeling like i want to be someone's toilet, or tied up in a bitchsuit and treated as a pet should have been a tip-off, huh?"  then i kind of felt dumb for a bit.


mind you, it's not that that stuff doesn't still totally turn me on, because it does.  i'll post more once i start feeling better enough, and get some libido back.


dIRTBAG72 said...

"Great news :) Eventually I'm sure you can be both healthier and enjoy making this blog! You don't need to be crazy to be a pervert you know, just a bit weird ;)"

lol, yeah, i know.  i think that no matter what, the weird is totally going to stick around with me.

feeling less crazy

another update, yeah?

i've been sticking with the meds, and pretty much as advertised, they've helped significantly.  i don't feel quite as hopeless in my everyday life, and since they make me sleepy, i go to sleep earlier and drink less and even though i wake up super tired, i'm getting up at a normal time most days.

so it seems to be making me less crazy after all.

i'm not saying i'm all cured or anything, because i still kind of think about suicide every day.  it really is a big change though.  instead of before, where it kind of seemed like the only way out of this all, it's a lot less persistent. it's more of a suggestion, like "hey, wouldn't that left arm look way cooler all cut up and bleedy?"

and that's WAY easier to ignore, if you've never had to deal with it.

unfortunately, the side effects are totally shit.  the fatigue i mentioned above, i'm always thirsty, my eyes feel like fcuking sandpaper most days because they're dry too, certain private areas are also moisture challengended, but that's largely due to the fact that my libido is basically zero since i've been taking this stuff.

which, yeah, that sucks, but without the desire, it doesn't feel like much of a loss? does that make sense?

so anyway, woo chemistry for making my  brain less suck.  less woo for the fact that i know this isn't really a great solution, and it'd be better to train my brain to be less meh about everything. i guess that's what therapy is for?

woo drugs?

so i talked with my regular doctor today, and she was all, "whoa, I got this mail from your therapist, and apparently you're crazy!?"

"oh, yeah...sorry."

"he says you want to try drugs to see if that helps?"

"yeah...cause, you know.......yeah."

"ok, let's hook you up right now, and get this going, because they maybe take time to get going, and omg I never realized you had suicidal thoughts"

"i try to hide them"

"but anyway, let's get the drug bus going! Yay!"

"yay?"

so now i'm taking drugs.  everyone (therapist, doctor, pharmacist, internet) all claimed that "oh, you should watch out for drowsiness, because that's super common." doctor and therapist both claimed that that was a good thing, as it'd help me sleep better.

but now it's almost two, and i kind of can't make my eyes stay shut.

anyway, i was looking online for side effects, and found this page: http://www.join-the-fun.com/celexa-side-effects.html. i'm pretty sure they're not real doctors, they're just anti-drug people.  whatever. the thing i like is that they list the frequent side effects of this drug.  Including:

"mouth"

HOLY SHIT! i'm going to have to deal with having "mouth"?

yes, i know they meant dry mouth, duh.  still. sometimes when everything kind of feels like shit, little stupid things like this make me smile and feel a bit better.

then again, that might just be me having a mouth.

so, just so you know, being crazy isn't really that fun

yesterday i went to my new doctor appointment, and after listening to a boring dvd about the difference between psychiatrists and psychologists (and, ignore all that, because i'm getting a social worker instead), i finally got to talk.

and really, for like the first time in months, i kind of had the feeling that someone actually gave a fuck about me, and wanted to try to make my brain not want to kill me.

which, when you think about it, is probably a good thing.

there were some things i'm not sure he picked up on, but we talked for an hour and a half, and i could get a lot of the shit that weighs down on me off my chest, and he didn't care that we were probably only supposed to talk for an hour or any crap like that.

so, maybe, possibly, i've found someone who can make me not hate myself so much, and we can try to work through all this shit and make me a functional human being again.  that'd be great, because dealing with the side effects of feeling worthless and suicidal is kind of terrible.

i have two new appointments made, and he wants to keep that up, so we always have a month of sessions planned out. he also told me that if i freak him out too much, he's calling the cops and locking me in the room until they arrive to take me to the hospital. i guess that's good, because it pretty much means that if he thinks i'm too close to killing myself, he's going to take over and force me into a stricter "stop being crazy" treatment.  again, probably a good thing.

thanks again for dealing with my shit, everyone. thanks to danny for remembering my birthday, although i'm not big into the astrology stuff, thanks anyway. it's good to know that someone is out there remembering me and wishing i could fight my demons and get my brain right. thanks a lot. Really.

thanks to joe for being a douche. shall we quote your email, dick-face?:

"u are so hot what u need is to be with a man who is as filthy and crazy as you are
then you wont feel depressed and like there is something wrong with you.
get to know me. im real and into shit and piss and peversions as much as you are"

yes, thanks.  i'm sure that all i really need is a "man" to fuck me into sanity. that's wonderful help. maybe after that, you can stab me until this cough goes away? that seems to me to about the same level of therapy.

as for james, simone, miguel, lee, and mr. anonymous who all left supportive comments: thanks a lot. i really want to try to get better. it's people like you who come here and see the perverted shit i post and still think, "hey, this girl needs help. let's try to get her back on her feet so she feels good about herself, and then she can do whatever she wants." that's a great improvement over the people who just want me to suck it up, post porn so they can jack off, and if that makes me want to die, who cares, because i'm just some replaceable slut. i hope you have the bestest lives ever. you're really the best people i've met on this journey. i hope i can sort my shit out so we can all masturbate to super perverted shit again, like in the old days.