it sucks i have to do this in an incognito window

 but otherwise i can't log in to blogger.

and i'm about to do a new story, so.

god FUCKING damnit

how is it that every thing is 9000 times more difficult than it should be?

"oh, i'm extra horny, let's buy some toys."

1. order vibe, but it's magically "backordered" the moment i order.  "maybe you'll get it by may?"
2. order dildo, it arrives, but it's too big, and is kind of painful.  that's on me, you just have to accept things might not be exactly like you hoped.  it's at least squishy, so it's not as bad as it could be.
3. vibe arrives, but whoopsie, it's not the one i ordered, it's some fucking ass vibe, which i'm pretty sure i would have ordered a better one if that's what i was looking for, but no, that was not fucking what i was looking for.

so i guess the lesson is, "just order shit from amazon, because amazon at least doesn't fuck things up so much."

fuck everything.  i hate the world.

fucking christ, people

wake up, check mail, flood of annoying bullshit.

dude who keeps pestering me to "blackmail" him somehow?  check.  dude, i don't care about you, and i'm not sure "reads my shitty porn blog" is something i can blackmail you with.  i'd have to find your friends and family, and research shit, and fuck it.  i have neither the time nor the motivation to set up the stupidest hobby in the world.  

another random marketing jerk wanting me to promote a product on my blog?  check.  these i just don't understand.  if i want to get people interested in my shitty "screen capture software" ('P.S. Don't change text in the link. It should be "Screen Capture Software"', fuck you jenny.  fuck you and fuck your capital letters.), i'd probably find someone who had ever in their life mentioned screen capture software.  and if i do put in the link, i get a free copy?  woo!  according to the review i found, "I think that it is just a Russian scam."  but just imagine all the things i could do with "screen capture software".  i could put up videos of me typing out my next story, only to end the video with me deleting everything because i don't like it.  wouldn't that be fun?

another notice from that one twitter bot that keeps following and unfollowing me so they can follow me again?  check.  this seems like if they added a feature to my fridge that would have it periodically beep sadly until i went over and pet it.  you're not a real person, so stop being so needy.

so. hey. here's me again, on this side of drunk.

the side you expect i'm on.  if you're over here too, then, hey, cool.  thanks for your support.

tonight i was working late.  my boss stopped by, "goodnight, sammy"

"gnight"

the screech of shoes on the floor.

"oh, did you get the email about the telecon at 9pm tonight?"

"what?  no?"

"yeah.  we're doing a telecon tonight at 9.  on skype"

"i don't have a skype."

"so send me your skype when you login."

"what?"

so, too long stupid short, fuck you, boss.

i'm not going to fuck up my evening to call in to some shit ass telecon you couldn't be bothered to tell me about until two hours before it happens.  just

omg

fuck you so fucking hard.


christ, why are you such a fucking jackass?

dear old dude at the checkout lane,

yeah, i saw how you tried to use your papa john's club card as your grocery club card.  that told me you eat shitty pizza made by that jack ass's company.  that told me a lot about you right there.

"you must like that tea.  is it any good?"  wow.  you're like sherlock fucking holmes here.  i'm buying six bottles of tea.  what made you think that i like it?  is it the six of them sitting there, all together, with me buying it?

and no, it's shitty tea.  that's why i buy it.  because if i'm going to drink something, and drink six of them, i'm going to get something that sucks.  because that's super smart.

"yeah" is what i said.  "meh.  i'm trying to drink tea now instead of vodka so i am less likely to wake up in a puddle of bloody vomit someday.  not that i'm super into not dying, just that if you wake up in a puddle of bloody vomit, you're probably going to have to clean it up, and that's going to suck.  so yeah.  i'm buying six bottles of tea now, because that seems healthier to me" is what i meant.

i thought we had some sort of rule that you're not allowed to talk to people in the checkout lane about what they're buying.  so that means if someone's buying a bunch of toilet paper, you don't say something like, "oh, planning on taking a shit today?"  or if someone's buying the stereotypical condoms and long vegetables, they can just look embarrassed quietly without any weird conversations.

i saw what you were buying guy.  there was nothing for that cheese to go with.  were you planning on working on your night cheese, old dude?

this was going to be combined with that museum thing from earlier, but i didn't, so now it's a different thing.

first thing:  drinking tea to go to sleep is not the same as drinking vodka.  first difference: you don't cough as much drinking tea.  second difference: all the teas taste different, even when you restrict yourself to variations of green tea with honey.  third difference: i don't get snacky hungry as much at night.  fourth difference: i wake up at the time when the sun is like "Hey!  Let's be friends!"  no, sun.  i don't want to be your friend, because it's like ass oclock in the morning.  fifth difference: i may be a bit grumpier than before.  sixth difference: not drinking for 11 days feels pretty much the same as not drinking for 1 day.  or drinking for 11 days.  i guess i'm saying this one isn't much of a difference.


second thing: i'm a bit burned out on writing.  i've tried to work on three different stories, and i've put together about one sentence total.  i think i'm just going to take a break and try again after thanksgiving.  one main issue is that i just don't know where i want to go with "exhibition."  do i want to do more romantic stuff?  do i want to skip that and push back to weird torture-y bondage stuff?  can i figure out a way to mush them together and do both?  all the other big multipart stories i read seem like they have a plan and an running theme that they're working towards.  i just slap my fingers at the keyboard and churn out whatever my brain comes up with that day, without any concern about how to tie it to the future.


third thing: i think if someone sends me two emails in 24 hours, the second of which is "you didn't respond, so i'm going to say the same things again, pointing out how you didn't respond the first time," i'm either going to ignore that person forever, or i'll wait for the inevitable third email and then point out that i thought they were kind of a creeper way back at the first email, but i wanted to be polite and not bring that up.  also, if you're that guy, i'm totally talking about you right now.

dear italy,

i didn't forget my login to my blog.

so you're just trying to steal it from me somehow.  because you're a jerk, i guess.  stop being a jerk, you jerk.

i'm just doing my thing here, and not being mean to anyone, and you're all "let's try and steal sammy's blog.  because we're bored, maybe."


stop it, don't do that, go get a real hobby.  pet some cats or something.


fucking jerks.

hey

i'm chatting at you.

why aren't you sending me pictures?

you should be cooler, because you like scat.

are those pics coming?

shut up, i'm telling you how cool i am.  i'm super cool.

now you're being a bitch by telling me how much i'm not being nice.  why are you such a fucking bitch?

my dick is huge.  you'd choke on it all night long.

where are those pics?

why do you think you can chat at me?  shut up you stupid cunt!  bitches like you should be raped to sleep!