a new chapter

An Unhappy Day.

i'm about to go on vacation this weekend, so either i put up what i have done, or it sits for another two weeks.

i don't know why chapter 2s are always so hard for me to get through.  we'll see if the third chapter can get done in a reasonable amount of time.

ugh

i'm supposed to be putting together a stupid presentation for work, because i didn't finish it last week.

instead i just spent like two hours reading comics by the guy who did nana to kaoru.  not the actual chapters of that that i haven't read yet ("you're supposed to be working, and you're like 8 chapters behind") so instead i read 25 volumes of other stories.

and the one i was kind of enjoying ends, and they're not together anymore, and now i'm grumpy due to not having a satisfying happy ending.  :(

i know it probably all works out in the end, and the comic ends with them happy and everything's wonderful, and that i have to be patient because someone has to get the japanese version, translate it, stick in the english words instead of the japanese words, and then upload it somewhere so i can read it, and that's not automatic, but i'm still grumpy.

grump.

i liked this story.

"Its all about socks".  unfinished versions of unfinished pages.

you should probably check the labels to see if this is the kind of story you want to read too.  i've been in an off mood recently, and this clicked with me.

so, hey. things.

i have a tumblr.  not that one.  a secret private one for just me.  and i follow a lot of people.  and sometimes i look at it, and wonder why i follow some of the people i do.  so i look at their stuff.  and it's all a lot of sad, depressing things.

i'm sorry you feel that way, tumblr person.  i will never unfollow you, because i'm there with you, trying my best to keep the crazy thoughts in my brain from killing me.

sorry i'm crazy.

drunk jerk sammy was right that i should apologize again.  she's a bitch on a lot of other things.

yes, i went to the emergency room.  yes, it was because i did something stupid.  no, i did not try to kill myself.  and yes, i don't want to talk about it ever again.  i was fine, i could drive myself there, and i apologized to everyone for making them deal with me and my stupid shit.

i am apparently healthy.  i lost five pounds since last time i went to the doctor, and according to the tests i had to do, my liver is "normal" and not "wtf are you doing?"  so drinking tea is a good thing if you have a serious problem with social anxiety and use vodka to deal with that.  even if you sometimes pour vodka into your tea.  you're mostly drinking tea, so it's better than just a bunch of vodka.  yay.

i plan to take the trash out tomorrow.  or organize the trash.  i think i need to do a bag or two each week.  that should keep me out of the bad zone.

i have like 200 things in my tumblr queue now.  i want to try to keep things in it, so there's a stream of things there.  not like my reblogging is important.  it isn't.  i'm just looking at junk and saying, "hey, i like that, too bad my brain is junk."

too bad my brain is junk.

i almost wrote some today.  very nearly got writing accomplished.  i'm afraid it can only happen on three day weekends now.  like that is the only way to destress enough to put my thoughts together.  that's shitty.  i need to work on how much i hate my life.


did you read Mr. Sador's "The Right Track"?  that's the latest, so you should go back and read the other parts.  i've been enjoying that this past week or two.

i have other stories i need to read eventually.  i am bad at this entire aspect of my life.

also responding to people.  is it too late to respond if your brain fucked up for a month between receiving and responding to the message?  please let me know.  i feel like i should respond, but i don't want to look like a jerk.


sorry i'm not as good as i wish i could be.  sorry i have to hide a lot of the time to keep myself me.  sorry i have to apologize for the me i have to be.

sorry.

new year, new post, same old crazy

hey.

i wonder if anyone else feels like they've just stepped onto a stage in some sort of bar or club or restaurant or someplace like that, but seriously i've never really been to a place with a stage, so i'm making things up. when they write a blog post.  ok.  so i fucked that joke up.  i'm off to a great start at this.

i have a bunch of things i want to say, and although i've been coping well this past week, it's always easier to wait until the weekend when i can drink and let myself be free to do so.  because that joke i fucked up.  right?  you get what i'm going with?

ok, thing 1:  i did more doctor stuffs, and the doctor sent me an email with the instructions "avoid alcohol, eat healthy, exercise more."  so, i'm lying here in bed, kind of drunk, and i have a sleeve of poptarts that i'm totally going to eat in a few minutes.  you're not the boss of me, doctor jerkface.

thing 2:  i need to go back to therapy.  this leads to point 3, so

point 3:  going on vacation for the holidays was super healthy.  ish.  things that were good: three year olds are kind of 50/50 jerks and super cute.  she punched me in the face, and was sent to the corner, prompting her to cry and scream.  she was told she had to apologize to me, and so she fell to the floor to cry and scream some more.  "do you want to watch your animal show?"  "yes."  ANIMAL SHOW TIME.  "i'm sorry i punched you."

and then your heart melts and you just want to give huggy squeezes to that tiny jerk.  it's this kind of moment that makes me regret my "maybe let's not have kids, ok?" plan.  not that i have partners for a kid plan anyway, but whatever.  little kids are cute when you don't have to clean up after them.

things that were less good:  "yeah, so if he doesn't shape up, i think i'm just going to divorce him.  she'll live with me, since i'm more capable than him.  i figure i'll just find a sex friend and that'll replace him."  not what i was expecting.  is he a kind of lazy unemployed dude?  yes.  does he not shower as much as i think people should shower?  yes, but he totally did that before they married too.  do i feel super weird when she's not there and it's just the two of us, and we have to try and pretend we're friends independently, when we both know we're not?  duh.  still, i don't htink them getting divorced is the best strategy (which is, obviously, him not being dumb and getting a job and being productive and shit).  "couldn't you be the sex friend, sammy?"  ew.  ick.  no.  she's like my sister, you creepo.  "sammy, you're totally on the elsanna ship, and they're sisters."  but not like my sister.

it's like i shoot ice into the hearts of everyone around me, and i'm afraid i'd do that to people i care about if we had a relationship.  does that make sense?

things that were unexpected: "so...yeah, i think i might see about going back to therapy.  i've kind of felt depressed recently."  "oh?  really?  you think?  which part of 'i'm a grumpy muffin about everything that doesn't involve puppies' tipped you off?"  i guess i put off depressed vibes in real life too.

"should we call your people now and set up an appointment for you?"  "uh...no...i'll do it when i get home."  "are you sure?  we could do it now, we're not doing anything else."  "yeah, it's ok."  "ok, but let me know when you've done it, so i can stop reminding you."  i'm...i'm really not used to having someone point out my mental issues, kindly assure me that they're on my side, and then try to get me to sign up with a therapist while they can watch and help.  this is weird to me.  i still haven't made the appointment, but she keeps reminding me, and isn't going to stop until i do it.

honestly, i've been so long without friends who are helpful and interested in helping me not be crazy, that having someone come out and do that is weird.  i wish i could fix my social anxiety enough to make this a common occurrence.


but really, who calls someone a "grumpy muffin"?  really.  that was what she called me.  "grumpy muffin."

thing 5:  you maybe didn't see it, but Key, or the collective known as Key, or the blog with stories you should totally be reading because it's great (if confusing, but still great) did an Eroticas Rehabilitas where she reads stories and fixes how things went wrong at the end.  for me, of the Exhibition stories.  the that me, that's the fiction me.  except not to fix things, because i'm trying really hard to make exhibition not the same lame "and then the cage was welded shut forevers.  FOREVERS!"

first, the erotica rehabilitas stories are brilliant, and if you're here, you should go read them.  unless you wrote them.  then, just, like....bask, i guess.

second, i forgot, but it was probably self deprecating.  i try not to be a jerk about things, which is why i'm so awesome, right?

stuff 5:  i really want to get the last known part written this weekend.  i think i have a clear gap of almost-sanity available to write it, and even though it's kind of zero sex, and the conflict is pretty lame, i want to get it done, and see what my brain comes up with to follow it.

yes, there's that story.

and that one, but you never fleshed it out.  "ON A FARM" isn't an outline, sammy.  that's three fucking words.  put some effort into it.


thanks for reading all this nonsense.  i'm going to try and see if 2015 can be a better year than 2014.  and i'm going to try to write more if i can.  i just want to be better than i feel i am.

so maybe sitting around all day looking at porn isn't the most productive thing

like forever ago, i posted this thing, which is by sumomo dou.

and then today i read all the stuff that's in english, and some of the stuff that isn't.

this is a good one, without as much of the weirder grosser stuff that shows up a lot.

can't sleep, clown will eat me

so i'm back from vacation.  going on vacation where you go see friends and family and do all sorts of not your regular stuff is great.  you can be all "oh, i don't care what we have for dinner, i'm super flexible," because like, you don't have to slog out to the store to buy hard-ass cali rolls from safeway, because you got home and didn't have anything to eat in your fridge.

ok, that got super depressing way faster than i planned.

anyway, vacation was good, i enjoyed not having to think everyday, and i enjoyed playing with all the cute toddlers that i'm apparently never going to make.

there's the depression again.  sorry.

but seriously, little kids are great.  they're all like "mama, snack?"  and when she says no, they come to you, and are like "whatever, you're a fucking grown up, right?  snack?"  and then you sneak a few chips, because you're not like a monster, right?

but now i'm back going to work, and i could feel my body tense up this morning when i woke up, knowing i had to go back to the same shit as usual.  the good thing?  i went on vacation when the stuff i was working on wasn't finished.  so my boss took it over.  "this is way harder than i thought it would be." fucking THANK YOU.  i've been trying to get that point across for months now.

sigh.

so, here's how things are right now:

1. i hate not having vacation all the time.
2. why do my parents get that channel, but i don't?  my condo is switching cable stuff next month, so i guess i'll get digital cable for free or something, but i'll have missed this whole marathon thing  by then.
3. i still need to finish that story.  i hoped i could write it on vacation.  i had too many ovary-feels to do that.
4. if i could convince myself that i'd be sane all the time, it'd be great to have my own family with babies and stuff.  as it is, i'm pretty sure making a baby and then dealing with it and my everyday crazy would be bad for everyone involved.
5. did everyone see that Mr. Veterinarian has a new picture?  well, a few pictures, but only one is drawn.  the comment says it's old, but who really cares?  Mr. Veterinarian.  doing art.  for everyone to go look at and enjoy.
6. i saw all the stuff in my news stuff, so i guess everyone else did too about the robin williams stuff.  stuff.  but like, i really think we should all just accept that at some point, people just can't deal with living anymore.  yes, it's sad, but making some one live a life they're not happy with day after day just doesn't seem like it's the right thing to do.  like locking a puppy in a tiny cage and never letting it out.
7. no, i'm not as suicidal as i have been in the past, i'm just regular sad.  so stop being a worrier.

i stumbled across this author

and read the "Sow Primer" series, and i will probably have to go read some more of his stuff.

approved!

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i liked this story

Andrea and the Changing Friendship.

i didn't read the earlier two parts, so i'll need to go back and do that.

it's a good story.

i thought this was a good story

Rolling in to Trouble
by Druid5

it's a bit scattered, and maybe could have had some more development on things, but as a series of scenes and scenarios, it's pretty good.

i don't have time to read these tonight

but if figured i'd share, so if other people are interested.  again, i haven't read any of them (other than the first one), so i don't know if they're good yet.  they just looked interesting, and i started clicking them into new tabs, and now there are so many tabs open, and i need to get to bed soonish.  so if you read them, and really liked one or really hated one, let me know, and i'll read that one too.

it's like a book club.

• pets
• Life of Dog
• Volunteer Breeding
• K9
• Seeing Eye Dog
• Girl Hunt
• The Law Of A Strange Land
• CAGE.2
• the Collection Gallery
• Sex Education
• enema/scat
• Brainwashing Process
• Brainwashing Process 2
• Cute Toys
• Kichikuno Ori Gallery
• Haisetsu -Enema-
• real/manga combo, but also scat based?
• Hitoduma eros vol. 4 
• Hitoduma eros vol. 8
• hitoduma eros vol.5
• hitoduma eros vol.9
• Hitoduma eros vol. 2
• Hitoduma eros vol. 6
• momoyama jirou

random blargle

hopefully people liked that last story.  if you didn't, then too bad, because i think i have two sequels in my head.  it just kind of flows easily, unlike a lot of other stories i've tried to restart and finish, so that's how it goes.

while i was planning the next part, i remembered another writer, who kind of covers a lot of the same kind of themes, although not really in the same way i was going to do it.  in any case, this Blair Brek archive has a bunch (all?) of her stories so you can read them.

finally, i saw this news story today, about this lady in california who had a bunch of plastic surgery and is now doing hypnotherapy to be more like a bimbo.  which i guess fits in with the themes in a lot of those Blair Brek stories.  it's kind of a shame, because i really think she was prettier before the surgery.  anyway, it's kind of weird to see someone actually doing what i've read about in stories.

this is totally off topic, but go with it, ok?

last weekend, after various internet things prompted me, i went to go see Frozen, by Disney.  have you seen it?  ok.  so, stop now, and go out and see it, because that shit is fucking perfect.  name a disney movie.  No, that sucks, you're wrong, Frozen is better.  Want some proof?

if you didn't love that, go away and never look at me again.  that's a kind of freedom and beauty i can only wish i could channel.

a) she's beautiful
b) she's ok with who she is
c) she doesn't care what you think about that.

you got a problem?

because there's this part of my brain that says share

go watch this video:

it's super cute, and not really super kinky, but kind of so, so like... something...

things to watch out for:

rolled up sock.  like she's wearing the sock, but all the top bit is rolled into a ring.  i totally did that when i was little, and said, "i'm robin", from batman, right?  i had a pair of green socks that i did that with a lot.  maybe that's a sign this sock thing is genetic?

panda hat.  no reason.  just a super cute panda hat.

can't sleep and OMGOMGOMG!

did you see Mr. Veterinarian's last piece of art?

it maybe stars a certain kinky sammy!

OMG!

i can't believe that he would really want to draw someone like me....i need to make sure he has good references for next time.


and maybe sort out a proper story for that picture....

i would love to be in that suit...to have that nose snuffling my snufflables... :-P

MR. VETERINARIAN!

He has new stuff!

go look!

poke around, because i just linked to one, and i think he has like three new ones now!

thank you for making new things, Mr. Veterinarian!  i love everything you do!

:D

OMG GO CLICKY NOW!

go read this!

sunstone

he uploaded pdf files of all the comics in order so it's easy to read!
:)

story time

mostly because i'm sick of remembering a story, and then losing the link and having to search for random terms until i find it again.  so, anyway, here are a bunch of stories i can never remember the titles of, but like a bunch and wanted to share.  also some other stories i found today that looked good, but i maybe haven't read all the way through.

My Life as a Dog.  i think this is one of the first petplay stories i ever read, and even though it's sadly unfinished, it still turns me on.  the description of being treated as an animal while everyone else is still human is great.

The Stables. kind of a neat little willing transformation story i found.  again, humiliation is kind of a big part of the mood.

High Heeled Hell.  this is a messier, more violent story, but when i first read it years ago, it really turned me on in the same way that dolcett's images do.

Cannibal 4H. same thing with this one.  messy and violent, but with something that really tweaks my mind.

Jasmine's Lament. a bit of violence in this one, but mostly a wonderful story of selfbondage/pony training that gets out of hand.  i like the idea of selfbondage that is so strict, it's impossible to get out, and basically makes you a slave to your idea.

Sister Victoria's Secret.  a cop goes undercover to stop criminals.  she has to pretend her partner is her mom to fool them.  a story i read once, and then lost (today's post is partially prompted by this one).

Debbie Visits a Spanish Mental Hospital. i remember reading this before, and liking it, but i don't remember any details right now.  i guess i need to read it again.

Nurse Joy in Trouble.  another that i read around the same time as the previous one.  joy is trapped in an abandoned psych ward by other nurses, and is bound and humiliated.  fun times. ;)


Kim's Tail.  ex-wives go to collect their inheritance on a tropical island, and get enslaved by automated training cells and turned into pony/puppy/pet girls.  another story i can never remember the title of.

is anyone else reading this?

in this comment, Mr. Veterinarian pointed me toward the Nana and Kaoru comic. Thank you very much, Mr. Veterinarian!

i've been pretty much hooked on it ever since, sneaking in chapters when ever i can.  i've basically spent all of today reading it, and i'm just now like halfway through it, i guess.

it's super well written, with realistic feelings and personalities and generally the same kind of things i've thought before, but couldn't put into real words.  it's also totally the kind of relationship i wish i could find, although i've shouted "just kiss already!" at the screen like a bunch of times already.

anyway, i just wanted to say how much i love this comic, and wish it would be published here.  ok, time to eat something (because i totally lost track of time) and then get back to reading chapter 38.5!