new year, new post, same old crazy

hey.

i wonder if anyone else feels like they've just stepped onto a stage in some sort of bar or club or restaurant or someplace like that, but seriously i've never really been to a place with a stage, so i'm making things up. when they write a blog post.  ok.  so i fucked that joke up.  i'm off to a great start at this.

i have a bunch of things i want to say, and although i've been coping well this past week, it's always easier to wait until the weekend when i can drink and let myself be free to do so.  because that joke i fucked up.  right?  you get what i'm going with?

ok, thing 1:  i did more doctor stuffs, and the doctor sent me an email with the instructions "avoid alcohol, eat healthy, exercise more."  so, i'm lying here in bed, kind of drunk, and i have a sleeve of poptarts that i'm totally going to eat in a few minutes.  you're not the boss of me, doctor jerkface.

thing 2:  i need to go back to therapy.  this leads to point 3, so

point 3:  going on vacation for the holidays was super healthy.  ish.  things that were good: three year olds are kind of 50/50 jerks and super cute.  she punched me in the face, and was sent to the corner, prompting her to cry and scream.  she was told she had to apologize to me, and so she fell to the floor to cry and scream some more.  "do you want to watch your animal show?"  "yes."  ANIMAL SHOW TIME.  "i'm sorry i punched you."

and then your heart melts and you just want to give huggy squeezes to that tiny jerk.  it's this kind of moment that makes me regret my "maybe let's not have kids, ok?" plan.  not that i have partners for a kid plan anyway, but whatever.  little kids are cute when you don't have to clean up after them.

things that were less good:  "yeah, so if he doesn't shape up, i think i'm just going to divorce him.  she'll live with me, since i'm more capable than him.  i figure i'll just find a sex friend and that'll replace him."  not what i was expecting.  is he a kind of lazy unemployed dude?  yes.  does he not shower as much as i think people should shower?  yes, but he totally did that before they married too.  do i feel super weird when she's not there and it's just the two of us, and we have to try and pretend we're friends independently, when we both know we're not?  duh.  still, i don't htink them getting divorced is the best strategy (which is, obviously, him not being dumb and getting a job and being productive and shit).  "couldn't you be the sex friend, sammy?"  ew.  ick.  no.  she's like my sister, you creepo.  "sammy, you're totally on the elsanna ship, and they're sisters."  but not like my sister.

it's like i shoot ice into the hearts of everyone around me, and i'm afraid i'd do that to people i care about if we had a relationship.  does that make sense?

things that were unexpected: "so...yeah, i think i might see about going back to therapy.  i've kind of felt depressed recently."  "oh?  really?  you think?  which part of 'i'm a grumpy muffin about everything that doesn't involve puppies' tipped you off?"  i guess i put off depressed vibes in real life too.

"should we call your people now and set up an appointment for you?"  "uh...no...i'll do it when i get home."  "are you sure?  we could do it now, we're not doing anything else."  "yeah, it's ok."  "ok, but let me know when you've done it, so i can stop reminding you."  i'm...i'm really not used to having someone point out my mental issues, kindly assure me that they're on my side, and then try to get me to sign up with a therapist while they can watch and help.  this is weird to me.  i still haven't made the appointment, but she keeps reminding me, and isn't going to stop until i do it.

honestly, i've been so long without friends who are helpful and interested in helping me not be crazy, that having someone come out and do that is weird.  i wish i could fix my social anxiety enough to make this a common occurrence.


but really, who calls someone a "grumpy muffin"?  really.  that was what she called me.  "grumpy muffin."

thing 5:  you maybe didn't see it, but Key, or the collective known as Key, or the blog with stories you should totally be reading because it's great (if confusing, but still great) did an Eroticas Rehabilitas where she reads stories and fixes how things went wrong at the end.  for me, of the Exhibition stories.  the that me, that's the fiction me.  except not to fix things, because i'm trying really hard to make exhibition not the same lame "and then the cage was welded shut forevers.  FOREVERS!"

first, the erotica rehabilitas stories are brilliant, and if you're here, you should go read them.  unless you wrote them.  then, just, like....bask, i guess.

second, i forgot, but it was probably self deprecating.  i try not to be a jerk about things, which is why i'm so awesome, right?

stuff 5:  i really want to get the last known part written this weekend.  i think i have a clear gap of almost-sanity available to write it, and even though it's kind of zero sex, and the conflict is pretty lame, i want to get it done, and see what my brain comes up with to follow it.

yes, there's that story.

and that one, but you never fleshed it out.  "ON A FARM" isn't an outline, sammy.  that's three fucking words.  put some effort into it.


thanks for reading all this nonsense.  i'm going to try and see if 2015 can be a better year than 2014.  and i'm going to try to write more if i can.  i just want to be better than i feel i am.