i can't even

here's the reference, if you don't get it.

so like this past week i've had like ten people tell me how cool i am.

no.

stop that.

listen:  i almost deleted this and my tumblr, and my everything i could think of, on wednesday.  i was pretty sure i was going to figure out which kitchen knife was sharp enough, and end it.

which, yeah, ok.  that's fucked up, and i should go to therapy.

i know that.  if you've told your boss you need three days off to talk to therapists, let me know how that worked for you.  because i know i need therapy.  duh.  i'm suicidal pretty much all the time.

"but, sammy, we love you and your stories!"

stop it.  seriously.  you don't help when you say things like this.  i know it's dumb, and it sounds stupid to normal people.  i can't deal with positive feedback.  stop it.  my brain is kind of constantly pumping out goads to tell me that i should kill myself because i'm stupid and useless.

having people respond and be "i love you sammy!" makes me even more depressed, because i have to live in the world i actually live in, and my apartment is full of trash, and i think everyone is mocking me.

so

ok.

i have like nine messages i need to respond to with "please, no, sorry, i'm a fuckup.  sorry!"

can i ask this, instead?

if you want to be supportive, or like, "i like your shit.  it's not terrible shit.  decent enough shit, i guess".

tell me a fact about an animal.

i don't care what it is, or which animal.  like, i look at cat videos, or tiger videos, or alpaca videos, and i really calm down.  otter videos!

that fucker doesn't care that i kind of want to eat an asshole while it's shitting.  it just wants to eat yummy food and do what it thinks is right, and doesn't want to be a jerk about it.

that would be so easy.  fucking animals and their "sorry, didn't make civilization because even if it makes disease less likely, it's kind of a pain in the ass."


i'm really super sorry.  i wish i could put up a good position so people could enjoy me, but that doesn't work.  i'm not blaming you at all, so don't get worried about that.  i know this is me being a jerk about other people.  i'm bad at this.

sorry again.

i will try to respond to messages.  i'm just.  here.  there.  not being able to.  this.

<me.  gesturing at everything everywhere.>

this?

sorry.

(a lot.  sorry)