So. How you doing?

me?  oh, what?

how am i doing?

pffst.

whatever.

you know.  "feeling like cutting"

as you do, right?

lol!

yay!



ok, but seriously, yeah.  that's how i'm feeling tonight.  which is kind of a shitty shit storm of shit cakes.

but here's a thing that i've come to the conclusion on:

i think me writing stories is a proxy for therapy.

i'm not at all saying it's a good proxy, or that i shouldn't go back to therapy.  i'm just saying that my brain has apparently decided it can work some shit out if i make really perverted fiction.

so.  like.  three cheers for my brain being that kinky, i guess.

here's the theory:

it's all about Exhibition.  Annie represents the me i put out day-to-day.  She's the "fuck all this shit, we have to earn the money so we don't starve to death" bit of my brain.  you never see her, because she's the me i try not to put here.  Sammy is the me that i am here.  the fucked up moron that pretty much just wants someone to tell her she's fine the way she is, and sometimes pet her head and reassure her she's not the fuck up she's scared of being.

basically, i think i write stories so the part of my brain that's confident can tell the other part that's scared about everything that it's not so bad, and it'll be ok.

but, maybe that scared bit has to obey the confident part all the time always, because that's the part that is distilling sheer panic into action.  i suspect this is why i've had three ideas for Annie crying in the past few days.  i think that part of my brain is really panicking and over-worked, and it just wants someone to hug it back.  i'm sorry, Annie-brain.  i'll try to support you better!


so.  yeah.  the psychological things you come up with when you write porn, and then try to figure out why porn story A is so much easier to write than porn story B.


i will get back to spa treatment, although i'm thinking i may break it up into parts 2a and 2b.  Exhibition: B was half the size of what i expect spa 2 to be, and i think that may be why it's taking so long.  write something until it's done, get it out, then move on to later bits.  i can submit only "full" parts to the story sites when i'm happy with them, but i can do smaller bits on the blog faster.  then, it's less of a burden to edit, and it can get out, and it's not like a three hour thing to prrofread.


also:  here's the secret about the title:




i couldn't come up with the best title.

"Birthday" was the obvious title, and that's what the file on my computer is called.  but, that gives it away.

"Begging" steals (what i hope) is a funny reveal.  if you know the title is that, and you read the description, maybe you're not as dumb as sammy is.

"Boredom" sucks.  i talk about how sammy's bored, but it's not so much a major theme.

so they're all b-words, so that's the title of the story.  B.  birthday is the correct title, i guess, but we'll only use that if i magically become some famous writer who gets books published.

which, like, is never going to happen.