Saturday, September 13, 2025

so

not been going very well, has it?

just in case it wasn't 100% clear: if you hate trans people, you can fuck off.  i hate you, i will hate you forever, i hope you explode in a cloud of bees.

if you voted for this fascist idiot, you can also fuck off and explode in bees, etc, etc.

blah, blah, hands waving, you can figure out the rest of the details.

restarted another antidepressant, because the world has been pretty depressant lately.  also started to realize that i've apparently missed a lot of weird interactions just because i'm so incredibly aromantic that it just never occurred to me that someone was being creepy.

still have stories, but getting them out of the brain has always been hard, but it's increasingly hard as i get older.  depression is part of it, but i was depressed in high school, and that was one of my peak outputs.  no you cannot read those.

anyway now i can log in again like it was in the old days, so maybe i'll be more vocal.

Saturday, May 6, 2023

it's not really lucid dreaming, i don't think

but the past two nights, i've woken up, ignored an alarm, gone back to sleep, and had what can only be labeled something like "guided interactive storytelling" or something like that.  the first night wasn't as good (zombies and military conspiracy things, and clearly my brain was working through something).

but last night was super weird and feels like the kind of thing I'd have had the energy to turn into a full story in the past.  i'm putting some of it under a cut, so check tags and make sure you're ok with things before you click through.


the story works in three "seasons," like it's a television show or something.

season 1:

we've been sent to a observation base somewhere in the ocean, and are going to be left there to take care of the place and run the observations (of something, idk).  i arrive early, with an actual friend from work (we're going with "Beth" for her name here, b/c it isn't).  we get the initial training, and know that we have to constantly keep an eye out for people trying to break in, and also there are sirens (from mythology) who want to break in as well, and can disguise themselves.  those are the basic rules, so when everybody else arrives, we try to explain it to them, but clearly the other people don't understand.

the first night, someone knocks on the door and claims that they just missed the first boat, and someone let's them in, but they cause trouble, and i realize that this is one of the sirens, and i tell everyone to keep everything locked and closed, and and try to chase them away, eventually driving them into our storage chamber, which somehow has four outside walls, and all the walls have doors, and the doors are all open.  i quickly go around closing and deadbolting all the doors, which are all different, and have different mechanisms, and i shout to Supergirl (from the tv show) to close and lock her door, thankful that she's helping, but she doesn't do anything except stare at the wall, so i push her aside to lock the final door.  a ferret sized pink dragon tries to hide, but i smush it into a corner while taking Supergirl back so we can call someone to come take her away, because she's completely catatonic.  "They" tell me that they'll send a helicopter, and can land it on a ship docked "next door," but we have to cross the ocean to do that.

i woke up a bit here, and when i went back to sleep, it was now

season 2:

same kind of situation, but the base is now like a giant house, and there's a pool and spa area to one side that we can use, but we have to keep an eye out for the sirens still.  there are also a lot more people here, and i'm still some kind of manager.  i try to keep things organized, but in one of the downstairs bedrooms, somebody is tied up on the bed and wrapped up in the sheets and blankets (probably because i was all wrapped up in my own sheets;  i spin in my sleep).  in any case, i try to help release her, but we keep getting turned on, and despite the fact that she's married at home, we have sex, and i eventually get her untrapped.

i head back upstairs and there's a package for me, and i open it up and it's weird and confusing, but there's a bunch of cardboard that i have to fold and build into some kind of display case, and there are a bunch of paper slips that are supposed to go on display.  i read them, and they're super passive-aggressive notes that are like "i hate you and what you did, so this slip is equal to -12 points."  this is weird, because we already have point system, and there's a giant box of board game tokens that anyone can grab a handful of whenever they want to hand them out if they like what people do.  i want to make sure i'm not confusing myself, so i track Beth down to a narrow "booth" like room, where she's watching something on tv, and the booth is like one in a museum or something, where you can watch a video without disturbing other people.  i show her the slips, and she's doesn't understand why they'd be there except to try and cause drama between people.  

next, one of the teens that are here show me a weird box of socks, and as i'm looking them over, i realize they have squishy "paw" treads that are actually gummy fruit candy things in like condom wrappers sewn on the inside of the socks.  it's weird, but i can at least toss them at people and tell them they're a snack.

it starts to get late, and i try to get everyone to come in from the pool, because we should get inside to avoid the sirens, but one person won't move, and is doing the same catatonic thing from earlier and staring at the wall, and i try to get everyone to help get her inside.  when we do, there's an alarm because somebody is trying to break in, and i have to deal with that.  once that's done, the teen comes to tell me that it's dinner time.

Sunday, March 5, 2023

i'm bad at time, i guess

somebody commented on stories on literotica recently, and that reminded me that i do have this porn writing hobby that i haven't done much with.  "it's been like six months, right?"  no.  it's been like sixteen.

i guess it's been like three years since the pandemic started, and i'm still working from home because i'm lazy and no one makes me go to the office (my team is scattered all over geographically anyway), and i think that has pushed a bunch of time into just "staying home."

anyway, i thought about writing some more, so went to read my first two chapters, and i found so many typos.  missing words, wrong words, dropped letters.  i really should proofread more than i do.


also, just so it's clear, what with all the crap happening: trans rights are human rights, and if you have a problem, fuck off and never return.

Sunday, February 20, 2022

huh

 so


it turns out that "maybe i should drain out some blood from my arms, and see if that helps" 

is called "suicidal ideation."

i wish i had friends.  or loved ones.  or could love a one, if it came down to it.


i wake up just wanting hugs, and then curl up to have nightmares of being murdered by grabby zombies.

i hate this.  i just want what i see other people having.  someone to share a life with.  someone who doesn't turn into grabby zombies.

Sunday, January 9, 2022

Saturday, December 25, 2021

ugh

 holidays mean i have to pretend to be normal enough to talk with family and friends and i just don't feel up to it this year.


my brain did at least decide to provide me with a nice dream:

i'm hiking, with work people i think.  we've reached some weird part where there's a bridge in the path made out of a tree (somehow).  you have to climb up one trunk to the peak where there's a trunk that connects to the ground, and then climb down a third trunk back to the path.

i climbed up the first part, but when i got to the middle, someone pulled me to the side and told me i couldn't do it like that.  i'm taken to this mall like place next to the hiking trail, and bustled around through a bunch of rooms and people until i'm eventually in one large room, and i've been stripped naked.

that's when the Dominatrix appears, and gives some order to someone else, and i again get bustled through a bunch of rooms, and when i'm returned to her, i have a chastity belt strapped on.  she's super angry about this, because that wasn't her order.  it's removed, and she slides a catheter in (with far less pain than it probably causes in real life), and then forces me down to push a double balloon enema plug into my butt.

that's somehow what i'm supposed to use on the hike, and it kind of makes sense in the dream?  something happens here (i think i woke up a bit), and when it's clear again, the sun is down, and it's closing time.  the Dominatrix returns, and tells me that if i've joined the Spaghetti Club, i can go have dinner with someone else (she looks kind, and i realize i am hungry).  i try to explain that i don't know what's going on, but i'm totally happy to sign up for whatever, because i have a week of vacation left, and would rather do fun stuff here than continue hiking.

the Boss arrives, and she brings all my clothes and things stuffed in a bag.  i dig out my credit card, and hand it over, and have to recite something word for word back to her, and then she swipes it and i put it back in the bag before it's taken away.  i don't know how much it costs, but it sounds like it'd be fun.

there's another lapse, and it's much later at night.  i'm sleeping on a kitchen table, which is really thick, and super shiny with all the varnish.  i wander around, and finally find the room the Dominatrix is in, and she rushes to the door.  "sorry, i'm with someone else right now, i'll find you later.  unless he doesn't mind if you come in?"  i wander around some more before finding "my room."

when i wake up (actually, when i go back to sleep after turning off my alarm), i realize i have to bake my ham for dinner today (a real life thing that i didn't get to until 5pm).  i finally find the "kitchen," and try to follow all the instructions on the wall for turning on the oven.  the Dominatrix finds me, and helps me sort out the oven (which involves puzzles and all sorts of weird stuff, like the controls for the oven being attached to a third oven), and i get my ham in to cook.


unfortunately, that's when i woke up for real.  still, it was a really nice dream in which i had nice human contact with someone who was just 100% loving and supportive.

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Institutional Review Board 2

Institutional Review Board 2
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/p/my-stories.html

it seems that the first part of this has a lot of supportive comments on literotica, and i had a few more ideas for it, so: part 2.  i suspect there's a part 3.  eventually.

Tuesday, November 16, 2021

reverse prayer bound

it's the canonical ponygirl tie.

it's inescapable and painful.

it's the most confining next to amputation.


so, ok.  Years ago.  i tried to do it, and it hurt, and made my shoulders hurt, and my scapula seemed to be in all the wrong places.

now?  i can go to the bathroom, pee, and stand up with my arms fully in position.  i can't get them up as far as the stories make it (finger tips around scapula tops at best), but is this actually an easy pose?

i'm not skinny.  i don't get this whole deal.  i thought it was impossible b/c of my attempts before, but is this something that unlocks as you get older???


~~~weird~~~~ 


ps: i'm trying to sort together a dream story.

pps: dyk that sriracha works pretty well on taco bell steak tacos?  surprisingly well.

Saturday, November 6, 2021

weighted blankets are just bondage for boring people

i bought one last year, and it's cold enough now that i pulled it out again.  i'd forgotten how much it squishes me down, and spent a most of the afternoon napping underneath it.  it was during that long nap that i realized it does the same thing that really nice, low-stress bondage does:  you can't move as much as you want, so you have to be calm and relax.

it's totally not the same as the terrors i come up with.  there's no vacuum sealed rubber, no epoxy and concrete block holding me permanently immobile, no layers of plastic and tape locking my body still.  but there's still the same cozy "hug" that is in my mind when i dream them up.

anyway, just something that i thought up while snuggling all day long.

Thursday, July 8, 2021

long story or many short parts?

any opinions?  the story i'm working on now has a 4 chapter structure, and i'm torn between doing it as one big thing or four smaller things.  i finished part two today, so the word counts are ~2600, ~2100 right now.  the benefit of a long thing is that i think that's easier to stay motivated to write.  the benefit of the short ones is that it makes the story seem longer, without needing to devote a giant block of time for reading.


maybe i should just write it as one, and release it as four?  then what happens if part 3 is boring?


ugh


Monday, March 8, 2021

Institutional Review Board

Institutional Review Board
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/p/my-stories.html

i know this is similar to other stories, even ones i've written, but i want more fiction like this, so if i have to write it, i guess i'll do that.

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Sunday, July 26, 2020

The Cell

a lot of this is fragments that were kind of the foundations for a story that never worked.  this morning i decided to just take the bits i had, and put them together without worrying about "reasons" and "characters" and stuff like that.  this is clearly influenced by some of Thndrshark's stories, along with my own inherent weirdness.

The Cell
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2020/07/the-cell.html

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Dream: June 21, 2020

Dream: June 21, 2020
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com

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Thursday, March 5, 2020

i fucking hate everything

most of the time, i can just ignore the fact that i'm going to die alone.  it's not really a big deal most of the time.

but then sometimes i remember that, and wonder how everyone else found people and got married and all that shit.

so i looked up some 'how do you date when you're an adult', and one of the suggestions some asshole came up with was 'i asked 20 of my friends to set me up with a friend.'

who the fuck has 20 friends that they can ask that kind of thing?  is that a thing people do?  people have enough friends that they can choose "only 20" of them for something like this?




i probably need to go back to therapy or try new drugs or something, b/c i'm probably more suicidal than i'm willing to admit.

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

but seriously

i try my absolute fucking best

if i can make a story reach a conclusion, i'll do it, but

it turns out ending a story is hard, and there are really no good places for it.

so i try to make things semi-"timeless", where it doesn't matter if it's 1992, 2002, 2012, or 2022.

i get that that isn't totally accurate, and some of my things aren't still in date.  but choosing this crutch is there to attach my fantasies to a static concept that more people can relate to.

so

asking me if a story i've started is going to finish sucks.

it's like the most offensive thing you can think of, but done publically so everyone can see the details.

i'd like to finish my incomplete things.  i'd like to get it all right.

i'd like to be famous, and be able to write porn for a living.

i'd like for my fantasies and porn to be common enough to promte my own employment.






of course, none of that is true

so I have to deal with the yeehaw world i'm born in.

i'm so tired...









godspeed

Saturday, September 14, 2019

a new story?

maybe.

this was another dream fragment that i embellished and made make sense.  i have more that could be future chapters, but i'm worried it'll get stuck in my head like all my other stories seem to do.  maybe i just need to bite off smaller chunks, and leave things hanging if i can't make the words work right.

anyway, here's the start of a story that might never be finished, let me know if you enjoy it.

also, like in all the movies, this is a "not based on anyone or anything or any whatever, it's all made up fiction and stuff" kind of thing.  so don't try to wizard-of-oz it and figure out who is william jennings bryant or whatever.

Prison.com: Prologue

The Prison.com: Prologue
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/p/my-stories.html

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