things

1. i've had two people send me feedback on literotica in the past day.  i haven't updated there since november.  what's going on over there?
2. do you ever order clothes from amazon, and you assume they're not going to fit, and you're just going to cry and throw them away?  but then they show up, and they're super soft, and you wash them, and try them on, and they totally fit great, and you end up crying anyway because you assumed you'd be disappointed, and now you're not, but you had this cry scheduled so it's coming out?  um.  yeah.  me neither.
3. remember those pink/chocolate/white cookies that were like layers with frosting inside?  what are those called, and i should look in the cookie lane for those, right?
4. does anyone know if grocery store garlic bread is worth buying?  i kind of want garlic bread, but i'm super lazy.  not like the frozen kind, either.  the safeway nearby has loafs sitting out that are all garlic-ed up.  are those any good?
5. this is less panicky me.  i still end up crying a lot, and i worry about junk food more than is probably healthy.  go me.

still hungry.

but now i want a specific ham and swiss thing i remember.  i could do pastrami, too.

"sammy, just buy that shit and make a damn sandwich!"

ok, yeah, but my fridge is full of like 9 months of rotting food.  "gross" yeah.  thanks for pointing out that my everyday is just a pile of mold and decay.  that's not something i've known for months.  i know how to deal with it (throw out everything you own, and burn anything left with bleach).  but then i have to put it all into bags, and drag those bags down to the trash chute, and push them through.  all while not breathing in the horrible trash smell.

this is super hard when you have a horrible brain.  "why don't we keep that?  it might still be good."  no, brain.  we bought that pizza in january.  it's not still good.  why do you keep talking about it when i try to fix things?  why are you such an absolute jerk?

i'm hungry

or maybe just fake hungry.  i want bread, but like crusty hot fresh baked bread.  with butter.  so i can pull it apart, and spread butter on it, and it drips butter drops everywhere and i don't even care because it's hot and sweet and delicious.

that's....that's far more sexual sounding than i planned.  i am literally just talking about tasty bread.

maybe like dinner rolls or something?

or with cheese!  a pile of gooey cheese spread over hot bread.

i think what i'm saying is that i want a grilled cheese.

not-panic days are easier to deal with, but i still have weird thoughts.

today has been a bad day

me: "let's do stuff!"
mental illness: "whatever, i'll get you eventually, go do stuff, no one even cares." goes back to reading magazine.
me: "yay!"
work: "um, sammy?  we're going to need you to present some stuff tomorrow.  we knew this last week, but instead of telling you, we thought it was best to just ignore it until 24 hours before we want that done.  so, if you could just get that ready, that'd be great."
me: "fuck"
mi, putting down magazine: "well, if we're going to do that, why don't we think about how great it would be to just cut your thigh up a little bit.  you know, to let off some steam.  get everybody in the mood to write boring presentations.  just a little thigh music."
me&mi: "i should probably just kill myself"

how mental illness is just a fucking asshole.

me: "let's watch stuffs!"
my youtube video: "hi! i could play, but instead i'm going to auto pause because this is how youtube works now.  sometimes we play a playlist all the way, sometimes we just show a few videos then stop.  just how we're doing things now!"
mental illness: "you know, if you cut your arms open, you could probably make that video play without clicking.  just a few slices.  you know.  air out that blood.  exercise it a bit."
me: "what?"
mi: "DEATH!"

so yeah.  sorry.  this is the constant fuzz i fight with everyday.  sorry.

let's talk about animals!

1. apparently such a horror as "social spider" exists.  imagine a regular spider, but now they cooperate to feed each other and build super size webs.  i'm seriously sorry that you and i can no longer ever sleep again, because we'll be consumed by demons with eight legs.
2. albatrosses form same sex relationships.  like over there ---->>>.  i've been to kaena point, which the pbs show told me is where they live.  the road is all washed out and gone, but you can walk there if you're me, 50 pounds and 5 years younger.  but something something no dude albatrosses, so they try girl-girl relationships, and it sometimes works ok.  i love you, gay birds.  keep being cool.
1. i guess they're laysan albatrosses.  laysan.
1. i would still run macnear over with a bus.
3. dogs love everyone so much, i can't imagine a person who doesn't love dogs.
1. "oh.  this is weird.  not what i'm used to.  ok!  let's go!"
2. "oh.  this is even more weird.  i don't quite fit.  ok! let's go!"
3. "oh.  this doesn't work in any way at all.  whatever.  ok! let's go!"
1. dogs are great.
1. typo of "gods are great" is probably a lie.

OMG

i was rereading the first bits of the exhibition story.

and there's a "there"/"their" typo.

i am so embarrassed.

:(

"wow, annie's a bitch"

"there's more dialogue than i thought"

"i should probably do a tom cameo, since i totally forgot about him."


but whatever, because i fucked up "their".


ok.  sorry.  i'm done writing.  i'm clearly not up to the task, so i'm just going to light myself on fire and burn and regret not using the right word there.


"wright word they're".


seriously, brain?  this is what we're going to do?  we're going to make fun of the typos i make writing this post?  you do realize why i'm slowly murdering you with vodka, right?

"because you hate..."

because i hate you.  yes.  i hate you so much i can't even put words together most days.

"that might be..."

shut


your

fucking

face


dickface
:-|

red panda

little fuzzy bear
i want to give you some hugs
you are just so cute.

my internet is broked

so i may be quieter and not read email much this week.

i hate it.

like, my only friend is the internet.  having it not work right is horrible.  :(

i love you, internet.  please never leave me.

it'd cost like $3500

i saw a thing about travel, and it was a big trip, and i started thinking about what the biggest trip would be.

"other side of the world.  duh."

but that has a special name.  antipodes.  and it turns out that hawaii is apparently kind of special, because we fall directly on africa in that measure.

so, scrolling down.  Ghazi, Botswana.  ok.  so, is Botswana a cool place?  "According to Transparency International, Botswana is the least corrupt country in Africa and ranks close to Portugal and South Korea.[18]"  huh.  so you're telling me that there's a place i could go, find the exact opposite place on the planet from my apartment, and it's not super corrupt?  what?

ok, let's look closer, because this can't be true.  "The High Court in Johannesburg has described Botswana as a "pariah state not synchronized with the majority of African countries that have either abandoned or are refusing to implement the death penalty". "  ok, but to be fair, oklahoma jus tdecided that smothering people with nitrogen is totes ok, because they "got people to kill, and they got to get killed" (paraphrase).

so yeah.  a not-awful place i could go for super trivial reasons.  and they speak english.  what

do they have cool things to look at?

apparently ghazi is where they raise cattle.  ok.  so wear boots when i try to find my anti-apartment. got it.

travel advisory: USA: "Batswana living in the USA and those traveling to the US are urged to be more cautious in their travels to some areas within the US as safety is of a major concern."  lolololololololol! no matter what, Botswana.  you and i are friends now.  forever friends. <3

ok, here's the important part:  animals i could potentially see if i went there.  like, literally all of the 'animals that don't live here' animals.  they don't have tigers or bears, but that is all the other animals.  also gemsbok.  you're playing antelopes now, ok?

so $3500 + how ever much it costs to go see animals.  you should advertise more, Botswana.  "hey, we have all the cool animals, and we're not run by horrible dictators.  we're super cool."





also i wrote the notes for "office".  assuming my brain doesn't crap out for six months again, it'll be out in less than six months.

:)

that moment

when you choose the "z" word to end your big story, and then think "ha ha, such lighthearted nonsense!" and then your brain collates stuff together and you go "oh.  yeah.  that.  plus that other shit.  fuck.  that's just fucking awful.  christ.  i hope no one kills themselves."

RELAX! I"M ONLY AT "O" AT THE BEST!

WORST!

EITHER!

IT"S STILL DEPRESSING WHEN I GET ThERE!

SORRY!

The Exhibition: Illness

The Exhibition: Illness
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-exhibition-illness.html

read "illness" first

secret stuff!

i want nachos

"sammy, you said you'd get off your lazy ass and finish the next part!"

yes, i did.  i spell checked, allowed "cabby" to be correct, i guess.  said, "no, i'll fucking die before i let you convert 'hoodie' to anything else," and then deleted the bit about jalapenos, because i decided it wasn't relevant.

but i need to do the read through, the "wait, does that make sense?" bit, and i know there are like three points i want to change and add some extra dialogue.  but i have to have the mood to do that.  it's really close now, but i want it to not suck.  and, trust me, when you have this all-consuming feeling that everything you do sucks, that's super hard.  sorry.

anyway

nachos.

like a lot want nachos.  i should probably keep a stockpile of doritos and shredded cheese, so i an knock out 2am fake nachos whenever i get the urge.  maybe extra salsa and queso.  because everything should have good salsa and queso.  i think maybe i just want chips and cheese and spicy.

sorry.

next part written.

i'll try to edit tomorrow, and then it'll be up and i can try to not spend six months dragging out the next-next part.  i think i have the ideas for the next two parts done.  they're not outlined, but it'll be back to more bondage/sex oriented stuff for those two parts.  i think one may even be an actual exhibition again.  woo.

that fun game again, just without fake entries.

• completely empty world.  there's no one else anywhere.
• go to a museum, but end up in a weird sex exhibit.  i was in a room, and there were images on the walls, and sound effects to make it seem like i was there.  so the example i remember best, i could see people tied up and hanging from above, and the sound effects were ropes swishing against the walls.  if you "clicked" on an image, you'd move that direction in the scene, or the walls would change to make it look like that, but it felt like you fell into the new room.
• me trying to find that exhibit in a different museum dream (i woke up a bit).  i found it, but it wasn't the same, and the entrance (which i blocked off with a "closed" sign) showed that it was dedicated to lincoln.  because dream reasons, i guess.
• final part of the museum trilogy:  somebody found two gold coins, so they started digging, and found a bunch of dinosaur bones.
• i know there was another scary one here.
• a big party where i have lots of friends, and we're all sitting around talking, and it's lots of fun, until i realize that this is a dream, and none of it is real, and i'm going to wake up and have a lonely day.  all the dream friends are sad too when i say i have to leave, but they understand and we all get into a car to drive me home.  i wake up when i get distracted because we're driving on a highway that isn't a highway in real life, and when you look down between the sides, you can see an underground highway that totally doesn't exist in real life.

sun-maid dried halves peaches

1. smell like farts.
1. but kind of taste ok.
2. what the fuck kind of grammar is that?
1. "what did you buy?"
1. "dried peaches!"
2. nope.  the sun-maid demands you call them dried halves.  "peaches"
1. since 1912.
3. why not "dried half peaches"?  "dried peach halves"?  "dried peaches, if you need to know the geometry, you're probably an asshole"?
1. because all must bow the maid of the sun.

panic attack.

who wants to play a fun game?

which of these options did i have a nightmare about this weekend?

1. creepy tall monster legs outside my office door at work.
2. having an apple watch.
3. accidentally stabbing myself in the neck while sitting on the couch, forcing me to slowly starve and die there because i'm paralyzed.
4. a spooky haunted house that suddenly appears on the second floor of a different building.
5. a dumpster designated for cardboard recycling.
6. being chased while attempting to find a fire hose.
7. falling.
8. meeting an ex in an elevator.
9. trying to stab someone who's attacking me, but the knife doesn't do anything.
10. looking down from my lanai at the street below, only to see someone staring up at me with a super creepy smile.

i think the lesson i've learned is, "even if you're grumpy that you woke up at 7:30 on a day off, don't try to go back to sleep.  that's where horror lives."

so. apparently:

if you ask google "where can i go to pet a red panda" the first result is "wellington zoo."

really?

i have to fly to new zealand to pet a red panda?

technically, it's a "close encounter" with a red panda.  you get some food, they open doors, the panda comes to visit you.

i'm assuming you can pet them.  any place that's like, "oh, this super cute bundle of supercute is going to come up to you and eat the food in your lap.  don't touch it." is probably like selling drugs or something, because that's just evil.

it also seems to get booked up super far in advance.  which, duh.  red pandas are cute, sammy.

anyway, hypothetically:

if you know of a not new zealand place to pet red pandas, please let me know. partially because i have never heard of "jetstar" before, and i kind of prefer to book flights with companies that won't crash me into the ocean.

post

crazy crazy crazy.

hate my life.

more crazy, followed by additional crazy.

probably should stop drinking so so much.

different crazy, on a completely different topic.

sad realization about my life, and the haze i've lived it through.

tear-soaked comment about how sad i am about homeless people.  because seriously, the fact that we have homeless people today is a fucking atrocity, and if i could, i'd murder people with money to make that not the case.

um....random communist-bent diatribe in support of the homeless?


sorry.


a lot of sorries.

which isn't a word, apparently.


sorry.

today i learned

that "vindaloo" is hindi for "fuck you right in your stupid mouth."