sammy-date!

see, it's an update, about me, about my date?  get it?

ok yeah, even i thought it was lame.

so i'm paranoid about this whole thing.  the date itself seemed to go well, but we kept it all strictly vanilla.  afterwards, she wanted details so we could chat, and so we did that a bit last night.  however, i tried to initiate a conversation tonight, and she was kind of terse and quiet.

so now i'm thinking i screwed it up somehow, and she hates me, even though i'm pretty sure everyone would say stuff like, "don't be dumb, she was probably just busy."  which she was, doing a job thing.  but it still kind of feels weird.  i also want to say something like, "hey, i kind of like you, but would like to get to know more about you and chat a lot about everything so i can tell things are working, and then we can move onto the kinky stuff that we both like, because i'd like to do that, but that's really something i'd need to be comfortable with you as a person to be cool with, and right now i'm not comfortable, and wish we could work on that."

but that's rambley and crazy sounding, i think.

plus, i have to play tour guide for a week to visitors from the mainland.  that kind of means i can't suggest we try to go do something this next weekend.

double plus, then it's like valentines day soon.  can you just have a "um, let's just talk and get to know each other" date for valentines?  i wish that she would take some of the lead, since she's the one who's the domme.

:-/

i'm open to suggestions if you have any.

like an update, i guess

i've been working on my anxiety, and it's not really getting much better.  i can at least recognize when i'm freaking out, though, so i've been able to fight back with some xanax.  woo drugs?

the depression is still kind of hit or miss.  the main thing to deal with now is the fact that for some reason, the cutting i used to do keeps popping up in my brain.  stupid brain. :(

but, i'm going to go talk with an actual psychiatrist about my drugs next week, and hopefully they'll be able to sort me out some.  my regular doctor didn't want to mess with them anymore, as she's not really a specialist in that stuff.  makes sense to me, and i wouldn't mind talking with a professional for a bit.

wonky unexpected thing: i have a date this weekend.  not going to jinx things with lots of details, but i'm hoping things work out well.  we seem to have lots in common, so let's see how that goes.

wish me luck!

(also, go read that story if you haven't already! apparently people like it :)

my story was published

so if you didn't already read it here, you can go read it there.  it seems like at least the first few people who reviewed it liked it, so that's good. :)

my brain sucks

panic attacks before a day off? how does that even make any sense?

:(

one thing i've decided i'm going to do soonish (maybe starting tomorrow?) is to go over various things that turn me on and talk about why i think they do that.  it's like an explanation of why i like all the stuff i've been posting for the past year or whatever.

i hope people enjoy them, and respond with their own thoughts about the topics.

yay

panic attacks!

shit like this makes me want to kill myself.

i mean "going to the grocery store" shouldn't make my brain freak the fuck out, right?

anyway, i submitted my last story to bdsmlibrary. i hope other people enjoy it too.

i'm lazy

i plan to get a new post out soonish, but i've been too lazy to get anything out.

i appreciate everyone's comments on the new story, and plan on responding personally when my brain isn't sucky.

and that gave me a thought:  so, maybe, if i get five comments with things to write about, i'll put together a new story with those five things.  i don't want this to be like a threat or something, but i kind of feel like writing something, but don't have any good ideas right now.  so maybe if someone else prompted me, i could get something new together for you to read?  if you don't want to comment, you can just email me (clicky on my face to the right, i guess) and i'll accept that too.

i mean, what do you want to read? i think i'm messed up enough to write something everyone can enjoy.
:)