i hate panic attack induced insomnia

it totes sucks

one more

so

i have all these fetishes

socks
humiliation
bondage
super strict straitjacket bondage
being treated as a pet
being treated as a toilet
being treated as an animal
and then eaten


what if these are just an aspect of the craziness in my brain? what if they aren't real, but just something my brain dreamed up to make it feel complete, and now the celexa is breaking them down into normal things?


anyone?


how does anyone know what's real?

maybe i should do an update

vacation: super helpful at reducing stress and making me less unhappy.
puppy petted during vacation: a large part of that.
increased dose of celexa: made me crazy the first two days, but i'm over that and feeling better most days.
alcohol: cutting back a lot, so i'm not drunk every night.
xanax: magic power pills that take the panic attacks and wipe them away.
libido: better, but still way depressed relative to what it has been in the past (except maybe while i'm asleep?)

so yeah, i feel better than i have for a long time, but i just don't have much of a drive to be posting too much here right now.  i'm trying to get my brain sorted out a bit, and i really think the drugs are helping normalize things so i only have to deal with the fundamental problems, not the stress and anxiety and bullshit that they cascade into.

thanks for sticking with my crazy ass.

i just had to share this dream i had last night:

i wake up, and i'm in a hospital room, or a hotel room or something like that.  i "know" somehow that "they" put me here, and that i'm supposed to stay.  i get off the bed, which has the sheets pulled back, and stand up.  i'm naked.  i walk to the door, and it opens into like a reception area.  the room i came out of is to my left, and i'm in an open area with lots of other doors along the left and right walls.  in front of me is a reception desk, and there's a hallway to the left of the desk that's part of the same wall my door is on (if that makes sense).

i know i have to go pee, so i walk towards the hallway, as there's a bathroom there (i know that somehow).  i pass the reception desk and there's an asian girl who weighs more than me sitting there in a pink nurse outfit (or pink something outfit).  i tell her i need to pee, and continue past, and down a little ramp as the hallway decends a bit.

i go through the bathroom door, and there are no dividers, it's just all open.  while i'm peeing, i see that there's a loading dock further in the bathroom with people working packing boxes and loading them up (like, there's no walls or anything.  it's like the toilets are just in a loading dock area. weirder still, i somehow knew that i was on the 31st floor, so that makes even less sense), and there are overalls in a pile there as well, so i can get dressed and escape out the loading dock and get away from "them."

while i'm thinking this, i flash back to the reception desk where the asian girl is telling her supervisor, who's white and like 40ish that i had to go pee, and that i'm in the bathroom.  the supervisor is angry, and storms down the hallway after me.

she bursts in to the bathroom, and drags me away, holding my left arm in her right.  she starts talking about how "i'm not allowed to get away" and "we have plans for you."  then, she uses her left hand to unzip her jumpsuit (maybe that's what the other girl was wearing, too?), and pushes my hand into it and down, and i feel her pubic hair and the moistness below that.

she takes me back too the room, and pushes me in, and dumps a pile of rope on the bed.  there are at least six coils all tied neatly, and in lots of different colors.  "maybe i just need to tie you down, first." she says (or something like that).  i respond with, "ok, but let me go to the bathroom first." i go through the bathroom door in the bedroom (i don't know why i didn't use that one before. i was trying to escape?)....

and then i wake up.

and have to go pee really badly.