hah! fast updates!

the doctor called this afternoon, and suggested we up the antidepressant dose, and tack on a xanax prescription for when i freak the fuck out.

so, let's see if that takes, i guess.  today was kind of a waste for me, where i called in sick to work, and stayed in bed until 3, and periodically pulled the covers up over my head in the hope that would make me less panicked.

turns out it's really too hot to do that for a long time when you don't have a/c.

but i'm way calmer than i was yesterday, and hopefully more drugs will help.  i'm taking a vaca this next week too, to visit my friend, so i think that'll help me get my mind unstress-tangled.

sorry it's a long time

so yeah

sammy

oh, that's me

ok, let's get to this

for like the past three weeks, i've been having like crazy panic attacks, and i just sent a message to my doctor, seeing if i could switch to something else.  it feels like what used to be suicidal thoughts is now channeled into horrible panic attacks, and i'm tired of feeling like my heart is going to burst out of my chest.

and for some reason, talking with like target people, or the grocery store people? that's super easy, i'm fluid and chatty like fuck

but if someone asks me a real question, or talks to me for realsies, or emails?  that's panic attack.

so

super sorry.

hopefully i can get the meds sorted out, and not be so afraid of shit.  but for now, i'm pretty much fucked up.

super sorry, yo?

blah long time?

i feel weird about these posts. it's like "look at sammy, she isn't dead!" and that's not really what i'm going for. it's more, "yay, i didn't kill myself!"

and that sounds super emo. sorry.

basically i've been muddling along.  my therapist seemed in a big holding pattern last time i went, and was all, "let's talk about random shit instead of the things you feel."  i think that means i need to open up more, but that's hard to do, you know?

and my brain drugs are making me feel super weird.  i keep seeing thing,s and getting random panic attacks and things.  maybe this isn't the drug for me?


anyway, sorry for being crazy still