Anonymous said...

"that some good news for the most part Sammy ! keep working at it and am sure you will find the solution that is right for you."

yeah, i think so too.  i'm scheduled to talk to the therapist again this week, but last time, we kind of hit on some stuff that maybe should have been obvious to me.  he was all, "did you ever think that you might have a self esteem issue?"

and i was all, "no, that seems silly, of course i don't"

then we went over various things and childhood shit and wow, yeah, i guess maybe i do

then i got home, and thought, "damn, maybe feeling like i want to be someone's toilet, or tied up in a bitchsuit and treated as a pet should have been a tip-off, huh?"  then i kind of felt dumb for a bit.


mind you, it's not that that stuff doesn't still totally turn me on, because it does.  i'll post more once i start feeling better enough, and get some libido back.


dIRTBAG72 said...

"Great news :) Eventually I'm sure you can be both healthier and enjoy making this blog! You don't need to be crazy to be a pervert you know, just a bit weird ;)"

lol, yeah, i know.  i think that no matter what, the weird is totally going to stick around with me.

feeling less crazy

another update, yeah?

i've been sticking with the meds, and pretty much as advertised, they've helped significantly.  i don't feel quite as hopeless in my everyday life, and since they make me sleepy, i go to sleep earlier and drink less and even though i wake up super tired, i'm getting up at a normal time most days.

so it seems to be making me less crazy after all.

i'm not saying i'm all cured or anything, because i still kind of think about suicide every day.  it really is a big change though.  instead of before, where it kind of seemed like the only way out of this all, it's a lot less persistent. it's more of a suggestion, like "hey, wouldn't that left arm look way cooler all cut up and bleedy?"

and that's WAY easier to ignore, if you've never had to deal with it.

unfortunately, the side effects are totally shit.  the fatigue i mentioned above, i'm always thirsty, my eyes feel like fcuking sandpaper most days because they're dry too, certain private areas are also moisture challengended, but that's largely due to the fact that my libido is basically zero since i've been taking this stuff.

which, yeah, that sucks, but without the desire, it doesn't feel like much of a loss? does that make sense?

so anyway, woo chemistry for making my  brain less suck.  less woo for the fact that i know this isn't really a great solution, and it'd be better to train my brain to be less meh about everything. i guess that's what therapy is for?

woo drugs?

so i talked with my regular doctor today, and she was all, "whoa, I got this mail from your therapist, and apparently you're crazy!?"

"oh, yeah...sorry."

"he says you want to try drugs to see if that helps?"

"yeah...cause, you know.......yeah."

"ok, let's hook you up right now, and get this going, because they maybe take time to get going, and omg I never realized you had suicidal thoughts"

"i try to hide them"

"but anyway, let's get the drug bus going! Yay!"

"yay?"

so now i'm taking drugs.  everyone (therapist, doctor, pharmacist, internet) all claimed that "oh, you should watch out for drowsiness, because that's super common." doctor and therapist both claimed that that was a good thing, as it'd help me sleep better.

but now it's almost two, and i kind of can't make my eyes stay shut.

anyway, i was looking online for side effects, and found this page: http://www.join-the-fun.com/celexa-side-effects.html. i'm pretty sure they're not real doctors, they're just anti-drug people.  whatever. the thing i like is that they list the frequent side effects of this drug.  Including:

"mouth"

HOLY SHIT! i'm going to have to deal with having "mouth"?

yes, i know they meant dry mouth, duh.  still. sometimes when everything kind of feels like shit, little stupid things like this make me smile and feel a bit better.

then again, that might just be me having a mouth.