i should have.
i can feel the depression pushing back. i kind of wish i was brave enough to just tell a psychiatrist that i want adhd drugs because i think they'd make me more better at things, and that i think being more better would help me not feel like an awful piece of shit all the time.
i kind of wish i was brave enough to go back and talk to a psychiatrist.
so writing is on hold again until i can get time and enough brain happiness to continue. sorry.
i nearly deleted everything for o1 because i had this thought that Annie is too nice. "she's kind of a bitch"
"yes, but she's also come to terms with how she feels about sammy."
"but...bitch?"
"she can grow as a person. we can all learn to be better about what we do, and what we are."
"biiiiiittttcccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh?"
"that's not a word."
"you're a bitch"
"i'm accepting your angry words and telling you that they do not hurt me anymore, because i have transcended your shame based society."
"also you're fat and ugly, and you have no real friends."
turns out mi is kind of a bitch.
You do have friends sammy! People who care about you. I say go for the drugs. Whatever gets you through the night...
ReplyDeletei know you care. i know there are people who care. but like...day-to-day, i just coast through a sea of people who don't care, and it wears at me.
Deletei mean, "salad lady" always says nice things to me. as does "chicken dude." but i don't think they'd be sad if i was gone. "wonder what happened to 'fat chick'?" they'd probably think.
this is weird thinking. i should stop it.
but yeah, i need to go back to therapy, and i said like 5.5 months ago that i'd do it "within 6 months". but work and also work and the constant stresses of things.
that's probably also weird thinking. this is probably why i need to go back to therapy. to get a second person look at my thinking.
finally: i had a super scary dream about you, and seeing this post made it all better. i'm hesitant to say what it was about, because i'm dumb like that, but i'm glad your all ok and posting and hopefully doing well.
love,
sammy