it's disappointing to sit down to write something before going to bed

and reading the last bit, and being so unhappy with it that i just close the file.

:(

does anyone know about this?

i had a spam message, and when i clicked, it was unlike my usual spam messages.  it's for some story page "peach club".  has anyone heard of it before?  is it actually spam, or is it a proper decent story site?

it's a bit odd that they say stuff like "You write great erotica, and we need great erotica to get this community off the ground."

also stuff like "As I said, it's 100% free to post your work to the site."  i mean, duh.  who would pay to post stuff?

might have made a mistake

i have to do doctor tests this week, so i decided "let's stop drinking this week, and try to eat better and stuff.  you know, lie for the tests."  i don't know what the effectiveness is going to be, or even if it's worth bothering. but, that's the plan.

but it's kind of been something that organizes my going to sleep routine, even if thta's "ill-advised" or "a big giant warning sign" or something.  but it helps me get to sleep without all the demons in my brain clawing at me for hours.

"they have therapy now, sammy.  have you looked into it?"

yeah, yeah.  i know.  i think it'll just be the same surface level junk that i did last time.  they were a bit helpful, but since i'm posting this on the same blog i put up my stories that involve..."socially underexplored relationship paradigms" i'm kind of sure that should be something to bring up.  since hiding a whole giant part of my inner personality from someone trying to get to know me to see how they can help seems like it's counterproductive.

also: this post just got super hard to continue, because the zolpidem is obviously kicking in.  that's the sleeping pill i took the night i woke up to my freezer sitting wide open because drug-me wanted a popsicle.  i don't have popsicles today, so i'm hoping that keeps me safe.

other than freezer ruining, this drug kind of unclips bits of your brain in a way that's not normal.  it's like you're pretty sure everything is real, but things seem to work wrong.  sitting up.  walking.  putting words in the right order.  thoughts.

so in any case, if i post tomorrow that "my kitchen smells like dead garbage because i went looking for popsicles" again, then this didn't work as well as i was hoping.  my best case scenario: the slow slowing of my brain to sleep will work better this time.

so hey!  let's play with drugs that i legally have a prescription for, and see if I can get the kind of results they claim on the bottle!



and i opened up two stories this weekend, and procrastinated myself enough to not write anymore.  i did come up with brain dialogue, so hopefully i can smooth these junky bits so i can get it done.












ok, time to see how hard standing up is going to be this time..

so. drunk. listening to 80s music. but:

did people in the 80s really just assume that we'd have a world war and kill everyone, so "no use planning stuff!"?

like, a lot of these songs are all "but then war, and we all die, so whatever."

is that why we have all this climate change shit? "yes, we're killing everything, but before we get there, we'll have actually literally killed everything.  so it's not like it matters or anything."

wow.  i never realized how much i hated my parent's generation.

also, if you're a republican, unfollow me, and then light yourself on fire.  for being a fucking jerkass.

this is going to be a dumb post.

i went to foodland today, because i needed body wash and water.  i didn't buy water, because i forgot that that was on the list entirely.  i checked a bunch of other things that i didn't need to buy, but not water.

this isn't about that.

last time i went to foodland, they had cinnamon raisin breadsticks at the checkout impulse buy section.  along with boxes of cereal for some reason.  i got some, and they were really good, and so they were gone in like a day.

so this time, i track down the cinnamon raisin breadsticks to their home with all the other breads, and specifically get some.  fine, impulse buy section, you got me.  but i assume i've outsmarted it.

today, what's sitting in the impulse buy section?  slabs of cornbread in those plastic cake slice thingies.  who impulse buys cornbread?


so now my tummy is rumbling, and i'm about to eat this slab of cornbread that i cut into more manageable sticks, and i'm kind of worried what the impulse buy section will have next time.

when was the last drunk sammy post? a long time ago, right?

so, imagine you've got a time machine.  and can do all the time machine stuff people usually talk about.

imagine going back in time and giving freddie mercury the anti-retroviral drugs we have now to cope with hiv.  i mean, we're not going to save him forever for everything.  but we'd get years of hope and music we don't have today.

sorry, apparently it's time to uncontrollably cry because the universe is shitty at everything.  sorry.  sorry shitty universe for hating you so hard.

sorry everybody coping with this shitty universe for not being as cool as i hope i could be.

sorry everybody everywhere.

:(

the news just said that a monk seal just died on laysan island.  i probably would have completely ignored it, but the name of the island jumped out at me.

i should read the latest chapter.

fuck being a grownup

i'm having cake for dinner.