today was a shitty day

mostly because i had a giant panic attack at work, and even my boss was like, "hey, it's ok, don't worry so much."  so.  i guess he now knows that i'm kind of gone crazy.

also, did you know that the maps on craigslist just completely ignore the ala wai canal?  i mean, sure, you don't have to put roads that don't exist, but you can't just pretend that what's clearly water is land.  see?

and no, i'm not looking to buy a mannequin.  i noticed it earlier, and just searched around in "arts and crafts" until i found a result that had the map i wanted to show.  those kid mannequins are creepy, right?

finally, none of these thoughts are related at all.  i just sometimes have thoughts and have to share, but don't have a good place to share them.  so they end up here.

sorry.

wrote some.

maybe half of act two?

it's four acts.

i'm trying, everyone.  i'm pushing out at that voice in my head telling me my words are stupid.  i know they're stupid, that's why i reread it before i post it.

i'm sorry i'm so lazy and dumb.  i keep wanting to get better, but then i get more fat and more drunk, and that's hard to cope with.

sorry.

love,
sammy

snacks

me: "hey, tummy, let's have a snack!"
tummy: "um?  ok?  i'm kind of doing fine here."
m: "snacks!"
t: "remember that sushi?  i mean, ok.  grocery store sushi.  whatever.  i'm still working on that, so i'm pretty much all cool here."
m: "SNACKS!"
t: "and, you know, not to judge, but you've been kind of a jerk to me when you're getting dressed.  i mean, i'm just here, doing what your telling me to do.  not really my fault, i don't think."
m: "SSSSSSNNNNNNAAAAAACCCCKKKKKXZCXXXXXXXX!"
t: "really, i think maybe we just need to calm down a bit, and discuss this a bit more than you really seem interested in.  let's set up some common goals, and we can see if can find a path that accomplishes that."
m: "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
t: "ok, you know what?  let's go poop.  it's poop time now.  fuck you, you're a jerk, so now i'm triggering the poop switch.  enjoy your toilet time, jerk."

sorry.

sorry.

i usually remember "sammy, you posted crazy shit last night! make it go away!"

i didn't this time, so if i offended you, i'm sorry.  i just have this brain to deal with everyday.  usually i know when i post something dumb, and can pull it out before too many people see.


...

prince kuhio day is this week.

i hope to finish up "illness" when i have that day off.

fingers crossed!

all the time

me walking to my car after getting groceries: "why does the front of my car look so weird? did i hit something? i've never noticed it looks like that."

as i get closer: "holy shit, that's not my car, that's a different car! where's my car? how did they steal my car so quickly?"

my car, sitting closer to me than that other car, but is blocked by a van: "calm the fuck down, i'm right here.  geez."

maybe it's just me

i go to look at something on my phone, and i wiggle at it, and it's just black, and i push buttons, and it's still all black, so i try to reboot it, and it pops up the "i'm dead, because you let me run out of power."

and i feel so bad about that.  like, i got this phone kind of recently, and the battery is so much better than my last phone, so i can go like a day or two without plugging it in.

but when i see that sad no power screen, i feel like i've let it down.  i love you, tiny rectangle of answers when i have stupid questions!  i'm sorry to let you run out of power, and i'll try better tomorrow!  please get better!

frozen fever.

frozen.

frozen fever.

yes.

all of this.

UPDATE!

you can buy chicken nuggets (for a limited time) at the price of 25¢ per nugget, in sets of ten.

i understand that the price is significantly less on the mainland.

i want chicken nuggets

i don't know

Being A Nude Cam Model

'They Made it Into a Joke': A Q&A With a Brain-Injured Dominatrix

just, be nice to people, i guess.

so i finished a project at work.

a big one.  like.  the biggest project ever to be projected onto someone to do.

this is a good thing.  i can relax somewhat compared to the last year.  six months.  whatever.

so i'm totally taking off time next week.  to get my car looked at.  and my brain, if we can schedule that close.  i'm not sure on that last thing.

i'm sorry i'm so crap all the time.  i'm sorry i apologize for me being me.  i'm sorry that everyone can't live the life they dream of all the time.

i'm sorry i'm the worst communist ever, and that i'm not always helping you do better things and achieve more.

i'm sorry i feel so awful about how shitty i feel everyday.

i know dealing with my crazy can't be easy.  i know you probably just want me to write more porn.  i want to write more porn.  my brain is nearly three stories ahead of what i can put down.  this is like getting your dessert before your appetizer.  i get that.  sorry.

i want you all to know that even when you comment with like, "pshaw, sammy.  just do you, ok?"

i know that's just code for "ok, that's fine.  but if you could tame your crazy more, that'd probably be best for everyone."

and yes, i know that.

i have half a bottle of (probably a few years old) antidepressants.  i often look at them and think about taking some.  they fucked up my sex drive super hard.  but i could coast through life a lot more.  things weren't so harsh to deal with.

so i see them, and think about how much i could maybe do better.

sorry about this all.  i wish i could just push this all into a box.

and burn that box.

sorry.

that's the label on this post, i guess.

like this:

i woke up today, a bit earlier than usual for a sunday, watched some junk on the internet, read a bit, then decided to get clean and go have lunch.  "i'll figure out what after a shower."

so i showered, dressed, and sat down on my couch with my laptop.  "hmmm...burgers?"

"no, that doesn't sound good today."

"sushi?"

"do i need any groceries?  it's right by the store."

"no, i went yesterday."

"let's see what yelp suggests."

followed by an hour of browsing yelp.  then i looked at something else.  "no!  i have to figure out what to do for lunch, because there's lots to do, and none of that can happen until after lunch!"  so then i spent another hour looking at yelp, looking at individual neighborhoods, and changing price ranges, and trying to find a place.  "how about that? i've only been once, but it was pretty good."

doesn't open until 4, and it's only 3:15 now, so that's way too far in the future.  "ok, how about that place?"  closes at 4, and now it's 3:20, and i can't get there in time and eat before they're going to be closed, and i don't want to make them wait for me to finish.

and then i had a panic attack and had to drink some water and put the laptop down until i stopped hearing my heart in my ears.

"that's all stupid shit to be worried about, sammy"

yes.  i know.  this is what makes it so difficult.  i'm not freaking out over breaking a leg or something.  i'm freaking out about not knowing what i want for lunch, and progressively freaking out more and more as that feeling continues.

i eventually went to get a sandwich.  that's how this plays out.  stupid turkey between some stupid bread.


it was tasty.  i shouldn't be mean to the sandwich because it took me hours to find it.


and i guess i didn't have to panic delete everything on my blog?  Mr. Christopher says there's a thing where they're not actually going to shut it all down?

why did the first thing need an email, and this is just a forum post somewhere?  doesn't this deserve an email too?

:-/