obligatory "going away" post

going away for new years.  probably won't update or read email or post tumblrs or do anything.

the same joke i always make about maybe my plane exploding and killing me.

i had work today, because i thought that if i took as little vacation now, i could save up my days and take a trip to japan next year.  also: it's super depressing being the only person at work because everyone else has families and friends to hang out with.

but i saw my boss, and he was all like "you're doing great, and i hope you have a great time off, and maybe we'll see about getting you a raise or something like that.  you know, for being cool."

and all i could think about was "i just want to slash my wrists right now because of that."

"whoa, sammy, that's kind of fucked up.  how do you get 'suicidal' from 'here's a fucking compliment'?" you ask?

i really don't know.  i think that the part of me that just wants to die and be dead and not have to deal with shit ever again gets frustrated when people are like, "i don't hate you."  it'd be so much easier if everyone did hate me, so i could just go away and make everyone happy.

i think i probably need to go back to therapy some more.  but that involves playing the tricky game of "i think i'm suicidal, but i want you to think i'm not that suicidal, because you'd have to call the cops or something, and i need to get back to work in an hour."

:-/

i do want to thank everyone for the kind words in comments and emails.  i know listening to somebody ramble on about stupid shit isn't fun.  i know you'd probably like to read new stories, and i do have a new idea of a chapter.  i know it feels like i post these things to kind of vampire leech good feelings.

i'm sorry for being so lame all the time.  maybe i can get help next year and get my brain sorted out again.

buzzfeed violet

"Short, relatable videos that are totally you."


STOP READING MY BRAIN< JERKS!

tl;dr

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

like....all this shit, right?

i hate holidays.

when i was little, it wasn't so bad.  i'd make impossible stupid lists of shit that i wanted for christmas, i'd get a tenth of that, some clothes, some books, and some candy or something, and it'd all work out ok, because when you're a kid, candy and a doll can make any day the best day ever.

then, slowly, it kind of all seemed to rot.  i could hear my parents talking, so i made my list shorter, and filtered out things that seemed too expensive.  i tried to ask for things that didn't just look cool, but that seemed like they'd be fun to play with (so no more rock tumbler, because it turns out you can't just glue them to string and make a necklace).

[i maybe have told this story, but whatever, it's the time of year everyone listens to stupid shit songs they've heard since they were 4.  i get to repeat occasionally if i want to.]

when i was in middle school, i think, we had gotten to the end of christmas, and had our regular ham for lunch, and my grandparents were going to go home.  bachan was getting her purse and everything ready, and it hit me.   she'd gotten one gift.  i had this pile of junk that i thought was important, and she had a tiny bottle of perfume.

christ.  i wish i knew what it was.  she always put on the same scent when she thought she was going out to someplace fancy.  like a movie.  or dinner at a restaurant.  like, shit that you and i would be like, "well, i guess maybe i should put on pants to go there."  she'd break out the makeup and perfume, and i can kind of force my brain to pretend it can smell it, but i know it's not right.  and now i'm crying again.

but i had a pile of shit, and she was happy with one thing and some ham.  all i could think was, "what the fuck is wrong with me that i would think this is fair?"

and now, i'm all grown up and shit.  bachan isn't here anymore, and she'd probably tell me i was dumb for saying stuff like this now.  or she'd be distracted like she was for the last few years.  fuckgin.  why can't i free associate stuff like this when i have a therapist to talk to?

but i'm skipping the family get together this year.  i've claimed "i've got stuff to do for work," and "my boss is a jerk," but that's not true.  that's not at all true.  the real reason is that i'm uncomfrotable with them.  there's the usual social anxiety that probably isn't how you're supposed to feel around your family.  then there's the like...success guilt?

is that a thing?

i mean, if i were to go home and see them, and eat ham and do all the stuff, i'd be sitting there knowing that i make more money than everyone else there.  combined.  how can i possibly make it right and make sure they're not going home with one thing?  i already don't visit much, so when i do, i get fruits and books, and "oh, sammy, you like this, right?" things.  so that on top of, "here, sammy, have this!"

i'm sure you're all like, "damnit, sammy, they're your family.  they're not going to be counting items and summing receipts."  i don't care.  i can do it.  fuck "can."  "automatically do it because my brain is a fucking asshole who can't keep out of shit."  this is worse, i think.  i can come up with far more scenarios in which i annoy people than they can possibly reassure me about.

ok, i'm losing ttrack of the thread here.  holidays.  i'm breaking from the usual stress, and that's a new level of guilt-stress.

and i'm doing new years with my friend i went to visit for thanksgiving.  she was doing well, but then economy and jobs and now i guess her husband is unemployed?  so.  i guess i'll be playing legos with her 2-year old.  at least her demands are simple.  "daniel tiger!"  "LET IT GO!"

sigh.  why can't everyone just be like, "let's watch daniel tiger and then frozen songs on loop for three hours?"  i wouldn't be the crazy mess i am, i bet.  i'd be in a nice relationship, where we'd both get home from work, look at each other, and just be like, "Chocolate!"

and i guess this song is actually by wham?  i've only heard that one and another two jpop covers, so i never knew before now.

"you're drifting again, sammy"

ok, let's close up this rambley mess.  i'm unhappy.  the world sucks, and people murder and steal from other people all the time, for no other reason than they can't accept that everyone deserves the same treatment and life.  there's nothing i can do about this.  there's also nothing i can do about the fact that i'm terrified of everyone i meet, because my stupid brain can't ever forget anything that happens, and i assume other people remember those stupid embarassing things i say and do all the time.  i don't think this will ever get better, and i'm afraid it'll just grow until i get to the point where i can't cope with the echoing madness of long forgotten events and slice myself open in the tub.

so...

um...

i hope you have happy holidays?  i'll probably be back for a drunken christmas eve thing, and then not again until after the new year.  sorry.

sorry for everything.

sorry for not writing faster than i do.

sorry for being weird over email.

sorry for being weird in general.

i know you probably don't hate me, because you wouldn't be here reading this if you did.

i'm sorry that i'm sorry about that.

i just hate everything so much.

wake up.  stay in bed as long as possible.  go to work.  solve stupid problems for what is more money than i really need to survive, but also not enough for me to actually be happy solving those stupid problems.  go to store.  buy stupid junky food that has a 50/50 chance of either getting eaten or left to rot in my fridge.  go home.  hate all the shitty food i just bought, eat a thing of frozen mac and cheese instead.  watch stupid tv all evening while reading crap on the internet that maybe was once fun, but now just seems like a boring trudge to keep up.  go to bed and instead of sleeping (since that doesn't work anymore), watch youtube videos as i feel the springs of the mattress i just bought a year ago for like $1200 slowly stabbing me in the back until my eyes water from yawns and i put my computer away to try and pass out.

i'm supposed to do this for another like forty something years?

why?

what's the point?  what do i get out of this shit?

so i guess today is a bad day

i want to cuddle up under a billion blankets, and then slice my forearm until it's just basically hamburger.

thanks brain.  you always know how to make my normal not sleeping into a hellish nightmare.

why don't you take this opportunity to just go fuck yourself in the face forever.

jerk.

does anyone else?

just get drunk...

oh.

yeah.

so i did like a month of sober, and then when my doctor was all "yay!  better liver!"

decided that if i just drink on weekends, maybe that's ok too?  right?

listen, judgy mcjudgersons out there.  i have a life i'm really not happy living, and sometimes drinking a bunch of vodka seems like a good idea.  yes it'll probably kill me, but at least when i die i'll be so drunk it won't matter.

or so i hope.

but i am trying to be healthier, and all that jazz, and it wasn't like i had to get a drink, i just didn't see why i couldn't have a drink.

that sounds like i'm a super-drunk.  just... can we agree it's not as bad as it could be?  i'll try to not kill myself everyday, and you all come back with, "we don't want to stab you in the eyes, sammy!"

that's really all i'm asking for.  not getting stabbed in the eyes.


anyway...(roll your eyes here for best effect)

you think of something, and then go to amazon to add it to your cart.  and then your cart comes up "you have $170 in shit in your cart".

there's no way you're buying that much, right?

click click click "oh, what?  shipping is $20?  what's free shipping cost?" $19.44.  "what?  why?" because you're buying shit through the marketplace because it's $210 cheaper, sammy, and the marketplace is where original producers (who you're buying from) and cheap jackass hacks (who jack up their shipping so they can sell you a $0.01 book) live.  relax, sammy, it's still cheapest.


drunk sammy still gets imaginary annie in her brain.  that totally read, "relax, pet," when i first wrote it.


i'm not sure having fantasy people write my blog is a good thing.

so.

does anyone else just feel sorry about everything, and hope everyone they know can just forgive them?

uuuugugughghhhhh

my nose is so stuffy and runny.  i hate being sick.  i just want to unplug my head, put it someplace where i don't have to deal with it while it's so gross, and then curl up under a blanket until everything is better.

:(

and it turns out that all the drugs i have for "being sick" have done basically nothing to fix anything.  stupid useless junk!

a bunch of sammy thoughts, so feel free to skip this one and wait for new porn

or, even better: you can look at lots of porn if you click to my tumblr.  that's largely where i'm looking at my porn now, because it's like a never ending river of porn that you can wade into, and let the porn wash over and around you.

thought 1: if you're afraid to go to work everyday, you should probably quit.  if you turn that fear into a motivator to use a gun to shoot people just because they don't listen to you, you should go to jail.  if you shoot people who actually are listening to you, you should double go to jail.  most people aren't criminals, so it doesn't make sense to assume they all are.  especially if that assumption is just because they're not the same race as you.  i'm glad i live someplace where the cops don't seem to be awful people most of the time.  it'd be great if they'd learn that homeless people are still people, but at least in those cases they still seem to just harass them into moving.  nobody ends up dead.

thought 2: remember last month when we had a hurricane, and i realized that homeless people are still people, and i could do more to help them than "nothing"?  i saw the newspaper guy over the weekend, and was able to get my window down and give him that $10 i had saved for him.  i'll admit that his hand touched mine when i handed him the money, and i held that hand all weird until i could get home and wash it clean.  i'm admitting that because i do the same thing when the cashier at safeway touches me handing me the receipt, when i have to touch the gas pump, and even when my doctor is like "yay! let's shake hands because that's fun!"  my brain is weird, and i don't like touching people because that makes me uncomfortable.

thought 3: on the doctor subject, i went back to the doctors to see if my knees actually suck, or if they're just grumpy for some reason.  it seems like the answer is "grumpy," with the suggestion that "diet and exercise can help things like this."  thanks for calling me fat, doctor knees.  in any case, i had to do more vampire tests, and they did another liver test since it was junky last time.  switching to tea instead of vodka at bedtime worked, i guess.  i should probably stick with tea to be healthy.  lame.

thought 4: i leave for a vacation tomorrow, so probably nothing much here for the next week.  also probably not much on that tumblr i mentioned once the queue dries up.  so basically no porn from me.  i think i used this before, but if you see news of a plane crash to or from honolulu and i don't ever post again, then i was on that plane and ker-sploded.  sorry i never finished those stories!

:)

yay! more impending depression!

i probably should have realized when writing stopped being fun that it was probably a sign of a depression attack.  that's not the right word, but whatever.  things have been ok-ish all week, and then today it just seemed like nothing was right, and everything was junky, and nothing was good.

i think a large chunk of this is holiday related stuff.  i hate the holidays, and i probably always will.  stupid consumerism, stupid fake caring about people that get ignored every other stupid day of the year, stupid telling people that you like them for one day, so here's a gift everyone feels obligated to give.  grump.

i do like christmas tree smell, and some of the music.  my apartment lobby always gets a tree, and i sometimes sit there and smell it for as long as i can before i feel awkward sitting reading junk mail.

but anyway, holidays always make me super aware of my social anxiety, so i'm doing the smart thing, and flying to visit friends for thanskgiving.  wait, that's not the right word.  in any case, it will hopefully not be too bad, and i'll get to see people that i can mostly deal with in real life.

until i get back, and then maybe even until new years, i'm probably just going to be lazy, and not try to get new stuff written.  i'm pretty sure if i tried to force the next part, i'd just end up hating it.


probably not nearly as much as i hate this brain roller coaster, though.

this was going to be combined with that museum thing from earlier, but i didn't, so now it's a different thing.

first thing:  drinking tea to go to sleep is not the same as drinking vodka.  first difference: you don't cough as much drinking tea.  second difference: all the teas taste different, even when you restrict yourself to variations of green tea with honey.  third difference: i don't get snacky hungry as much at night.  fourth difference: i wake up at the time when the sun is like "Hey!  Let's be friends!"  no, sun.  i don't want to be your friend, because it's like ass oclock in the morning.  fifth difference: i may be a bit grumpier than before.  sixth difference: not drinking for 11 days feels pretty much the same as not drinking for 1 day.  or drinking for 11 days.  i guess i'm saying this one isn't much of a difference.


second thing: i'm a bit burned out on writing.  i've tried to work on three different stories, and i've put together about one sentence total.  i think i'm just going to take a break and try again after thanksgiving.  one main issue is that i just don't know where i want to go with "exhibition."  do i want to do more romantic stuff?  do i want to skip that and push back to weird torture-y bondage stuff?  can i figure out a way to mush them together and do both?  all the other big multipart stories i read seem like they have a plan and an running theme that they're working towards.  i just slap my fingers at the keyboard and churn out whatever my brain comes up with that day, without any concern about how to tie it to the future.


third thing: i think if someone sends me two emails in 24 hours, the second of which is "you didn't respond, so i'm going to say the same things again, pointing out how you didn't respond the first time," i'm either going to ignore that person forever, or i'll wait for the inevitable third email and then point out that i thought they were kind of a creeper way back at the first email, but i wanted to be polite and not bring that up.  also, if you're that guy, i'm totally talking about you right now.

my local museum is cooler than your local museum.

because my local museum is having a show titled "modern love: 20th century japanese erotic art".  that picture is totally one from their webpage.

it looks like it opens this weekend, and runs until mid-march, so i have lots of time to stop by.  that also gives me lots of time to spread when i decide to visit out, so i don't have to worry about someone seeing me there and being all, "hey, aren't you sammy from the internet?"

ugh.

so the people who send story feedback and seem interesting never respond.

the ones who are like, "hey, i'm your internet bf now," never stop responding.

and has anyone in the history of ever ever been impressed with "you should google me"?  no.  the answer is no.

grumble.  now i remember why i started drinking.

i hate writing story teasers

i'm trying to get things submitted to stories online, but i have to put together descriptions, and i hate everything i put in there.

"it's a story.  i think it's good.  i'd tell you more, but that'd ruin the story, i think.  it probably has something to do with the word in the title.  just saying."

:-/

The Exhibition: Food

The Exhibition: Food
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-exhibition-food.html

read "food" first.

you know the drill by now

random days off are great.

because it's like a free sunday, except instead of going to sleep knowing you have to wake up on a crappy monday, it's an indifferent wednesday.  yay!

story stuff: i looked into stories online, and sent in my test story to see if i could figure out how it works.  it's way more complicated than the other ones, with a lot of extra clicks and what not.  i screwed up the first time, and submitted it as a "continuing" instead of "one part" story.  one cool thing that i'll have to play with is that it looks like i can define a series for "exhibition," and then submit the parts as stories in that series.  that might make it easier to organize things into the right order there.

i'm also mostly done with "food."  i need to decide on the ending i want, and do my proof on that.  if i'm less lazy than usual, it'll be up this evening.  i have one more part in my head, but that's likely to be the end of "exhibition" until i think up new things.  that will give me a chance to try to get more done one "spa treatment," which i've ignored for like four months now.

finally, it looks like bdsmlibrary updated again, although not with the stuff i sent them in august.  the forum says they had "hackers" and "blah blah bullshit i don't care about," but that they're fixing that and trying to get things up and running again.  i'm going to hold off on sending stuff to them until they get a few more regular updates going, i think.

depressing stuff:  it turns out that stopping drinking isn't lots of fun.  the biggest problem is that i've apparently forgotten how to go to sleep.  i drink my tea, i watch my youtube videos, i feel the "ok, it's sleepy time, i guess," and then i curl up and nothing happens.  for like two to three hours.  not a lot of fun.

then, as a double bonus, when i do get to sleep, i have nightmares again.  yay.  nothing more fun than making friends with people, and then watching them all fall to their deaths at the same time.  so that makes it hard to stay asleep when i do get there.  which also is not a lot of fun.

however, other than "sleeping sucks now," this doesn't seem like that hard of a thing to do.  so, maybe sammy isn't really an alcoholic, just a habitual drunk.  yay?  plus, maybe i'll lose weight or something?  whatever.  sorry for getting weird.

again.

still.

three comics

they're all about scat, so.  you know.  you might not like them.

• Eriko's Perpetual Motion
• Junko's Extracurricular Excretion Activities
• Nasty Maid Cafe+ ~Their Day Off~ 

so maybe sitting around all day looking at porn isn't the most productive thing

like forever ago, i posted this thing, which is by sumomo dou.

and then today i read all the stuff that's in english, and some of the stuff that isn't.

this is a good one, without as much of the weirder grosser stuff that shows up a lot.

The Exhibition: Glass

The Exhibition: Glass
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-exhibition-glass.html