yay! more impending depression!

i probably should have realized when writing stopped being fun that it was probably a sign of a depression attack.  that's not the right word, but whatever.  things have been ok-ish all week, and then today it just seemed like nothing was right, and everything was junky, and nothing was good.

i think a large chunk of this is holiday related stuff.  i hate the holidays, and i probably always will.  stupid consumerism, stupid fake caring about people that get ignored every other stupid day of the year, stupid telling people that you like them for one day, so here's a gift everyone feels obligated to give.  grump.

i do like christmas tree smell, and some of the music.  my apartment lobby always gets a tree, and i sometimes sit there and smell it for as long as i can before i feel awkward sitting reading junk mail.

but anyway, holidays always make me super aware of my social anxiety, so i'm doing the smart thing, and flying to visit friends for thanskgiving.  wait, that's not the right word.  in any case, it will hopefully not be too bad, and i'll get to see people that i can mostly deal with in real life.

until i get back, and then maybe even until new years, i'm probably just going to be lazy, and not try to get new stuff written.  i'm pretty sure if i tried to force the next part, i'd just end up hating it.


probably not nearly as much as i hate this brain roller coaster, though.