so i finished a project at work.

a big one.  like.  the biggest project ever to be projected onto someone to do.

this is a good thing.  i can relax somewhat compared to the last year.  six months.  whatever.

so i'm totally taking off time next week.  to get my car looked at.  and my brain, if we can schedule that close.  i'm not sure on that last thing.

i'm sorry i'm so crap all the time.  i'm sorry i apologize for me being me.  i'm sorry that everyone can't live the life they dream of all the time.

i'm sorry i'm the worst communist ever, and that i'm not always helping you do better things and achieve more.

i'm sorry i feel so awful about how shitty i feel everyday.

i know dealing with my crazy can't be easy.  i know you probably just want me to write more porn.  i want to write more porn.  my brain is nearly three stories ahead of what i can put down.  this is like getting your dessert before your appetizer.  i get that.  sorry.

i want you all to know that even when you comment with like, "pshaw, sammy.  just do you, ok?"

i know that's just code for "ok, that's fine.  but if you could tame your crazy more, that'd probably be best for everyone."

and yes, i know that.

i have half a bottle of (probably a few years old) antidepressants.  i often look at them and think about taking some.  they fucked up my sex drive super hard.  but i could coast through life a lot more.  things weren't so harsh to deal with.

so i see them, and think about how much i could maybe do better.

sorry about this all.  i wish i could just push this all into a box.

and burn that box.

sorry.

that's the label on this post, i guess.