i should post images at some point

so last time i mentioned that my hard drive with all my stuff crashed.  it turns out that sammy is better at backing things up than she thought. :)

i discovered a "misc videos" folder on my usb drive in the folder that had the handful of videos i knew i had backed up.  this new folder has the entire set of things i had on that disk.  i guess i didn't copy things correctly, so instead of going into the video folder, they went into a new one?

whatever.  things aren't as bad as i feared.


and then this morning i had another weird dream thing.  it took place in my apartment, but it wasn't my apartment.  the best description would be like a temple, like a mayan thing or something.  i say that because at the end of the hall, there was a really long staircase/pyramid thing going down to the street.

in any case, i'm there with (who i guess is) my Mistress.  She's leading me on a leash, as i walk on my hands and knees.  my hands are covered in mitts, but i can still bend my fingers.  my legs are covered in latex stockings, although they have steel inserts in the feet.  the inserts hold my feet so that they're pointed, but since i'm crawling, this isn't really a problem.

She brings me down to the end of the hall, and we're at the top of the staircase.  i see some ballet boots and shoes, and pick up the shoes and look up at my Mistress.  She responds with a "fine, you can wear them, but it's not like it's going to make a difference." i realize that's because the steel insert does the same thing, but i don't care, and slide the shoes on my feet.  i can't lace them up, since i can't use my fingers.

we start down the stairs, and i can see that there's a group assembling at the bottom.  i'm not sure what's going on, but with the calm tug of the leash, i know that things will be ok.

and then i wake up in a fairly happy mood.

because i have to wake up early tomorrow, so making a blog post at 12:30 is totally a good idea

for like the second time in a year, the hard drive with all my porn movies died.  last time, i was able to convince it to live long enough so i could copy most of it off to a new one, but this time, it looks like it's all dead.

fuck.

the scat stuff, the bondage stuff, the stuff that involves puppies that are so very cute.

gone, i think.

:(

and since the place that i used to get torrents from to get things is gone, i'm probably screwed on a lot of that.  i still have some stuff i wrote to dvds, but i'll have to find those again, since i mistakenly thought "oh, just buy a big hard drive, and put it all there, it'll be ok."

stupid computers

stupid shitty computers that suck at keeping my porn in a place where i can see it whenever i want to.

grumble.

i guess tomorrow i'm going to best buy to get another big hard drive, and i'll save anything new there, and then it'll break, and i'll be without things i thought i'd have forevers.

here's a crappy dream thing:

i had a dream last night that i was going on a trip, and so i zipped up a dog into my suitcase.  not a small dog, mind you.  like german shepherd big.

wtf?

here's the dream thing from friday night (it's better)

i'm at work, but it's not like real work.  it's some idealized "you're at work now, sammy" kind of place.  there's this new girl, or maybe she's not new, but she definitely doesn't actually work at the work i work at.

we're having some sort of meeting, but there aren't enough seats.  she tucks her legs up onto the couch (because that makes sense) and suggests i sit on the floor in front of her, so at least i have something to rest against.

she's taken off her shoes, and her legs are covered in wonderful grey cable knit tights.  they're super thick and bulky, but super cute.

we're having this meeting, and after some time, she stretches out, and wraps her right leg around my neck, pulling me close.  she tucks that foot under herself, and then lets the other one slide down my body.  i'm pretty sure legs aren't that long, but i feel her teasing at my pants, sliding in under my underwear.

it's the next day, and because in my dreams, i'm apparently in high school, i put a note on her desk that's like a valentine with a "do you like me, yes/no" thing on it.

jump forward to the end of the day, and my desk has two tiny envelopes and a book that i loaned out (to the new girl? i guess?).  the envelopes are thick, like they're overstuffed with stuff.  

i pick them up, and rush home, intending to read the notes there.

and then i wake up.

because there's this part of my brain that says share

go watch this video:

it's super cute, and not really super kinky, but kind of so, so like... something...

things to watch out for:

rolled up sock.  like she's wearing the sock, but all the top bit is rolled into a ring.  i totally did that when i was little, and said, "i'm robin", from batman, right?  i had a pair of green socks that i did that with a lot.  maybe that's a sign this sock thing is genetic?

panda hat.  no reason.  just a super cute panda hat.

can't sleep and OMGOMGOMG!

did you see Mr. Veterinarian's last piece of art?

it maybe stars a certain kinky sammy!

OMG!

i can't believe that he would really want to draw someone like me....i need to make sure he has good references for next time.


and maybe sort out a proper story for that picture....

i would love to be in that suit...to have that nose snuffling my snufflables... :-P

today was an unhappy day

i mean, having someone else fuck up my car totally sucks.  i think it's all ok, but being there going "you're fucking up my car!" is not a fun way to spend an evening.

ok

breathe.

happy thoughts

here's the "clean" version of the half-dream/half-daydream i've been having after waking up too early for my alarm:


i'm awake, but i have help.

first, they wrap me in like linen bandages.  legs individually, torso, maybe a bit of extra fun around the breasts, then down my arms, individually again, folding my hands into loose fists.

mummy sammy!

next, the leather.  they scoot me into leather pants, which somehow don't bunch up the linen?  dream magic is cool.  anyway, they end in foot-mittens.  or...i guess they're just leather tights? next up is the straight jacket.  arms in position, wrap around my tummy, locked in place.  also locked to the pants.

there's a bit of a hood, but nothing too harsh.

finally, a sleepsuit kind of over-thing.  it's a single piece that covers me from toe to head, compressing my legs together and holding my arms tightly to my torso.  there are appropriate holes where needed, but tightly covers me, and holds the leather second layer in place.  there are rings at my head and at my feet, and i know they're so i can be suspending in whatever position necessary.


and, unlike usually, this is where i wrap up in my sheets and pillows, and usually go back to sleep all happy and warm feeling.  :)

happy thoughts!

yeah, i removed some posts

they didn't seem appropriate, even if i do support my thoughts in them.


but anyway

here's a dream thing

i'm in a city, but not my city.  i go "home", but an ex is there.  she's all super bitchy and angry and stuff, and talks about all the people in my life she's had sex with to spite me.  somehow that devolves into us in bed. kissing.  like whoa kissing.  the kind of kissing that makes you half wake up, and snuggle up to some blankets and pillows, you know?

and then everything is all better again?

but she has kids now, so i take them to the grocery store.  one of them (a boy?) wants some candy, but only in cherry.  cherry's out, so i give him strawberry, and lie that it's totally cherry.  little kids are dumb, so he believes me.  yay?

somehow i walk home, but now my ex is like a 1970s sterotypical exploitation movie black girl, with afro and everything.  she tried to kill herself, but the kids are there (but way younger).

so this.

this is way beyond anything i know how to rationalize.  the ex thing, ok. i get that.  the everything else though....

dear brain, stop being dumb, love, sammy!

another dream

i'm... suburbs?

anyway, his daughter is a lesbian, and is rebelling against him.  he's upset about this, and i seem to be the target of his anger.  maybe it's because he thinks i'm turning her?  she's too young, it's not ok to do that.  maybe it's just anxiety about my own family here?

days pass.  it's all ok.

i'm thirsty now, so i look down in the garden.

there's a fairy, and she's got a catheter so i can drink from her.

because this is my dream, and in my dream, you can totally suck the piss from a tiny pixie.

but then i see this device.  it talks to me in japanese, and i can just piece together the words.  it tells me that it's available for just 19.99! it's a bargain!

so i get infomercials in my dreams now?


 but it's a feeder for when you're on  vacation, but don't want your pet to die.

it tells me that it accepts urine as a source.

i bend down and confrim that licking the sensor causes it to leak some liquid.  i note how this could work to humiliate people

especially since it talks in Japanese to tell me that it knows i'm a pervert.


then

as always


wake p

arrrgh!

argh!


blah!

arrrrhgghghghghth!


asdflkajsd;lfkjas;ldkgja;lsjga;ls!


argh!

blarrrrrrghthghghghahtaltkhal;kghf;lakdf;lakdshf!


GRARRRARRTTH!

(sorry, just had to shout at things.  shouting over.  feel betters. i will porn it up soon as i can, thanks for sticking around. :-P)

wah wah wah!

i know i have emails i need to respond to

i know i have new Mr. Anonymous-es to convert to understanding that i don't care who you really are, i just want you to converse in the comments like everyone else.  we're all accepted here, you know?

i have so much work stuff that i feel drown-y sometimes.  then i take a nap and everything seems way way better


and then

those naps

there's this totally kinky thing i've been thinking, during the quiet happy time where you wake up, but the alarm is all "you've got 20 minutes, bitch," and so you sit and wonder, and think happy things, and snuggle all warm and happy, and everything is right with the world?

then that fucking beeper beeps all over the place telling you to wake up and go work and earn money and make The Man happy.

:-/

but during that quiet happy time, i've come up with a quiet happy story, and i need to get it down, and i'm hopeing to do it this week.


thanks for sticking around!

another late night sammy confidence booster post

i had 27 people visit me on okcupid.  but like, all of them were 51% matches.  that's like saying "you're terrible, sammy, so here are some terrible people you won't like to date.  enjoy being miserable"

and that's why i avoid my online dating shit.  i set it up, and then let it roam free, because i'm sure no one will ever love me the right way.

"oh, sammy, that's not true!"

you're nice, and that's nice, but we both know that i'm damaged, right?  you'll do everything i ask, but when i ask you to do something new, you'll be stunned, and i'll be hurt, and the drama will overcome everyone.

if you know someone who might be depressed or whatever, realize that this is totally how they see things.  because i do exactly that.  the more you get close to me, the more i push away.

hedgehog dilemma.

anyone know a fix?

dream story thing

i bend over, and clip my collar to a ring on the floor with one of those snappy-close key chain things (that let you clip your keys to things).  i start drinking out of the bowl on the floor, and then a minute later, someone reaches down and unclips me.

"hey, what are you doing, i'm not a slave!" i say.

"the moment you bound yourself to the floor, you were a slave.  those are the rules," she replies.


then i woke up.

so..this is my "random notes" from dream stuff

train

sally (supposed to), kelly (friendly), dawn (friend)
vac girl

mysterious church
dormatory/hospital
open room
release girl
bath, pee
reseal her
catch train back
sally sad

--------------------------------------

hrm...

so here was how this was supposed to be. i'm on a train to london (nevermind i don't live anywhere close to there, that's just how it is).  i talk with some people (sally,kelly, dawn), but we end up in a weird church.  it's like a theater, but all stone and empty.  we wander some more, and up in the hospital. we find this girl, who's trapped in a vacuum bed like thing.  we let her out, and she takes a bath with us, and then she says "i need to pee" and does so, and i drink it all down.

but, she is in the hospital, right? so we can't leave her like this, so we put her back in her bag, and seal her back up.  i then all normal like get back to the train, and sally, who i was supposed to be dating? or going out with? or something? she's all upset that i spent my time with the vacuum girl, and i guess kelly and dawn?  i remember kind of a 'hey, let's spend more time together" kind of thing with kelly, but this is where things broke down, and i woke up all "whoa...i'd totally love to smother in that vacuum girl's pussy".

ok?

MR. VETERINARIAN!

He has new stuff!

go look!

poke around, because i just linked to one, and i think he has like three new ones now!

thank you for making new things, Mr. Veterinarian!  i love everything you do!

:D

OMG GO CLICKY NOW!

gah

i just declined two different girls on two different date sites.  i am the worst at valentines day ever.

i wish someone would show up and be like "hey sammy, let's go be cool together."

that would make this whole thing much simpler.

also: dear social anxiety, it'd be great if you'd just kill yourself and be gone, ok?  THX SAMMY!

girl on left

totally me because i had the same reaction when i saw this picture

also: om nom black pantyhose ;)

wah

do you know hannah hart?

she's this youtube lesbian who's going around places soon, but probably not hawaii. :(

but, i'm catching up on her youtube stuff for her tour, and she's totally who i want to meet

like...you know "meet"?

everyone's with me here, right?

anyway, i totes have a story that came up last night, i just need to make the words for it.  i hope you enjoy it, although it's not a lot of bondage or sex or stuff...just like a thought?

a thought that made me snooze my alarm for twenty minutes until i could get off and whatnot.

huh

i only just now learned about dorothy parker.

am i the only one to think she's super really cute?

why am i crying if i'm not sad?

so i'm not really sad, everything is still generally going ok for me, especially compared to how things were before.

but i was listening to crap on youtube, linked to this, and tears.  like all over tears.  :-/

so about a month ago, my bachan died.  she was really old, and she'd been having strokes for a few years, and even though whenever i visited, she was mostly the same as she'd been when i was little, i could tell that she was super thin, and no matter what, it was clear that sometimes there was a fog that would pass through her mind.  you just have to wait through it, and wait for her to return.

then she had another really bad one, and never woke up again.

it's sad, but in some ways, she'd had a full life, and it can't last forever.  i know she wasn't really happy once her health was in decline, so it's less of a loss and all, and i have a thousand other ways to console myself that death isn't something to be feared or hated.

but still.

anyway, i just wanted to get some thoughts down somewhere, and now i need to go blow my nose.

i ate a lot of ham today

it was tasty ham, but not the traditional turkey.

dunno why, just thought people would be interested.

if you've posted a comment, i totally intend to reply, i've just been lazy.  or ham-filled.  is that an excuse?

i also have stuff i want to post, but organizing and posting....blah....maybe being less crazy all the time is really impacting my kinks.  still, i'd totes trade less crazy for just about anything.

thanks for sticking with me and super loves to everybody!

just to say hi, i guess

super busy at work, with like piles of crap to do all the time, and they all need to be done like yesterday, and why is it taking so long, sammy, you can do better.

and sadness, because sadness is always there with me.

and new therapist, because old therapist is quitting to take care of family.  new therapist sounds like parody of soviet ambassador.  he also quotes new agey crap to me like it's deep, and gave me a summary of voltaire's candide that i think was largely made up, based on what wikipedia tells me it's about.  not a good start, so i'm thinking about cancelling and trying to find someone new.

because i don't want to be told that i'm lonely because i don't relax around people.  i know i don't relax around people, i told you that.  i don't like having to deal with lots of people all at once like in person.  it's just...too...how do you make everyone like you?  and then you don't, and you look dumb, and you know they talked about it later.  if only someone cared about the things you do do well, enough to note that you're not just always the awkward one sipping coffee and eating a cookie and hoping no one comes over to chat.

how is breathing differently going to fix that, new therapist?  i can't do your instant relaxation/trance/hypnosis crap in the middle of a party.  i'll pass out and they'll call an ambulance.  that wouldn't be super awkward to deal with. at. all.  "let's not invite sammy this time.  she kind of freaked out and we had to call 911 and all."

super helpful, dr russia.

at least the anti depressant i'm still on keeps most of the worst things down.  my suicide level is still at like 0, which is at least comforting.  i kind of feel like the drugs are a little voice in my head saying, "whoa, calm down there.  let's just not worry about that, and it'll work out ok."

problem is, the bitch says the same thing to like "let's do dishes" and "that's a lot of garbage, maybe we should take that out."

so sometimes i feel like one of those crazy hoarder people.  wow, that would suck.

and sometimes i read stories or see people and make up my own story about them, and terrify myself.  like the old guy at the grocery store who had his wallet on a chain, and some snack bars, and a fanny pack with his money, and a plastic bag of change, and some listerine.  my story for him was that he realized one day that he was losing it.  like major losing it, and in those last few days/weeks/months of sentience, set up a system for himself that ensured he'd not lose his wallet, and keep all his important stuff strapped to him, so when the madness took hold, he would be prepared because his not-crazy self had set him up to deal with the world.

and then i went home and cried for like an hour.  how is that not the saddest story ever?  someone so alone that when their mind goes, they're the only one that can fight back against the madness and the world?  worse: what if that's my own fate, since i have so much trouble connecting with people?  am i going to be driving a robocart around safeway in a few decades, money and keys taped to places that i instinctively know, because that's where they always were ("i'll set up a routine so things are in place, so if i lose it, the routine will help keep things going as long as i can follow the plan").

it's halloween today, i guess.  give me your vampires and witches and zombies any day of the week.  the fear of living alone forever until my mind fades to the point where i'm barely aware of my situation, and have to rely on either my previous self to have protected me, or random strangers being paid $8.75 an hour to make sure i don't shit myself or walk into the street.  which is scarier to you?