when somebody loved me

i'm sad.  about a lot of things.  i have to get up early to go to therapy tomorrow.  that's kind of a sticking point on the sad.

i don't want to go.  she was kind of condescending last time, with a "i don't think these are real panic attacks."  and "maybe try exercising" and "write down when you have these attacks".

which i didn't do.  i didn't exercise, because exercise sucks, and makes me ache all over.  and i compiled a list in my head of shit that made me panic attack, but i never wrote it down, so either i'm rushing my homework tomorrow, or just going in to say it in words, and accept that she's not going to buy that.

i mean, i guess the biggest problem here is that she was super dismissive in my first session, so i kind of just want her to go away.  so i'm thinking about skipping, since, you know, fuck her, right?

but that's probably an unhealthy urge.  everybody deserves two sessions, right?  even if she didn't read any of my paperwork before our first meeting.  she's busy, right?  she just wasn't "meh, whatever.  i get paid either way."

let's organize thoughts here for then, if i'm willing to pop this up in the office.

1. panic attack about what to get for dinner.  sat in the parking lot at work for ten minutes trying to sort out a solution.  i had nothing in the freezer for emergency food, so i had to get something out.  taco bell.  taco bell is always there.
1. taco bell always tastes like ash and failure.
2. the saturday i had a panic attack about going to therapy.  what if i do this and never ever get better?  this led to puking in the shower as i tried to calm down.  shower puke is the most convenient, but least fun form of puke.
3. the parking lot at the place for dinner was full.  should i bother?  nope.  let's run off to the far side of the mountains to get something dumb for dinner.  sure, it'll take even longer than just waiting here, but i get to run away.  no one can catch you if you're running.
4. i keep having fantasies about quitting my job.  "fuck you, and fuck you for lying to me about getting a raise!"  i don't know if he's lying, but it's been so long, it just feels like it must be a lie.
5. my hobbies are:
1. reading the internet for current events shit
2. reading tumblr for super offensive porn
3. reading pixiv for even more super more offensiver porn
4. recreational math, because i'm dumb like that.
5. not cleaning things.
6. i don't have friends because i constantly see the flaws in other people, and assume everyone else finds similar flaws in me, and if being with them pains me so much, me being with them must pain them so much more.
7. it's better this way.  i can stay locked away at home, and we can all just enjoy my nonsense until i eventually choke on puke and make a splot on the floor.
1. i recognize that this isn't a healthy thought.

but, also, consider:

1. people actively lock up dogs and pets in places where they can't get food or water or exercise.  intentionally.  to "teach a lesson".  i'm the same kind of thing as that monster.  why is my level of monster less?
2. people think that poor people are gross leeches who should be cut off to fix their own problems.  and then complain that they steal and shit in alleys.  i'm not surprised a lot of homeless people have mental illness problems trying to sort through that shit.
3. people are like "my sky god tells me you're a sinner because your love isn't listed in his big book of love.  i mean, marrying slaves is listed in the big book of love!"  we've had thousands of years to pull heads from asses.  why would we go back to thinking that any healthy relationship isn't cool?
4. racism.  sexism.  wtf?  just wtf?  do you know how much i hate seeing great porn with a tumblr comment of like "yeah, fuck that ugly nigger bitch in her stupid bitch cunt"?  what is wrong with people?

so, in conclusion, i eagerly await the day a surprise comet collides with the planet and incinerates everyone, because, seriously, you know we're kind of all awful in our own ways.

also, fuck that jerk-ass fucking yahweh of genesis 18:22.  "ok, fine, if I can find 10 decent people, i won't blow it the fuck up."  that's his price.  infinite power, but can only work on units of "whole cities", and has a minimum friendly fire value of 10 people.  "oh, but i'm going to knock up your wife.  you know.  as a favor.  that's how i roll."  honestly, how do people read their own religious texts and stick with that nonsense?

i hate everything and everyone, and wish i could just die.

this is probably going away soon, so.  you know.  get your comments in fast if you want to.