ok, republished a bunch of stuff that didn't need to get memory holed.

hi everybody.  i hope you're doing well.  i'm doing...sammy-style well, i guess.

i visited my best friend for thanksgiving.  in doing so, i had a sequence of panic attacks that i guess to normal people seem like a massive warning sign.  so, she made me promise to talk to therapists some more.  which i haven't scheduled, because i'm pretty much the worst fuck up ever.  but i plan to get to it. i'm hoping i can kill the brain noise tomorrow and make it happen.

she also wants me to quit my job and move to where she lives.  "because even if you're crazy, you're the smartest fucking bitch i know, and i'm sure you can get a job here."

which is weird to hear.  i mostly fight the noise in my brain telling me how dumb i am, and having outside contradiction is weird.  i'm thinking about it.  move away somewhere where i have at least one friend, and so at least one person to do things with.

two people.  her daughter is thoroughly convinced that i'm her friend, not "mama's friend." which is cute, but little kids are just jerks, and the only thing you can do about that is to give them hugs so they can't be a jerk all over, just in your arms.

so, i think i wanted to put this into an assessment.  maybe an end of year thing, maybe just a "i haven't posted my thoughts in a long time." thing.

i'm less suicidal.  i'm not zero suicidal, just not so much.  i'm unclear how to explain this in therapy.

i'm far more anxious.  trivial things set me off into horrible cascades of panic.  on my trip, i got stuck in a car due to parking.  i was hyperventilating for ten minutes after the solution of "sammy can get out if i back the car up six feet" happened.  this is not fun, and i wish i had more xanax to deal with it.

or that vicodin cough syrup.  just saying.  because that was just liquid bliss.

so yeah.  i probably have addiction issues i should work on, too.

my plan, though, is this:

1. i feel like shit all the time, because i don't see how i'm not shit.
1. things that suggest i'm not shit are caused by stupid people, who can't see how shit i am.
2. besides, it doesn't matter too much, because a disturbing fraction of the country thinks that being a fascist is just A-ok to them.
1. and if you're a fascist, kill yourself, ok?  just take a knife, start up by your elbow, and then pull down hard and fast until you reach wrist.  repeat 3-7 times, until all your bright red juice is outside, where it belongs.
2. because omgwtfbbq? registering people by religion?  we all know religion is all made up fake shit, so why not acknowledge that?
3. also, it's great being a mentally unstable lesbian who can't form relationships, because that means i'm nicely guaranteed to not have to apologize to my kids when the world they grow up in is a contaminated mess that can no longer support life.  
1. in the mean time, i'm totally eating all the ahi and unagi i can.  they're doomed, we're doomed, i'm having a delicious lunch.
4. poop?  having my brain means occasionally forgetting the whole theme.
5. so "party".  this is going to happen someday.  it's all there, i have large chunks of dialogue, i just need to push it together and make it happen.  it's essential to the overall storyline, even if it contains approximately zero sex.  it's character development.  you learn about Annie so much that you see she's not some psycho, she's just someone who makes mistakes and then grows to love those mistakes.  you also see that Sammy is stunningly not the moron she's been portrayed as.  how do these realizations work in the future?  no clue.  i only have the very final end planned, and it's a depressing shit storm.
6. i just need to get "spa treatment" done.  there is nothing holding this up other than my unwillingness to sit and write and make it finished.  i think i've dragged this out like three years at this point.  it's been planned top to bottom since three days after i started.  why is this so so so so hard to do?
7. i love you.  not that we'll really meet ever, but you stop over to read this shit.  i love you.  i hope that the therapy can help me get to the point where i cn love me too, but just accept that this is the best i can do right now.