i hate myself, and this is a reason why.

last time i visited my parents, we went to get groceries.

"no, sammy, what?  get this meat, it cheaper."

that's the meat from the discount bin.  like, "hey, this rots like tomorrow, so buy it cheap today and use it or freeze it."

and today, i was at the store, buying stupid shit to eat when i'm drunk.  "no, sammy, what?  get this chips, it cheaper."

because then i save 39 cents.

"what do you do with your money, sammy?"

mostly?  i just waste it on shit i never eat, or clothes i throw out because i don't like how they look, or on gas to drive around the island and avoid my brain by making it not crash the car into people who aren't awful wastes of space.


i don't even know how to describe this feeling.  "i make more money than i need, but waste pretty much all the excess on stupid shit to dull the pain i feel from living my life."  ennui?  "sure, sammy, if you're some sort of fancy-pants from 1927".

so.

"stop being such a selfish stupid cunt, you fucking horrible selfish cunt!"


brb.

going to drink enough to kill this feeling.

--


dear this feeling,

if i could hold you under water, i would hold you down until you stopped making bubbles, until you turned a delightful shade of blue.  i hope i find some way to set you on fire, just so i can make smores while you roast away into glorious heat.

i fucking hate you forever,
sammy