hey there, the internet people!

so shit's been shitty recently.  i did a birthday thing last month, and ate a piece of cake and some fermented pineapple for dinner.

because i'm cool like that, and sometimes you can't deal with life, and so you panic and have to eat what you have in your fridge because you don't trust yourself to go out to the store and buy food.

this is where being crazy depressed hurts a lot, i think.  when i was a kid, we'd always do the family dinner things, and i got used to that kind of thing, and then when i grew up, it just got...lonely.

honestly, the number of times i've had to quickly park my car because i started crying when i didn't know what i wanted to do for dinner.  earlier last month, i went to my favorite ramen place.  then, panicking the next day, i went there again, because my brain couldn't remember any other food.

so yeah.  my brain is all sorts of fucked up right now.  i know i need to go find a new therapist, and see about getting back on drugs.  i have some leftovers, but i'm a bit wary about just being all "fuck it, let's be our own doctor!"  i think i could.  i should count and see how many i have.  i think i did a refill before i quit, so there's at least three months worth.

but since we can't have robot therapists, they end up being people.  and dealing with people is the hardest thing i have to deal with each day.

"whoa, whoa, whoa, sammy! we're people!"  you say.

no, you're internet people.  you live on the internet, where everyone looks super cute, or like a cat or something, or maybe bender from futurama.  some of you are objects, i guess.  the point is:

i don't interact with you the same way.  i can write crazy shit here, and post it, and then sober up the next day and pull it down.  or leave it up, and hope no one comments, and then when people do (including people who are just super wonderful about everything), i can trick my email to skip that message so i don't have to read what they said until i'm ready for it.

basically: i can deal with you on my terms, without having the constant panic attacks that happen in real life.

i know this isn't healthy, and i need to work on it.  so i'm going to see if i can make october a "try to work on it, ok?" month.

my plans?

1. this weekend, i  will take out the piles of trash in my kitchen.
1. if possible, i will also put dishes into the dishwasher, and make them clean.
2. i have started the plan of "dear sammy, you can buy frozen dinners and eat them.  some of them aren't horribly unhealthy, so you might even lose weight!  in any case, keep three or more dinners in the freezer so you have something to eat, even when you don't feel like eating or like you are worthy of eating".  fuck i'm crying.  shit.  fuck fuck.
1. frozen tikka masala is better than hawaii store tikka masala.  wtf is up with that?
3. let's throw out all the old clothes we don't wear, and the shit that's in the hamper i haven't emptied in two years, and then put the clothes we do wear in that hamper.  not this weekend.  do it this month.  it's ok to walk on month old dirty underwear for a bit.
4. vacuum the parts of the apartment that aren't covered in trash or clothes or books or junk mail.  it's not everything, but do a thing to try to help some.

yeah, that's not sexy, is it?

sorry.  but this is my blog, and i have to try to get my brain sorted out, and i think these are things i can try to do, and see in a month's time if i've done enough of them.

i really, really wish my old therapist hadn't retired.  i think i'd be much better today.  but, everyone has to do the things they can to make their own life what they want, right?

thanks everyone.  really.  i know i'm shitty at the kink stuff now.  i'm trying to keep up on tumblr, with pictures and stuff.  i have two exhibition stories planned (or at least the idea is there).  i think "glass" may be two parts, but i wrote the outline, then decided it was a bit too abusive, and so now i have to rework it to make it not make my brain hurt.

sorry.