i'm going to do a sad poor-sammy post again.
but i don't have people to vent to in real life, so i put my sad angry feelings here, and that helps somewhat.
i've been re-trying my ambien the last few days to see if they help me sleep better.
turns out that led to me getting a popsicle at whatever-am, falling asleep with it on my face in bed, and leaving the freezer door open.
so i had a fun morning throwing out everything in my freezer and cleaning up all the icky juice shit it all left behind.
and then i go to work, and it's just explosion of shit after explosion of shit. i just don't even want to deal with it anymore.
which leads to cutting thoughts.
because everything leads to cutting thoughts now-a-days.
and that's when i sit back, and look at some cute animal pictures, and try to not cry all night long.
because i'm afraid that if i start crying, i'll start bleeding again.
i hate this life. more than i've hated anything ever. i hate that i break down like this, and i hate that i have to dump it out for people to see to keep me from hurting myself. this isn't right, this isn't cool, and the fact that this is the best way for me to deal with things is just horrible.
i really don't post these looking for sympathy or shit like that. i just don't have another way to vent any of my anger. i could tell the jerk in my office to "go the fuck home, because if you cough every ten seconds, you're probably sick, fuckhead!" but then my boss would have to deal with hr issues, and i shouldn't dump my issues on others. i could tell my other boss to stop being so stupid, but he's dealing with a kid, and so sometimes he's dumb because he went home early.
basically, i could yell at people, but that wouldn't do anyone any good, so i get this build up of angry yells, and they don't have a target i'm willing to point them at, so they start eating up into me.
so i get more sads than usual, and then i have a cry out with you.
sorry that you have to listen to my crazy rambles and rants, when a lot of you just wish i'd finish the next part of that story. i'm trying. it's about half done? i really like the ending of this one, so i wish i could just get to it and show you all. i'm tempted to put up a "here's the outline" thing, but then it'd be lots of spoilers, and you'd get bored when the real story didn't live up to your expectations from the outline.
sigh.
i hate being such a failure and having everyone think i'm so great when i'm not.
Hi sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time and I really hope that you feel in a better place soon. I think that your concern for your co-workers and boss is really sweet of you. Having a blog is a good place to rant.
ReplyDeleteI like your stories, they're a turn on but also fun and well written (not a common combination in the on line world). But I'm sure all your fans are happy for you to take your time in writing them.
Rant as much as you need to.
mostly it's just that i know that if i really raise my concerns about people, there's just going to be lots of drama and anger, and although it may be best in the long run, it's going to be even more stressful shortterm. plus, like...everyone's the star of their own story, right?
Deleteexcept me. i'm totally this random bit part that people remember later.
but like, what do i gain from being mean to other people? except maybe if they're like conservative jerks or something. those people probably aren't the star of any story.
but yeah, i kind of just have to rant someplace, and i know people don't come here for rants, but i don't think my ranting rants are so annoying people would be like "fuck you, sammy, you're dumb and ugly and i hate your dumb ugly face." mostly because i haven't gotten any emails like that.
and i'm super happy you like the stories! i do try to make them the best i can. i can see lots of problems with what i write (i don't do real dialogue as much as people do. people go "blah blah blah" "no! blah blah different blah!" "oh! blah blah blah blah!" I need to get my stories to do that. but i do try to do this while writing:
1) do i like where things are going?
2) do i want to hug people in the story?
3) do i think other people will want to do the same?
and until i'm happy with all of that, i sit and pound on it until it's done.
well,,,except "breakfast." that was totally a drunken "just put it down and get it out because everyone needs to know how this finishes because this is the only way it can finish."
arg. the autogenic thing from my previous reply is finishing, so i should go to sleep instead of rambling. thanks for being super cool Mr/Mrs Reader!
love
sammy
video 1 i found had some angry german (? maybe?) lady telling me to do things, and that made my back tense up.
ReplyDeletevideo 2 had this really loud guitar thing, but it was just one note randomly after another, and i tensed up more waiting for the next one to finally hit.
video 3...apparently has a russian lady? it's video of hawaii though, because i don't think anyplace else has the same mountains as the north shore.
basically, the russian lady is telling me the same things my therapist did before i stopped therapy. so yay on that. she's actually kind of relaxing to listen to. not like german lady. so now that's all bookmarked and we'll see if it helps next time i have such a strong attack.
thanks!
love,
sammy