i ate a lot of ham today

it was tasty ham, but not the traditional turkey.

dunno why, just thought people would be interested.

if you've posted a comment, i totally intend to reply, i've just been lazy.  or ham-filled.  is that an excuse?

i also have stuff i want to post, but organizing and posting....blah....maybe being less crazy all the time is really impacting my kinks.  still, i'd totes trade less crazy for just about anything.

thanks for sticking with me and super loves to everybody!

just to say hi, i guess

super busy at work, with like piles of crap to do all the time, and they all need to be done like yesterday, and why is it taking so long, sammy, you can do better.

and sadness, because sadness is always there with me.

and new therapist, because old therapist is quitting to take care of family.  new therapist sounds like parody of soviet ambassador.  he also quotes new agey crap to me like it's deep, and gave me a summary of voltaire's candide that i think was largely made up, based on what wikipedia tells me it's about.  not a good start, so i'm thinking about cancelling and trying to find someone new.

because i don't want to be told that i'm lonely because i don't relax around people.  i know i don't relax around people, i told you that.  i don't like having to deal with lots of people all at once like in person.  it's just...too...how do you make everyone like you?  and then you don't, and you look dumb, and you know they talked about it later.  if only someone cared about the things you do do well, enough to note that you're not just always the awkward one sipping coffee and eating a cookie and hoping no one comes over to chat.

how is breathing differently going to fix that, new therapist?  i can't do your instant relaxation/trance/hypnosis crap in the middle of a party.  i'll pass out and they'll call an ambulance.  that wouldn't be super awkward to deal with. at. all.  "let's not invite sammy this time.  she kind of freaked out and we had to call 911 and all."

super helpful, dr russia.

at least the anti depressant i'm still on keeps most of the worst things down.  my suicide level is still at like 0, which is at least comforting.  i kind of feel like the drugs are a little voice in my head saying, "whoa, calm down there.  let's just not worry about that, and it'll work out ok."

problem is, the bitch says the same thing to like "let's do dishes" and "that's a lot of garbage, maybe we should take that out."

so sometimes i feel like one of those crazy hoarder people.  wow, that would suck.

and sometimes i read stories or see people and make up my own story about them, and terrify myself.  like the old guy at the grocery store who had his wallet on a chain, and some snack bars, and a fanny pack with his money, and a plastic bag of change, and some listerine.  my story for him was that he realized one day that he was losing it.  like major losing it, and in those last few days/weeks/months of sentience, set up a system for himself that ensured he'd not lose his wallet, and keep all his important stuff strapped to him, so when the madness took hold, he would be prepared because his not-crazy self had set him up to deal with the world.

and then i went home and cried for like an hour.  how is that not the saddest story ever?  someone so alone that when their mind goes, they're the only one that can fight back against the madness and the world?  worse: what if that's my own fate, since i have so much trouble connecting with people?  am i going to be driving a robocart around safeway in a few decades, money and keys taped to places that i instinctively know, because that's where they always were ("i'll set up a routine so things are in place, so if i lose it, the routine will help keep things going as long as i can follow the plan").

it's halloween today, i guess.  give me your vampires and witches and zombies any day of the week.  the fear of living alone forever until my mind fades to the point where i'm barely aware of my situation, and have to rely on either my previous self to have protected me, or random strangers being paid $8.75 an hour to make sure i don't shit myself or walk into the street.  which is scarier to you?

my vag

this was just so....

i had to share.

it's unrelated to most everything, but stilll, seemed shareable
:)

go read this!

sunstone

he uploaded pdf files of all the comics in order so it's easy to read!
:)

story time

mostly because i'm sick of remembering a story, and then losing the link and having to search for random terms until i find it again.  so, anyway, here are a bunch of stories i can never remember the titles of, but like a bunch and wanted to share.  also some other stories i found today that looked good, but i maybe haven't read all the way through.

My Life as a Dog.  i think this is one of the first petplay stories i ever read, and even though it's sadly unfinished, it still turns me on.  the description of being treated as an animal while everyone else is still human is great.

The Stables. kind of a neat little willing transformation story i found.  again, humiliation is kind of a big part of the mood.

High Heeled Hell.  this is a messier, more violent story, but when i first read it years ago, it really turned me on in the same way that dolcett's images do.

Cannibal 4H. same thing with this one.  messy and violent, but with something that really tweaks my mind.

Jasmine's Lament. a bit of violence in this one, but mostly a wonderful story of selfbondage/pony training that gets out of hand.  i like the idea of selfbondage that is so strict, it's impossible to get out, and basically makes you a slave to your idea.

Sister Victoria's Secret.  a cop goes undercover to stop criminals.  she has to pretend her partner is her mom to fool them.  a story i read once, and then lost (today's post is partially prompted by this one).

Debbie Visits a Spanish Mental Hospital. i remember reading this before, and liking it, but i don't remember any details right now.  i guess i need to read it again.

Nurse Joy in Trouble.  another that i read around the same time as the previous one.  joy is trapped in an abandoned psych ward by other nurses, and is bound and humiliated.  fun times. ;)


Kim's Tail.  ex-wives go to collect their inheritance on a tropical island, and get enslaved by automated training cells and turned into pony/puppy/pet girls.  another story i can never remember the title of.

ok, so this is silly

i woke up early this morning for some reason, and turned on the tv.  the olympics were on like every channel, so i chose one and kind of half watched, half dozed.  i think it was archery or something, and then it ended, and then they switched to women's soccer (maybe i changed the channel, it was early and i was sleepy :-P).

i watched enough to notice that the team from Cameroon had really bright yellow socks, and then this story kind of popped into my head all at once.  again, it's silly and not super sexy (as in, there's no sex in it), but i had to get it all down.  check the labels to see if you think you'd be interested before clicking through.

Olympic Volunteer

kind of a sammy update

so i've kind of sorted out the battery of drugs that i need to take each day, and i discovered saturday that skipping them isn't that good of an idea.  by the end of the day, i was cranky and whiny and had the suicide thoughts bouncing around again.  sunday was better, as i took my pills again and sorted stuff out in my brain, and today (monday) has been just peachy.

i guess that's rule #1, don't take a day off. ever. because you'll notice and be all hidey and bitchy.

a lot of the panic stuff has subsided, and i have to go on work trips next month that i'm sure would have sent old me into panicky messes.  i have my regular drugs to keep me sane, and my special drugs to keep me from overwhelming myself.


as much as i post here, i "post" less in real life, it seems.  i can kind of feel myself becoming more distant from other people, which kind of makes this loneliness feeling aggravated.

i'm not posting this to get like, "oh, you're pretty sammy, you can make friends and be not lonely!" comments.  i'm lonely because having to deal with people in a like "real" aspect still terrifies me.  i thought about putting up a okcupid profile, but then had to calm down from a panic attack about "what if someone contacts me?"

these are dumb things to worry about, but it doesn't mean that i can just kick them out of my head.  i may have linked to this comic series before, but i'm doing it again.  my current drugs keep the suicidal thought suppressed, but a lot of the anxiety and worry and insecurities still pop through.

my best friend has a new baby that is like 100000 cutes crammed into a tiny body.  i look at her, and can do what is apparently a better job at baby-management than most people my friends know.  but, still, deep inside, i have this feeling that i will never make one of these, because i'll never find someone who gets me enough that we could get to that level.

anyway, enough rambling.  i'll try to get more porn out more regularly, but i'm not guaranteeing anything.

thanks for sticking with crazy sammy ;)

Oh! Going away!

i'll be gone for like a week or so, so don't expect my really erratic posts to continue while i'm gone.

i'm also going away the week after i get back, so it's like a "travel sandwich" for me this month.

i'll try to keep up with email and stuff, but maybe won't be able to do so.  i'll sort it all out after i get back.

and yes, sammy is still feeling much better now than she was way back at the beginning of hte year (or bad more).  i have lots of drugs, and they keep my brain in happy places that prevent the worst bits from sneaking out and trying to get me.

is anyone else reading this?

in this comment, Mr. Veterinarian pointed me toward the Nana and Kaoru comic. Thank you very much, Mr. Veterinarian!

i've been pretty much hooked on it ever since, sneaking in chapters when ever i can.  i've basically spent all of today reading it, and i'm just now like halfway through it, i guess.

it's super well written, with realistic feelings and personalities and generally the same kind of things i've thought before, but couldn't put into real words.  it's also totally the kind of relationship i wish i could find, although i've shouted "just kiss already!" at the screen like a bunch of times already.

anyway, i just wanted to say how much i love this comic, and wish it would be published here.  ok, time to eat something (because i totally lost track of time) and then get back to reading chapter 38.5!

no story

it's just too fragmented, so i'm thinking i might just try to come up with something new instead.  here are the things i remember:

• i was in a mall or market of some sort, and as i was about to go down some stairs, i saw there was a display on the first landing, with a girl in like a full pony-girl outfit, with strappy bits, and pony shoes, and a bit gag/harness that had blinders on.  i said, "oh, i want that," and the guy selling replied with, "it's just for the outfit, the girl isn't included." we both laughed at that, and agreed on a price. seven dollars.  seems a bit low.
• "downstairs" was a bit area with lots of different tables like a farmer's market or something, with lots of different things for sale.  it was arranged in a loop, and i wandered through. around in the back side there was a stage with five or six girls all leashed together.  they were all for sale.  this is important because i knew later on that if i got caught, this was where i would end up.
• after the loop market, i went over to a hotel, but didn't have a room.  this was where i was breaking the law and tempting the slave market.  somehow the plan was to get a room without paying, and then sneak out in the morning leaving the other people i was staying with in the hotel to face the consequences.  the guy at the desk gave me a key to room 768, and we went in to sleep.  at some point during the night, i got up (i was sleeping on the dresser?), grabbed my clothes (my panties and pants were together, like i'd taken them off together) and pulled them on, and then went out into the hallway.  when i passed the desk again, i threw the key on the counter, and said something like, "we didn't need the extra key" and kept walking before the guy could say anything.
• once outside, i noticed that the hotel and everything was all lit up with color lights, like las vegas or something.  actually, the whole place kind of reminded me of aloha tower, but unless you live in hawaii, that probably doesn't help much. anyway, the hotel was the tower, and the market was the shopping area over to the side.

it was at this point where i woke up.  so, yeah, i'm not sure how much better i could have stitched that together.  maybe trying on the pony outfit, and getting trapped in the hotel room?  i don't know.

anyway, here's a link to a neat comic i found.  well, not really, i've been following the artist on hentai foundry, but it seems like some of these comics are things i haven't seen before.  anyway, i thought it was funny, but some of his other comics are messier and violent, so watch out maybe?

i feel like i'm always apologizing for laziness

but most days i don't feel like posting, and when i do, i often fall asleep before i can get motivated to do so.

still generally doing well, if you're interested.  i've had some things pop up unexpectedly (a random panic attack, a similarly random suicidal thought), but most days have been bright and happy and sunny.

which is weird, when you're not really used to such feelings, you know?

anyway, just wanted to check in with a "doing ok-ish," so no-one worried.  i'm talking to the therapist again tomorrow, so let's see how that goes (last time he was super happy with the developments, as i'd kicked a lot of the wonky thinking that had been wrorrying).

why i like this stuff: mummification

i've always liked the idea of mummies, both from like historical stuff, and movies and things like that.  it always kind of felt like it'd be a fun thing, to be wrapped up super tight and unable to move any.  this kind of extends to sleep sack things too, as it's just a different way of getting to the end state: stuck in a smooth form with your legs together and arms tight to your body.

however, just recently, my best friend had a baby, and one of the things you do to babies to keep them quiet and calm is to swaddle them, by tightly wrapping them in a blanket or something.  this keeps their arms tight to their body, and they feel safe and comfortable, so they stay quiet.

i'm thinking that this might just be the same mental stuff.  maybe some people grow out of the swaddling phase, and others like me don't.  i just have the same idea that being mummified kind of has a safe and calming feeling associated with it.

any thoughts?

totally pandering

but i really wish i could get someone to eat me out right now.  stupid drugs making me have crap libido and sex response.  :(

sorry everyone, just had to vent a bit, and this is where i do it.

:(

dear my doctor,

sorry, but these antipsychotics aren't really having the "ton of bricks" response you promised.  i'm still awake, and wishing i could snuggle up with sleep for a fun night of not having nightmares.  maybe i should take more?

love
sammy

still lazy

last post, read it again, it's the same thing here.

i did discover that i'm clinically sucky at sleeping.  maybe that's part of my problem?

anyway, i do seriously mean to post more, i just have trouble with the motivation.  i hope that gets better soon.

sorry everyone!

lazy

i know i said i'd post more once my brain got sorted out, and now my brain's sorted out, and i'm still not posting.

sorry.

mostly it's due to laziness, and the problem with sorting through pictures without getting so turned on that i get distracted.  since i have like months of things i've saved stored up, that's kind of hard.  my main criterion is: no commercial photos from some webpage (because i don't want to get in trouble); nothing that will get my blog taken down again (because that was scary, and i don't want google mad at me); nothing that is super easy to find for someone else (so, not like deviant art and stuff like that that i can just link to).  since pixiv requires a bit of japanese reading to get to, i'm not so averse to posting that stuff, but i do kind of feel bad (since it's just like japan deviant art, you know?).

but my brain is still doing ok, and even though i'm fighting with sleep (and need to apparently go sleep for doctors for them to tell me that yes, i suck at sleeping), i'm still mostly ok.  i kind of want to go kiss (at least) the guy who made zoloft, because the way i felt before compared to the way i feel now is like night and day.

although it turns out two pills a day makes me want to kill myself.  so, maybe he just gets a peck on the cheek.

anyway, still here, still (mostly) sane, still intending on getting stuff going again, but just lazy.


thanks, everybody!

stories?

i have a long weekend this week (thanks Prince Kuhio!), and i'm kind of in the mood to write a story.  i should get back to work on the multi-part thing i dropped when my brain went wonky, but if anyone has any quick story ideas, i'd love to hear them.  i had a dream earlier this week, but i forgot it before i could get any notes down. :(

anyway, there will be a new story up by monday, and i'm hoping to get other posts planned and scheduled to post so i can kind of get back in the groove of things.

since somebody asked for links

on this post, anonymous asked "You always have the best taste in porn, would you share some of your sources sammy? :)"  so, since i've been busy recently fighting my brain, it's probably best if i just do that, so people can find their own porn. :)  these are kind of ordered based on when i found them, but not really that well.

1. various foreign language artist pages.  here are two of my favorites:  latex felice doesn't update anymore, but HSC still does.  my japanese is pretty bad, but good enough that i can navigate around ok.  you might have more trouble, but i guarantee if you click around on those pages, you can find some good stuff.  HSC does picture stories now, and even if you can't read them, you can still follow the story a bit.
2. dolcett stuff (and i read this forum now, even though i don't post much).  this was the first really hard stuff i found online, and even though i was disgusted at first, i kept going back to read more and more.  it's kind of stuck with me.
3. pony girl stuff.  sir jeff's was probably my first exposure to this, and i probably found a link there to aigando, which was where i was first introduced to Mr. Veterinarian's wonderful work.
4. picture boards.  these seem to close up pretty regularly, but gurochan used to be really good, and although i've not been recently, this 99chan still has a fetish section.
5. pixiv.  so you know how the foreign language artist pages above are in japanese?  so is pixiv, which makes it a bit hard, sorry.  still, a lot of the artists that i remember from individual pages that then closed have moved here, so i subscribe to my favorites, and can just log in and see all the new stuff each day.  furaffinity is kind of the same thing, but in english, and more furry related.  deviant art kind of is the same idea, and i've linked to a few artists there before.
6. motherless.  this was a big source for awhile, but then my brain broke, and i stopped scanning.  it's pretty good if you want something specific, or want to spend an hour looking at someone's idea of good porn.  yes, sure, that guy is totally having sex with that girl.  but it's boring, and i don't think we need 11000 pictures of it.  she's got fake boobs anyway.
7. these are probably my favorite story places if you want to read stuff:  gromet's is the best ever, and has lots of fun categories.  bdsmlibrary is where i submit my stuff, and usually has good things.  gagged utopia is pretty good sometimes, but they're a bit slow.  i've not looked much at literotica, but i really like sarahcheer's stories, and if you like the stuff here, you probably will too.  on that topic, you might like nennameerkat at furaffinity, too.

so hopefully that gives people a start on finding other cool things.  if you find something particularly good, don't hesitate to share it. :)

i'm annoyed by this cycle more than you are

the past two or three weeks have been kind of horrible in my head.  when i started on the new drugs, things seemed better. that kind of degenerated into staying in bed all day and calling in sick and constantly thinking about killing myself.  i went back to the psychiatrist, and after describing things, she told me to back down on the dosage, because apparently they "activate" me.  i would have thought that was a good thing, but i guess not.  basically, i overloaded that bit of my brain, and it reacted by coming up with compulsive thoughts of suicide.

so, i backed off like she said, and picked up the prescription she gave me for another-another drug (this time paxil).  i'm supposed to switch to that one if i feel like things aren't working.  she also suggested that if the suicidal thoughts kept on, i might need a "mild antipsychotic. Not that I think you're psychotic or anything, it's just that sometimes those work better on these specific thoughts."

the good side of things is that i don't have the headaches and other side effects i was getting with the celexa, and my panic attacks seem to have resolved as well.  that happened when i switched to the zoloft, which was a welcome change.  the suicidal stuff kind of made that a bittersweet victory, though.  now i'm feeling better than i have been, so i figured it was time to come back to reality a bit.

well, not reality, i guess.  my blog.  it's almost like reality, just a little bit weirder, maybe.

:) <--actual smile like i have on my face right now.


so, hopefully this will stick around a bit longer, and i won't get frustrated with myself and hide away again.  i can't guarantee that, though, since i've had short bouts of feeling good in the past.  i really want to say thanks to everyone who's left a comment or sent an email or anything.  i'm going to try to get comments responded to tonight, and do emails tomorrow, but if i miss you for some reason, just know that i'm really thankful for all the kind words.

not dead

will try to say more tomorrow.