nin

And happiness and peace of mind
Were never meant for me
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me

patience

because i'm not going to reply to anything until my brain feels more like it doesn't want to die.

i'm hoping this is a consequence of switching meds.  and not that this med isn't helping either.  because seriously, spending an evening wishing that i'd just die isn't the best thing ever.  then, note to me: don't go get burger king.  you'll just shit horribly, and still feel terrible.

so, yeah, sammy still feels like shit, and wishes she'd just go away peacefully in her sleep.  but that isn't happening, i don't think, without some serious intervention that i'm just too much of a coward to do...

:(

sad days, indeed.

crap

i was going to post a link to this story in the last post, but forgot.

"Snuffle"

i tend to like Anne Gray's work, and this was a nice short story that had a lot of things i liked.

drugs

i'm not sure if it's the changeover in my drugs, or my brain fixing itself, or what exactly.  things seem a bit better today.  here's some update stuff

1. i still haven't heard anything from date girl.  i'm kind of getting the impression that she's not going to contact me again.  that's sucky, but i'm still taking a "whatever, bitch," view on it.  like it's her fault that she didn't want to do more stuff with me.  that's a good thing, i think.
2. sleeping sucks, and remeron is totally not the best drug for me for that.  i tried again last night, and didn't get out of bed until like 2, and had really messed up dreams.  they were not nightmare dreams, though, so that's a plus. :)  i took more for tonight, so we'll see what happens.  i'm too afraid to take it on a work day, because i need to get up earlier than 2 for that.  however, being tired at work is kind of the problem i want to fix.
3. my new drug is zoloft, which seems to have basically the same indications as my old celexa.  i'm switching between them, so my dose of both is half what it was or will be.  i'm noticing a generally better attitude than before, but i kind of had the same thing when i started celexa.  maybe it's all just a placebo effect?
4. my libido seems to be less depressed this past week than it has been for like the past six months.  i'm going to try to get some porn stuffs up in the next post.  i don't think i'll have a theme, just random stuff i found that i want to share.
5. i just want to thank everyone again who's stopped by!

sammy panics too much, and that's no good

because it turns out that it's entirely possible that everyone else in the world is just as fucked up as me, it's just that i worry about it too much and that worry turns into horrible sick thoughts in my brain.

so i invited Date Girl to my place for valentine's day, and she said yes.  i don't know if i mentioned, but she might move away from hawaii soon, so she's trying not to put down serious roots.  still, even if things don't work out because of jobs and money and moving and stuff, i do think i've found someone who can be my friend here, however temporarily.

so now i'm worrying a bit about menus and making everything taste tasty, and making a good impression.  considering what i've been worrying about in the past, this is kind of minor stuff.

thanks for helping me, Everybody On The Internet.  i know i kind of shy away a lot of the time, and then come back all freaked out and crying, but a lot of you have been super supportive and helpful, and i do appreciate that.  i know it can't be easy to deal with somebody whose moods range from "psycho" to "slightly less psycho." i'm going to get my meds adjusted this week, and i hope that sorts some of that out.

i guess what i want to say is that i consider all of you my valentines this year, and i'm super grateful.


thanks a lot!

date follow up

well, i thought it went ok, but then i didn't hear anything from her for a week.  so i sent an email asking what the deal was, and suggesting maybe getting lunch this weekend.  turns out she went playing with someone else last weekend and now is "not looking for a long term relationship right now."

so, that kind of sucks, because i don't really want to play with someone who i don't trust, and i'm not going to trust someone who isn't able to let me know them and feel comfortable.

i guess all i can do is just say, "fuck," and go feel bad about it.  it's a good thing my brain was all manic today, otherwise i think i'd be super depressed right now.

:-/

update a half hour later...

so what if i'm just too paranoid and broken to date someone?  what if i always come off as too weird and crazy, and people all assume they can find someone else without all the baggage?  i mean, i know everyone was all, "i'm your friend, sammy" on my last freak out post, but i really don't have anyone here that i do anything with.  i basically hide at home because it's too scary and painful to go out and try to meet people.  and now, when i push out from that boundary and see if i can find someone, i get pushed back, and rejected.  i just want to have a friend i can go do things with, is that too much to ask for?  i want to be able to talk with someone who doesn't reject me immediately, and who knows that i'm fragile and broken, but doesn't care because they like me.

i don't want to live my life like this anymore, and that's why i feel suicidal all the time, even with the drugs they've prescribed for me.  why can't things just be easy? why do i always feel like i'm fighting with everyone i meet?

ok, i'm going to go cry and watch videos of puppies on youtube until i go to sleep.  thanks for dealing with me, internet people.

update a day later:

we chatted for a bit, and it sounds like we'd really get along great.  but she's maybe moving back to the mainland soonish, and doesn't want to get attached.  which sucks, but isn't a direct rejection of me.  so it hurts some, but it feels a lot better.

also, i probably should not freak out all the time about everything.  stupid broken-ass brain. :-/

i tried

but i can't get a story to fall out of that dream from a few nights ago.  i think i've forgotten something.  here's all i can remember:

i wake up in a bed that's really big, and there are like three other people in it.  someone i know (like, in the dream.  i can't remember or figure out who it was in real life, or even if i knew her in real life) is hiding under the covers, upside down.  i can feel her wake up when i do, because her legs are over mine.  she starts rubbing her feet up and down my body, and i notice that they're covered in socks (i guess white, but i thought they were colored, maybe?).  she scoots up, and i have the socked foot in my mouth, and i'm sucking on it.  i bite down enough to keep hold of the sock, and she pulls her foot out, and then uses her foot to stuff the sock back into my mouth, making a kind of gag.  that foot them slides down to my crotch, and she starts rubbing me with it.

again, like always, this is where i woke up feeling super horny.

unfortunately, there's not really much motivation or story here, so it's hard to build around it.  since that's the case, i figured that i'd just do this here, and let it go.

i guess it's my blog, so i don't have to apologize for anything i post, right?

so i was watching animal planet yesterday, because, duh, puppy bowl is super cute.  they had one of those aspca commercials that are super sad.  it turns out that sitting down and listening to just the song almost made me cry just now.

also, i thought i'd link to this comic series.  if you've ever wondered what my brain feels like most of the time, i think the author of this stuff has got it figured out pretty well, since he has the same problems it seems.

so, enjoy, and read, and have a quick trip through the horrors that i have to deal with every day.

sorry

i think my brain just goes through periods of random freakouts.  i'm feeling better today, and there's not really anything that's changed.  weird.

i also totally had a great dream last night that i woke up and thought about turning into a story, but i've forgotten too many of the details for it to be that good.  i'll see what i can salvage, and see if i like the result enough to share.  it's far more normal than any of my other stuff, but was still a fun thing to wake up from.  that's always a good change from waking up from a horrible nightmare.

ok, that was super dramatic

but i've been feeling super shitty recently, and only really propped up because my parents are here and wanting to do touristy stuff.

and i'm thinking i might spend tomorrow telling them that i'm fucked up and depressed and friendless and suicidal and an alcoholic.  they're coming over to watch the super bowl.

wish me luck?

yay, random depression!

i hope i die.

i hope we both die.

sammy-date!

see, it's an update, about me, about my date?  get it?

ok yeah, even i thought it was lame.

so i'm paranoid about this whole thing.  the date itself seemed to go well, but we kept it all strictly vanilla.  afterwards, she wanted details so we could chat, and so we did that a bit last night.  however, i tried to initiate a conversation tonight, and she was kind of terse and quiet.

so now i'm thinking i screwed it up somehow, and she hates me, even though i'm pretty sure everyone would say stuff like, "don't be dumb, she was probably just busy."  which she was, doing a job thing.  but it still kind of feels weird.  i also want to say something like, "hey, i kind of like you, but would like to get to know more about you and chat a lot about everything so i can tell things are working, and then we can move onto the kinky stuff that we both like, because i'd like to do that, but that's really something i'd need to be comfortable with you as a person to be cool with, and right now i'm not comfortable, and wish we could work on that."

but that's rambley and crazy sounding, i think.

plus, i have to play tour guide for a week to visitors from the mainland.  that kind of means i can't suggest we try to go do something this next weekend.

double plus, then it's like valentines day soon.  can you just have a "um, let's just talk and get to know each other" date for valentines?  i wish that she would take some of the lead, since she's the one who's the domme.

:-/

i'm open to suggestions if you have any.

like an update, i guess

i've been working on my anxiety, and it's not really getting much better.  i can at least recognize when i'm freaking out, though, so i've been able to fight back with some xanax.  woo drugs?

the depression is still kind of hit or miss.  the main thing to deal with now is the fact that for some reason, the cutting i used to do keeps popping up in my brain.  stupid brain. :(

but, i'm going to go talk with an actual psychiatrist about my drugs next week, and hopefully they'll be able to sort me out some.  my regular doctor didn't want to mess with them anymore, as she's not really a specialist in that stuff.  makes sense to me, and i wouldn't mind talking with a professional for a bit.

wonky unexpected thing: i have a date this weekend.  not going to jinx things with lots of details, but i'm hoping things work out well.  we seem to have lots in common, so let's see how that goes.

wish me luck!

(also, go read that story if you haven't already! apparently people like it :)

my story was published

so if you didn't already read it here, you can go read it there.  it seems like at least the first few people who reviewed it liked it, so that's good. :)

my brain sucks

panic attacks before a day off? how does that even make any sense?

:(

one thing i've decided i'm going to do soonish (maybe starting tomorrow?) is to go over various things that turn me on and talk about why i think they do that.  it's like an explanation of why i like all the stuff i've been posting for the past year or whatever.

i hope people enjoy them, and respond with their own thoughts about the topics.

yay

panic attacks!

shit like this makes me want to kill myself.

i mean "going to the grocery store" shouldn't make my brain freak the fuck out, right?

anyway, i submitted my last story to bdsmlibrary. i hope other people enjoy it too.

i'm lazy

i plan to get a new post out soonish, but i've been too lazy to get anything out.

i appreciate everyone's comments on the new story, and plan on responding personally when my brain isn't sucky.

and that gave me a thought:  so, maybe, if i get five comments with things to write about, i'll put together a new story with those five things.  i don't want this to be like a threat or something, but i kind of feel like writing something, but don't have any good ideas right now.  so maybe if someone else prompted me, i could get something new together for you to read?  if you don't want to comment, you can just email me (clicky on my face to the right, i guess) and i'll accept that too.

i mean, what do you want to read? i think i'm messed up enough to write something everyone can enjoy.
:)

i'd appreciate any comments or suggestions that people have

i'm still mostly on vacation, so i'll get to email in a week or so.  in the meantime, i finished a draft of this story:

today was pretty much the most horrible day ever

so this is going to be TMI, so i'm going to put it behind a break.  still, i know some of the people who follow here are into some of that stuff, so i'll include some details.

the short version for everyone is that i was sick today, and felt terrible, and couldn't watch tv or surf the net (usual sammy saturday). unfortunately, i also didn't get the pre-vacation stuff i wanted done either. maybe tomorrow (i feel way better now).

however, one result of not being able to soak my brain in other people's stuff is that i had to soak it in my own stuff.  as a result of this, i now have a really nice three-ish part story based on this dream i had.  now i just need to find the time to write it, and get it down so other people can read it and see where i take it.  since the dream was so short, that's really only the first little bit of the story. ;)

today was weird

i've been trying hard to keep with things. drinking less. eating better. taking my drugs when i'm supposed to.

and i'm not sure if i'm actually getting better, and i'm just not used to it, or if things are starting to work, and the drugs are pushing things way too far.  i wonder this because i spent most of the day in a weird hyperactive state. i don't think it was like proper mania or anything, but after feeling so crap for so long, it was weird to be in a different place, you know?

so anyway, that's kind of an update about how i'm doing.

also, if you're here, you probably should go check out these two deviatnart artists. they're making totally cool stuff.