voting notes.

also future stuff.




i had the idea this morning, and it was going to end with things being good, but things clearly aren't good, and i'm so scared i don't know what to do with myself.

like, are they going to repeal the aca?  that allowed my dad to get health insurance for the first time in decades.  he's older now.  he can't just not have health insurance.

and i'm too big of a fuckup to get married, but does this mean that my friends who are married will have that taken away from them?  "sorry, you can have a happy life because some old ignorant assholes hate you?"

what's this going to do to the economy?  the news was talking how they had to shut down overnight stock market stuff, because they were dropping too fast.  am i still going to have a job?

what do i tell my best friend's daughter when i visit for thanksgiving?  "i tried, but there are people who hate you just for existing.  i will try my best to make this a world you can live in, but i think we just doomed the environment."

he was supported by actual, for real, "i wear a sheet because my family lacks genetic diversity" racists.  i live in a very safe place, but i've already overheard people at the airport talk about "how weird" everyone is here.  like, fuck you, you fat white shitbag.  you don't have to use chopsticks if your greasy sausage fingers can't manipulate them.  you don't have to eat poke "because it's gross raw fish".  but you also don't get to call people who are different weird.  you don't have the right to make other people feel bad because you don't like them.

it doesn't matter if you don't like what they like, or what they do, or how they do it.  if they're not actively hurting you, you don't get to comment.  fuck you.

so i'm scared.  a lot scared.  i've been crying off and on all night, and i expect i'll be crying off and on for the rest of my life.  it's hard liking things that you know are weird.  it hurts seeing things you like show up on television to be made fun of.  did i do something that made me broken like this?  i don't know.  maybe.  maybe it is my choice, and i should just stop being weird.  i wish i knew how that worked, but it's like asking me to "not randomly explode into tears" or "not sneeze" or "not be hungry."

this might be the last post here.  i'm thinking strongly about not reblogging tumblr anymore.  i don't know what's safe now.  i already stopped following a number of tumblrs because they got too sexist, and i've just kind of accepted the racism that goes with it.  maybe it's just too depressing to continue doing that.  i still have a bunch of story fragments i could never finish, and i don't think i'll be able to now.  i really wish i could have sorted out the problems with "Party."  "Sammy and Annie go to a fancy dinner party, and meet all sorts of 'fancy' people, but Sammy gets drunk and points out how stupid the one wife is, and that the other husband is probably fucking their babysitter."  it would have been funny, and introduced Mrs. Lynch from across the hall better, but i just couldn't get the conversations to work right. or "Office 2" where we get to know Rachael better, and find out that she dated Annie in the past, but was never comfortable with the kink to that level.  and she has to do her medical check-up on Sammy while she's still bound in the dog costume.  she realizes that she and Annie could never have gotten to the level she did with Sammy, and basically starts her on the path to forgiving Annie (for something i could never quite sort out).

i know people will be "oh no, don't go" but i think i have to.  publicly being weird while fascists are in charge never seems like a great idea.