ugh i need to post more here

hopefully everyone found the tumblr, where i spit out the porn i enjoy as it cascades over me.  i could better use this time, but gaining support via blind clicking on cute things is easy, and doesn't set of my weirdness.

currently i have three unsorted threads in the "exhibition" story, and i should fucking sort those out.  i'm a jerk for not doing that, and i should try to pull some level of concentration to try to close some of these down.

so: state of sammy's mental state.

i stopped therapy again.  when you get the feeling your therapist wants you to craft a pinterest page about what you like, that's probably the point where you decide your therapist is pretty shitty.

I WANT A PUPPY, BITCH! MY APARTMENT DOESN'T ALLOW PUPPIES! SO, LOOKS LIKE WE"VE GOT THE BEEF!

also, she was just kind of awful at everything.  sorry my panic attacks don't live up to expectations.  Guess i'll just be cool when i puke out lunch into a plastic bag.  NOT A BIG DEAL, RIGHT?

so

i'm coasting again, on hopes and dreams.  which aren't super helpful when you look to them and get "THE VOID" and "HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES"

but i'm like 94% not likely to kill myself anymore, because sometimes you meet someone so super cute you can't not just want to push them forward as much as you can, and if that means you light on fire some day, hey, fire can be anywhere.

i can't imagine how people would explain my suicide to tiny R.  so.  that's not an option any more.

which unfortunately means

dealing with grown up shit.

who pulled 22 bags of garbage out of her apartment?
who awkwardly scheduled a dentist appointment to look at this clearly fucked up tooth?
who is actually keeping those 22 bags of garbage out of the apartment, so they can't pile up?

as of right now, today, may 12, i am kind of sanely managing my shit.
i aim to keep things less fucked up, but hey, it's hard when you kind of surf along on a muck of self hatred.

this is better than before, i think.  it's not great, obviously, but it's not angry panic.  there is anger, and there is panic, but they are consoling, not reinforcing.