my computer crashed, and it took way longer than usual to reboot, and i think it's dying.
my grandfather actually is dying. i've been avoiding going to visit, because it's always hard to see someone who you remember being so big and jolly being super thin and cranky.
i'm more afraid of the computer dying, though, because it doesn't suffer from going on and on.
this is why i'm a bad person.
i only have two states now. full bore panic attack about everything. i spent three hours this afternoon trying to figure out what i wanted for lunch. at the point when i decided i was actually trying to figure out what i wanted for dinner is when the panic hit. how do i fight that? i have food at home. i can drive anywhere i want to get food from a restaurant. i could go to the grocery store and buy stuff to make food, if i wasn't so messed up that i don't want to cook anymore.
and now i'm having a panic attack because i have to get up early to prepare for a conference at work, and then i have to do work stuff, and i just don't want to most days.
in any case, it's about time for me to move on to my only other state, so i can push the panic away long enough for some sleep. see you on the other side of all this vodka. sorry i'm so incoherent and stupid when i'm drunk. thanks for putting up with me. sorry i can't pull myself out of my depression to deal with people when i'm not drunk a lot of the time. i worry that i'll say something stupid, so then i wait until i'm drunk, when it's pretty much guaranteed i'll say something stupid.
no comments on this one, because i know everyone would say nice things, so i'll just pretend you said nice things and it made me cry knowing how wonderful you are. see? look! there are the tears now! it's like a miracle!
