yes, i know, "don't do that", "it's not worth it"

but seriously, i just got a big push, and you have no idea how freeing a good cutting can feel.  you get the pain, and then you can feel the blood rush out, and there's an adrenaline shock that makes it all go away.

until tomorrow, where you're left with that wide gash on your arm, so you try that sweater and the appropriate skirt.

but then people are like, that doesn't match, right?

and it doesn't, but since when have you been noticing my fashion decisions?

and then it totally gets around. "i think sammy's cutting again" and now all the fun is drained out of it

because it's not me rebelling against things now.  it's just me satisfying my co-workers depressive fantasies about me.

which isn't fair.

i should be allowed to be cruel to myself without this scrutiny.  you jerks.

side note: thanks, you jerks, for being the safety net on this.  i'm not kidding about how much i wanted to cut, but you diverted me away.  thanks a super lot.

i was going to post this earlier

i woke up this morning, because i felt something tap on my bed.

"oh, it's little kimchi, my friend's dog"

"wait, no, i'm not on the mainland, i'm at home! who's fucking on my bed!?"

then i felt a spoony-cuddle like my last..um...girlfriend, we'll call her... did.

"HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE, BITCH!"

then my eyes opened, but they didn't open correctly, so my left eye saw my blanket and sheets, and the right was wonky looking up at the wall.

this was when i realized i was having some sort of sleep paralysis thing.

turns out, that isn't super reassuring.  "ok, don't panic, it's all fine.  you just can't move, and you're kind of have to deal with whatever hallucinations your brain can come up with.  but, just keep in mind:  it's all totally fake and not real."

so that's how i woke up this morning, and peed the bed a bit, and then had to change sheets and go back to  bed for another two hours because who wakes up at 5 am?

and really, the panic between "cute puppy!" and "OMG THAT BITCH IS IN YOUR ROOM!" is something i'd like to not deal with again, brain, thanks.

whoaa

have you ever hd a dream, where you wake up, and push everything away, and sit pushed against the wall while your heart stomps in your chest for like forever?

ok, it was only like five minutes maybe

but holy what the fuck?

ok

i'm pretty sure it's time to go puke, because i feel sick right now.

but

i'll come back and sort out details


waking up unhappy and weird is usual

waking up panicked and crying is a totally new thing.

so, what i remember is standing on magic island (it's not in waikiki, but it's close to it.  it's across from the mall).

and there were a few other people:  my best friend (who hasn't talked to me in a couple weeks), someone from the internet (who i kind of only vaguely know enough to picture), and my boss.

but like, the ocean was gone, and just fire and sand.

and no matter what you think of hawaii, it's pretty clear when the world is fucked, right?

so we're all standing there, and bits fall off, and everyone else dies, and i'm left standing there alone on a fragment of sidewalk jutting over the edge of the (not) ocean.  i turn around, and see the rest of the island in various states of "fire" and "blowing up because of fire".

that part of me i know that's still there.  that lives there deep inside, and shouts whenever i get sad, and makes me feel more sad when i hear it shout back?  i heard her again.

"fuck this shit, let's do it."

then i jumped out, over the "i'm pretty sure magic island isn't that deep there" not-ocean.



and there's a smile on face, but



i wake to all this adrenaline making me think i'm going to explode.

ok

i'm pretty sure it's time to go puke, because i feel sick right now.

but

i'll come back and sort out details

you know what's not super fun?

having your brain shout "oh, hey! you know what's fun?  let's take a knife, and slice random parts of our body! 

"we could do arms, or, like, you wear pants to work, right?  so legs then... 

"that tummy is kind of chunky, maybe give it a pass or two!  wheee! fun!"

thanks, brain.  you're a jerk and a jackass.  thanks for shouting that at me while i'm trying to go to sleep.

i mean, seriously.  go fuck yourself.

sigh.

so this is me talking about it instead of doing it.  because i have enough scars, i think.

don't bother commenting or stuff, this is a post for me, not for you.  also: i just learned how to turn off comments for a post.  so.  :-P

so, you should probably follow on the tumblr

because i reblogged like a bajillion things today that you'll probably appreciate, and get off on, and all that.

since, i guess we all just reblog shit on tumblr now.

and, because of that, i've decided that i'm not going to be super sorry that i post weird brain freak out shit here.  it'll be weird brain freak outs and my own fiction.  and i'll try to get the fiction someplace else too, so if you just want sammy's long stuff, you can go to literotica.  or, if you just want to never read anything ever, you'll go to bdsmlibrary.

because they suck at posting things (is the joke).

so yeah.  that's the new situation as of now.  i can boop some new porns for people to see, and then i can rant here about being treated like shit by fucking stranger jackasses who can't be bothered to fucking act like you would if you found a kitten.

i mean seriously.  what the fuck, dude?  i respond and you immediately call me a whore?  was i just someone for you to shout at because you don't like the rest of your life?  at least warn me that i'm suddenly responsible for your unhappy situation so i can figure that shit-fuckery out.

hey

i'm chatting at you.

why aren't you sending me pictures?

you should be cooler, because you like scat.

are those pics coming?

shut up, i'm telling you how cool i am.  i'm super cool.

now you're being a bitch by telling me how much i'm not being nice.  why are you such a fucking bitch?

my dick is huge.  you'd choke on it all night long.

where are those pics?

why do you think you can chat at me?  shut up you stupid cunt!  bitches like you should be raped to sleep!

this bunny

omg

"it means a lot to her"

i wish i could have pets, so i could have a bunny.

omg.

bunnies.

porn tomorrow maybe.  today?  me just freaking out over this super cute bunny being cute all over the place.

pa-too.

dealss with it.

i really really wish

you could have someone

maybe they're assigned to you

so you could flail around like usual

but if you get to be
like
um

thirty-ish

you just get told

"nope, you're part of this family now"

and then you'd probably be their bitch, right?  this cunt assigned to you to take care of?  not  a lot of love there.

but, you get this person.

and that person gets to be owned, and hopefully loved,

such that they don't have to cry themselves to sleep every night, and wish they could fight this social anxiety demon that is always poking their eyes.

a locked cage is better than a comfy bed, right?  as long as you know in the morning someone who loves you will let you out.  i live with the triumph of a comfy bed.  knowing i'll wake up to despair and sorrow.

sorry for the lameness tonight.  just.  i hate life, and being lonely, and sucking at dealing with people.  not your problem, i know, but if i don't share, then this all builds up inside.  follow the tumblr.  it's all me reblogging pics and stuff.  so.  that's there if you just want porn.  i'm trying to come up with a new porn story, but my brain can't get anything organized.  yes, sure, there's that candle one.  but it's kind of shitty, so i'm hoping for another one.

anyway

have a good sunday, ok?

love sammy