why i like this stuff: mummification

i've always liked the idea of mummies, both from like historical stuff, and movies and things like that.  it always kind of felt like it'd be a fun thing, to be wrapped up super tight and unable to move any.  this kind of extends to sleep sack things too, as it's just a different way of getting to the end state: stuck in a smooth form with your legs together and arms tight to your body.

however, just recently, my best friend had a baby, and one of the things you do to babies to keep them quiet and calm is to swaddle them, by tightly wrapping them in a blanket or something.  this keeps their arms tight to their body, and they feel safe and comfortable, so they stay quiet.

i'm thinking that this might just be the same mental stuff.  maybe some people grow out of the swaddling phase, and others like me don't.  i just have the same idea that being mummified kind of has a safe and calming feeling associated with it.

any thoughts?

totally pandering

but i really wish i could get someone to eat me out right now.  stupid drugs making me have crap libido and sex response.  :(

sorry everyone, just had to vent a bit, and this is where i do it.

:(

dear my doctor,

sorry, but these antipsychotics aren't really having the "ton of bricks" response you promised.  i'm still awake, and wishing i could snuggle up with sleep for a fun night of not having nightmares.  maybe i should take more?

love
sammy

still lazy

last post, read it again, it's the same thing here.

i did discover that i'm clinically sucky at sleeping.  maybe that's part of my problem?

anyway, i do seriously mean to post more, i just have trouble with the motivation.  i hope that gets better soon.

sorry everyone!

lazy

i know i said i'd post more once my brain got sorted out, and now my brain's sorted out, and i'm still not posting.

sorry.

mostly it's due to laziness, and the problem with sorting through pictures without getting so turned on that i get distracted.  since i have like months of things i've saved stored up, that's kind of hard.  my main criterion is: no commercial photos from some webpage (because i don't want to get in trouble); nothing that will get my blog taken down again (because that was scary, and i don't want google mad at me); nothing that is super easy to find for someone else (so, not like deviant art and stuff like that that i can just link to).  since pixiv requires a bit of japanese reading to get to, i'm not so averse to posting that stuff, but i do kind of feel bad (since it's just like japan deviant art, you know?).

but my brain is still doing ok, and even though i'm fighting with sleep (and need to apparently go sleep for doctors for them to tell me that yes, i suck at sleeping), i'm still mostly ok.  i kind of want to go kiss (at least) the guy who made zoloft, because the way i felt before compared to the way i feel now is like night and day.

although it turns out two pills a day makes me want to kill myself.  so, maybe he just gets a peck on the cheek.

anyway, still here, still (mostly) sane, still intending on getting stuff going again, but just lazy.


thanks, everybody!

stories?

i have a long weekend this week (thanks Prince Kuhio!), and i'm kind of in the mood to write a story.  i should get back to work on the multi-part thing i dropped when my brain went wonky, but if anyone has any quick story ideas, i'd love to hear them.  i had a dream earlier this week, but i forgot it before i could get any notes down. :(

anyway, there will be a new story up by monday, and i'm hoping to get other posts planned and scheduled to post so i can kind of get back in the groove of things.

since somebody asked for links

on this post, anonymous asked "You always have the best taste in porn, would you share some of your sources sammy? :)"  so, since i've been busy recently fighting my brain, it's probably best if i just do that, so people can find their own porn. :)  these are kind of ordered based on when i found them, but not really that well.

1. various foreign language artist pages.  here are two of my favorites:  latex felice doesn't update anymore, but HSC still does.  my japanese is pretty bad, but good enough that i can navigate around ok.  you might have more trouble, but i guarantee if you click around on those pages, you can find some good stuff.  HSC does picture stories now, and even if you can't read them, you can still follow the story a bit.
2. dolcett stuff (and i read this forum now, even though i don't post much).  this was the first really hard stuff i found online, and even though i was disgusted at first, i kept going back to read more and more.  it's kind of stuck with me.
3. pony girl stuff.  sir jeff's was probably my first exposure to this, and i probably found a link there to aigando, which was where i was first introduced to Mr. Veterinarian's wonderful work.
4. picture boards.  these seem to close up pretty regularly, but gurochan used to be really good, and although i've not been recently, this 99chan still has a fetish section.
5. pixiv.  so you know how the foreign language artist pages above are in japanese?  so is pixiv, which makes it a bit hard, sorry.  still, a lot of the artists that i remember from individual pages that then closed have moved here, so i subscribe to my favorites, and can just log in and see all the new stuff each day.  furaffinity is kind of the same thing, but in english, and more furry related.  deviant art kind of is the same idea, and i've linked to a few artists there before.
6. motherless.  this was a big source for awhile, but then my brain broke, and i stopped scanning.  it's pretty good if you want something specific, or want to spend an hour looking at someone's idea of good porn.  yes, sure, that guy is totally having sex with that girl.  but it's boring, and i don't think we need 11000 pictures of it.  she's got fake boobs anyway.
7. these are probably my favorite story places if you want to read stuff:  gromet's is the best ever, and has lots of fun categories.  bdsmlibrary is where i submit my stuff, and usually has good things.  gagged utopia is pretty good sometimes, but they're a bit slow.  i've not looked much at literotica, but i really like sarahcheer's stories, and if you like the stuff here, you probably will too.  on that topic, you might like nennameerkat at furaffinity, too.

so hopefully that gives people a start on finding other cool things.  if you find something particularly good, don't hesitate to share it. :)

i'm annoyed by this cycle more than you are

the past two or three weeks have been kind of horrible in my head.  when i started on the new drugs, things seemed better. that kind of degenerated into staying in bed all day and calling in sick and constantly thinking about killing myself.  i went back to the psychiatrist, and after describing things, she told me to back down on the dosage, because apparently they "activate" me.  i would have thought that was a good thing, but i guess not.  basically, i overloaded that bit of my brain, and it reacted by coming up with compulsive thoughts of suicide.

so, i backed off like she said, and picked up the prescription she gave me for another-another drug (this time paxil).  i'm supposed to switch to that one if i feel like things aren't working.  she also suggested that if the suicidal thoughts kept on, i might need a "mild antipsychotic. Not that I think you're psychotic or anything, it's just that sometimes those work better on these specific thoughts."

the good side of things is that i don't have the headaches and other side effects i was getting with the celexa, and my panic attacks seem to have resolved as well.  that happened when i switched to the zoloft, which was a welcome change.  the suicidal stuff kind of made that a bittersweet victory, though.  now i'm feeling better than i have been, so i figured it was time to come back to reality a bit.

well, not reality, i guess.  my blog.  it's almost like reality, just a little bit weirder, maybe.

:) <--actual smile like i have on my face right now.


so, hopefully this will stick around a bit longer, and i won't get frustrated with myself and hide away again.  i can't guarantee that, though, since i've had short bouts of feeling good in the past.  i really want to say thanks to everyone who's left a comment or sent an email or anything.  i'm going to try to get comments responded to tonight, and do emails tomorrow, but if i miss you for some reason, just know that i'm really thankful for all the kind words.

not dead

will try to say more tomorrow.

nin

And happiness and peace of mind
Were never meant for me
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me

patience

because i'm not going to reply to anything until my brain feels more like it doesn't want to die.

i'm hoping this is a consequence of switching meds.  and not that this med isn't helping either.  because seriously, spending an evening wishing that i'd just die isn't the best thing ever.  then, note to me: don't go get burger king.  you'll just shit horribly, and still feel terrible.

so, yeah, sammy still feels like shit, and wishes she'd just go away peacefully in her sleep.  but that isn't happening, i don't think, without some serious intervention that i'm just too much of a coward to do...

:(

sad days, indeed.

crap

i was going to post a link to this story in the last post, but forgot.

"Snuffle"

i tend to like Anne Gray's work, and this was a nice short story that had a lot of things i liked.

drugs

i'm not sure if it's the changeover in my drugs, or my brain fixing itself, or what exactly.  things seem a bit better today.  here's some update stuff

1. i still haven't heard anything from date girl.  i'm kind of getting the impression that she's not going to contact me again.  that's sucky, but i'm still taking a "whatever, bitch," view on it.  like it's her fault that she didn't want to do more stuff with me.  that's a good thing, i think.
2. sleeping sucks, and remeron is totally not the best drug for me for that.  i tried again last night, and didn't get out of bed until like 2, and had really messed up dreams.  they were not nightmare dreams, though, so that's a plus. :)  i took more for tonight, so we'll see what happens.  i'm too afraid to take it on a work day, because i need to get up earlier than 2 for that.  however, being tired at work is kind of the problem i want to fix.
3. my new drug is zoloft, which seems to have basically the same indications as my old celexa.  i'm switching between them, so my dose of both is half what it was or will be.  i'm noticing a generally better attitude than before, but i kind of had the same thing when i started celexa.  maybe it's all just a placebo effect?
4. my libido seems to be less depressed this past week than it has been for like the past six months.  i'm going to try to get some porn stuffs up in the next post.  i don't think i'll have a theme, just random stuff i found that i want to share.
5. i just want to thank everyone again who's stopped by!

sammy panics too much, and that's no good

because it turns out that it's entirely possible that everyone else in the world is just as fucked up as me, it's just that i worry about it too much and that worry turns into horrible sick thoughts in my brain.

so i invited Date Girl to my place for valentine's day, and she said yes.  i don't know if i mentioned, but she might move away from hawaii soon, so she's trying not to put down serious roots.  still, even if things don't work out because of jobs and money and moving and stuff, i do think i've found someone who can be my friend here, however temporarily.

so now i'm worrying a bit about menus and making everything taste tasty, and making a good impression.  considering what i've been worrying about in the past, this is kind of minor stuff.

thanks for helping me, Everybody On The Internet.  i know i kind of shy away a lot of the time, and then come back all freaked out and crying, but a lot of you have been super supportive and helpful, and i do appreciate that.  i know it can't be easy to deal with somebody whose moods range from "psycho" to "slightly less psycho." i'm going to get my meds adjusted this week, and i hope that sorts some of that out.

i guess what i want to say is that i consider all of you my valentines this year, and i'm super grateful.


thanks a lot!

date follow up

well, i thought it went ok, but then i didn't hear anything from her for a week.  so i sent an email asking what the deal was, and suggesting maybe getting lunch this weekend.  turns out she went playing with someone else last weekend and now is "not looking for a long term relationship right now."

so, that kind of sucks, because i don't really want to play with someone who i don't trust, and i'm not going to trust someone who isn't able to let me know them and feel comfortable.

i guess all i can do is just say, "fuck," and go feel bad about it.  it's a good thing my brain was all manic today, otherwise i think i'd be super depressed right now.

:-/

update a half hour later...

so what if i'm just too paranoid and broken to date someone?  what if i always come off as too weird and crazy, and people all assume they can find someone else without all the baggage?  i mean, i know everyone was all, "i'm your friend, sammy" on my last freak out post, but i really don't have anyone here that i do anything with.  i basically hide at home because it's too scary and painful to go out and try to meet people.  and now, when i push out from that boundary and see if i can find someone, i get pushed back, and rejected.  i just want to have a friend i can go do things with, is that too much to ask for?  i want to be able to talk with someone who doesn't reject me immediately, and who knows that i'm fragile and broken, but doesn't care because they like me.

i don't want to live my life like this anymore, and that's why i feel suicidal all the time, even with the drugs they've prescribed for me.  why can't things just be easy? why do i always feel like i'm fighting with everyone i meet?

ok, i'm going to go cry and watch videos of puppies on youtube until i go to sleep.  thanks for dealing with me, internet people.

update a day later:

we chatted for a bit, and it sounds like we'd really get along great.  but she's maybe moving back to the mainland soonish, and doesn't want to get attached.  which sucks, but isn't a direct rejection of me.  so it hurts some, but it feels a lot better.

also, i probably should not freak out all the time about everything.  stupid broken-ass brain. :-/

i tried

but i can't get a story to fall out of that dream from a few nights ago.  i think i've forgotten something.  here's all i can remember:

i wake up in a bed that's really big, and there are like three other people in it.  someone i know (like, in the dream.  i can't remember or figure out who it was in real life, or even if i knew her in real life) is hiding under the covers, upside down.  i can feel her wake up when i do, because her legs are over mine.  she starts rubbing her feet up and down my body, and i notice that they're covered in socks (i guess white, but i thought they were colored, maybe?).  she scoots up, and i have the socked foot in my mouth, and i'm sucking on it.  i bite down enough to keep hold of the sock, and she pulls her foot out, and then uses her foot to stuff the sock back into my mouth, making a kind of gag.  that foot them slides down to my crotch, and she starts rubbing me with it.

again, like always, this is where i woke up feeling super horny.

unfortunately, there's not really much motivation or story here, so it's hard to build around it.  since that's the case, i figured that i'd just do this here, and let it go.

i guess it's my blog, so i don't have to apologize for anything i post, right?

so i was watching animal planet yesterday, because, duh, puppy bowl is super cute.  they had one of those aspca commercials that are super sad.  it turns out that sitting down and listening to just the song almost made me cry just now.

also, i thought i'd link to this comic series.  if you've ever wondered what my brain feels like most of the time, i think the author of this stuff has got it figured out pretty well, since he has the same problems it seems.

so, enjoy, and read, and have a quick trip through the horrors that i have to deal with every day.

sorry

i think my brain just goes through periods of random freakouts.  i'm feeling better today, and there's not really anything that's changed.  weird.

i also totally had a great dream last night that i woke up and thought about turning into a story, but i've forgotten too many of the details for it to be that good.  i'll see what i can salvage, and see if i like the result enough to share.  it's far more normal than any of my other stuff, but was still a fun thing to wake up from.  that's always a good change from waking up from a horrible nightmare.

ok, that was super dramatic

but i've been feeling super shitty recently, and only really propped up because my parents are here and wanting to do touristy stuff.

and i'm thinking i might spend tomorrow telling them that i'm fucked up and depressed and friendless and suicidal and an alcoholic.  they're coming over to watch the super bowl.

wish me luck?

yay, random depression!

i hope i die.

i hope we both die.