one of those days

where i kind of just want to curl up on my couch and cry for a few hours.

no real reason why.

just feel like maybe it's time for tears.

:(

i'm thinking maybe i should try dating again

i'm not getting younger, and i can feel myself getting older.

did you know that joints actually are shitty?  it's true.

not super happy about the middle age acne either, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

any advice?  i guess tinder is the thing now?  can i just post a few pics and a "hey, i'm weird and crazy, but i'd like to not die alone" or is that weird and crazy?

and how do you be like "i'd like to have an intimate partner to share my life and triumphs with, but if you'd be ok with me just hiding under a blanket for a a few hours a day, that'd really be wonderful."

so yeah.  hedgehog's dilemma and all that.





i wish we just had government mandated triads to belong to.  stupid anti-collectivists forcing us into a socially divisive capitalist nightmare.

i will one day finish this story

and the others.

i'm just awful and slow about things, and i'm busy at work, but like, actually enjoying work and the busy-ness it entails, so that's weird but good?

but i've had tabs open for like a month, so here's some stories you should read instead:

Pony Girl
Pony Girl 2
Dungeon Museum
Dungeon Museum 2

i'm way behind on this one, but here's chapter 9 of Gumdrop.  i need to catch up, because it's awesome.

that one came from Steel Rapt Stories, which is a wonderful way to discover new stories, and i'm pretty sure i know who is running it, but that's not important, how great the stories are that are curated there is.

finally, i've gotten caught up in the stories of DjEtla. these are way more extreme, which probably means i should relax more and not stress out about work, but this is me ignoring sense and pushing my brain as hard as i can.

i did finally figure out how to solve the problem i had

i couldn't figure out how to get past a story blocker.  i knew what i wanted to have happen, i just couldn't figure out how to make it happen and seem normal.  conveniently, i also really wanted to put in a reference, but felt it might be out of place.

turns out (b) solves problem (a) perfectly.

so now i just have to write it down.

--

i had a dream last night.  i was a cop (yeah, right), and we were called out to investigate this old factory in the middle of a farm.  or at least surrounded by crops.  there were all sorts of weird things at the factory, but nothing was illegal, so we had to leave.  the "weird things" were like metal train rails embedded in the floor, and a bunch of steel chairs and posts and things that could only move along the rails.  the two weirdest things were a huge cage and an area where a bunch of chairs had been arranged around a stage, which also had a cage welded onto the floor (all of this stuff was on the rails).  when we were leaving, we saw some people in the distance, but couldn't ask them questions because nothing illegal was happening.

so we left, and the cops/we decided to circle around and look through the fields.  i then got there (because dream) from a bar, and so i was kind of drunk, we start searching the fields, and find a bunch of dead bodies hidden, and start to investigate when we're attacked.  i get one of the guns out of the cop car trunk, but it doesn't work against a big scary guy who comes down the road.  i pass out, and when i wake up, i find that i'm naked and handcuffed in my cop car, but one of the guys from the factory is driving it.  i'm taken back to the factory, and put into one of the cages, which is too heavy for me to move.

there's a bit about the weird 7-11 place inside the factory, and i make fun of the guys because the dream logic is breaking down, and they don't like that, but like, one whole wall just doesn't exist now, and that's not the right way to run your illegal prison camp, i mean, seriously, are you people even good at anything?

and then i woke up.

--

today somebody else favorited my pettification story on hf, and when i looked at their profile, i saw that they charge people to write stories at like $1/100 words.  that made me look at how long my stories are, and i'm apparently dumb for giving away free porn.

oh well.

haha! i'm garbage!

first up: wow.  good job, me, not pulling out edit notes when you told me you were going to do that!  great, that one person has been like, "uh, sammy, probably a mistake?"

so, hey:

all you

want to edit?  mostly it's "that's not a word, sammy" and "who is this 'captain jerkbutt' character?" and "jfc, is this supposed to have text, or am i just supposed to accept [this comment in square brackets] junk."  this is a serious request for people who can read and note obvious errors quickly.

i can do this too, but i take drugs now, and although they make it so i can re-read things, they also make it super frustrating to wait for a calm me to arrive and reread.

so, hey, anyone interested?

second: whoops, i guess i need to add porn to chapter 3, because my outline just fucked up and put in a bunch of socialist organizing.

this isn't an editable thing, just a warning that it's going to be way left-er than you might expect.

conform or fuck off.  i seriously don't give a fuck which you do.

third: this might end up being less sexy.  when i follow the intentions and drives out, they don't end up quite as sexy as i would like.

i mean, there's lots of predictive "whoa!  this is going to get super HHHOOOTTT!!!"

but, maybe not?

is that a problem?  if i bill myself as a pornographer, but instead deliver manifestos, does that detract from my pornography?

or do i just allow that people who can't accept egalitarian porn are really just assholes?

a new chapter

An Unhappy Day.

i'm about to go on vacation this weekend, so either i put up what i have done, or it sits for another two weeks.

i don't know why chapter 2s are always so hard for me to get through.  we'll see if the third chapter can get done in a reasonable amount of time.

almost done.

i think it'll be a mixed bag when i publish it.  it's not very sexy, but it covers a lot of plot points that i've had in mind since i started the story.  the big break was me realizing on the commute home that if i don't want to write part x, i can just skip it, and move on to part y.  since this is based on someone else's work, it even has art that covers the bits i didn't want to write.

that's part of it, too.  that part of the story is known to everyone, which means if i want to tell it as well, i have to have something new to say about it.  i don't have anything new to say about it, so it's probably best if i just skip on to the next bit, which i think is funny.

and then part three, with all of the new things i want to put in that.

comp-pet-02

if you're waiting for the next comp-pet chapter:

sorry

a lot sorry.

i'm trying to get it done, but it's fighting me, and my brain is fighting me, and i have my Real Life shit to deal with as well.

i am going to try super hard to get chapter 2 out this week.  if i don't, please don't hate me.

but i plotted out the goals, and i am way less than halfway, and i know i'm going to miss at least two months from work, so i need to hurry.

sorry.

a lot sorry.

opinions?

if i put in Japanese, should i just do a translation, should i do a romanji "sayonara" style thing, or is it ok if i put in the regular hiragana (b/c i never learned my kanji): "いいえ"?

this wasn't a problem until i got drunk tonight and worried about it.

god FUCKING damnit

how is it that every thing is 9000 times more difficult than it should be?

"oh, i'm extra horny, let's buy some toys."

1. order vibe, but it's magically "backordered" the moment i order.  "maybe you'll get it by may?"
2. order dildo, it arrives, but it's too big, and is kind of painful.  that's on me, you just have to accept things might not be exactly like you hoped.  it's at least squishy, so it's not as bad as it could be.
3. vibe arrives, but whoopsie, it's not the one i ordered, it's some fucking ass vibe, which i'm pretty sure i would have ordered a better one if that's what i was looking for, but no, that was not fucking what i was looking for.

so i guess the lesson is, "just order shit from amazon, because amazon at least doesn't fuck things up so much."

fuck everything.  i hate the world.

ARUGHDF

i went to get dinner, because i was going to be late getting home from work, so i think, 'hey, fucking mcdonalds isn't terrible"

except when instead of giving you the burger you ordered, you get a tiny fucking burger with soggy lettuce and tomato on it.  who the fuck wants fucking shitty ass iceberg lettuce on a crap-ass mcdonalds burger?

"do you want someone to contact you?"  why?  i'm already home with my wrong-ass burger?  i'm going to haul my ass back to the store to have the fuckbag who couldn't put the right fucking burger into the right fucking bag?  i'm going to put my pants back on for that? fuck you.

and now i'm trying to decide if the grumbly tummy is because i'm still hungry, or because i ate the bottom half of the burger with all that shit scraped off super fast and super angry.

fuck.  i was going to eat and watch a show, but by the time the show finished with commercials, i'm already done and furious.  thanks for ruining my whole fucking day.

i'd wish that the guy would be fired, but i think he's a manager or something.  i mean, a fucking manager, and "regular menu item" and "asinine piece of shit monstrosity" were too many things to keep straight?

plus the asshole always undersalts the fries.  hello?  if i wanted my heart not to explode, i wouldn't fucking be here, would i?

wendy never fucks up my order.  wendy fucking loves me.


anyway, maybe bdsmlibrary isn't dead forever?  i might start sending in stories there if they actually post something new.

a new story?

at least a new start of a story.  i put it here this time, due to some future stuff that i don't want to host here.  i have an outline for the next two or three chapters, and we'll see how it goes from there.

grump

work was a butt

my dinner order was fucked up

and i chipped a nail, and it fucking hurts

fuck everything

ha ha

so

things are going pretty well.  my new job is better than the old one, my new boss is super cool, my coworkers are cool too, my new apartment is way bigger and way nicer than my old one, things are generally all better.

it's colder.  i don't like the cold so much.

but i'm starting to realize that i'm still super lonely, and starting to think that that's how it'll be forever.  i don't know that there's an easy way to meet people who are into messed up stuff, and i don't know that i could meet someone who isn't.

so i'm kind of in this place that i feel like i should be more depressed than i am.  i suspect the issue is that i'm taking so many drugs now, my brain can't be depressed.  i don't know.

i'm rambling, but it's late, and i need to get up early tomorrow.

i definitely don't like getting up early.

i should just design all clothes

did you know about thumbholes?

i've owned like two hoodies.  ever.  until moving, and now i have like five.

but only a few have thumbholes.  they're like gloves, but where i just tuck in the fingers when they get cold.  and i can be sure my hoodie is wrapped around like a hug on me.

so, if i could design all the clothes:

thumbholes for all long sleeves.

pockets on fucking everything.

i probably should say "and it's all cotton," but to be fair, over the past few years, i've converted to spandex and polyester.  yes, i know i'm wrapped up in plastic like a tray of hamburger, but i like that squeeze, and i like the smoothness.

"what even is this, sammy?"

this is what you get when i drink once a week instead of constantly.

i get a lot of crazy dreams that disturb me.





i have a few story thoughts.  it's weird when your brain is clear to come up with what i did in the past.

can people comment?  if you get a "comment rejected" or "comments not allowed" message, send me an email, and i'll try to sort it out.  i have a vague idea someone did that before, but i can't find it.

ugh

so i moved.

and i know basically nobody here, so it's similar to before i moved, except there i just alienated everyone i knew.

but i thought, "oh, hey, let's try the online dating stuff again, see how that works out."

i filled in all the junk, answered a bunch of questions, and selected the "i'm not an asshole, i'm ok with most people, as long as they're not jerks."

and then looked at the first batch of matches.  #3 on the list, with a 97% match rating: my boss.

i did the totally grown up thing, and deleted my account.  why can't things just be easy?  i guess it's nice to know that i'm not the absolute only one left in the office who doesn't have any kind of family, but still.

ugh.  between this and the constant fact that i have to be afraid of fascists completely destroying the government, i kind of wish i were still crazy.

sanity is over rated

i should know.  i looked over the opposition, took my pills, and looked at what that brought me.

i'm not complaining about my sanity.  it's reassuring to not freak out about minor upsets.  it's good to not see a dead animal and need to take a day off to recuperate.  it's nice to go out in public and not feel so much like an absolute freak.

i mean, i still mumble things to myself, and count on my fingers in a way that can't be reassuring to other people.

but feeling like this.

with what i think is what people know as "normal" in my hands.

it's weird and difficult and challenging.

when you know no one else sees what you see, and know that what makes you panic might  not exist, it's easy to draw away and accept that you're in a fantasy realm.

but when you crash down to the real world, and have to deal with trash, and the leaves you tracked in on your shoes, and "laundry".

shit turns out to be real.



so, a check-in on things:

1. my favorite forum turns out to be moderated by racists, so i guess it's not my favorite anymore?
2. i feel like i should write more, but i've been getting home at like 8pm.  
1. not hating your work means you have less time for porn.
2. this feels like it should be a positive?
3. nice that the country understands useless insanity now.  would have even nicer 24 months ago, but i guess i have to live with the repercussions of anti-democratic fascist jurists being placed by corrupt fascists.
4. or, you know, walls and shakespeare and such. 
1. just a suggestion.

Rachael notes

sorry i spoiled a story that's pretty old.

The Exhibition: Rachael

The Exhibition: Rachael
sammy_808@live.com
http://sammytriesagain.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-exhibition-rachael.html

hey

so.

started antidepressants again.  this time they seem to be doing a way better job than previously.  it's nice not wanting to kill myself everyday.  it's like a whole new world that's probably what other people live all the time.

so that's nice.

i also applied and was accepted for a new job.  that means i'm going to be moving to the mainland.  which is kind of super stressful and all that, but i don't like my current job, and this is a big opportunity.

i don't think i'm going to be advertising the area code i'm moving to, so don't bother with that.  it's a big change by itself, and i'd prefer not to have to worry about random people stalking me because of my porn account.

that said, i might start writing again.  the antidepressants make masturbating a struggle, but they clear my brain of a lot of the unpleasantness.  i have one story outlined, and a second vaguely sorted, and a third idea that could be clearer, but is better than i've been in a year.

no promises.  the world still sucks, there are still fascists out there that hate me, and people could be kinder but aren't.  we'll see if i feel comfortable with this.

so, hey.  here's a 2017 update before the new year.  wasn't this a shitball of a year?

fucking hope next year is better.