ok, so this is silly

i woke up early this morning for some reason, and turned on the tv.  the olympics were on like every channel, so i chose one and kind of half watched, half dozed.  i think it was archery or something, and then it ended, and then they switched to women's soccer (maybe i changed the channel, it was early and i was sleepy :-P).

i watched enough to notice that the team from Cameroon had really bright yellow socks, and then this story kind of popped into my head all at once.  again, it's silly and not super sexy (as in, there's no sex in it), but i had to get it all down.  check the labels to see if you think you'd be interested before clicking through.

Olympic Volunteer

kind of a sammy update

so i've kind of sorted out the battery of drugs that i need to take each day, and i discovered saturday that skipping them isn't that good of an idea.  by the end of the day, i was cranky and whiny and had the suicide thoughts bouncing around again.  sunday was better, as i took my pills again and sorted stuff out in my brain, and today (monday) has been just peachy.

i guess that's rule #1, don't take a day off. ever. because you'll notice and be all hidey and bitchy.

a lot of the panic stuff has subsided, and i have to go on work trips next month that i'm sure would have sent old me into panicky messes.  i have my regular drugs to keep me sane, and my special drugs to keep me from overwhelming myself.


as much as i post here, i "post" less in real life, it seems.  i can kind of feel myself becoming more distant from other people, which kind of makes this loneliness feeling aggravated.

i'm not posting this to get like, "oh, you're pretty sammy, you can make friends and be not lonely!" comments.  i'm lonely because having to deal with people in a like "real" aspect still terrifies me.  i thought about putting up a okcupid profile, but then had to calm down from a panic attack about "what if someone contacts me?"

these are dumb things to worry about, but it doesn't mean that i can just kick them out of my head.  i may have linked to this comic series before, but i'm doing it again.  my current drugs keep the suicidal thought suppressed, but a lot of the anxiety and worry and insecurities still pop through.

my best friend has a new baby that is like 100000 cutes crammed into a tiny body.  i look at her, and can do what is apparently a better job at baby-management than most people my friends know.  but, still, deep inside, i have this feeling that i will never make one of these, because i'll never find someone who gets me enough that we could get to that level.

anyway, enough rambling.  i'll try to get more porn out more regularly, but i'm not guaranteeing anything.

thanks for sticking with crazy sammy ;)